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  • #388206
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    Good to read that your son is doing well, getting more stable with time. Talking about love and investment: a mother’s most worthy and noble investment of love is her children. I am sorry to read that you feel so sad today.. the dragon boss is the cause of your sadness today? What makes her horrible?

    anita

    #388207
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi,

    It’s actually him. He has a volatile personality. He gets these moods when he picks on everything I do.  When am working I like listening to music or video. It helps me focus when am feeling off-balance which is how I feel today. I have a mild case of autism as well as horrible PMS. So, sometimes I get triggered by certain things around me. To calm down I listen to music or switch on a video. I won’t necessarily be watching but it gives me an opportunity to shut the world out.

    A narrow-minded man like him wouldn’t understand if I told him I have autism and sometimes I struggle to focus with so much noise around me. I am also learning slowly that he is very selfish and he hardly ever speaks for me as my boss. he is so indifferent to my work problems. I feel so frustrated.

    I wanted to take Monday off as mother’s day because this month I have horrible PMS. It’s only a Day! and he just dismisses it like its nothing. This is a married man who has seen first-hand how horrible PMS can be. but he is so indifferent that I feel like am drowning in shark-infested waters. I feel heartbroken, to be honest.

    Elizabeth

    #388208
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    What a big difference it would have made for you, if you had a nice, considerate, kind boss! What a shame that you don’t have this. It’s difficult to live in “shark-infested waters”.. when you are not a shark, isn’t it.

    anita

    #388209
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    I am fluffy and sweet and full of spice and all things flowery. Like a marshmallow.

    Elizabeth

    #388213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    Reminds me of someone I knew: sweet.. like a marshmallow.. until her anger got the best of her, popping that marshmallow out of her with a  ball of fire! How do you express your anger?

    anita

    #388359
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    It feels like it’s alive and literally burrowing a hole in my soul. It is draining and just takes over my whole mind. It’s funny that for the longest time I have imagined horrible things happening to Christopher. I have wanted to hurt him back even worse. I don’t know if I will ever really respect him as a human being ever again because he is disappointing on so many levels. He talks big but he is none of the things he talks about.

    He is so obsessed with how the world sees him because somehow he thinks that if they acknowledge him off of what they see then he will be happy. He was raised by a single mother and she had a tough time.  This is why I am even more disappointed in him as a human being. I honestly thought he would be more understanding of me seeing that I am a single mother too. Human beings are so disappointing. The more I think about everything I have been through the more I realise that a puritan such as myself is not made for a world full of hypocrites and pretenders. liars and chauvinists. I find it all so appalling, to be honest with you.

    I remember having a conversation with him right before I gave up on him. He says to me that he didn’t think our break-up would be as bad as it is at the moment. I remember asking him if he thought it through carefully before he broke up with a woman who had just had a miscarriage. If he had thought of the words that would come out of his mouth. If he had stopped to think that even though he didn’t love me as he so clearly professed to on that day if he had stopped to ask him, self how he would feel if someone said that to him during his darkest time.

    His response was so amusing. He says he is sorry. He didn’t think things would get this bad. he says to me sorry several times. he says he is sorry for the horrible things he did to me. But even his apology feels hollow. I ask him if his intention was to completely break me and burn the bridge when he came to talk to me that day. he doesn’t answer me at all. I remember saying to him that if that was his intention then he succeeded.

    He keeps saying sorry, which is useless to me. Because he is one person I shared my heart with and he knows full well that I hate the word sorry. sorry is just an empty word said by people who feel bad about what kind of beings they are. It’s 98% not for the person they have hurt with their actions or their words. I find the word sorry very hypocritical and annoying.

    I think am rumbling again. lol

    Elizabeth

    #388365
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    In your recent post yesterday, Nov 7, 2021, you wrote about your anger at Christopher: “It feels like it’s alive and literally burrowing a hole in my soul. It is draining and just takes over my whole mind. It’s funny that for the longest time I have imagined horrible things happening to Christopher. I have wanted to hurt him back even worse“- having read what you shared about Christopher, it reads to me that your anger is not much about him as an individual, but about someone in your early life that Christopher represents.

    he is disappointing on so many levels… I am even more disappointed in him as a human being.. Human beings are so disappointing“- I think that Christopher represents a human being in your early life who terribly disappointed you, and all your anger at that person has transferred to Christopher.

    He says he is sorry… he says to me sorry several times. he says he is sorry for the horrible things he did to me“- but what horrible things did he do to you.. you never really shared those horrible things. You generally suggested that he took advantage of you by having you drive him to work before your car broke down, using you otherwise (not specified) to advance his position at work. And you shared that he was relieved when you miscarried after a pregnancy that he did not plan or want, which is quite understandable, to be relieved.. not evil.

    I ask him if his intention was to completely break me“-  but.. again, what is it that he did  to break you, and to.. completely break you?

    Back in Oct 19, in your thread Reclaiming myself, you wrote: “It’s been over 6 months now since me and Christopher and I broke up… Mostly I have been angry.. feeling angry and highly resentful, to feeling rejected and unwanted. Through all this, I kept asking myself why do these things keep happening to me?  I kept feeling like there is something that I do that keeps attracting this type of person in my life“-

    – I think that Christopher is not as bad a person as you imagine or present him to be, maybe he is not bad at all. I think that for you, he represents this type of person in your early life, meaning, a parent/ adult care-taker who was supposed to take good care of you, but terribly rejected you,  and terribly disappointed you. I think that you are still terribly angry at that person, and projecting that anger to Christopher.

    anita

    #388382
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    I think that Christopher is not as bad a person as you imagine or present him to be, maybe he is not bad at all. I think that for you, he represents this type of person in your early life, meaning, a parent/ adult caretaker who was supposed to take good care of you, but rejected you,  and disappointed you. I think that you are still terribly angry at that person, and projecting that anger to Christopher. 

    It’s quite understandable that it may come out biased that I talk about Christopher in this angry tone. He was very special to me. He was my friend even before he became my lover. I met him at a time when I had lost that one person who meant a lot to me.

    When I got pregnant I remember I told Christopher about it. he was scared as most men usually are. I was equally scared. but there is one thing I had made clear from the onset that I don’t believe in abortion. so he knew that this was a possibility especially that we never used protection. He stepped up early on. they always do. About 2 weeks after I told him about the pregnancy, he asks me in the morning on our way to work if my parents asked who I would say was responsible for my pregnancy.. you can’t possibly imagine how much that broke my heart. I remember thinking to myself, what kind of a stupid question is this…

    I was very much aware that he didn’t plan the pregnancy, neither did i. The pregnancy was riddled with complications. I kept spotting. one time I called him while at work because I had started bleeding. I needed to get to the hospital real quick. He says to me he would call me back and let me know if he manages to get me transport because I didn’t have my car yet. he simply never calls. I found my way to get to the hospital and get treated. Get back to work and he never calls. All the while I felt so guilty that he was going to be tied down to me when it was clear for me to see how that thought made him so unhappy. I could see it on his face, I could hear it each time I called.

    This is not the only time I had noticed his attitude. back then when I had something to give he was nice and sweet. When it came to a point where he had to help me he didn’t like it. anything that involved him doing anything for me made him unhappy. I never asked him for anything. In my mind, I thought we were friends.

    And you shared that he was relieved when you miscarried after a pregnancy that he did not plan or want, which is quite understandable, to be relieved.. not evil. This I understand. As sad as I was, now I equally realise that my life and that poor child life would have been immensely painful. I have been through pregnancy alone. Baby Daddy was married, but his culture allows polygamy so that was not unusual. But him trying to use my pregnancy to try and manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to do or control me made me leave him. That pregnancy was not easy. it was a very hard time for me. One thing I know for sure after my first experience is I never want to have a child with someone who doesn’t want to have a child with me. They get so horrible and once is enough for me.

    On the day I had a miscarriage, he did drive me to the hospital. He left me there. I called him after I got confirmation. I was in a lot of pain. I felt guilty for that poor soul that never asked to be born and how its life was cut short. I could hear him smile on the phone. During my pregnancy after our conversation, I had resolved that I would do it myself. I couldn’t stand another episode such as the one I had with my first pregnancy. I can never force a child on anyone. So I blocked him from my phone. and just stopped calling him.

    That’s what he wanted after all right?

    I am not saying I was without blame in the whole situation. I tried to absorb his responsibility for what happened because I felt so guilty for getting pregnant. It ate at me and took over my whole being. Because he didn’t want anyone knowing about my pregnancy, I stupidly told him then we could take a break from each other so that we can throw suspicion from him. he gladly jumped at this. It was so sad watching all this. I felt extremely lonely. In the days that followed after the miscarriage, I was in a lot of pain. I incurred all the expenses and not once did he ever offer to help me out.

    He was out on the town hanging with his friends, driving his boss’ car who I later found out he was sleeping with for work favours. Through the doctor’s visits and my hospital stays, he never once came to see me. Each time he saw me its because I begged this guy to come over.

    The way he spoke to me, he had neither empathy nor consideration for me. We met two weeks after my miscarriage, my friends had taken me out because I had been mopping about. Bumped into him at a club, then he tries to act like everything is cool and breezy between us. That offended me so much on so many levels.

    Two weeks prior he said to me while I was breaking apart that I was directing my love at the wrong person. wow! Broke up with me in the most painful way. As he walks out of my house he says to me don’t think too much and try and get some sleep. I remember asking him if the concern he had just shown at that moment was necessary then. He says to me and I quote, “yeah yeah, I know am evil” very dismissively. To this, I never said a thing. He got in his car and I closed the gate and walked off.

    Sometimes it’s possible for people to project. But I doubt I am projecting. Despite how angry I have been, I have made a lot of attempts to reach out to him. I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate.

    My parents? as much as they are flawed I know it wasn’t their wish to be that way. They didn’t have a good start. I truly have let it go. Whatever anger I felt towards Christopher was, because of us and no one else. I have admitted to him that the biggest mistake I ever made in our relationship was to place him on a pedestal. That was my doing and I was very honest with him too. One thing he knows for sure despite everything that happened is that I never lie to him.

    it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything.

    Anyway………

    Elizabeth.

     

    #388383
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    “It’s quite understandable that it may come out biased that I talk about Christopher in this angry tone. He was very special to me. He was my friend even before he became my lover. I met him at a time when I had lost that one person who meant a lot to me… Whatever anger I felt towards Christopher was, because of us and no one else. I have admitted to him that the biggest mistake I ever made in our relationship was to place him on a pedestal“-

    -I see: when you met him you desperately needed a good friend, someone you can trust, someone who’d truly care for you, so you made believe that Christopher is that person. You assumed that he was what you needed, placing him on a pedestal. Your anger is about the gap between that pedestal (who you needed him to be) and ground level (who he is).

    Given the specific information in your recent post, I see that he was responsible no less than you for your pregnancy because, like you said, he did not use protection. When you called him about bleeding, and he did not arrange for you to be transported to the hospital ASAP.. and he did not call you to tell you that he will not arrange for your transportation.. and continued to not call you the whole day to inquire about you- that’s extremely irresponsible and cruel. So is the fact that he never visited you at the hospital at any of your stays there.

    Both your pregnancy, and your plan to keep the baby were  his responsibility, no less than yours, because you told him ahead of time that you don’t believe in abortions. That he didn’t want your parents and society to know that he would be the father of the baby is his irresponsibility to the baby, to you and to society as a whole. Not offering to pay for the expenses of the miscarriage is.. one more evidence of his extreme irresponsibility and uncaring nature. To top his misbehavior with a cherry on top, he was sleeping with his boss for work favors

    “I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate… it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything”-

    -reads to me that you did NOT lose your friend- you lost the friend he never was; you lost the man on a pedestal. You lost your hopes and dreams and love for.. a man who did not exist. Imagine this silly image: you meet a turtle which is a cold-blooded reptile, and you make believe and assume that it is a cute, warm puppy. You hug the “puppy”, feeling warm and happy. Fast forward, over time, you are noticing that the “puppy” is not behaving like a friendly, affectionate puppy, and you don’t feel warm when you hug the puppy, so you get hurt and angry at the “puppy”, while not quite seeing that it is not a puppy but a turtle. So, you keep feeling devastatingly surprised, hurt and angry by the behavior of the turtle simply because you keep thinking of it as a puppy.

    See what I am saying? I think that you are still attached to the image of Christopher up on that pedestal and you keep getting angry that the real Christopher is not the one on that pedestal. See him for whom he is, and you will no longer keep getting surprised that he.. is who he is.

    anita

     

    #388384
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    reads to me that you did NOT lose your friend- you lost the friend he never was; you lost the man on a pedestal. You lost your hopes and dreams and love for.. a man who did not exist. Imagine this silly image: you meet a turtle which is a cold-blooded reptile, and you make-believe and assume that it is a cute, warm puppy. You hug the “puppy”, feeling warm and happy. Fast forward, over time, you are noticing that the “puppy” is not behaving like a friendly, affectionate puppy, and you don’t feel warm when you hug the puppy, so you get hurt and angry at the “puppy”, while not quite seeing that it is not a puppy but a turtle. So, you keep feeling devastatingly surprised, hurt and angry by the behaviour of the turtle simply because you keep thinking of it as a puppy. 

    The problem is he pretended to be a puppy at a time when I needed a puppy the most.  the problem with pretence is it doesn’t last. the stupidest thing I did was believe that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I was painful to open with him. I poured my heart into this person and by doing so I literally gave him the keys to hurt me. he played along because he thought he would benefit from me in a way. the minute he realised I would need his help he got mean.

    I am not a spiteful person and I didn’t imagine his mean behaviour. Yes I fantasized about bad things happening to him. but that’s because I wanted him to feel the pain and despair I felt.

    “I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate… it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything”-

    In one of our many conversations after the break-up, I told him openly about how ashamed I was when I realised I was the only one in the friendship. That I was the only one that thought we were friends. the embarrassment and anger I felt was overwhelming.

    Him saying sorry to me, not for me. it’s about him feeling better about himself.

    I think that you are still attached to the image of Christopher up on that pedestal and you keep getting angry that the real Christopher is not the one on that pedestal. See him for whom he is, and you will no longer keep getting surprised that he.. is who he is.

    Not anymore. That’s why I no longer feel this gut-wrenching anger when I see him. I feel both sorry and sad. at our age, burning bridges… really sad. The truth is am a great friend. I am not saying this because I am talking about myself. I am the type of friend that loves my friends deeply.

    I am working towards indifference.

    I will get there.

    Elizabeth.

     

    #388386
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    He deserves your anger. All I am saying is that it’s time for you to not be surprised that a turtle is a turtle. The element of surprise refreshes and renews your hurt and anger.

    In one of our many conversations after the break-up, I told him openly about how ashamed I was when I realised I was the only one in the friendship“- this is you thinking he is a puppy at that time, after the breakup: still sharing your feelings with him, imagining that he cares or would care. If you saw him truly as he is after the breakup, you wouldn’t have shared with him how you truly felt.

    I no longer feel this gut-wrenching anger when I see him. I feel both sorry and sad. at our age, burning bridges… really sad. The truth is am a great friend“- he does not deserve the great friend that you are. He does not deserve you sharing your true feelings with him.

    When you feel anger at him, allow yourself to feel your anger- it is not a bad feeling and you are not a bad person for feeling it.

    I am working towards indifference“- maybe it will help if you.. literally imagine him to be a turtle, every time you see him.

    anita

    #388401
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita,

    this is you thinking he is a puppy at that time, after the breakup: still sharing your feelings with him, imagining that he cares or would care. If you saw him truly as he is after the breakup, you wouldn’t have shared with him how you truly felt.

    This was me grasping at straws. I was so broken I literally grabbed onto anything. Despite it all, letting it out made it less painful and it got me to see that he really doesn’t care. I started understanding that I was really wasting my time and so I started letting go of the hope that he will ever care.

    I am no longer sharing my feelings with him. I have been sharing them online. he doesn’t care enough to understand or care enough to try and make amends. it’s almost a year and I survived.

    I have shifted my focus. Once in a while, I will remember him but just like my first ex, I will become indifferent and forget he ever existed. I will patiently wait for the day when he doesn’t affect me in any way.

    Last night I made myself a goal. I will no longer speak of him on this forum or to anyone again.

    I have said enough. I have vented enough. I will be fine, I have already gone past the hard part.

    Regards

    Elizabeth.

    #388402
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elizabeth:

    I read that you made it a goal for yourself to no longer speak of him on this forum or to anyone again and I respect that. I want to share something with you that is relevant, something that I’ve been thinking about in other contexts. It’s about the connection between parental love and romantic love. To simplify it, I’d say: the connection between a mother’s love (or lack of) for her child- daughter, and the daughter’s experience of romantic love as an adult. When the mother does not really love her daughter, the daughter is intensely thirsty for love and will do anything for her mother to love her, grasping at straws, will literally grab onto anything. Fast forward, she meets a man who appeals to her, feels love for him,  believes he loves her back and the experience is…  MAGIC, that Falling-in-Love magic.. it’s like everything she ever wanted coming true, a long-ago ancient thirst finally being satiated.

    When she finds out Reality is not congruent with the magic, her heart breaks, she may walk away from him forever or she will linger,  grasping at straws, literally grabbing onto anything to make believe that he does love her after all, that he will soon notice that he loves her and regret his actions and come back to her (“This was me grasping at straws. I was so broken I literally grabbed onto anything“). I think that the greater the lack of love a child experiences, the greater the Magic/falling-in-love that she experiences with a man, and the greater the Fall from that Magic.

    Another result of lack of parental love: the daughter withdraws emotionally to such an extent that as an adult, she avoids romantic relationships altogether.. or ends them quickly, running from one to the next, or spending lots of time alone in between short-term, turbulent relationships.

    I hope to read from you again, if not about this man then about any other topic, in a new thread perhaps.. anytime you wish.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by .
    #388432
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth,

    I feel the need to add something to your conversation with anita, and further expand on something that anita has touched upon already. It’s about the way you see Christopher, specially you believing that he betrayed you so awfully. He has indeed treated you badly, specially while you were struggling with problematic pregnancy and later miscarriage. I am sorry about that.

    But what you expressed in your other thread “Heart broken”, is that you already felt his withdrawing from you and being selfish much before you got pregnant. But nevertheless you decided to try to get pregnant with him:

    The moment he realized I had less and less to offer him he pulled back, because things were not going so well for me at the moment. It felt like every problem on earth was targeting me. I felt lost and confused and needed him more than before. This is not what he bargained for and so he did everything to avoid me. I did notice this and it was terribly heart breaking. I chose to ignore. I thought if I was patient with him he would come around. Didn’t realize I was dealing with a narcissistic person.

    I decided I needed to get myself off of him. At the same time, I got a not so clever idea in my head that if I got pregnant and had a baby instead I would feel a whole lot better and it would give me a new purpose since at the time I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I could hardly go through the day without crying at this point. I was utterly miserable.

    I completely understand you and am not judging you at all for making that decision. You had mixed feelings – a part of you recognized he’s not so loving as you first thought, but a part of you still hoped that you may be able to change him, to win him over. And so you chose to ignore his selfishness, and not only that, but you also convinced yourself that having a baby with him would help. Maybe it wasn’t completely conscious in you, but probably a part of you believed that if you had a baby together, this might win him over. Even though a rational part of you knew he wasn’t interested in having a child with you:

    So early this year January I finally fell pregnant. I was very excited and I felt like all my plans where coming to fruition.  I had made up my mind I was going to do this all by myself. That was my plan to begin with anyway. So after much deliberation I finally got around to telling Christopher that I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t expect him to be ecstatic.

    His reaction didn’t surprise me at all and I thought I was ready for it.

    You knew what his reaction would be. As a side note, how come he agreed to have unprotected sex all that time? Have you talked about what would happen if you get pregnant?

    So, his reaction was expected, and you too expected it. But still, when he asked you 2 weeks later who you would say is responsible for your pregnancy, if people asked you – you were shattered (It threw me completely off guard I was shell shocked to be honest.  This is someone I believed was my friend. How could he ask me something like that?)

    You were very surprised and hurt and offended by his remark, as if you didn’t know that he didn’t want to have a baby with you. It was like a disconnect between your heart and your mind, because although your mind knew it, your heart desperately wanted him to accept and love both you and the baby. The pain and anger took you over, although in part, you brought yourself into this situation, by ignoring the warning signs (I did notice this and it was terribly heart breaking. I chose to ignore.)

    I am writing this so you could see the two sides in you – one that believes she is strong and independent, and can take care of herself (she thought you would be able to raise your child alone), and the other side, who is fragile and needy and desperate for a man’s love, even if that man is unworthy of it. That other side is your inner child, that you’d need to heal, if you truly want to move on.

    We can talk more about healing your inner child, if you’d like and are open to it.

     

    #388433
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    TeaK,

    I decided to start writing down my thoughts so that I can get a clear indication of what exactly is happening to me. I have been in this rut for the longest time. and the latest break has made me realise I need to fix what’s broken if I am to fulfil my life’s purpose.

    I agree I have made a series of very very bad choices over the past decade. these are choices that have not been well thought out. but I think I have been running away from dealing with deeper issues that I am now trying to sort out.  I can honestly say I have jumped from one relationship to another to mask the pain of the previous one. I feel like my biggest problem goes back to my first relationship.

    I have been reading over all the posts I made over the past month or so. and I have seen a trend. as sad as it sounds, I think I have been trying to fix my first relationship because all four men I have dated in my life have been a replica of him. my first ghost.

    I think I have been looking for affection from these relationships because I don’t know how to give myself kindness. reading this out loud has made me very sad.

    i am in much bigger trouble than I thought….

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