Dear noname:

“I just really want to come up with a strategy to help me get my social/emotional needs met… Do you have any strategies for working with loneliness?“- I am sure that (1) such strategies fill in many hundreds of self-help books and articles, written by psychotherapists, other professionals and celebrities, (2) that you had the opportunity to ask this question of the individual and group therapists you saw through the years, (3) that you asked me this question in one form or another during our years of communication, and that I answered it best I could, and (4) that you went over many such strategies, many times over,  during your years-long academic studies that earned you the degree and license to work as a psychotherapist yourself.

“I have no empathy left for my parents whatsoever… I couldn’t give a damn“- you seem to be confusing apathy with healing. Apathy toward abusive parents is a strategy every abused child, in his/ her first decade of life, tries to master: to simply not care. Problem with apathy toward the abusers is that it has a short-term benefit, but long-term, it severely hinders healing.

You wrote regarding your mother: “she sent me and my sister a long angry text message complaining about how we don’t have a relationship anymore. I never text back, I woke up that morning read it and didn’t give it a second thought. I reminded myself then to keep focused on my needs“- you had to remind yourself to keep focusing on your needs because you when you read her angry text message, you focused on her needs.

noname, it is of no personal consequence to me if you continue to avail yourself to your abusive parents and to your sister who insists that… you continue to avail yourself to your abusive mother: your life, your ch0ices. But I am not going to change my understanding of your situation, an understanding developed over a few years, just because you reject it.

anita

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