Dear Anja:

You asked for advice, here is my advice to you:

1. Stop watching porn (“I do watch porn, I have the majority of my life… this fear rooted from over excessive use of porn. I would watch porn at most 5-6 times a day”).

2. Stop smoking marijuana (“I also have been smoking marijuana since high school, in which has been very detrimental for me through out my life”).

3. Attend psychotherapy so to manage and heal from your anxiety (“I’ve suffered with anxiety my whole life”).

You are now focused on the issue of sexual orientation but your issue is not your sexual orientation but your obsessive thinking which is fueled by anxiety.

anita

First of all, I’d like to let you know that you are always the expert on your own sexuality – no one else can define it except you. If a label feels uncomfortable, you never have to use it. You’re under no obligation to tell anyone else, either. Your sexuality belongs to you.

But from what I’m reading, it seems like the idea of being gay or bisexual disgusts and upsets you. Yet you constantly have this thought and have trouble focusing on anything else. This really does seem like it’s an intrusive thought which is a symptom of many different anxiety disorders – your research on OCD may be substantiated. You need to see a professional psychologist or LCSW. There are often resources available if you can’t regularly access this care, I would suggest doing a targeted search in your area.

I had a similar experience I’d like to share as someone with diagnosed OCD – I would obsess over the idea I was secretly straight and somehow faking my attraction, or that it would go away. That thought was heartbreaking to me and caused me a lot of distress – I just KNEW it wasn’t truly who I was. Thinking of living life as a heterosexual person filled me with dread and depressed me. I think that you might feel the same way about being lesbian. It’s important to know this thought is hard to get rid of because it is upsetting to you – not because it’s true. It sounds like you’re afraid that you’ll lose your boyfriend (and good relationship) if you were gay and that scares you.

In general (and as a gay person who has spent a long, long time in the queer community) gay and bisexual people do not feel disgust at the idea of being attracted to the same sex. We may feel shame and struggle with internalized homophobia because we have been told it is bad/sinful or fear the way being gay will impact our lives (discrimination, loss of family/friends, etc.) but genuinely feel happy and excited at the prospect of loving and dating other women/men. It’s a part of realizing ourselves.

Lastly, you have your whole life to figure out who you are and who you love – if your answer ever changes, that’s fine. It doesn’t invalidate anything you’ve felt in the past, or are feeling now. It does not change your worth as a person. I hope you receive unconditional love & acceptance for yourself and from others as you cope with your anxieties, whatever the outcome.

Hi Anja!

I know you’ve posted this a while ago, however I am now going through the exact same thing you wrote about. Reading your post was exactly like if they were my words. If you don’t mind, I would love to know how it turned out for you and if you are still having these thoughts. These thoughts suddenly came to me last night and I haven’t been able to sleep and I’ve been reading through forums like this one but so far your post was the only was that made me feel okay and know deep down that everything is fine with me. I am also in a relationship with my boyfriend for 1,5 now and we’ve also been doing lost distance for the past 4 months. Plus, I am also about to get my period. If it’s better we can talk about this somewhere else but this public site, just let me know. Thanks in advance!!

I’m very happy I found this. I was searching this up and read about what you said and apparently I’m going through the same exact thing. I feel like a horrible person about it because I have the fear of labeling myself as gay/ lesbian knowing that I’m not. I was never like this before until I reached pre-adulthood and it started happening. I know for a fact that this isn’t normal and has nothing to do with my sexuality. I don’t know if it’s an OCD issue but I hope I can get help.

Wow i literally just joined this website because of this thread. I have been experiencing the same thing and its terrifying. Im a step away from having a panic attack about this. I too have NEVER questioned my sexuality until about a month ago. And even the thought of it caused me sooo much distress i panicked. I have been in the most incredible relationship with a man the past two years. I fantasize about getting married and starting a family with him constantly. Its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in. I do occasionally watch lesbian porn that i will admit to. Its just more focused on the womens pleasure, its softer, more skilled. I dont do it often, perhaps once a month? I have never felt attracted to another woman to the point where i wanted her. So i cant tell if im full blown lesbian now or really its just a fantasy. Because if i really really try to imagine myself doing something with another woman im kind of disgusted. My man and i also just moved in together. But reading your post, Anja.. makes me believe that it is totally normal to suddenly question this. You speak in the way that i do, you two have great intimacy, want to proceed and start a life together.. so quite honestly it sounds like such a human thing to ask before you settle down. Is this truly the right thing for me? Really coming from your (and mine!) own insecurities about the fear of losing the relationship especially if you were gay (thanks asher!!!) Its also such a sensitive topic for people. Who u choose to be intimate with emotionally and sexually is the ultimate human need. And it seems like youre just making sure you are safe emotionally. That all your needs are met. Living with my boyfriend has heightened my sensitivity about this because i love him so much and it scares me at times. And my mind thinks of all the ways i could lose him. Being gay is one of them. Us constantly fighting and not making solutions while living together is one of them. I could go on. I also like that someone pointed put that Intrusive thoughts cause us distress and arent the truth.. that is good advice.

Hi anita,

thanks for your insight. One thing i did realiE is how sudden and intense these thoughts were and how much they scared me. Ive done some research that i think may be a great resource to everyone on this thread. I too have suffered from anxiety for most of my life and have gone to therapy for it and at times it still gets the best of me. Ive realized im more OCD than i thought. Reading through this resource was as if someone took the situation right out of my life. The fact of the matter is: an unwanted intrusive thought causes extreme worry and anxiety and distress, discomfort, embarrassment. And it usually pertains to doubts about a relationship, orientation, viruses (hello corona), life decisions etc. its important to realize it for what it is, a junk thought that crossed your mind. I think its important to turn to self love and acceptance during this time and understand why these triggers are presenting themselves in such a way. It usually is the complete opposite too ive found. Ie those that think of suicide in fact love life. In my case for example, im so in love and took the next step with my boyfriend and this is triggering my own insecurities. Its an opposite end of the continuum. I hope this resource is as helpful to someone as it was to me

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/unwanted-intrusive-thoughts

Hello!

I am going through something similar. A few years ago when I was younger I had questioned it before. After a few months – half a year I was doing better and came to the conclusion that. I am straight even though I occasionally had a crush on a girl… But it was never like I could imagine a relationship or something.. it wasn’t romantic or sexual it was more like I though they were really pretty and cool. However after I had this “phase” I had several crushes on boys that lasted a lot longer and were more intense.. these crushes definitely made me happier … cause back when i was questioning my sexuality I would just like you get stressed and anxious cause it wasn’t something I wanted and I knew it wasn’t me. Now 4 years later a week ago I started having these thought again.. I had a panic , anxiety and a lot of sadness and I still do and this Forum kinda helped me.. I definitely don’t like the idea of dating a girl or any intimate relationship which means I am straight but yet the thought and “fear” comes up all the time. It hess. come to the point where wherever I think I’ll get a crush on girls when it’s just all in my head. Deep down I know that I am not attracted to them in this way but it’s a constant fight between what I know and what my mind is saying because those thoughts cause a lot of stress and discomfort in me in oppose to the thoughts of boys that I like.. I know I should just stop thinking but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do about it or what it is from and it’s not like I would have a problem if I was bi or something I already talked to several ppl about it and it have very understanding and supportive people around me but It’s not that. It’s not that. I am afraid of what society would say or something not at all… it’s all about me. It’s about me not liking this feelings of uncertainty and of constant overthinking. I know that the idea Doesn’t flatter me and I liked / like being guy crazy but yet it still comes up and causes a massive amount of unhappiness and It’s also the first time I have heard of OCD but eventually it is what I have because I noticed that ever since I Ma young I always overthink something .. there’s always something that my mind chooses to stress over and as much as I don’t want to it continues to think about it and worry about it until I get so upset that I go to therapy or something… I have also started it overthink all past experiences and to see if there were and sights maybe and I know that ever since elementary school I had crushes on boys but I also liked girls but never in that way , does that make sense? I liked them and tried rlly hard to be friends with some but I never imagined anything sexual or something and the idea does not flatter me at all…