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relationship with mother?

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  • July 21, 2013 at 2:39 am #38983
    Fe Martin
    Participant

    hows your relationship with mother especially young adult? I’m an only child and a daughter. My parent got divorced and I live with my mother. My dad has his own life. He just got out of jail after 14 years due to drugs. While my mom, she remarried but the marriage lasts only 6-7 years coz my step dad passed away. After that, she used to date a man that lied to her and cheated on her. We had a horrible life as she still put up with all of the misery that the guy caused.He only want my moms money to support him for living. My mom couldnt pay for my school fees for a few months so i had to skip school. I always dislike the guy that she go out with but she never really want to listen to me coz she thought i’m just a little kid. i’m so stressed out with the life that my mom choose. Then now, she’s dating a man that has a wife and family. it breaks my heart that she’s doing this. they argue a lot too now, he even once tried to punch her, kick her and slap her. but he supported us financially. There are times when I caught my mom sleeping with him on bed naked, hotel receipt, they sometime go to hotel. I saw a picture of them lying on bed naked.

    The problem is that i dont know what to do. My mom is not that evil, I still can eat and she doesnt abuse me. But living with her like this make me really sick of my life. and of course i dont even want to see or know her sleeping with the guy. I’m only 20

    July 21, 2013 at 8:02 pm #39034
    Matt
    Participant

    Fe,

    I’m sorry for the tough moments you’ve been having with your mom, it sounds as though your view is full of startling experiences as you see your mom acting in ways that aren’t very healthy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Really there are two seperate things going on. One is your mom and her dreams, view, feelings and decisions. The other is Fe and her dreams, view, feelings and decisions. It must be painful to see your mom suffering. 🙁

    Being only 20, you still have maturing to do, and that maturity is wisely examining your mom’s decisions and figuring out what direction to grow. It is normal and usual to also become a judge for our parents and decide they are fools. Instead of “when she did that, it grew this, so I will learn from her lessons and not do that” we become afraid for her and us and say “what is wrong with her that she can’t see when she does that, it grows this”.

    This creates our own suffering, because the fear prevents us from seeing what is really there. If you look deeply, your mom is looking for good things such as love, security, affection, intimacy and family. Your judgement of her attempts at cultivating those is biting at your heels, because you’re not perfect either. Said differently, when we are in the pattern of judging people for mistakes, we do it externally and internally.

    Instead, we can accept that life is a learning process and we all make decisions that vary between skillful and unskillful, hopefully learning a little with each success and failure. That’s all anyone can do, me, you, her…

    It would be nice if we were all perfect, but that would get pretty boring. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

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