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Suddenly questioning my sexuality..?

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  • #365175
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marta:

    On Aug 7, you asked me: “Do you have any advice for me on how to deal with all of this, it would be really helpful”-

    Having read your recent post, this is my advice:

    1) Do not visit HOCD forums and no longer read about HOCD.

    2) Do not watch/ look at/ read anything pornographic.

    3) See a medical doctor (MD) so to be evaluated for  OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.

    4) Make an appointment with a psychotherapist who specializes in OCD (if diagnosed by the MD).

    * I understand that you are a minor, and that your mother is religious and you don’t want to tell her about the sexual nature of your obsessions. Well, you don’t have to share with her that you suffer from obsessions and what the obsessions are about. Tell her instead that you suffer from anxiety and that you would  like to see a doctor for your anxiety. (Anxiety is what fuels OCD, and you did express that you suffered from anxiety before the current obsessions)

    * Here is what causes me to think that you suffer from OCD: “I can’t stop thinking about.. I’m just overthinking it… Before all of this started I have had a lot of problems with stress, overthinking and analyzing every detail in my life… Maybe all of this is because of my overthinking.. I analyze everything“.

    * When you watch or read anything pornographic, at times you feel sexually aroused (“I even try to read books to see if I’m aroused”). Your sexual arousal is feeding the sexual nature of your obsessions. When you post in public forums about your sexual thoughts- you are arousing yourself and you are arousing some of those who read your posts, particularly those who identify themselves as HOCD people.

    By arousing yourself and others, you are feeding and strengthening your obsessions of the sexual nature. Sexual obsessions whatever they are- are not healthy, stop feeding and strengthening what is unhealthy.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by anita.
    #365727
    jennifer
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    Recently I have been going through the same thing as well. Recently it all started when I was watching lesbian porn, I suddenly started questioning my sexuality. When I started questioning myself my heart dropped and I started to feel really really anxious. The anxious feeling hasn’t left my brain ever since, every second of my day I question myself and get very anxious and stressed over this. It’s gotten to the point where I cry and cry<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>because of this and begged to god to get rid of this anxious and stressful thought. It has caused me so much anxiety and I’m crying as I’m writing this because I just want this feeling gone. It’s such a horrible feeling and I want everything to go back to normal when everything was good and I was so happy. I googled my symptoms and saw the word intrusive thoughts and that’s what this honestly feels like to me. This feels like an intrusive thought and I just want it to go away. I’m currently in a relationship with a guy and everything is going so great between us, sex is good, we love each other very much and I genuinely think this guy is my soulmate. He just makes me so happy and I never want to loose him. I talked to him about me questioning myself and he tried helping me and calming me down and it does work a little but I always go back to questioning myself and feeling anxious, and every time I imagine a cute couple situation I imagine a woman instead of my boyfriend and it makes me so anxious. I also looked back on my past crushes and I’ve literally only had crushes on men, not a single woman. Even my cartoon/celebrity crushes were men. I even mentally dated Joshua Dun from twenty one pilots for a couple of months because I was just really obsessed with him (i know it’s weird but i just wanted to share that lolol) From what I could remember, I had a small crush on this on trans person before (ftm) but I always saw them as a guy since they were trans, I did sometimes fantasize us having sex (without the pp) so does that mean anything?? That was also an online thing so I never counted that as anything but, I never felt anything towards another girl before, I had girls who were trying to hit on me asking me if I was gay, and I always said that I am straight. A lot of people assumed that I was gay as well and it always seemed to tick me off and make me kinda upset. In middle school I always hanged with the weird emo kids (I was emo) and they all talked about them being gay, trans and bisexuality and I would always sit there and just listen to them since I was the only straight emo, and still not once did I question my sexuality I even went to pride and didn’t even question myself. Since I’m having these thoughts every time I go out and ask myself if I am attracted to that girl? Would I do things to her? And it brings me back to me being anxious. I have been trying not to read forums about this to not make the anxiety feeling worse but I eventually gave in and read some. I looked at many reddit posts about girls being lesbians in denial, asking why do I feel anxious when I question my sexuality, what were little signs that made people realize that they were bisexual, how old were they when people realized they were bisexual. I read many forums about bisexuality and reading them made my anxiety go through the roof. I got so scared and started shaking. Many people said that they knew they were bisexual, how some people didn’t know they were bisexual until they were 20, how they were in denial about their sexuality, how they thought they were passing/intrusive thoughts but realized that they were bisexual and it just made everything way worse for me. I started thinking to myself “oh god what if I am like that” or “what if I turn like that” and started feeling so scared and anxious that I started to cry. This feeling feels so awful to me and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want this feeling to go away and never come back again. I want to be happy again and stop feeling so fucking anxious all the time. I hate feeling this way and I just really desperately want this to go away. I got so desperate for advice or help that I even talked to my own mom and sister about this. I want help but since I’m a person of color, my family doesn’t believe in therapy so I don’t think I can go to therapy even if I ask. Please help me, i don’t know what to do anymore and just want to stop feeling this way. My brain keeps making me think that I’m gay. Someone please just help me I’m so desperate for help or some advice.

    • This reply was modified 1 year ago by tinybuddha.
    #365742
    anita
    Participant

    Dear jeniffer:

    Here is my advice, input and a question:

    1) No more watching any kind of porn (“Recently it all started when I was watching lesbian porn”).

    2) No longer googling and reading online about anything sexual, including sexual orientation (“I looked at many reddit posts about girls being lesbians in denial.. I read many forums about bisexuality and reading them made my anxiety go through the roof”).

    3) You wrote that your family may not help you see a therapist, but they may agree that you see a medical doctor regarding your anxiety (which is the driving force behind your obsession with sexual orientation).

    4) “I’m currently in a relationship with a guy and everything is going so great between us.. He just makes me so happy and I never want to lose him”- it is possible that before your obsession with sexual orientation, you were anxious about losing your boyfriend, and that anxiety started this current obsession.

    5) “I want everything to go back to normal when everything was good and I was so happy… I want this feeling to go away and never come back again”- before this obsession, I imagine that you were very happy at times, being in love with the guy in your life. But if you look back to the time before your current obsession, do you see that you were not always happy, or calm, that you were anxious about other things?

    anita

    #376828
    fg
    Participant

    Hello.

    I do not know if this forum is still active but if it is, I really need some form of help or relief.

    Like the starter of this post, I suddenly started to question my sexuality out of nowhere in an 8 month relationship with the most amazing guy ever. We had a rocky start at first but everything came to be after he started to contact me again. We were doing amazing and we still are. In the beginning I started to question myself because since I was about 12, I always watched lesbian porn a lot, and occasionally some straight porn as well but it’s always been lesbian. Even though I did that, I never wanted to be with a woman. For me, woman are for friendship, each other and just being there as a friend. I never viewed them as wanting to get into a relationship with them.

    It was a Thursday and I made a very important comment to my boyfriend that I never told anyone in my life, I was watching old musics videos and Katy Perry popped out which a memory came back to me that I questioned mu sexuality before, but it was due to the videos at such a young age and why I got aroused so it made me confused but I knew I liked guys and the thought went away. After I told him that, I forgot about it but then Friday came and I didn’t sleep well at all so I stayed up after my boyfriend left to work and I began to look at instagram. Like Anja, I sometimes like to compare myself to these women and also say that “Wow my boyfriend properly will think she’s hot too.” And when I went and began to look at the pictures, I think it was some sort of relief for me to show myself I didn’t like woman, my breast tingled and so did down there. I would like to also say that I was on the birth control ring and my breast were already getting sensitive but my brain took it as “So you DO probably like girls.” In which then my head began to think that but I pushed it away completely. Then Saturday came and I was feeling weird, I made the connection that it was probably the Ring spiking up my Anxiety. (I always want to say that I have been diagnosed with Anxiety and Minor Depression). When I went into work, that’s when my brain started to torment me saying that “I probably didn’t love my bf anymore” or that “Maybe I do like girls now.” It made me feel so sad and when I came home I think I was having an Anxiety attack and I couldn’t breath. After that day on, my mind will just cycle with the same thing over and over again, going online for relief of signs that I do not like girls, not eating etc. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I support anyone that is LGBT, but it’s just not for me at all. I just want these thoughts to go away so I can be happy again and a normal person enjoying her relationship because I do not want to lose my boyfriend.

    Any Advice please?

    #376837
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fg:

    You shared that (1) you were diagnosed with anxiety, (2) you are tormented by questioning whether you love your boyfriend or not (“my brain started to torment me saying that ‘I probably didn’t love my bf anymore'”), (3) you are tormented by questioning your sexual orientation (“my brain started to torment me saying that.. Maybe I do like girls now”-

    – such tormenting thoughts, if repetitive, are very common in the minds of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) sufferers, so much so that two acronyms were created so to name these two groups of obsessions: ROCD, standing for Relationship OCD regarding (2), and HOCD, standing for Homosexual OCD regarding (3).

    Anxiety fuels OCD. Did you ever suspect that you suffer from OCD?

    anita

    #376840
    fg
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    I do think I had ever thought about suffering from OCD. At the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, there might have been a sign of it because when he gave me his location, I would always check his location to make sure he wasn’t anywhere else and that what he told me in the text was true, for example, if he were at a family’s friend house, I would check every hour or so to make sure that he was there. I do not know what else to do, I check the HCOD forums, and one of the signs that stood out was when I would look at customers that are girls to see if I felt anything for them when I have never even done that in my life. Before that, I was having a stressful week, I had a biology exam that I needed to do, and I was scared of not passing it cause I did not do so well in the first one. I had family problems too, plus having to make these notes for my dad and him calling me every 2 seconds to make sure that they were done or if I finished them, and I don’t know if my brain just picked that thought to start being anxious again. Apart from that, I began to make scenarios in my head that when I saw my boyfriend again, I wouldn’t feel anything at all; I repeated that a lot in my head, and I felt like crying when I wouldn’t feel anything. I want to be back to normal again, lol.

    #376842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fg:

    “I want to be back to normal”- meaning you want to feel okay, not anxious and not tormented by thoughts. When you feel stressed think to yourself: I need to calm down. Notice your breathing and slow it down, taking deeper breaths. If you are sitting down, get up and walk around a bit, or take a walk outside. Or listen to music.. or take a hot shower, or a cold one.

    Because your tormenting thoughts are in regard to sex, it is better than you do not watch porn videos (I think it’s better to not watch those in most cases), or look at/ read porn material. Better that you don’t visit the HROCD forums, and if possible, better that you don’t give in to the compulsion/ urge to check if you are aroused by this or that.

    Also, try to understand, best you can, that thoughts are not dangerous. You can try it and see for yourself. I will do the exercise myself- I am intentionally thinking: I am dying and I will be dead in a minute. Now I wait… a minute passed and I am not dead. The thought did not come true. Now I am thinking: I am a lesbian. Wait.. no, I am not. Whatever thought crosses your mind, by itself, it has no power. No reason to be afraid of something that has no power. Do you want to try this exercise yourself?

    anita

    #376843
    fg
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    I have tried to; I read that some told herself, “Well, if I have lesbian-tendencies, I am at least bisexual since I have always wanted men sexually. So if that’s the case, then I choose to be with my man.” I tried it, it worked well, but then the thoughts came back AGAIN; I noticed it was because I told one of my very close friends about my situation. I mentioned to her that I did not want anyone to know cause she was out with her boyfriend at the time, and when she did not respond, I concluded that she told her boyfriend > he’s going to tell his friend > everyone I know from school will know (we have mutual friends in command). I went back to the cycle again and again and again. I have also gone back to the thought that since I couldn’t correctly c*m at certain times with my boyfriend, maybe I am, but I noticed it was because I watched those videos too much and because I was also anxious about him not liking it.  I have been driving my family crazy for the past week. When I help myself against those thoughts, it’s like my brain is telling me that it’s a sign that I probably am gay and like girls and also making me forcefully like them? Like what. When I looked back and noticed that I have never liked them in my life, sure, I use to think that they were pretty and stuff, but as I said, I wanted to BE them, not be with them. Sorry for the trouble, haha!

    #376844
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fg:

    I told you that thoughts by themselves don’t have any power, but if you told your friend about your thoughts- you gave her the power to tell yet other people about your thoughts. If you don’t want other people to  know what your thoughts are- don’t tell anyone. (You can tell about them here, anonymously).

    Regarding being aroused by lesbian porn or what not- this is not proof of a sexual orientation because people, particularly young people, teenage boys/ young men in particular, get aroused by almost anything. An apple can arouse a boy, for whatever reason. That doesn’t make him sexually oriented toward apples!

    anita

     

    #376854
    fg
    Participant

    Hi, Anita,

    This will be the last question, haha, because I do not want to keep cycling on with the thought. Do you think that this is a form of protecting myself in the relationship? I didn’t have any form of love growing up from my parents until I was about a bit older, and then I started to get close to both of them, and I sometimes felt empty when I was younger, I would worry that I would die or that someone will come in a rob the house or something. I think I have also had anxiety because when I also saw a movie called Splice, I felt like the creature was going to come up to me at night and eat me, so I didn’t even sleep at all.  As Anja said, I felt unfortunate when a guy wouldn’t like me at all. Before us getting together, my boyfriend and I had a rocky start where he left me. So when we got back together, I was doing well at first, but then the thoughts will come, “He’s going to leave me, he probably likes another girl, maybe he doesn’t love me, and I’m the only one in love.” We have been together for more than eight months, so I do not understand why I’m thinking about that? I shouldn’t have read stuff about people coming out because that’s making me think that I will be like that in the future; my brain has me thinking that I probably will fall in love with a girl midway into our relationship when that has never happen to me before, lol. Thank you so much for your help! Stay Safe.

    #376859
    anita
    Participant

    Dear fg:

    You are welcome and thank you for wishing me to stay safe. I wish the same for you. Yes, I do think that the obsessive thoughts doubting your sexual orientation and doubting your love for him is a form of protecting yourself in the relationship, just like you said yourself, protecting yourself from feeling pain if he ends the relationship because he may like another girl, or for any other reason.

    anita

    #377363
    Blayz
    Participant

    These feelings started when I took a high dose of mushrooms after a bad break up and I freaked out. Ever since then I am constantly fighting about my sexuality. I have always been straight. Always. And with these “gay thoughts” I can’t act or do anything normally without overthinking. It’s gotten to the point where I even question myself when I look at a female. Even tho I know my first thought was “ oh dang” or “ she’s beautiful”. I can’t think right anymore. And I have panic attacks and wanting to die ever since these thoughts. Please let me know if you can help

    #377381
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Blayz:

    I hope your distress gets resolved, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?

    Did you read the three pages of this thread, and if you did: did you learn anything from what you read, including from the posts I submitted here?

    anita

    #382720
    JW
    Participant

    Can someone who commented on this forum previously tell me how they’re feeling now and how long it’s taken for these thoughts to go? As since last month I’ve been getting these and they all started while I was smoking a lot of weed and have since quit and while the thoughts are improving they are still there

    #382724
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JW:

    “how long it’s taken for these thoughts to go?”- it depends. I had trouble letting particular thoughts go because I thought obsessively (I was diagnosed with OCD). If you would like to share more about yourself, about anything that is relevant to the thoughts you wish to be gone, please do, and I will reply further.

    anita

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