Dear ginn:

Thank you for understanding my concern. My concern is born out of how guilty I used to feel about my mother (an unjustified guilt), a guilt that stood in the way of my healing and caused me to waste away so much of my life.

“It’s just my concern… (that) blaming him for everything…  I know how much it hurts my father and me“- I understand your concern: if he knows that you blame him, he will hurt, and if he hurts, you will hurt because you love him.

I assign this definition to the verb to blame: to assign responsibility for a wrongdoing. I know from very personal experience that assigning responsibility correctly is necessary for mental health.

Here are my suggestions: (1) Don’t blame him for “everything“, only for this or that specific wrongdoing that he really is guilty of, (2) You don’t have to express to him that you blame him for anything at all, do you? Instead, when he harshly criticizes you next, tell him kindly what about his criticism is harsh, and explain to him that harsh criticism does the opposite of what he intends it to do. Maybe he will listen to you.

anita