Dear Carson:

Reads like you perceived your parents to mean Danger for you: a danger you wanted to either run away from, which is the Flight Reaction to perceived danger (“I became so angry and afraid I thought about either running away“),  or fight your parents, which is the Fight Reaction to perceived danger (“I thought about.. hurting my parents”).

You wrote in your original post: “Thought about my relationship with my dad and how his bizarre behavior made sense. I think he is in denial of his sexuality. But I have focused too long on changing him“- reads like your relationship with your father was and is very difficult, very conflicted..  You wanted to much to change him.. Is it that you tried to make him notice you and love you?

The desire to change an unloving parent to a loving parent is intense. It is amazing how intense a child’s desire (a child of any age) to change a distant/ rejecting parent to a close/ loving parent.

anita