Crissy,

I am so very sorry for all you have been through. My heart goes out to you, deeply and full of sorrow that a dear sister has been wounded in such a way. One of the hardest things for us to accept is how terrible things happen to great people, and as we encounter one another, all we can do is weep for the past and offer our love.

I was also molested as a child, and there are some things that I learned about healing from it that came to heart as I read your words. Take heart, because the path of healing is one you’re already walking, and for me at least, freedom was only a few key ideas away… and with courage to jump off of an old cliff into a new view, healing is like one beautiful fruit after another.

For me, at least, the most challenging obstacle was shame. As I would sit in a group of people and watched how they interacted, I would feel isolated… like I had a dark secret that prevented me from being myself around them. Almost like my experiences were some kind of disease that I was afraid I would spread if I opened myself up to them. I would compensate by being “reactionary” or playing with the ideas they brought up, but never exposing myself. For fear for them, and for fear of me. Could they really accept someone as broken and abused as I?

This knot of view/action comprised what one of my teachers called my “shame core” and was difficult to untangle. It sapped my confidence and destroyed my inner peace. Almost as if I was forcing myself to live with armor that was always on. The first untangling happened when I realized that what had happened to me was not sex.

My teacher helped me see what sex was. Its a moment of love and connection between two people. That it was a sacred act of beauty, and full of togetherness and wonder, exploration and pleasure. Even though I had been penetrated, it was not sex… it was something else.

The shame was being fueled by my body’s reaction to abuse. Even though my mind knew something was wrong, my body enjoyed it. There was pain involved, but there was also a lot of pleasure. I would even seek my abuser for more! As I grew up and realized what had happened, I had a difficult time forgiving myself for acting in such a way. For me, this was the center of the knot. How could I accept that I initiated acts of penetration and still call it abuse?

My teacher very gently explained that it was very common in victims of sexual abuse. Even though it was painful and demeaning to the spirit, it was a connection. It was something I knew I could do right. This tied it into my self esteem, and self identity.

As I opened up to others, and shared my story with close friends (after carrying it around like a weight for a long time) I was surprised at the responses. They would throw their arms around me and cry. They would show amazing sympathy, and I began to realize that the past did not define who I was, and I was not alone.

I wasn’t a little kid anymore, unable to escape or find my way home. I was an adult, with the ability to say no, to ignore critics, to walk away from the past and move on. I have the memory of what feels wrong (even when at the physical level it feels pleasurable) and through it have a knowledge and intuition of what feels right.

I don’t know how much of my struggle relates to yours, but I can say with absolute certainty that you are neither alone or unlovable. On the contrary, you are very, easily, lovable. And there are many people who have been through similar experiences, and who know the feeling of isolation.

The second knot was boundaries. As you noted, people might “walk all over us”. It up to us to understand and set boundaries. In the past, we may have had no escape, and perhaps it was less dangerous for us to let go and have no boundaries. That was fine for then, but not now! Now we are older, capable and safe. It is actually quite helpful for others when we set them, because it gives people a way to relax and trust. Said differently, when we are clear about what we do like and do not like, other people don’t have to waste energy trying to guess.

The path of healing these knots (as opposed to just seeing them) is all about the courage to be honest. Brene Brown has a great TED talk about the power of vulnerability which I highly recommend. Another I reccomend is a movie called “Lars and the Real Girl”.

Essentially, when we are in a situation or conversation, we surrender into our spontaneous creativity. Said differently, we open up by talking about what comes into our heart and mind, and learn very directly that others not only accept us, and love us, but that what we have to say is part of the divine love that we are seeking. Fear arises when we feel disconnected, but the solution is to say “yes, that’s fear” and jump anyway. Consider that courage can only arise in the presence of fear. After we jump in a few times, we become almost fearless, because even if the exchange goes poorly, we feel content that we tried our best… and it feels waaay better to try and fail than to sit and wallow in the feeling of isolation. Especially when our creativity is nurturing to others, because we’ve seen the ick in this world and can surrender into unconditional love for self and others… knowing that healing and peace is available for all.

Have hope, Crissy. Now that the external circumstances are more settled, the internal circumstances will also settle. Keep jumping, keep asking, and know you are loved. As we open up and speak from the heart, the dissatisfaction or “tastelessness” erodes and we are left with a view that shines like the sun. And, if I missed with these words, disregard any of them. 🙂 Or, feel free to ask other questions, both myself and this community are full of innovations and ideas that help with even the most oddly challenging puzzles. Buddha said that community is critical to development, because it is often easier to see others’ difficulties than our own. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt