Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Suddenly questioning my sexuality..?
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September 28, 2018 at 9:07 am #227873AnjaParticipant
If anyone has been feeling this uncomfortable emergence of feeling then please feel free to reach out and tell me your experience. I know it may sound odd that I say “suddenly”. Because it actually is all of a sudden, I have never gotten the feeling that I may be bi sexual or lesbian until now. I don’t feel like myself anymore, in fact and have always felt girly and womanly. I was always very emotional, very drawn to men, passionately, emotionally, physically, and the way they carried themselves and their characters. I have ALWAYS identified as straight. Never have I ever questioned by sexuality twice like I am now. I am 21 years old and currently in a year long relationship with my amazing boyfriend that’s I love with all my heart and soul. Right now we’re doing great, we are doing long distance so it is tough but we are very much in love. We have talked about marriage, having a kid, etc. If there’s one thing I can imagine with my boyfriend is having a child with him, and taking care of it together. My boyfriend and I perfect for each other. Everything leading up to us becoming a couple was perfect, we clicked so well and he’s never felt this way about any girl before. He talks about me being the mother of his child and getting married, he’s head over heels in love and well, so am I. We are very sexually active with each other and never have I imagined another woman being present to heighten the sensation like other bi sexuals or lesbians have. In fact the idea of having a three some would be repulsive to me and a deep rooted fear in me that I would never agree to do. And the reason being is watching someone I love give someone else sexual attention. Ive always been competitive with women in looks and many other aspects.I’ve always been pretty insecurity with myself and in relationships especially, incredibly a jealous and envious person. I’ve never crushed on a girl or felt any sort of attraction, only admiration for their social status and their style of physical appearance. I always wanted to BE them, not be with them. This is about to get very confusing. But bear with me, please. I’ve always felt very uncomfortable with myself and was very emotional as mentioned before and my only happiness would depend on if guys I wanted wanted me back. I remember being very emotionally involved in all my past relationships with men. I did not have a great relationship with my father growing up as he was very neglecting during my adolescent years. I would be Incredibly devastated and heart broken when men in my past broke up with me or I found out they cheated. It would kill me. My current relationship is a lot healthier than my past ones and maybe I’m not used to such a consistent and easy going relationship like this one. All of a sudden I started getting uncomfortably aroused by pictures of women on Instagram that I would usually judge and compare myself with or imagine “wow my boyfriend would probably thinks she’s hot”. I do watch porn, I have for a majority of my life. I would say I have a pretty high sex drive. My boyfriend can easily confirm this. Lately I’ve been feeling as said before uncomfortably drawn to women… why? Not as in I’m plotting going on dates or doing anything sexual but these recurring thoughts are making me think I’m full blow lesbian, when I know I’m not. As soon as I started feeling this I freaked out. I cried uncontrollably, had panic attack’s, called my mom, paced around in my room, would constantly reassure myself I was straight through online forums/discussions and definitions, if anyone else has these sudden feelings out of no where. Aside from the sudden feelings, I don’t feel like myself, prior to this fear, I felt completely different than how I feel now. I don’t even feel like a woman anymore, or like myself, what I possess, what I’m passionate about, nothing. All of my mental energy has been focused on this. I don’t leave my bed, don’t drink enough water, I don’t eat, I cry, I pace around the room and and try to make these thoughts go away. I’m not religious but I’ve prayed to god to make these thoughts go away. And no, it’s not because my family won’t be accepting, they don’t mind anything and my mom was super understanding in talking about this. I have not yet seen a therapist for this but I think that will be my next step. I’ve suffered with anxiety my whole life, it is genetic since my aunt and mom both have it. I’ve avoided being around my woman friends due to this issue. I have never and I mean never thought of them in a sexual way or manner, I’ve always lacked consistent woman friendships though because I don’t have the best taste in people. During the past 5 days, periodically I would feel completely and totally normal and not question if I was bi or gay. I wouldn’t even question my relationship with my boyfriend, everything was fine and normal during these times then the thoughts would come back, like something I can’t run away from. I’ve experienced extreme paranoia due to this. I’m reading up on HOCD and if I match the symptoms. Basically I match every single one, but, you can never diagnose yourself through google. Deep down, I know I’m straight, it’s just these thoughts that get to my head that make me think I’m not. I’ve had very close emotional relstionships with friends but never was drawn to kiss them or engage in sexual activity. I’ve seen some of my friends kiss their friends and was a bit disturbed but it happens to everyone. When sexually fantasizing, it was always me imagining sex with the opposite sex and becoming incredibly aroused and climaxing. Then I began watching porn, and I think maybe that this fear rooted from over excessive use of porn. I would watch porn at most 5-6 times a day , sex became so interesting to me. I would crave sex constantly the more I watched porn and porn would help me void something I felt was missing. I felt like a nymphomaniac. Whenever I’m with my boyfriend, i feel like a nympho, wanting to have intercourse mostly every day. I would never watch gay porn, it would only be a man and woman. I still get turned on by sex between a man and woman, lesbian porn looks weird to me and does not really arouse me. That’s where the confusion is, when I actually imagine kissing and having sex with a girl i feel very uncomfortable, and disgusted, like it just doesn’t feel right. I also have been smoking marijuana since high school, in which has been very detrimental for me through out my life. Maybe I’m bored with men and have incredibly stressful experiences with them that now I feel more bonded with women in which I mistake that in attraction. I cannot see myself with a woman long term, a relationship with a woman would not be ideal. I’ve asked 3 of my friends and been totally and completely honest with them and they said they haven’t thought for a Econd that’s I could be gay, and this feeling may be a longing for an emotional and physical connection that’s I’m not receiving from my boyfriend at the moment since it is long distance. These intrusive thoughts are getting in the way of everything, literally, and I need advice on what to do. What scares me most is leaving him and my urge to leave him that is unwilling, I don’t actually want to be out of our relationship, I truly enjoy communicating and being in his life day by day. We are so comfortable in each other’s presence. If anyone has any questions for me feel free to ask, I’m just as confused as you most likely. This also began during my pre me Sutran cycle phase, so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it.September 28, 2018 at 1:15 pm #228005AnonymousGuest
I will be able to read and reply to your post when I am back to the computer, which will be in about fifteen hours. I hope other members will reply before I am back.
anitaSeptember 29, 2018 at 7:42 am #228083AnonymousGuest
You asked for advice, here is my advice to you:
1. Stop watching porn (“I do watch porn, I have the majority of my life… this fear rooted from over excessive use of porn. I would watch porn at most 5-6 times a day”).
2. Stop smoking marijuana (“I also have been smoking marijuana since high school, in which has been very detrimental for me through out my life”).
3. Attend psychotherapy so to manage and heal from your anxiety (“I’ve suffered with anxiety my whole life”).
You are now focused on the issue of sexual orientation but your issue is not your sexual orientation but your obsessive thinking which is fueled by anxiety.
anitaSeptember 30, 2018 at 10:52 am #228183WalieaParticipant
First, please do not believe your thoughts specially if they are so destructive and if they make you feel crying and completely unable to maintain your usual daily activities. There is a good technique which helps to combat such thoughts, where you try to distance yourself from them and just find a mental spot where you can observe them and you will very soon realize they are not you. Maintain this position as long as you can. ˝I am not my thoughts, I am thinker of the thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. They have no power over me. No descending into them. I am free.˝ Feel this with both your heart and mind and you will be soon free of them and have a clearer picture.
Second, I urge you to stop watching pornography, because it is highly destructive to the psyche, specially at young age such is yours. Porn is very suggestible because it relies on basic human need / instinct of sexual drive, but it completely distorts it. It counts on body instincts alone. Since we are visual beings, those images literally go into our consciousness and get life of their own which overburdens the psyche. The psyche instinctively knows pornography leads mental health downward and that it distorts true purpose of sex (emotional attunement and loving union of body, mind and emotions which leads to most beautiful climax.)
Please, cut it out and whenever you feel the urge to watch it, try to channel that urge into something creative. But you need to realize this for yourself.
Hope this helps.November 24, 2018 at 8:47 am #248315AsherParticipant
First of all, I’d like to let you know that you are always the expert on your own sexuality – no one else can define it except you. If a label feels uncomfortable, you never have to use it. You’re under no obligation to tell anyone else, either. Your sexuality belongs to you.
But from what I’m reading, it seems like the idea of being gay or bisexual disgusts and upsets you. Yet you constantly have this thought and have trouble focusing on anything else. This really does seem like it’s an intrusive thought which is a symptom of many different anxiety disorders – your research on OCD may be substantiated. You need to see a professional psychologist or LCSW. There are often resources available if you can’t regularly access this care, I would suggest doing a targeted search in your area.
I had a similar experience I’d like to share as someone with diagnosed OCD – I would obsess over the idea I was secretly straight and somehow faking my attraction, or that it would go away. That thought was heartbreaking to me and caused me a lot of distress – I just KNEW it wasn’t truly who I was. Thinking of living life as a heterosexual person filled me with dread and depressed me. I think that you might feel the same way about being lesbian. It’s important to know this thought is hard to get rid of because it is upsetting to you – not because it’s true. It sounds like you’re afraid that you’ll lose your boyfriend (and good relationship) if you were gay and that scares you.
In general (and as a gay person who has spent a long, long time in the queer community) gay and bisexual people do not feel disgust at the idea of being attracted to the same sex. We may feel shame and struggle with internalized homophobia because we have been told it is bad/sinful or fear the way being gay will impact our lives (discrimination, loss of family/friends, etc.) but genuinely feel happy and excited at the prospect of loving and dating other women/men. It’s a part of realizing ourselves.
Lastly, you have your whole life to figure out who you are and who you love – if your answer ever changes, that’s fine. It doesn’t invalidate anything you’ve felt in the past, or are feeling now. It does not change your worth as a person. I hope you receive unconditional love & acceptance for yourself and from others as you cope with your anxieties, whatever the outcome.June 17, 2019 at 6:31 pm #299535JackParticipant
It is just an intrusive thought trust me it can and will go away if you search how to handle themApril 1, 2020 at 10:48 am #346506PDParticipant
I know you’ve posted this a while ago, however I am now going through the exact same thing you wrote about. Reading your post was exactly like if they were my words. If you don’t mind, I would love to know how it turned out for you and if you are still having these thoughts. These thoughts suddenly came to me last night and I haven’t been able to sleep and I’ve been reading through forums like this one but so far your post was the only was that made me feel okay and know deep down that everything is fine with me. I am also in a relationship with my boyfriend for 1,5 now and we’ve also been doing lost distance for the past 4 months. Plus, I am also about to get my period. If it’s better we can talk about this somewhere else but this public site, just let me know. Thanks in advance!!April 5, 2020 at 11:07 am #347124BreParticipant
I am also going through the same thing. I’m not currently in a relationship but when I was in a relationship with my boyfriend I never questioned my sexuality. I feel the same as you when you said that this post feels like it’s your own words and it’s the only thing that has made you feel okay. I’ve been having these thoughts for about a week now. I have started going to therapy, but it’s only been a couple days. I’m afraid I can’t offer you any advice, but I’d love to talk to you more if you’re open to it!April 9, 2020 at 7:35 pm #348522JinParticipant
I’m very happy I found this. I was searching this up and read about what you said and apparently I’m going through the same exact thing. I feel like a horrible person about it because I have the fear of labeling myself as gay/ lesbian knowing that I’m not. I was never like this before until I reached pre-adulthood and it started happening. I know for a fact that this isn’t normal and has nothing to do with my sexuality. I don’t know if it’s an OCD issue but I hope I can get help.April 13, 2020 at 3:51 pm #349272shahdraParticipant
I am having the same problem .and I am freaking .out like I cant describe what I am feeling because when I am not having the thoughts that I am a lesbian I will not feel that I am attracted to a girl but when I am having them it doesnt have any science cause I know that I dont like girls it is like there is a lesbian in my head that makes me think like that. I am freaking out and I really really need help it is so confusing and frustrating.June 10, 2020 at 6:49 am #358061AgParticipant
Wow i literally just joined this website because of this thread. I have been experiencing the same thing and its terrifying. Im a step away from having a panic attack about this. I too have NEVER questioned my sexuality until about a month ago. And even the thought of it caused me sooo much distress i panicked. I have been in the most incredible relationship with a man the past two years. I fantasize about getting married and starting a family with him constantly. Its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in. I do occasionally watch lesbian porn that i will admit to. Its just more focused on the womens pleasure, its softer, more skilled. I dont do it often, perhaps once a month? I have never felt attracted to another woman to the point where i wanted her. So i cant tell if im full blown lesbian now or really its just a fantasy. Because if i really really try to imagine myself doing something with another woman im kind of disgusted. My man and i also just moved in together. But reading your post, Anja.. makes me believe that it is totally normal to suddenly question this. You speak in the way that i do, you two have great intimacy, want to proceed and start a life together.. so quite honestly it sounds like such a human thing to ask before you settle down. Is this truly the right thing for me? Really coming from your (and mine!) own insecurities about the fear of losing the relationship especially if you were gay (thanks asher!!!) Its also such a sensitive topic for people. Who u choose to be intimate with emotionally and sexually is the ultimate human need. And it seems like youre just making sure you are safe emotionally. That all your needs are met. Living with my boyfriend has heightened my sensitivity about this because i love him so much and it scares me at times. And my mind thinks of all the ways i could lose him. Being gay is one of them. Us constantly fighting and not making solutions while living together is one of them. I could go on. I also like that someone pointed put that Intrusive thoughts cause us distress and arent the truth.. that is good advice.June 10, 2020 at 7:32 am #358142AnonymousGuest
“I love him so much and it scares me at times”- fear fuels overthinking, sometimes so much so that we obsess, and your obsession is: am I gay?
I am not a gay detector, but I didn’t read a single thing you wrote that suggests to me that you are gay.
You wrote that one thing that scares you is “Being gay”, and the other: “Us constantly fighting and not making solutions while living together”. Constantly fighting is a real danger to a relationship. On the other hand, an attraction to both sexes is not a danger to a relationship:
When a strictly straight woman marries a man, she needs to not give in to her attraction to other people (men) during her marriage. Similarly, a woman attracted to men and women, has to do the same thing: to not give in to her attraction to other people (men and women) during her marriage.
I personally know of a young woman who identifies herself as a pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to gender) who married a man and stated clearly that she believes in monogamy and will be faithful to her husband.
* PD, Bre, Jin and Shahdra: I just noticed you posted here in April this year. If any of you is still following this thread, please post again: I would like to communicate with you further.June 11, 2020 at 4:00 am #358152AgParticipant
thanks for your insight. One thing i did realiE is how sudden and intense these thoughts were and how much they scared me. Ive done some research that i think may be a great resource to everyone on this thread. I too have suffered from anxiety for most of my life and have gone to therapy for it and at times it still gets the best of me. Ive realized im more OCD than i thought. Reading through this resource was as if someone took the situation right out of my life. The fact of the matter is: an unwanted intrusive thought causes extreme worry and anxiety and distress, discomfort, embarrassment. And it usually pertains to doubts about a relationship, orientation, viruses (hello corona), life decisions etc. its important to realize it for what it is, a junk thought that crossed your mind. I think its important to turn to self love and acceptance during this time and understand why these triggers are presenting themselves in such a way. It usually is the complete opposite too ive found. Ie those that think of suicide in fact love life. In my case for example, im so in love and took the next step with my boyfriend and this is triggering my own insecurities. Its an opposite end of the continuum. I hope this resource is as helpful to someone as it was to me
https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/unwanted-intrusive-thoughtsJune 11, 2020 at 5:40 am #358243AnonymousGuest
You are welcome and thank you for offering others a resource that helped you. I looked at it and reads like a good resource. Here is part of what it says: “People who experience unwanted intrusive thoughts are afraid that they might commit the acts they picture in their mind. They also fear that the thoughts mean something terrible about them”- notice the words afraid and fear, and this is what OCD is about: being afraid of thoughts.
Thoughts are mental events, they happen quickly and without consequence; there are many thousands of thoughts happening in every person’s brain every hour or so. None of the thoughts are dangerous. Yet people suffering from OCD are afraid of their thoughts as if the thoughts are dangerous, dangerous to one’s relationship, to one’s moral integrity (believing that a thought makes a person bad), and even to one’s life and others’ lives. I suffered from OCD since I was six and diagnosed with it many years later, so I am very familiar with the topic. It took me a long, long time to really understand that my thoughts are not dangerous to me or to others, that they have no power whatsoever.
The website you provided suggests to remind yourself that the thoughts we don’t want to have aka intrusive thoughts are automatic, not a matter of choice (therefore we are not bad people for thinking this or that), to accept them and the anxiety that accompanies these thoughts instead of rejecting the thoughts and trying to push them out. Basically, it’s about not panicking and instead of rushing (which we instinctively do when afraid), slow down. In regard to slowing down the rushing, panicking brain, mindfulness exercises are helpful.
anitaJune 25, 2020 at 5:21 am #359492AnnaParticipant
I am going through something similar. A few years ago when I was younger I had questioned it before. After a few months – half a year I was doing better and came to the conclusion that. I am straight even though I occasionally had a crush on a girl… But it was never like I could imagine a relationship or something.. it wasn’t romantic or sexual it was more like I though they were really pretty and cool. However after I had this “phase” I had several crushes on boys that lasted a lot longer and were more intense.. these crushes definitely made me happier … cause back when i was questioning my sexuality I would just like you get stressed and anxious cause it wasn’t something I wanted and I knew it wasn’t me. Now 4 years later a week ago I started having these thought again.. I had a panic , anxiety and a lot of sadness and I still do and this Forum kinda helped me.. I definitely don’t like the idea of dating a girl or any intimate relationship which means I am straight but yet the thought and “fear” comes up all the time. It hess. come to the point where wherever I think I’ll get a crush on girls when it’s just all in my head. Deep down I know that I am not attracted to them in this way but it’s a constant fight between what I know and what my mind is saying because those thoughts cause a lot of stress and discomfort in me in oppose to the thoughts of boys that I like.. I know I should just stop thinking but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do about it or what it is from and it’s not like I would have a problem if I was bi or something I already talked to several ppl about it and it have very understanding and supportive people around me but It’s not that. It’s not that. I am afraid of what society would say or something not at all… it’s all about me. It’s about me not liking this feelings of uncertainty and of constant overthinking. I know that the idea Doesn’t flatter me and I liked / like being guy crazy but yet it still comes up and causes a massive amount of unhappiness and It’s also the first time I have heard of OCD but eventually it is what I have because I noticed that ever since I Ma young I always overthink something .. there’s always something that my mind chooses to stress over and as much as I don’t want to it continues to think about it and worry about it until I get so upset that I go to therapy or something… I have also started it overthink all past experiences and to see if there were and sights maybe and I know that ever since elementary school I had crushes on boys but I also liked girls but never in that way , does that make sense? I liked them and tried rlly hard to be friends with some but I never imagined anything sexual or something and the idea does not flatter me at all…