Hi. I just stumbled across this post and felt like I needed to write about own my experience as well since I can relate to almost every post here. Maybe someone can help me.

I have always been attracted to boys growing up. All my crushes were boys, I have always fantasized about dating one. I never doubted my attraction to boys. When I think of my future, I always see myself with a husband and kids. I like hugging them, being close to them, I get „butterflies“ wjen I think about my recent romantic encounter with a guy I liked and even felt heartbroken when I left him (summer romance). Whenever I fall asleep I imagine scearios with boys I have a crush on and thinking of doing sexual tjings with them turns me on.

Whenever I see a beautiful woman my first thought is that i wanna look LIKE them not have sex with them or that I wanna be friends with her.

Now this is where it gets complicated pls bear with me. When I was around 13 years old or so I was walking with my cousin with our arm interwined like friends. As a joke she said: Oh we look like a couple haha! And since then I had the thought in my brain: OMG what if you like WOMEN and not MEN? From then on I have periods of time where I overthink my sexuality. I even questioned if i was in LOVE with my cousin which is so stupid because I‘m obviously not into my family. When I don‘t have these intrusive thoughts  I don‘t even question it all! As I said I never had a crush on a woman and thinking about who I liked there are only men and male characters. But then they come back over the course of the past years and today I am 21 and since mid of last year it has becomen way worse. I don‘t feel like myself anymore. I am scared to go outside because I don‘t wanna be close to a female in case I feel attracted to her. I‘ve cut friendships with some of my female friends over the past 3 years bc I randomöy question if im in love with them. I google coming out stories, do tests if im gay, read in these forums like this. Just recently I started watching porn some times to see whether i‘m attracted to the men and women. Watching porn is not enjoyable to me, I only do it to give myself relief that I am in fact attracted to men. But this doesn‘t help at all. 24/7 I question my sexuality in my brain and it‘s making me miserable. The first thing I think about waking up is : I am lesbian. Because I think so much about this I even dream about it and have trouble falling asleep. I‘ve read that straight people don‘t question it and this is making my anxiety even worse. I don‘t want to be lesbian at all. The thought makes me uncomfortable, I feel at ease when thinking of men but women not. As of now i feel like I‘m just in denial and when I think:“ Okay you know what I‘m gay/bi“ just to make these thoughts go away but it doesnt help at all. It just feels so so wrong. I get anxious reading about gay things, watching lesbian couples. Becase of this anxiety I get so many groinal repsponses whenevee i see any woman. It‘s making me uncomfortable to the point where I believe that Inmight just be in denial. My brain doesn‘t shut up at all and I just want to cry.

Also, I want to mention that I never kissed someone at all. I‘ve had the chance with some but as of now I‘m scared that I won‘t like it which will comfirm that I am in fact gay. This is making me feel terrible because on the one hand I know who I like but then its like my brain telling me other things to the point where I believe it. I also had the fear for a short time that I was attracted to my dad or something which is just so sick bc again this is of course not the case. My brain is just going through this right now for the past year almost and I don‘t know what to do anymore. I‘m also on dating wensites and sometimes I change it to women to see if im attracted to that but it just doesnt feel like right and makes me jncomfortable.

Idk if this is important but I was also bullied in school for a few years where guys called me ugly and stuff. It still messes up with my confidence and I feel like no guy will ever think I‘m attractive. I am pretty self concoous about my looks and I think this stems from the years of bullying. I also don’t have many friends and birthdaS have always been hard for me because i felt like im alone. I always wanted to hwve many friends. Just 2  years ago I toöd my friends that this happened to me. Also, during school I was very anxious around getting grades and were always afraid to look into my exams. I‘m a person who needs reassurance and I always feel like I‘m annoying others and overthink that. Overthinking my sexuality is however the longest I overthiugh something and im just scared that it‘s true and that Im in denial since it has been this long. I can‘t go out anymore without thinking: Am i attracted to her?

I also talked with my friend who is bi about this and she said that it is not normal to be afraid to go out bc of this fear. Idk what to do anymore and wpuld appreciate all the help. Also, sorry for the mistakes but english is not my mother tongue.