Dear Cali Chica:

Continuing the topic of “Loving but toxic parents“, focusing on your mother as the parent much more powerful of the two, in your mind heart and life, let’s look at her LOVE for you: in Jan 4, 2018- what seems to me like the good old days, more than two years before the pandemic, you wrote: “I have been having a great deal of insomnia over the last few days… feeling overwhelmed with crippling anxiety and here I am at 1 AM unable to sleep feeling as tense as possible“- this is the experience of the unloved, anxious child, fast forwarded to adulthood. That was me, as a child and teenager, insomniac, overwhelmed with crippling anxiety, tense, unable to sleep.

“As a sidenote.. my mother projected all of her issues outside of herself. Growing up what we had was never enough it was always looking at what other people had… Example that sticks out in my mind is being at Disney World at the age of 10 or so.. . I remember we were posing for a picture and a classic picturesque Disney World moment. My mom looks to the side and sees a family abundant with many family members 10 or 15 or so and says to us, wow are they so lucky they have such a huge family here with them wouldn’t that be nice“-

– it is a major note in your life, not a side note: that for your mother you, Cali Chica,  were never enough, that she looked at other people, and to the side, not at you who were standing right there in front of her, seeing her as the center of your life, as your Everything, while she did not even consider herself lucky for having you.

Lets fast forward 111 pages of you-and-I going back and forth, to June 27, 2019, to our inner-child exercise, you wrote about your parents: “they always tell me everything, like oh your aunt did this and they did that…. just listen to them. and then sometimes they say oh we are so lucky our daughter is listening good“-

– your mother did not listen to you, your experience was not important to her. It is no wonder that you lived a life where you listen to others.. not to yourself.

Fast forward to January 22, 2020, you wrote: “It is official! We are moving to California!!“, and on Jan 28, 2020 (your last post on tiny buddha before your return on Nov 7, 2021): “we are moving out of nyc on Friday!“- again, that was before the pandemic was a thing in the U.S. I think that you came up with the user name “Cali Chica” because California has been a dream destination for some time. But in California, where you currently live and work, things haven’t really changed, have they.  November 7, 2021, you wrote: “So much has changed in the last 5 years yet so much is still the same” –

– Still the same unloved Cali Chica… not having it within her to love herself.

Remember the acronym SCC, standing for Super Cali Chica- it’s about how you developed your strong and persistent role of being Super, the Best, on Top, so to be enough for your mother to consider herself being lucky for having you as her daughter. That Super Role, SCC, has hardened you, preventing you from allowing yourself to hold in awareness how weak you feel inside, for having been unloved by your mother for so long. Your husband, he is simply not important enough for you to his love as something valuable enough.

You still need to be loved from this one little person (4 feet or so?)- your mother: contact or no-contact, on Mars or on Earth.. is it so?

A daughter of a medical doctor father, married to a surgeon, being a medical doctor yourself… your sister being a PhD pharmacist, quite impressive.. yet, what is Life without Love…?

anita