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  • #388271
    Carson
    Participant

    This year I have discovered a lot about myself. I came out to my parents and it started a train of events that landed me in a couple of mental hospitals. I am ashamed of why I went and some things that went down…

    My whole life I have been in denial. I have tried to hide my sexuality from myself. Grew up in a very conservative state and heard remarks at the dinner table that were not the most comforting. I remember the first time I had feelings for a boy. At tennis drills in middle school. I repressed them and soon shut down. I started being more inhibited and avoidant. This would lead to anxiety, poor self esteem, and shame. I remember having thoughts about hurting my friend when I started to think about another boy that I was attracted to. It was scary.

    This past year things resurfaced and I came to accept that I am gay. I came out to my parents and went back into the closet. A couple months later I cried on the phone and told my mom I am gay. I had so many memories from the past that were good, which had been resurfaced after I did. When I talked with my dad that same night, I became very angry. And scared. I came out to my brothers the same night and told my parents I needed space for a while.

    In the summer I did a lot of reflecting. Thought about my relationship with my dad and how his bizarre behavior made sense. I think he is in denial of his sexuality. But I have focused too long on changing him when I need to just focus on me. In the summer I had thoughts about moving away. Had thoughts about hurting my family. I was manipulative and although I did a lot of reflecting, I never put into place advice my therapist, friends, or family had told me. This internal battle got too much the week before school. I had thoughts about hurting others and didn’t think I could handle school. So I checked into a psychiatric hospital. I remember being outside and so angry waiting. I was angry at everyone. I once again was manipulative to my family. In the hospital I was so angry, and just didn’t know what to do. I thought I was going to die. I checked out feeling more grounded than ever. Helped me out a lot. Once again I had thoughts about hurting my family and although I put things into practice that I was given, I ignored my psychiatrists advice to get some space from my parents. Tried to make it work, but I am growing up and need to do my own thing.

    Went to another facility. This time I was in a worse state than before. I was manipulative again. And tried my best to get out of my distress. Thought I was losing my mind in there, but luckily it was just a stressful situation. After that I went to another facility. For a couple of months. This one was really good, although I still had the feelings that led me to going.

    I am now in a recovery program and really just want to get back to living. I have many people that support me, but I need to work on loving myself before I can get into relationships. I think that talking more openly about my problems with people will help. Regardless it is time to focus on me and my future. Facing my feelings.

    I would love advice or comments if anyone has an opinion or thought that comes to mind.

    #388316
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carson:

    I think that talking more openly about my problems with people will help“- you started doing this here, in this forum, today. You are welcome here. Keep talking, keep telling Your Story: I want to read more of your story.

    When you say that you wanted to hurt your family (“Once again I had thoughts about hurting my family“)- what do you mean by it?

    anita

    #388370
    Carson
    Participant

    I became so angry and afraid I thought about either running away or hurting my parents. I told them about these thoughts and although I was honest about that, it didn’t seem to help much. My anger was still present.

    #388378
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Carson:

    Reads like you perceived your parents to mean Danger for you: a danger you wanted to either run away from, which is the Flight Reaction to perceived danger (“I became so angry and afraid I thought about either running away“),  or fight your parents, which is the Fight Reaction to perceived danger (“I thought about.. hurting my parents”).

    You wrote in your original post: “Thought about my relationship with my dad and how his bizarre behavior made sense. I think he is in denial of his sexuality. But I have focused too long on changing him“- reads like your relationship with your father was and is very difficult, very conflicted..  You wanted to much to change him.. Is it that you tried to make him notice you and love you?

    The desire to change an unloving parent to a loving parent is intense. It is amazing how intense a child’s desire (a child of any age) to change a distant/ rejecting parent to a close/ loving parent.

    anita

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