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Feeling Untethered

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  • #388044
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The last few weeks have been very confusing and somewhat tiresome.  Coming to terms with the end of my relationship. Dealing with rejection and digging up my demons has not been as easy as I thought it would be. When I started my journey of emotional healing I had no idea just how deep the wound run. Because I learnt a long time ago to self soothe, I never really paid attention to my feeling as I felt like me coming unhinged will be a great inconvenience to the people around me.

    So I kept putting Bandages all over my heart. I tucked away and swept everything under a carpet. I never got upset or spoke up about what I wanted because I was worried that they would leave me. In my mind, I always felt like I had to find the worst guy to fall for me to feel worthy. Why?  Because if the worst guy would change for me, it must mean that I am quite special. And so I kept on weaving these elaborate fantasies about these horrible men while ignoring all the red flags that kept popping up all over the place.  What is worse is I was quite good at dishing out the best advice about how to love one’s self but never really took it myself.

    With this intentional healing process I am taking on, I am realising that I have not healed from all my past relationships, and still walking around with festering wounds.  Every relationship since the first has always been about trying to fix what went wrong in the past relationship. Thereby guaranteeing carrying baggage from one relationship to the next every single time.  It’s been ongoing for most of my adult life. Walking around all put together while hurting very deeply on the inside. Break-up after break up, I would feel less and less optimistic and confident about the person I was. It is very obvious that I was a great catch, but why were these less than deserving men breaking up with me?

    The more I delve into the mystery of my dating life and experiences I am beginning to realise that I set very low standards about my expectation whilst putting myself out on a limb in the hope that if I do, and be kind that they would somehow feel indebted into reciprocating my behaviour.  But I was wrong, I would get these broken men, build up their esteem and ego at the expense of my own. As soon as they felt they were all that they would walk off. But then when they run out of juice they would come back into my life all in the name of being sorry and trying to be civil with me.

    All this while I thought it was because they regretted it. What I didn’t realise is I created monsters who didn’t know how to sustain their energy levels and so every so often would show back up into my life to come and suck me dry of all my energy to fuel their insatiable appetite for what I had given them.  Approval and affirmation. This has kept happening over and over.

    I have decided to go back to the beginning to try and understand the source of my need to fix men. It takes me back to my first relationship.  When my parents found out I was dating, they shamed me for feeling the need to date or having an attraction to the opposite sex. According to them, I was too young and therefore such thoughts were inappropriate. I find it very unfair looking back that they judged my relationship and intention off of their weird mindsets.  In their minds my having a boyfriend meant I was sexually motivated. Which couldn’t have been further from the truth.

    Growing up, I noticed that my parents had very little regard for my opinion and even less interest in getting to learn about who exactly I was and my thoughts.  What made it worse is my parents were the type who would use your pain to manipulate you into submitting into acting in a certain way or to them. I may have been young, but I had a strong head on my shoulders.  Had my parents taken time to get to know me, they would have realised that I was capable of taking care of myself. Being a precocious child, my body developed much faster than most. and so from a young age, I started being propositioned by men old enough to be my father.  Which is disgusting if I may add.

    I found out pretty early in life how frustrating it is to try and get someone to notice your intellect when their focus is on your body.  That offended me so much so that I felt like I needed to fix these disgusting men. And there lay my problem. I would give men who found me physically appealing a chance all in the hope that I would win them over with my genuineness and kindness into seeing me as much more than a sexual object.  That they would see me as a person worth taking seriously and not some sexual object.

    This is something I have struggled with since I hit puberty. Men and boys always tried and still try their luck. Always chasing with no real motive or intention.  To make matters worse my parents affirmed these sick attitudes by constantly accusing me of sleeping with any guy I made friends with. Without realising it they had sexually objectified me. So I started to believe that every guy I met would only want one thing from me. If they didn’t I would automatically think they are not into me.

    Looking back, I find it very hard to forgive myself for allowing these types of men in my life. And therein lies my biggest problem. I am so much better than these men, when I look back I feel so upset. All my exes are empty and shallow. No drive or motivation, no substance, hollow human beings. It’s a wonder I ended up this way…

    #388057
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    On September 15, on another thread, you wrote: “I sort of learnt early in  life that people tend to use your weakness and especially your pain against you“. Today, you wrote: “my parents were the type who would use your pain to manipulate you into submitting into acting in a certain way or to them“-

    -your parents used your pain and weakness against you, to manipulate and hurt you. No wonder you did the following: “I kept putting Bandages all over my heart. I tucked away and swept everything under a carpet“- you hid what your parents used and could use against you, including your bleeding heart.

    my parents had very little regard for my opinion and even less interest in getting to learn about who exactly I was and my thoughts..  constantly accusing me of sleeping with any guy I made friends with..  they had sexually objectified me“-

    -your parents were not interested in your intellect or in your heart, other than to use what they find against you. They didnt value you as a worthy person. They thought of you as a sexual object..  for men out there.

    You wrote regarding men: “I found out pretty early in life how frustrating it is to try and get someone to notice your intellect when their focus is on your body. That offended me so much“-it offended you so much that your own parents did not notice or care to get to know your intellect, your heart, that they tried to hurt you, and that they viewed you as an object: a something.. not a Someone.

    I would give men who found me physically appealing a chance all in the hope that I would win them over with my genuineness and kindness into seeing me as much more than a sexual object.  That they would see me as a person worth taking seriously and not some sexual object“- you are trying to resolve your troubled relationship with your parents by proxy, men being substitutes to your parents: trying to win your parents over with kindness, trying to make your parents see you as a person worth taking seriously!

    I always felt like I had to find the worst guy to fall for me to feel worthy… I find it very hard to forgive myself for allowing these types of men in my life. And therein lies my biggest problem. I am so much better than these men“- it is not your fault that you had .. the worst parents: ones who did not value their own daughter as more than a sexual object (to men out there). It is not your fault that you tried to fix this reality by choosing men who are like your parents, and then..  trying to change them into loving parents who would value you as a person with intellect and a heart, value you enough to not use your heart and weakness against you! You are indeed much better than your parents.

    anita

     

    #388087
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    Given what I have been through, one would assume that I hold a grudge against my parents. The truth is I do not. For one simple reason. Hurt people hurt other people. My parents are no exception. I have watched my mother live her life for others. always doing what was socially acceptable and never for herself. Growing up in an era where women weren’t emancipated was not easy. coupled with the fact that they come from a background of colonialism and its influences. I can’t expect anything less from them.  They grew up with very negative images of themselves.

    And so how then can they show low and validation to their children when they don’t even know how to do that for themselves? of the two I especially feel sorry for my mother because she has so many unlived dreams and aspirations. My father had a semblance of a decent life and some of his dreams were fulfilled.

    I find myself thinking I am the lucky one of all of us. My late sister probably got with this guy because she wanted to feel validated and ended up getting sick. I see it with my other sisters too. One can not be single for more than 2 hours, the other second-guesses herself. she is married but constantly suffers from depression. She got the life that she always wanted but is hardly happy. And my brother’s turned into the very type of men I despise.

    It’s rather sad if you ask me to be honest. Despite all the pain I am going through I feel lucky because I am strong enough to deal with and heal my emotional pain. I doubt my other siblings will ever get this chance. I am lucky enough to be able to afford a therapist and being a loner and a “weirdo” as they would call me, has allowed me to seek professional help without anyone squinting their eyes at me because I have already been dubbed as weird.

    I realise that I have a long journey ahead of me and I am going to feel more pain because there are more things that I need to acknowledge for me to completely break down my foundation. This is the only way I can raise a new foundation based on positive self-affirmations, validation and mindset. A whole new set of beliefs and value systems, that feed into these too.

    So I wish that someone day in this lifetime my parents can take this journey that I have taken. So that they may heal what has hurt them so that even as they leave this earth they can comfortably say, I lived well.

    Me? I have a long way to go. It helps that I have people like you that actively listen to the words that come from my heart and I can find new insight from your opinions and thoughts as well. I have been feeling less upset lately. Even when I do see Christopher it doesn’t hurt so much. Beginning to see he is not that great and losing him isn’t a loss to me but him.  He literally added nothing to my life. Neither financial, moral, emotional or mental support. I can say though that he gained and learnt quite a lot from me.

    Even as we go our separate ways I know that I am forever embedded in his memory and as far as I am concerned that is my payback. I will be the one that he will remember for the rest of his life. It’s ironic when you think about it.

    Elizabeth.

    #388088
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    And so how then can they “show low and validation” to their children when they don’t even know how to do that for themselves? of the two I especially feel sorry for my mother because she has so many unlived dreams and aspirations. My father had a semblance of a decent life and some of his dreams were fulfilled.

    “Show Love and Validation”

    Correction.

     

    #388098
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    We have things in common: my mother was born into and grew up in colonialism, admiring all that is European and thinking very little of herself- for having the darkest skin of all her siblings, as well as facial/ body features that were not European. Of course, women’s emancipation wasn’t anything she grew up with, and the way for a woman to advance herself materially was.. through a well-to-do man, attracting such a man through the promise of sex.

    Like your mother, my mother too has had  “so many unlived dreams and aspirations”, one of which- I thought- was that I was the one to make her dreams and aspirations come true. I tried, failed.. and she helped me fail.

    I realise that I have a long journey ahead of me and I am going to feel more pain because there are more things that I need to acknowledge“- the pain I am in touch with this morning, it feels like a dull pain at this point, is that I loved my mother so very much but she did not love me back. … Do you feel that your mother loved/ loves you? (You are welcome to not answer this question.. and/ or any question that I ask).

    And so how then can they ‘show low and validation’ to their children when they don’t even know how to do that for themselves?“- my mother never valued me as a person, but as a Thing, and I understand it being that she had a terrible childhood and a terrible life.. but thing is, my uncle, that is, her brother, although he had a terrible life too and suffered severe epilepsy.. I have this clear memory (in the midst of what appears to be childhood amnesia) of him asking me questions about.. what I thought about this or that. He asked me questions as if what I thought mattered.. I was shocked.. he wanted to know what I thought.. it is still difficult for me to get over how different that was for me. He asked me questions with those empathetic and curious eyes, and a kind voice. My mother was sitting there to his left, looking at me with angry, threatening eyes, so I was afraid of answering him, afraid of expressing my true thoughts.. but I remember him asking.

    anita

     

    #388130
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi,

    it’s so comforting knowing that we have so many things in common. Maybe that’s why we vibe on a whole different level.

    Maybe her lack of love could be a result of the fact that she didn’t love your father but simply saw him as a meal ticket.

    I have felt unloved most of my life, to be honest. And a part of me feels like that’s why I have been so desperately trying to find it.

    I feel restless, like am just floating in the air. I know where I need to go. But I know how to get there at the moment.

    Today is one of those days when I feel very sorry for myself.

    I am heartbroken. some days are better than others. I know that feeling you have, never completely goes away. But I hope it gets to a point where it’s no longer disruptive to your life.

    Elizabeth.

    #388134
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    Maybe her lack of love could be a result of the fact that she didn’t love your father but simply saw him as a meal ticket”– although she admired women who did use men as a meal ticket, or more precisely as a way to live in luxury (she expressed such when watching tv series such as Dallas and Dynasty), she herself felt too inferior to follow this path, her self-esteem was too low.  My father was a waiter, so he served meals, but was not a .. meal ticket. She divorced him when I was 5 or 6 and proceeded to work very hard cleaning people’s homes and offices, her hands raw from using hard detergents scrubbing sinks and toilets and such. It was very, very sad for me to watch over the years, broke my heart to hear her complain about her body hurting and the shame she felt doing what she believed to be shameful work.

    I have felt unloved most of my life, to be honest. And a part of me feels like that’s why I have been so desperately trying to find it. I feel restless, like am just floating in the air“- I think that love grounds us, so that we no longer float in the air. We need to feel solid ground under our feet, and love is solid ground, when it is a stable love, love we can count on.

    I am heartbroken. some days are better than others. I know that feeling you have, never completely goes away. But I hope it gets to a point where it’s no longer disruptive to your life“- I would like to read more about “that feeling you have” and the thoughts that accompany that feeling…?

    anita

    #388162
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    I met Christopher yesterday. I feel like lately everything that’s been happening has been pushing me in his direction. I don’t want to assume anything, but I feel like nature is trying to offer me an opportunity to really get him out of my system.

    When I saw him, I didn’t feel uncomfortable or hurt like I usually do. I felt nostalgic and sad all at the same time. So I walked off without looking at him or even saying hey. I can feel his vibe though. Discomfort.  It’s kinda sad acknowledging the end of this relationship that I had invested in so much of my emotion. when I look back I see just how unhealthy it was.

    I am just happy now that I don’t wish him to drop dead.  It’s something I did think of at some point.  I was in so much pain that I had all sorts of absurd thoughts. April this year I thought I would be able to reach this stage. Were I would see him and be ok. I am somehow grateful that whatever happened did. It pushed me into learning more about myself and where I want to head from this point.

    Regards,

    Elizabeth

    #388163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    “When I saw him, I didn’t feel uncomfortable or hurt like I usually do. I felt nostalgic and sad all at the same time… It’s kinda sad acknowledging the end of this relationship that I had invested in so much of my emotion… I am just happy now that I don’t wish him to drop dead… I was in so much pain”-

    – grieving the death of a love relationship with a man (no return on all that emotional investment!)  is similar to grieving the death of the man himself: first there is great pain, then there is great anger.. pain=>anger=> numbness perhaps.. then back to pain and anger.. and eventually the pain lessens, the anger lessens and all that remains is sadness.

    * Except that when the love relationship dies but the man lives.. if and when we see him in a new relationship (particularly if you are not in one)- pain and anger are likely to return.

    “April this year I thought I would be able to reach this stage. Were I would see him and be ok. I am somehow grateful that whatever happened did. It pushed me into learning more about myself and where I want to head from this point”-

    -Congratulations for reaching this stage! It’s not smooth sailing from here on I imagine, there is still some pain, some anger that can come up sometimes, and when that happens don’t be alarmed, it’s the way of nature… and not alarmed- let the pain and anger rest in sadness.

    anita

    #388164
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi,

    This is something I learnt with my first Ex. The anger stopped as I learnt to be indifferent. he too hurt me a lot. I am working on that too here. I promise you, I will be indifferent soon enough. he doesn’t deserve my nostalgia.

    I wasted 2 years of my life. i definitely won’t waste anymore

    Regards

    Elizabeth

    #388165
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I refuse to make him a permanent fixture of my mind or life. I will forget him. I promise.

    #388167
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    “He doesn’t deserve my nostalgia”- make sure that you know that your past love for him, your past emotional investment in him, and your occasional longing for that past love (nostalgia) are not indications of your weakness, or wrongness. These are indications of your loving nature.

    Protect your loving nature from him and from anyone who will misuse and abuse it, but see it as your strength, not your weakness. Be proud of it!

    anita

    #388203
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    Thank you for telling me this because that’s how I have been feeling

    Elizabeth

    #388204
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    You are welcome. Talking about love..  How is your son?

    anita

    #388205
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    My son is doing well. he seems to be getting more stable with time. feel guilty for having split my time between him and my ex. I feel like he might have felt neglected. he never says it though.

    Not having the best day at work. Working with a dragon boss is horrible. he is just so mean and I feel so sad today

    Elizabeth.

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