Hi Anita,

Given what I have been through, one would assume that I hold a grudge against my parents. The truth is I do not. For one simple reason. Hurt people hurt other people. My parents are no exception. I have watched my mother live her life for others. always doing what was socially acceptable and never for herself. Growing up in an era where women weren’t emancipated was not easy. coupled with the fact that they come from a background of colonialism and its influences. I can’t expect anything less from them.  They grew up with very negative images of themselves.

And so how then can they show low and validation to their children when they don’t even know how to do that for themselves? of the two I especially feel sorry for my mother because she has so many unlived dreams and aspirations. My father had a semblance of a decent life and some of his dreams were fulfilled.

I find myself thinking I am the lucky one of all of us. My late sister probably got with this guy because she wanted to feel validated and ended up getting sick. I see it with my other sisters too. One can not be single for more than 2 hours, the other second-guesses herself. she is married but constantly suffers from depression. She got the life that she always wanted but is hardly happy. And my brother’s turned into the very type of men I despise.

It’s rather sad if you ask me to be honest. Despite all the pain I am going through I feel lucky because I am strong enough to deal with and heal my emotional pain. I doubt my other siblings will ever get this chance. I am lucky enough to be able to afford a therapist and being a loner and a “weirdo” as they would call me, has allowed me to seek professional help without anyone squinting their eyes at me because I have already been dubbed as weird.

I realise that I have a long journey ahead of me and I am going to feel more pain because there are more things that I need to acknowledge for me to completely break down my foundation. This is the only way I can raise a new foundation based on positive self-affirmations, validation and mindset. A whole new set of beliefs and value systems, that feed into these too.

So I wish that someone day in this lifetime my parents can take this journey that I have taken. So that they may heal what has hurt them so that even as they leave this earth they can comfortably say, I lived well.

Me? I have a long way to go. It helps that I have people like you that actively listen to the words that come from my heart and I can find new insight from your opinions and thoughts as well. I have been feeling less upset lately. Even when I do see Christopher it doesn’t hurt so much. Beginning to see he is not that great and losing him isn’t a loss to me but him.  He literally added nothing to my life. Neither financial, moral, emotional or mental support. I can say though that he gained and learnt quite a lot from me.

Even as we go our separate ways I know that I am forever embedded in his memory and as far as I am concerned that is my payback. I will be the one that he will remember for the rest of his life. It’s ironic when you think about it.

Elizabeth.