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Two friends who can’t be together

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  • This topic has 50 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by Tee.
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  • #388419
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    What I am interested in is how to heal from all these traumas and attachements? How can I and will I repair from these codepency issues? Is it possible to be a healthy normal person and not attract people that hurt you?

    #388425
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1,

    What I am interested in is how to heal from all these traumas and attachements? How can I and will I repair from these codepency issues? Is it possible to be a healthy normal person and not attract people that hurt you?

    Yes, it’s definitely possible. I’ve done it, many people have done it. The quickest and most transformational way that I know of is healing the inner child. We as children have some basic emotional needs (to be loved, seen, validated, to feel special and important to our parents..), and if those are not met, we are left with an emotional wound. The wounded inner child is a part of us, who is looking for those needs to be met in our adult relationships. And the inner child wants those needs to be met by a person who reminds us of the parent who hurt us…. so that we could finally get what we’ve always longed for.

    The way out is to basically become a good parent to ourselves. To give our own inner child what she hasn’t received properly from her parents. The first thing  is to give ourselves compassion and understanding. Instead of perhaps blaming and judging yourself for being so weak and dependent on other people, have compassion for yourself. Know that it’s your inner child who is needy. Would you judge a little girl for feeling afraid and needy and wanting to be loved? Of course not. So this is how you treat your own inner child: with lots of empathy, compassion, with lots of love and understanding. With lots of motherly energy.

    I assume your mother wasn’t able to soothe you either, and give you the love and warmth that you needed (you said: I’ve never had close relationship with my parents and our love language is not physical touch at all. ) So now when you feel anxious and panicky that you’ll need to be alone, without a boyfriend, try to soothe that little girl who felt so alone, and tell her “I am right here with you, it’s going to be okay”. You can have a doll that represents you as a child, and hold her in your arms and caress her and soothe her.

    I really don’t know how will I handle it but I know that it’s the right thing to do.

    It’s great that you are aware that this is the way forward, and that you’re already working on helping yourself. This is your adult side, deciding to take action and help yourself. Wonderful. This adult part of you can help your inner child. So apart from journaling, you can get in touch with your inner child, talk to her, soothe her, encourage her, tell her she is beautiful and special, and that you love her very much. Do you think you could do that?

     

    #388427
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Yes. I could do that! Thank you 🙂

    #388428
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1,

    You are welcome! If you have any questions or need any help, just let me know. Best of wishes to you!

    #389821
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, aphroitte1?

    anita

    #390265
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your question. Sadly I thought that being with my ex before my friend-ex was going to be better. We were seeing each other for a month and a half, nothing official nor serious. But in this month I’ve felt that my ex is starting to behave the way he did years back. Same patterns, same white lies. And yesterday something happened that made me lose my nerves. 24th of December is our anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our anniversaries because he says that in the beginning I told him that I don’t count the date because we never had a stable normal relationship. So my excuse from years back was used yesterday from his side. I didn’t expect something to happen nor celebrate of course, but maybe the thought or seeing each other would be okay. And of course when he stated that this date doesn’t mean anything I was furious. He didn’t want to chat so he called me. He said the same thing again, that because of our fights and bad years we can’t celebrate that. And I said, okay so we won’t celebrate nothing anymore and just hanged up the phone. And I still haven’t heard from him nor I’ve reached out for him.

    I am very dissapointed and I’ve just realized that this won’t change like ever. I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to. I feel little quilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc.. I just justify every anger I have right now.

    #390266
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1:

    Welcome back to your thread and Merry Christmas!

    In early January 2018, you shared about your current “nothing serious nor official” boyfriend that you met him three years prior and that when you “met him, everything was beyond perfect“. Today, Christmas Day, you shared that yesterday, Christmas Eve, was the anniversary of the relationship. Based on other numbers, looks like the relationship started on Christmas Eve, Dec 24, 2014.

    Following many “pauses”, the two of you “broke up officially for the first time” on March 24, 2017. A month later, you got back together and had an “amazing week“. After that week, the two of you “fought again“. In the summer of 2017, he left to the U.S., and the two of you had “really big fights about stupid things“. When he returned from the U.S., the relationship was “okay for a few weeks“, and then there was another fight. You then called him “a hundred times” and a month later he reached out to you, and yet again and the two of you got back together, but “decided to keep things secret until we work things out“. Soon after there was another fight. At the start of 2018, after you begged hm to “see him and talk this out“, the two of you had a “great night“. You then “asked him what are we now? And he said we are together“.

    Fast forward, by March 2021, there was yet another breakup and you started a secret relationship with your (ex) boyfriend’s male friend and “Everything was perfect” with him. Fast forward, about November 2021, your current boyfriend reached out to you, the two of you got back together, unofficially, saw each other for a month and a half, and a fight or fights resumed, the most recent happened following you getting “furious” that he didn’t want to acknowledge or to celebrate the Dec 24, 2021, seven years anniversary of this on-again-off-again turbulent and unofficial relationship.

    You closed this Christmas Day post with: “I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated… I feel little guilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc… I just justify every anger I have right now“-

    – My thoughts today are regarding your comment that if you wait another 70 years, he still won’t show you love: I don’t think that the main problem in this very turbulent on-again, off-again relationship is AN ABSENCE OF LOVE. I think that the main problem has been all along, A PRESENCE OF ANGER & AGGRESSION, on your side and on his side.

    I think that the two of you have been repeatedly turning against each other aggressively, and that you, very thirsty for love, repeatedly tried to make him love you by turning against him, similar to hitting a person and demanding: Love Me! (It’s not going to work).

    You ended your post today with what this relationship has been mostly about (anger and aggression) when you shared that you feel guilty about angrily hanging up on him, but then you felt better when you thought that your anger is justified: “I just justify every anger I have right now”.

    When the two of you broke up the first time, he told you: “You have destroyed me mentally, I hate you, go destroy someone else’s life“! When the two of you fought and broke up at another time, he told you: “Go destroy someone else“: this is what anger and aggression does: it destroys! It destroys things and people, physically and mentally.

    In my Nov 10, 2021, post to you, on the first page of this thread, I focused on your thirst for love, following a childhood where you were not adequately loved, one where you did not feel safe because of a turbulent relationship between your parents, including one fight between them that traumatized you. Having an adult romantic relationship with the theme of anger and aggression is a bad idea for you and for your boyfriend, who also had a bad childhood.

    If you get back together, build each other up; do not destroy each other’s mental health, change the theme of the relationship from that of Anger & Aggression to that of Love. If this can’t be done, do not resume the relationship. Make a commitment to Love on this Christmas Day, and again, merry Christmas!

    anita

    #390273
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1,

    I am sorry you are feeling sad and disappointed that your old boyfriend hasn’t changed. Unfortunately, it was to be expected, considering his behavior over the years. If a person doesn’t go through some serious healing and transformation, there is no reason why they would change.

    I am very dissapointed and I’ve just realized that this won’t change like ever. I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to.

    It’s a good realization. Till now, all this time, you were hoping he would be different whenever you got back together. But it never happened – the end result was always the same: he left, or sent you away, accusing you of destroying him mentally. He was accusing you, even though you said you did everything to make the relationship work, agreed to his conditions, begged him to stay etc. Similarly like you agreed to secrecy with your latest boyfriend too.

    I can imagine you didn’t ask much for yourself, just to be treated with basic respect and decency. However, you weren’t given any of that, but as you said, you got lack of respect and white lies.

    Unfortunately, a part of you agreed to this kind of treatment, because you yourself said this newest rekindling of your relationship was nothing official or serious:

    We were seeing each other for a month and a half, nothing official nor serious.

    I imagine you would like your romantic relationships to be official and serious, and to be treated like a proper girlfriend, and be official, so that everyone knows about it. But the guys you are with aren’t able or willing to treat you like that – they reject you and keep you a secret. And you, because of your insecurity, used to accept their disrespect and lesser treatment. You used to agree to being kept a secret and to believing that you are the problem, not them.

    You now demanded a better treatment from your old/current boyfriend – to acknowledge your anniversary and show you some love and appreciation, show you that he cares about you, that you are important to him. But instead, he told you this date doesn’t mean anything and explained why you should never celebrate it.

    No wonder you felt very hurt and angry. Why would someone who loves you reject to celebrate your first date? And should you be with a person who so vehemently refuses to appreciate that date, and by extension – refuses to appreciate YOU?

    The answer is no, of course. And I hope you’ve come to the same conclusion, aphriotte1. It appears you have:

    I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to.

    Yes, you’re seeing that right, I am afraid. He isn’t able to give you the love and appreciation you deserve. And you shouldn’t be hoping any more that things will change.

    I feel little quilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc.. I just justify every anger I have right now.

    Don’t feel guilty for hanging up. Your anger is justified, in the sense that you refuse to accept his BS any more. You refuse to be  blamed and disrespected, you refuse to beg for his love and then receive breadcrumbs, if that at all.

    Use your anger constructively: to say STOP to this relationship, to say stop to the emotional abuse you’ve been taking for so many years. Enough is enough. Turn your anger into DETERMINATION to respect yourself and not allow anybody to disrespect you, deny you, keep you a secret, or blame you for treating you badly.

    I hope you’ll have the strength to put an end on this relationship and turn a new page, entering the New Year!

     

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by Tee.
    #390406
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Dear TeaK and anita,

    You both are right. I guess all these years the love for each other is faded and we are just using the comfort place to sit in between someone of us says it’s enough and break it off for forever. After that fight I wanted to write him a text saying that he hurt me so much but he texted me cold, we talked little about that date, he still stated that it doesn’t matter to him now, that everything it doesn’t matter to him anymore. And that makes me furious of course because I can’t find the reason then why sitting with me. If he doesn’t decide to treat me right or do this time like it should then why both suffer? We continued talking but there is a distance between us, it’s cold and friendly, nothing much.

    I am very sick and over this situationship because I can’t believe that in 7 years he never did show me respect and love. And without shame and guilt I am stating that because it’s true. He never did anything serious so I can feel loved and official. When I think of how I’ve never meet his family through these years, I’ve never attended holidays with him or properly celebrated without a fight. He never bought me gift (maybe 2 times and it’s sad to think of that because I loved buying him things and doing things for him, he loved). I was so unappriciated and I am so sorry for myself he made me think that all these years he made me think everything it’s my fault. It never was. Maybe he is not capable of love or he is totally incompatible with me.

    And I’ve became so distant because finally after so many years I realized my worth, I gained small self respect and confidence and I am braver that before. And I know that bothers him. Because I am saying no to his bad behaviour and that will be the deal breaker for him. I am just happy that I am self conscious now about a lot of things and I am not blind and thinking oh, he loves me. No, he doesn’t. Even if he did in some point, his love hurt me. It was not that love that will make me grow, be happy and healthy. And I want that for me. My priority is being myself and happy and finally with peace.

    Of course I am sad that it will lead to forever end because I’ve always fantazised about having kids with him etc. but growing kids with someone so close-minded and patriachial who doesn’t respect me and love me the way I should be loved would be equal to murdering our kids. I don’t want my kids to see unappreciated bad love in front of them and to think that is okay. I want to be the cycle breaker in my own parents patterns and in my love relationships.

    In some way I am very happy and I don’t regret that what happened. I know that growing was meant at this moment not later or before.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by aphroitte1.
    #390418
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1:

    You are welcome. ” I’ve become so distant because finally after so many years I realized my worth, I gained small self-respect and confidence and I am braver that before. And I know that bothers him. Because I am saying no to his bad behaviour and that will be the deal breaker for him”-

    – congratulations for realizing your worth, for respecting yourself, for becoming more confident and braver! Please continue to say no to his and to anyone’s bad behavior!

    It was not that love that will make me grow, be happy and healthy. And I want that for me. My priority is being myself and happy and finally with peace“- excellent! If a supposed love is not helping you grow, if it is not healthy for you… then it is not love at all.

    I don’t want my kids to see unappreciated bad love in front of them and to think that is okay. I want to be the cycle breaker in my own parents’ patterns and in my love relationships“- you are saying all the right things today!

    I’ve never met his family through (7) years“- I would like to understand this better, how did it come about that you never met his family, what were the reasons?

    I’ve never attended holidays with him or properly celebrated without a fight”– can you describe to me a typical fight: did it normally happen in-person or long-distance? How long did it last, how did it begin (who said or did what to whom), what happened during the fight (what did he say and do, what do you say and do, back and forth), how did the typical fight end, and what happened in the aftermath?

    anita

     

    #390423
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Dear anita

    regarding the questions you asked me:

    1. I don’t have a reason to give you why ive never met his parents. He never initiated to meet them or to be in a room with them. He never talked about meeting them. And when I tried talking about that he would say because our relationship is shit he isn’t planning on meeting them with me although he was saying that his grandma loved me so much and talked so exiting about me (how, when she doesn’t know me?) and that when we were broken up his father would say come on reach her a call get back together, that actually made me suspect that he was telling me things that I like to hear, maybe they never talked about me at all. It’s weird because his brother who is now engaged has always included his girlfriend everywhere and that made me so hurt.

    p.s he knew my parents he met them, he attended many of my events

    2. About the fights, well 2 years ago he came from USA on 30th December and I was asking him where are we going to celebrate New Year’s Eve. And he would always like for every going out or event delay the answer or giving me unexplained answers or ignoring me so I can become angry and he would shut me down with we are not going out now because you are so impatient. That made me sick to my stomach and I still remember the feeling how he made me feel crazy for feeling upset. So to get back to the story, it was day before new years eve, first of all he didn’t call me to say that he had arrive home safely, secondly he was delaying the answer about celebrating and he just said okay we are going to make something up tomorrow. He knows that I am not that type of person who would make plans 5 to 12 because it annoys me and it was also frustrating because my parents were asking me where we will be celebrating and I couldn’t give them an answer. So fast forward 31 December came and he slept till 4 p.m. i was waiting for him to get up. So when he texted me that he is awake I immediately asked him okay what are we doing tonight? He became angry saying I am so annoying without patience, crazy and always wanting to fight and ruin everything. That made me feel awful and so angry because I’ve felt like something is not right with me. And after he hanged up on me in this call, he never wrote me back, ignored my calls for 12 hours and broke up with me so cruel and cold and left me of NYE alone sitting and crying. I get shivers by thinking of this. It was disgusting.
    So, to sum up, we had fights about every date we were planning because of his laziness, not interested in it or not committed and would get angry if I get angry and cancel it. In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me in the conversations or if we were with friends instead of being by my side I would always feel like he is making fun out of me. And If I wanted to comfort him he would say that I am always dramatic, we would fight for hours and hours and none of our fights are solved actually. I feel like i cant Talk with him about anything. He doesn’t understand me or he doesnt care. He just made me insecure and crazy. And he had that freedom to call me whatever he wanted and to be very cruel towards me with words that he never should’ve been with me etc. And when we would stop without solving anything, he would be sweet or kind and ignoring that anything happened and never apologised. Never. In the first years of our relationship i couldn’t understand him because he would appear and disappear like we weren’t a couple so I didn’t know if we were. (That leads us to my saying that our anniversary should not be on 24 December because you were always ignoring me and we never had a 1 year  fully dating – he used that now as a reason for not celebrating). The first 2 years I was constantly texting him confused of what are we. When we met on some friends party he was very kind romantic and we would hook up and the next day was cold  ignoring my texts and he would disappear again. And when I would be fed up and continue with my life, he would come back saying he loves me and was angry because I was living my life…. awful. Just awful reminding me myself of these things. It’s catastrophic and I can’t understand why he was and still doing this to me if his intention was never to truly be with me.
    p.s I often thought that I am over dramatic and jealous and awful girlfriend because nowadays  I’ve found the patterns I have from my parent’s relationship but I’ve realized that he made me feel unwanted, unsecure, unloved and my response to this not secure thing was totally normal. I wanted stability not games.

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by aphroitte1.
    #390426
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1:

    I am sorry to read about these 7 years of misery with him. I will need to reply to you further tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now (assuming I will have power and internet at that time). I hope that this New Year Eve is a better one for you than in years past.

    anita

    #390443
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1,

    I’ve became so distant because finally after so many years I realized my worth, I gained small self respect and confidence and I am braver that before. And I know that bothers him. Because I am saying no to his bad behaviour and that will be the deal breaker for him. I am just happy that I am self conscious now about a lot of things and I am not blind and thinking oh, he loves me. No, he doesn’t. Even if he did in some point, his love hurt me. It was not that love that will make me grow, be happy and healthy. And I want that for me. My priority is being myself and happy and finally with peace.

    I am so happy that you’ve realized that he doesn’t truly love you, and that you won’t be allowing to be treated with such disrespect any more!

    I’ve always fantazised about having kids with him etc. but growing kids with someone so close-minded and patriachial who doesn’t respect me and love me the way I should be loved would be equal to murdering our kids. I don’t want my kids to see unappreciated bad love in front of them and to think that is okay. I want to be the cycle breaker in my own parents patterns and in my love relationships.

    This is also a huge realization! You want to break the cycle of generational trauma, you don’t want your children to witness an unhappy marriage, where the father doesn’t respect the mother and treats her poorly. I applaud you for being determined to change the course of your life for the better, to stand up for yourself, to not tolerate lesser treatment, and by doing that, to also show a good example to your future children.

    Your boyfriend was indeed not just treating you poorly, but it was almost emotional torture, e.g. the situation you described on the New Year’s Eve 2 years ago:

    it was day before new years eve, first of all he didn’t call me to say that he had arrive home safely, secondly he was delaying the answer about celebrating and he just said okay we are going to make something up tomorrow. He knows that I am not that type of person who would make plans 5 to 12 because it annoys me and it was also frustrating because my parents were asking me where we will be celebrating and I couldn’t give them an answer. So fast forward 31 December came and he slept till 4 p.m. i was waiting for him to get up. So when he texted me that he is awake I immediately asked him okay what are we doing tonight? He became angry saying I am so annoying without patience, crazy and always wanting to fight and ruin everything.

    You were rightfully frustrated about 1) his not letting you know that he arrived safely, 2) his refusal to make any plans, even though it was already last minute, 3) getting angry at you for urging him to make a decision already, since it was just a few hours before the New Year’s Eve celebrations were to begin.

    That’s just one example of how he blamed you for something he has brought about. He told you you were crazy and impatient, although everybody in your shoes would be impatient! You said that something similar happened whenever you planned to go out with him:

    he would always like for every going out or event delay the answer or giving me unexplained answers or ignoring me so I can become angry and he would shut me down with we are not going out now because you are so impatient. That made me sick to my stomach and I still remember the feeling how he made me feel crazy for feeling upset.

    He would delay the answer, give you vague answers, or ignore you altogether. When you started getting impatient and frustrated, he told you he won’t go anywhere, out of spite. And that it’s all your fault.

    That’s clear emotional abuse. And also, victim blaming. He as the perpetrator blamed the victim. He used to tell you you destroyed him mentally, you ruined his life, and “go destroy someone else’s life”.

    Also, he had no respect and appreciation for you, and he mocked you in front of your friends. When you complained about it, he called you dramatic and crazy, and called you other derogatory names:

    In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me in the conversations or if we were with friends instead of being by my side I would always feel like he is making fun out of me. And If I wanted to comfort him he would say that I am always dramatic, we would fight for hours and hours and none of our fights are solved actually. I feel like i cant Talk with him about anything. He doesn’t understand me or he doesnt care. He just made me insecure and crazy. And he had that freedom to call me whatever he wanted and to be very cruel towards me with words that he never should’ve been with me etc.

    You wanted love and respect for him, you even got into fights because of it, but to no avail. It just made things worse, and in the end, he made you feel it’s all your fault and that there was something wrong with you. You were sinking deeper and deeper into insecurity…

    I am so glad, aphroitte1, that you’ve decided to turn a new page in your life. That you have realized your value, and that it is not you who is the problem in your relationship.

    What I believe would be also useful is to allow yourself to grieve:

    I was so unappriciated and I am so sorry for myself he made me think that all these years he made me think everything it’s my fault. It never was. Maybe he is not capable of love or he is totally incompatible with me.

    I get shivers by thinking of this. It was disgusting.

    Awful. Just awful reminding me myself of these things. It’s catastrophic and I can’t understand why he was and still doing this to me if his intention was never to truly be with me.

    This relationship was very harmful to your mental and emotional health, to your sense of worth and self-esteem. You’ve been traumatized by it. I think it would help you if you would acknowledge that you’ve been through a lot of mental and emotional abuse, a lot of pain, and to have compassion for that aphroitte, who at the time didn’t have the strength to resist and stand up for herself. Just be with her, see her, embrace her, soothe her… I think it would help you heal more quickly…

     

    #390468
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aphroitte1:

    When you started a relationship with him on December 24, 2014, “everything was beyond perfect“.

    Fast forward 7 years to December 2021: “So, to sum up, we had fights about every date we were planning… In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me…  making fun out of me… we would fight for hours and hours…  He doesn’t understand me, or he doesn’t care… he would appear and disappear like we weren’t a couple, so I didn’t know if we were…he was and still doing this to me“-

    – It’s been as far away as can be from “beyond perfect” for a long, long time, it’s been more like… beyond miserable!

    Let him go during these last remaining days of this year. Plan on something New for the fast-approaching New Year2022. It doesn’t have to be Perfect, a significant improvement over beyond-miserable is a good beginning!

    Have a Happy New Year and a better year ahead!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #390477
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Dear anita and TeaK,

    thank you for your lovely words and clarity. Helped me so much!

    I hope you have wonderful holidays and Happy New Year!

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