July 6, 2020 at 5:13 pm #360849StefanParticipant
I am going through something similar. I started getting these thoughts all of the sudden. I still feel same about women. I really want to have future with woman and have childern one day. I sometimes wake up in fear because of this. I can’t function normally. I get stressed too much because of this that i started to ignore my male friends. Idea of dating males just doesn’t sit well with me. I am sed to see a psychiatrist out of fear that i will be diagnosed as gay. I fear that this might be HOCD but as i said i am scared of diagnosis. These thoughts came to me when i came back to my home town. I am visiting my aunt and uncle right now. My aunt helped me through this and at one moment i even questioned that i might be in love with her. Point is, my brain is acting weird lately. It causes me panic attacks, fear and sadness. If anyone might have an advice it could really help me. I am not acting as myself anymore… All i feel is fear and sadness lately. Thank you for reading and sorry for my bad english, it is not my native language. Again thank you in advance.July 7, 2020 at 11:58 am #360946
* Dear Stefan:
You are clearly suffering from elevated anxiety. Best that you seek professional help, a medical doctor or another health care professional as soon as possible. Otherwise, having a daily routine of exercise, including a 30 min- an hour of aerobic exercise such as brisk walking, as well as listening to guided meditations with the theme of mindfulness, such that you can download online, can help to lower your anxiety.
anitaJuly 7, 2020 at 2:29 pm #360967StefanParticipant
I am sorry for not being clear enough. As i said my english is poor. I more show show symptoms of HOCD than anxiety. Slowly this whole thing is stopping with me as i did research on how to handle OCD. It is making less and less impact on my daily routine. I did things that made me happy and eventually started forgeting about it. But it still comes up randomly and causes distress and anxiety. I think that i might just have been very paranoid. Still thank you for caring cuz this could have turned out really bad. I will post post if i come to similar issue. Thank you for helping and sorry for taking your time!July 7, 2020 at 4:20 pm #360972
You are welcome, and no need to apologize.
“I more show symptoms of HOCD than anxiety”- anxiety fuels OCD. Anxiety (ongoing fear) is underneath the symptoms of OCD, as well as the symptoms of many mental disorders and physical diseases. Anytime you would like to start your own thread, please do. And don’t worry about your English, do your best to make yourself clear, and so will I.
anitaJuly 27, 2020 at 6:07 am #362838MiaParticipant
Just found out about this website (?) while Googling to find someone who I could relate to, and I’ve found it here, which has helped calm me down a bit. I thought I’d give it a try and share my troubles as well.
(Disclaimer: English is not my mothertongue so I’m sorry in advance if something is unclear.)
I am struggling with intrusive thoughts related to my sexuality, even though I have a boyfriend who I really care about and feel attracted and connected to.
To be honest, it has a backstory, although it only started bothering me (again) a few weeks ago. Back in 2017, I questioned my sexuality for the first time, when someone told me that I should be with a girl, that I’d like it, and implied that I am someone who they could see being with a girl. I never thought about that before. I never felt attracted to women nor the desire to be with one romantically. But having that thrown to my face made me really nervous for the following month, which ended up taking me to the hospital with severe anxiety and a very fastened heartbeat (which wasn’t healthy at all). By the time, when I started questioning it, I’ve started questioning everything else as well, such as my future and what it holds for me – which I think is one of the biggest struggles one can endure, that is, living thinking about the future instead of focusing on the present. I was only 17. Eventually I’ve come to terms with myself: I am straight, I’ve always been straight and questioning my sexuality as a teen is a normal thing to go through. Because I spent too much time alone at home, I was met with those thoughts constantly and couldn’t distract myself. So part of the solution was to go out with my friends more often, and eventually school started again so it faded away (it was summer back then). I think those events scarred me, though, because since then, sometimes in the Summer, I have these days when I suddenly start thinking about it and take very long to let go of it. Maybe because it’s a time when I spend a lot of time alone, home, and browsing through social media, which bombards us with many things all the time. In 2018, I spent about one week questioning myself again: it eventually faded away; in 2019, I don’t remember questioning it. This year, though, it came back, very suddenly, and I feel ridiculous to have been triggered by it again and in the way I did. I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months now, and during quarentine (#covid19) I actually started questioning if I actually liked him and if we were right for each other or not. This too happened because one night I had a dream where I was romantically envolved with a boy I used to have a crush on two years ago. I thought that because of that maybe I didn’t like my actual boyfriend that much, and I even thought we should break up. Looking back (this was two to three months ago, I think), I see that I was very taken by anxiety and by questioning everything around me (not sexually, yet…). This is unrelated but needed for context: I am quite the hypochondriac and for months I’ve lived worried about some health issues I was dealing with, so I’ve been anxious about it until then. I think I couldn’t make a fair judgement of my relationship while I was feeling so anxious and repulsive (of people around me, because of the anxiety), and I’m glad I didn’t do anything because it turns out I’d have regretted it. (Quarentine seems to have brought us even closer.) Once my health issues and concerns were disgarded, as in, I made some health exams and it turns out I had nothing serious, it was time to stop being so anxious and enjoy Summer. But it took me just a few days to find another concern: the sexuality struggles. Now the timing of all of this was very confusing. I stopped taking my medication for neuropathic pain on a Tuesday (because I had no more pills), and in that evening I dealt with a strong headache, so I took a pain reliever for the headache and went to bed. I woke up at around 2 AM feeling nervous, but I don’t remember what I was dreaming about. I decided to watch some videos on YouTube and saw that one of my subscribed creators had uploaded a video, in which she ends up saying that she found out she was queer earlier this year and that she’d always lived with internalized homophobia and whatsoever. I don’t know why that made me feel so nervous and questioning, but that’s how the loop started again. I’ve watched videos of people coming out before and it didn’t trigger me. I don’t know if it was the whole scenario (waking up in the middle of the night already feeling anxious and then being exposed to something I’ve previously been nervous about?). I don’t know how I got there but since then I’ve been feeling anxious again, about this topic, and I’ve been trying to let it go – I’ve been distracting myself from those thoughts. Sometimes I fear I’ll never get rid of these thoughts or that I’m in denial, even though I’m pretty sure I know what I’m attracted to and never felt that way for something else. I try to reassure myself that I’m just nervous and think about this because I’ve never been very open to my sexuality, not in terms of my sexual orientation, but in terms of exploring myself sexually, so anything that can remotely make me aroused makes me feel nervous and my brain, remembering what happened in 2017, starts looping around that topic. What bothers me the most is that I spent months not questioning myself about this topic – though my brain was looping around thoughts related to my health and even my relationship (is he the one? should we break up?) -, and seeing homosexual related stuff didn’t bug me, as it doesn’t now because I’m pretty open-minded and supportive of the community. The thing is, after this thought loop started again, everything suddenly became too much, and I feel so bad because even seeing news about the LBGT community (usually they aren’t very positive, but even when they are) makes me nervous. I don’t want to feel that way both because I genuinely don’t think I belong to that community and because I feel like avoiding topics related to it is not accepting it and a form of homophobia which I don’t ever want to be perceived as. At the same time, when I’m faced with this I start thinking that this means I’m in denial and it’s internalized homophobia, a concept that pretty much contributes to this whole mess. Also, one thing that is bothering me is that I’ve read articles – I know I shouldn’t Google so much because it makes my anxiety and my thoughts worse – about people coming out, some of them in their 30s/40s, and I’m afraid I’m in denial and I’ll break my and everyone else involved’s heart if that happens to me in 10/20 years. I can’t imagine myself in that scenario, but when I think about it, I suffer and picture myself with a woman (usually of an unknown face since I never felt attracted to a woman especifically), and many people online say that if you can see yourself with a woman, you might be gay/bi, which just heightens the fear. Am I making up these images now because I’m nervous?
I don’t wanna diagnose myself online (lol) though I felt very understood when I read about sexual orientation OCD. I don’t know if you guys have any suggestions on how to overcome this? I just want to be able to enjoy every moment I spend in a romantic/sexual scenario without overthinking what I’m getting from it and if it’s real to me or not.July 27, 2020 at 8:09 am #362855
In the summer of 2017 you were a 17 year old girl. Another person introduced a thought to you: “I should be with a girl, that I’d like it.. I am someone who they could see being with a girl”. It was the first time that this particular thought occurred to you. This thought was accompanied with a heavy dose of anxiety: “really nervous for the following month, which ended up taking me to the hospital with severe anxiety and a very fastened heartbeat”.
But three years ago was not the first time that you suffered from thoughts that caused you anxiety: “I am quite the hypochondriac and for months I’ve lived worried about some health issues I was dealing with, so I’ve been anxious about it until then”.
Fast forward, the thought questioning your sexual orientation faded away after that summer when you went back to school and got busy. “I spent months not questioning myself about the topic- though my brain was looping around thoughts related to my health and even my relationship (is the one? should we break up?)”.
My input: what you are describing reads very much like OCD from which I suffered for many years. OCD is fueled by anxiety, and the thoughts aka obsessions carry the anxiety around and around in your brain, maintaining the anxiety. If you think of anxiety as fire, the obsessions are like wood that keeps the fire going.
A person suffering from OCD doesn’t suffer from just one obsession throughout life, all the time: the sufferer gets breaks, times of peace of mind, and the obsessions change in content (health->sexual orientation->do I love my boyfriend?-> etc.) and in intensity, waxing and waning. What is persistent with the experience of OCD is that if it is not one obsession, then it is another.
The Compulsive part of OCD stands for the compulsive acts that you do with the hope of feeling better: “I decided to watch some videos on YouTube… I know I shouldn’t Google so much.. about people coming out..”. Carrying out OCD compulsions never, ever resolve the anxiety. The compulsions relieve anxiety very temporarily but the anxiety returns just like before and stronger… demanding another relief, another compulsion.
Back to the image of anxiety being fire, and obsessions being wood keeping the fire going, compulsions are like throwing a spoonful of cold water into the fire, just a tiny bit of the fire is extinguished in a very small area, but the flames quickly take over.
One compulsion OCD sufferers perform, particularly the HOCD and ROCD crowd, is posting on public forums such as this, asking anyone who reads: am I gay or straight?/ do I love my boyfriend or not, etc.
A caring reader who answers these questions: no, you are not gay (HOCD); yes you love your boyfriend (ROCD)- at best, makes the suffer feel better for a very short time. Following that very short time, from a minute to an hour or so, the sufferer then asks again: am I gay or straight?/ do I love my boyfriend-same questions, again, and again… and yet again.
Did you see a medical professional regarding the possibility that you indeed suffer from OCD, or was that suggestion/ diagnosis already made?
anitaJuly 31, 2020 at 6:55 am #363314jackyParticipant
Hello i’ve also been feeling this way
No matter what I do I’m always reminded about how I’m questioning my sexuality, it really sucks and I just want this anxious feeling in me to go away, I started feeling this way since July 27. Im in a really good relationship with a boy (For 9 months) things have been amazing with him and I’m sexually active with him. I started questioning my sexuality while watching lesbian porn, lesbian porn turns me on a lot and it made me realize that it turns me on more than having sex with my own boyfriend. It made me feel very guilty about it. I’ve always watched lesbian porn but why am I barely questioning my sexuality now? Even when I was with my boyfriend I still watched lesbian porn but never questioned it until now. I love my boyfriend so much, and the thought of me leaving him makes me so sad and anxious and want to cry. I even told myself that I’m just bisexual or bicurious and accepted myself but for some reason this anxious feeling is still in here. I try to distract myself from this feeling but it always somehow comes back. I am afraid to go to sleep because I know I’ll go back to thinking about it, i really just want this feeling to go away because it’s destroying me. I can’t sleep, eat, do anything without being reminded of it, like I literally never questioned my sexuality up until now, but why now? I know I’m not full lesbian because I still feel attracted, and very much in love with my boyfriend and Can really only imagine myself with a man, if I imagine myself with a women i get kinda uncomfortable. I’ve always been attracted to men and felt sexually attracted to them, even a girl asked me if I was gay and I got uncomfortable and said no. I told my sister and my best friend about it and they just told me that it’s okay and I’ll be fine and I even told my boyfriend about this and he was very accepting of it. I prayed for this feeling to go away and I just really want it gone. I am so exhausted from feeling anxious I really want it to go away. I can’t get any medical help or take therapy because I’m still a teenager and don’t have any money, I don’t want to tell my parents because I know that they will brush it off and tell me to not worry about it, they wouldn’t really care. Any help or tips on how to get over this without therapy/medical help? I just really want this feeling to go away heheJuly 31, 2020 at 7:22 am #363343
“I’m in a really good relationship with a boy (for 9 months) things have been amazing with him and I’m sexually active with him… I still feel attracted, and very much in love with my boyfriend.. I’ve always been attracted to men and felt sexually attracted to them”, “I love my boyfriend so much, and the thought of leaving him makes me so sad and anxious”-
– try to follow my logic: let’s say you are bi-sexual, let’s assume it, why would that be the cause of you leaving your boyfriend?
A bisexual person who is in a committed relationship with one person (of any gender), has to give up having sex with other people, of both genders, no difference from a straight person in a committed relationship having to give up sex with other people of the opposite sex. Makes sense?
August 1, 2020 at 6:09 am #363382veronkaParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by anita.
Hi, I feel the same. I am 16 years old girl and I have never had a boyfriend. Many of my friends started dating this summer, but I’m still alone. I have never loved someone, even if I had many crushes on boys. But in the past, when a boy I liked showed interest in me, I found that I didn’t want a relationship with him. All this gave me doubts about my orientation. Why am I not in love with any boy? Why did I always avoid dating? In May of this year, a boy told me that he likes me, but I refused him. I liked him, but I didn’t wanna be in a relationship with him. This also raised doubts for me. I experienced my first kiss with this boy, we were kissing for the first time for two hours. Then we kissed twice more. It was great (but I did not have a butterflies in stomach), I would do it again if I could, even if I don’t love him. There is a lot of chemistry between us, I feel like I am attracted to him, but just sexually. But why can’t I love him? Is it because I am gay?
For the first time, I had doubts about my orientation at the age of fourteen after watching Bohemian Rhapsody. I was afraid that just like Freddie didn’t know he was gay, I didn’t know either. For a few weeks, I felt anxious and stressed, constantly googling the signs, watching the coming out videos, but then somehow my thoughts settled, I don’t even know how.
Some time before, I had to see a psychologist for fear of illnesses such as cancer and googling symptoms.
This year, however, doubts about my orientation have returned. They showed up at my beginning in July. I found something about HOCD that calmed me down for a while, ’cause I had most of the same symptoms as other patients. And so began days full of googleing the stories of people with HOCD and the symptoms, because it calmed me down in part. But now it can’t calm me down either. Actually, what I experience no longer feels like HOCD. On the street, I still notice the girls and observing if I like them and if I can imagine dating them. I never liked any girl, any girl never attracted me sexually. Like I said, I always had many crushes on boys. I am very shy and introverted, so it always has been hard for me to talk with boys. I’m afraid I’ll never have a boyfriend and I’ll never fall in love with any boy because I’m a lesbian. The first thought I have in the morning after waking up in my head is “I’m a lesbian.” It’s terrible. I have no appetite, my chest hurts. My mom often asks me if I have a boyfriend and if I like someone, and that stresses me even more.
Years ago, when I was maybe 12, I had a dream about having sex with my friends (girls). I can remember, that I liked that dream. I’ve also been watching lesbian porn lately to see if I’m aroused, and I was. But in real life, I have never wanted to have sex with my friends or some random girls. I love talking about boys with my best friends. When I was 4 years old, I had a “boyfriend”, when I was 6 years old, I had a “boyfriend”, at the age of 8 I experienced the first children’s kiss with a boy, which I also liked. Despite all this, I can’t get rid of the idea that I’ve been lying to myself all my life and that I’ve suppressed lesbian feelings. I want to go to school because I think that when I will be with my classmates, my thoughts will not be so intense.
It’s like I don’t know myself anymore. I read on the internet that if someone has doubts about their sexual orientation, then it is not straight. Is this true? I want to be straight, I want to have a boyfriend, husband… I envy people who never had doubts about their orientation and always knew they were straight. I want to have a broken heart, I want to fall in love with boy who wouldn’t love me back, just to be certain that I am not gay. I’m very afraid I’ll never be able to fall in love with any boy. I really want to 🙁
What do you think about my situation? Am I lesbian in denial? Do I have HOCD? Is it just a phase? Will I be ever without these thoughts happy with some boyfriend?
I am sorry for my English, but I’m not from an English-speaking country and I had to use a translator a lot. I would be really happy if someone wrote me their opinion. Thanks 🙂August 1, 2020 at 9:26 am #363459
“Am I lesbian in denial? Do I have HOCD?”- that’s the question the HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) crowd asks over and over.. and over and over.. and over and over… and again, and is never satisfied with answers.
A question is satisfied with an answer; an obsession is never satisfied with an answer, not with a million answers.
The major part of HOCD is not the H, but the O: Obsession.
Here is what I suggest to you:
1) Do not participate in HOCD forums. Reading other people’s posts in those forums, asking questions and reading answers is increasing your OCD. The participation in those forums is the C part of your OCD: it is a Compulsion. Performing compulsions energize, fuel and maintain OCD.
2) Do not watch lesbian porn- watching porn is another Compulsion that is energizing, fueling and maintaining your OCD.
3) See a medical doctor and ask to be evaluated regarding your anxiety and what seems like OCD. There are medications and psychotherapy treatments for OCD.
anitaAugust 5, 2020 at 6:04 am #363828
im going through a similar problem. Basically it started 4 months ago. I was talking about my sister about sexuality ( i was then 100% sure that im straight) and she asked if i was bi and i said i wasn’t and she said if i was it would be weird and she wouldn’t like it (something like that). After the conversation I couldn’t sleep that night cause i was questioning myself “what if im bi or gay” and i started crying and i didn’t know what to do so i called my brother to sleep in my room because i couldn’t calm down. And from that day on i just felt sad and i would cry every time when i would think about my sexuality. I stopped hanging out with my friends and i don’t go out with them anymore because when come back home i question if i have a crush on one of my friends (girls) and i would cry about it. I talked to people about it and everyone said that questioning your sexuality is normal and that there is nothing wrong whit being gay, bi… and i know that. I always supported the lgbt+ community and i never judged anyone cause of their sexual orientation but when i question my sexuality i always cry. This might be confusing, but i don’t even know my feelings. I don’t know if im attracted to girls or even guys i just don’t know what feelings are anymore. I still don’t feel the same towards the same sex like i feel towards the opposite (i think), every time when i would think about being with girls my chest feels tight my heart starts beating and my stomach feels weird, which mostly leads to me crying after, but when i think about guys i feel calm and easier. But i don’t know if that feeling towards girls means that i like them too or that i have some type of an anxiety attack. I just don’t know why i can’t stop thinking about my sexuality after the talk with my sister because i remember before that i would talk to my friend who is a girl about her crush on a girl from our class and if i would question myself about my sexuality then i would always know that im straight and that i never had crush on the same sex. So i don’t know why my talk with my sister triggered all of this thoughts, it might be because we are in a lockdown cause of covid-19 and i have a lot of free time to think about everything, i dn’t know.
Im just really confused and i feel awful because i don’t know if im not straight or if im just overthinking it. Before when all of this started i have had a lot of problems with stress, overthinking and analyzing every detail in my life and it would usually lead to me crying, snapping and insulting myself or other people. Maybe all of this is because of my overthinking or it just might be that im actually bi.
I thought about going to therapy but i can’t go alone cause im a minor. I don’t feel like myself anymore and i had messed up dark thoughts but i don’t know if i need a therapist or all of this will just go away. I want to tell my mom about what has been going on because i feel like she can help me but if i tell her about my problems with questioning my sexuality she would probably be mad. She is really religious and she never really excepted the lgbt+ community so i don’t know if that is a good idea. I want everything to be like it was before all of this but i know if that can’t happen because life isn’t easy and we have to go through every thing no matter how messed up all of this is, but i just want my life back
I want to apologize if something here isn’t grammatically correct, english is not my first language. And i want to apologize if i offended anybody with my words. It was never my intention to hurt somebody by this.August 5, 2020 at 10:20 am #363902
“I talked to people about it and everyone said that questioning your sexuality is normal”-
My input: what you describe here, similar to what other members in this thread described, is not a matter of normal questioning of one’s sexuality, it is a matter of obsessing, or as you wrote “overthinking”. Obsessing/ overthinking is a result of heightened anxiety. You wrote that before your current overthinking regarding your sexual orientation, you “had a lot of problems with stress, overthinking and analyzing every detail in my life”- that’s evidence of your anxiety prior to the current obsession, an obsession that is fueled by that anxiety.
If you want to, you can read my July 27 post above, on this page, and let me know what you think.
anitaAugust 7, 2020 at 3:16 pm #364093
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you so much for answering my question. Do you have any advice for me on how to deal with all of this, it would be really helpful. Is there any way to resolve all of this without professional help or not, because if i do need a professional that would be a really complicated situation.</p>
Thank you in advance.August 7, 2020 at 3:27 pm #364095
You are welcome. You asked if I have “any advice for you on how to deal with all of this”- I will be glad to give you all the advice I can come up with. To start with, read all my posts on this two-page thread and let me know what you think about the input/ advice I already gave other members, and how it can apply to you.
anitaAugust 19, 2020 at 5:58 pm #365160
Im sorry that i didn’t respond sooner to your post. I didn’t have a lot of free time.
I read your answers on this two-page threat and advice that you give to other people are really helpful. I read a lot of articles about HOCD which were really informative and i saw that i have most of the symptoms.
But there is still a big part of me who is struggling with all of this. It is not like it was before, I don’t cry or feel like I did, but i still feel scared and sad when i start thinking about it. For an example, I don’t watch videos where girls are in ( it sound weird) because the first thing that i think about is :” Am i attracted to them?”,” Do i like them?” and then i feel sad and kinda anxious. Another example, few days ago my sister asked me if i wanted to go out with her and her friend. I immediately started to think:” What if i see a girl and i feel attracted to her”. These similar question i ask myself everyday “Do i look or seem like im gay?”, I even try to read books to see if im aroused… I usually try to distract myself by watching things that make me feel happy but even that can’t help me. I started to go out with my friends and that keeps my mind away from all of this but sometimes would still think if im gay. I especially do that when i come back home and i analyze everything. I have read that its best to stop avoiding the situation and face to the problem but i just can’t do it, Im terrified.
I don’t know if im bothering you because i already asked you three times for your help on this website. It just that i don’t know who should i ask for help.
Thank you again in advance.