Dear aphroitte1:

Welcome back to your thread and Merry Christmas!

In early January 2018, you shared about your current “nothing serious nor official” boyfriend that you met him three years prior and that when you “met him, everything was beyond perfect“. Today, Christmas Day, you shared that yesterday, Christmas Eve, was the anniversary of the relationship. Based on other numbers, looks like the relationship started on Christmas Eve, Dec 24, 2014.

Following many “pauses”, the two of you “broke up officially for the first time” on March 24, 2017. A month later, you got back together and had an “amazing week“. After that week, the two of you “fought again“. In the summer of 2017, he left to the U.S., and the two of you had “really big fights about stupid things“. When he returned from the U.S., the relationship was “okay for a few weeks“, and then there was another fight. You then called him “a hundred times” and a month later he reached out to you, and yet again and the two of you got back together, but “decided to keep things secret until we work things out“. Soon after there was another fight. At the start of 2018, after you begged hm to “see him and talk this out“, the two of you had a “great night“. You then “asked him what are we now? And he said we are together“.

Fast forward, by March 2021, there was yet another breakup and you started a secret relationship with your (ex) boyfriend’s male friend and “Everything was perfect” with him. Fast forward, about November 2021, your current boyfriend reached out to you, the two of you got back together, unofficially, saw each other for a month and a half, and a fight or fights resumed, the most recent happened following you getting “furious” that he didn’t want to acknowledge or to celebrate the Dec 24, 2021, seven years anniversary of this on-again-off-again turbulent and unofficial relationship.

You closed this Christmas Day post with: “I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated… I feel little guilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc… I just justify every anger I have right now“-

– My thoughts today are regarding your comment that if you wait another 70 years, he still won’t show you love: I don’t think that the main problem in this very turbulent on-again, off-again relationship is AN ABSENCE OF LOVE. I think that the main problem has been all along, A PRESENCE OF ANGER & AGGRESSION, on your side and on his side.

I think that the two of you have been repeatedly turning against each other aggressively, and that you, very thirsty for love, repeatedly tried to make him love you by turning against him, similar to hitting a person and demanding: Love Me! (It’s not going to work).

You ended your post today with what this relationship has been mostly about (anger and aggression) when you shared that you feel guilty about angrily hanging up on him, but then you felt better when you thought that your anger is justified: “I just justify every anger I have right now”.

When the two of you broke up the first time, he told you: “You have destroyed me mentally, I hate you, go destroy someone else’s life“! When the two of you fought and broke up at another time, he told you: “Go destroy someone else“: this is what anger and aggression does: it destroys! It destroys things and people, physically and mentally.

In my Nov 10, 2021, post to you, on the first page of this thread, I focused on your thirst for love, following a childhood where you were not adequately loved, one where you did not feel safe because of a turbulent relationship between your parents, including one fight between them that traumatized you. Having an adult romantic relationship with the theme of anger and aggression is a bad idea for you and for your boyfriend, who also had a bad childhood.

If you get back together, build each other up; do not destroy each other’s mental health, change the theme of the relationship from that of Anger & Aggression to that of Love. If this can’t be done, do not resume the relationship. Make a commitment to Love on this Christmas Day, and again, merry Christmas!

anita