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Suddenly questioning my sexuality..?

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 112 total)
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  • #382725
    JW
    Participant

    I started smoking weed a year ago and became a heavy user 6 months ago and for 5 months I used weed as a way of enjoying life and so I did nothing apart from smoke with friends and chill as there’s not much to do in the era of covid and and then fast forward to a month ago the last few times I would get high I would have sudden thoughts pop into my head about being gay although I’ve been straight my whole life and never doubted it for a second but since a month ago June 3rd to be exact I have been obsessing with the fact that I might be gay even though deep down inside I’m not as I’m still very much attracted to women, this has gotten better over the course of the month as I’ve spoken to people close to me about it, some of them experiencing similar thoughts as they quit weed due to becoming anxious from misusing it. This forum has helped as I’ve related to a lot of the stories that I’m reading and I’m starting to think it could be because I tend to watch a lot of porn as well. I stopped watching porn a week ago and have seen improvements but the thoughts are still present in my head and I can’t seem to fully rid them. I’ve also been very lonely the past year and I think that has deteriorated my mental health as I’ve been feeling very down at times .

     

    im sorry if a lot of this is in bad english I’m just in a very anxious state at the moment and can’t seem to explain any clearer.

    I see a lot of similarities with HOCD but I can’t diagnose myself through google. At the moment I still have the thoughts however I’m just ignoring them as Logically to me they don’t make sense especially since I don’t feel an attraction to men but the thoughts still bother me on a daily basis and I will probably obsess over it a few times a day and I’d like to go back to how it was before where I never had these thoughts as they hinder my ability to go on with my daily life as normal, as I occasionally have anxiety attacks where I start pacing around my room obsessing over the thought of being gay.

    im sorry again if it’s hard to interpret what’s written

     

    #382727
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JW:

    Anxiety and obsessive thinking are closely related, one fuels the other. It looks like a combination of (1) heavily smoking weed for about five months, and (2) not having much to do/ no distractions and lack of socialization because of Covid-19, and (3) watching a lot of porn, all led to your obsessive thinking about being gay.

    It seems to me that you need to (1) stop using weed, (2) continue to no longer watch porn, (3) lower your anxiety by having a daily routine of exercise, integrating perhaps daily guided meditations, mindfulness practices and other healthy or non-harmful relaxing practices, as well as socializing with people, (4) try to understand that thoughts by themselves have no power, and are not dangerous. The thought: “I am gay” does not make you gay- it is just a thought, a temporary mental event, and nothing more.

    Let me know what you think of what I wrote here and if you want to, we can talk further.

    anita

     

    #382730
    JW
    Participant

    Thank you very much, the one other thing I wanted to know is how long obsessive thoughts stay for? And if they ever completely fade away?

    #382732
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JW:

    The short answer: in my case, obsessive thoughts that I had- completely faded away. I suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) ever since my first decade of life. I no longer do.

    The long answer and more (you are welcome to read it or not): every day, many,  many thoughts appear and disappear in our human brains. But when we think about something that scares us (be it global warming that currently scares me, or the possibility of being gay that currently scares you), the fear that is attached to the thought gives it the fuel that makes it possible for the thought to keep running and circulating in our brains, much like gasoline in a car’s gasoline tank gives the car the fuel to keep traveling and circulating the highways.

    How can you stop  being afraid of a thought then? For me: I know that there is nothing of significance that I can do about global warming because I am not in a position of power. What is the point of thinking about it then, what good does it do? Nothing. So, I drop the thought. I will think about it again later, and again, I will say to myself: I am still not in a position of power, nothing I can do, and drop it again.

    Let’s see how this may be applicable to you: if there is a gay-you underneath the person you thought you were, then there is nothing you can do about it. If there is nothing you can do about it, what is the point in thinking about it?

    Also, what is the real danger for you (and for other people) in possibility of you being gay? Spell out the danger, what is it? And how does it compare to the ongoing danger danger of the world becoming too hot to live?

    (1) Define the specific danger you are afraid of, (2) Think: can I do anything about it? (3) You are focusing on the sexual  orientation of one person as The Danger, but see the Bigger Picture: what is the real danger or dangers that you can do something about today, and therefore, you should focus on right now?

    In my case, the real danger that I should focus on right now is losing my mental health by going crazy. If I go crazy, I will suffer today and I will make other people’s lives more difficult. So, that’s what I should focus on today: be mentally healthy, sane, and as calm and collected as I can possibly be.

    anita

    #382804
    JW
    Participant

    The danger for me is I don’t want to be gay as my whole life I’ve been straight I’ve never been attracted to a male and never once questioned myself.

    i don’t know how else to put it but the idea of being gay unsettles me and so I keep reading forums I try to figure myself out and I can’t, there are parts of the day where I feel normal and am very attracted to women and then others when I’m obsessing over the thought of being gay It feels like I’m no longer attracted to anything, I’ve always been an over thinker and now it’s really starting to get to me. If there’s any way you can help that’d be great

    #382807
    anita
    Participant

    Dear JW:

    “If there’s any way you can help that’s be great”- my suggestions: (1) Stop following the HOCD forums and other forums where you ask for members to reply to your questioning of your sexual orientation (“I keep reading forums to try to figure myself out and I can’t”), (2) Abstain from pornography, (3) seek psychotherapy if possible, (4) Plan and practice a daily routine that involves aerobic exercise and mindful guided meditations and practices (there are plenty of online resources, including in the home page of this website, as well as in books nd workbooks).

    It seems to me (an unprofessional) that you are currently suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder/ symptoms, which include obsessive thinking about your sexual orientation (the Obsessive part of OCD) and compulsions to discuss your questioning of your sexual orientation (the Compulsive part of your OCD). Obsessions are like itches that require to be scratched. When scratched, there is a temporary relief before it itches again, seeking to be scratched once again. Obsessions are not satisfied with answers.

    anita

    #384140
    Bianca
    Participant

    Hi.

    This feels really similar to what I have experienced. I have talked to my mom and best friend about this, but I am super confused. I had a dream that I was gay a month or two ago, and I can’t get it out of my head. I never thought I was gay, and I have only been attracted to men. I have read up on HOCD, and the symptoms match me, but then I am also worried that I am gay and I’m in denial because of internalized homophobia. Some people have thought I was gay, but this never really bothered me. I have thought girls were pretty, but I have never wanted to date them. I once googled a naked actress, but I was not attracted to her at all. I also have these things I call “mind movies” which are basically consistent scenarios. In one scenario I had an identical twin sister who was lesbian, but I was always straight. My mom says that I don’t have to figure anything out now, but the confusion and stress have made me cry myself to sleep multiple times. I also tried to tell myself that maybe I was lesbian or bi now, but that just made me more anxious and cry more. I have never been homophobic. In fact, that is why my “twin sister” was a lesbian. I was worried my mind was not including enough gay people. I am young and I have not started dating, so this could be why I am confused. But I am honestly really sad that I might have lost the possibility of a husband or boyfriend. In my “mind movies” I had this one dream guys and I loved him and the idea of him so much. I am really sad that have lost the possibility of dating someone like him. I have tried to replace my scenarios with a girl, but the thought does not make me happy. My mind keeps telling me to look at any girl’s boobs which makes me feel super uncomfortable. I don’t feel attracted to them. My mind also told me that I have had a crush on my friends and a girl who used to bully me, and this makes me more stressed and confused. I feel like if I was gay, I’d be ok with it. But I don’t feel like I am gay. I don’t watch porn, but I do read smut. Like I said my mind is telling I am attracted to literally every girl, and another part of my mind is telling me not to fall for it. I have had pretty bad intrusive thoughts before and I need help.

    #384152
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bianca:

    The problem is not your sexual orientation; the problem is your anxiety (and the obsessive thinking that goes with anxiety). If you think back, before you became anxious and obsessive about your sexual orientation- what were you anxious and obsessive about?

    * I will be back to the computer in a few hours

    anita

    #384183
    Bianca
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for responding. I was anxious about a lot. School, friendships, grades, family. I would not like to say what the other intrusive thoughts were though. Those were pretty personal.

     

    #384184
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bianca:

    You are welcome. It is okay to not share what you don’t feel comfortable sharing. I wouldn’t like you to share anything unless you feel comfortable sharing.

    Because you’ve been “anxious about a lot”- did you see a doctor or a therapist, maybe a school counselor, about your anxiety and intrusive thoughts?

    anita

    #384186
    Bianca
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My mom just got me my first therapy appointment. I don’t know how to explain it as I said, but I tried changing my mindset to I might be bi are lesbian now, but something in my mind tells me that does not feel right. You seem like a very good person. Thank you so much for helping me and taking the time to talk to me. I told my best friend and she wants to talk to me about it but I don’t really want to. I don’t know why but I feel more comfortable talking about it with people I’m not close to. I really appreciate it.

    #384191
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bianca:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words! Good to read that you will be having your first therapy session soon. I hope you that you will like the therapist. Otherwise, we can talk about the topic here. I am very familiar with the topic because I communicated with many members about it in various threads, plus I suffered from OCD for half of my life.

    Notice the HOCD you mentioned (“I have read up on HOCD, and the symptoms match me”) is a type of OCD. The therapist you will be seeing, or a medical doctor may consider this diagnosis for you, or not.

    You also mentioned intrusive thoughts. What I learned is that thoughts are intrusive (uncomfortable, distressing) only when a person is afraid of these thoughts. I learned to not be afraid of my thoughts and guess what… after half my life suffering from OCD, I no longer do!

    You are suffering because of thoughts about your sexual orientation. These thoughts are invisible, aren’t they, they only exist between your two ears. They are mental happenings, like many of the thousands of thoughts you have every day… and none of those thousands of thoughts is dangerous. Do you think that your thoughts about your sexual orientation are dangerous?

    anita

    #384202
    Bianca
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I don’t think these thoughts are dangerous. When I was younger, I’ve had trouble making friends and keeping them. But I’ve always had my mind to help me through it. I’d think of my future with my dream guy and how I wouldn’t always feel lonely. I’m more worried that I’ll never sort out these thoughts, and that will effect me in the future. These thoughts also pop up when I’m trying to think of better things so when I have problems in the real world, I feel trapped.

    #384204
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bianca:

    These thoughts also pop up when I’m trying to think of better things… I feel trapped“- I too felt trapped in my thoughts, and the good news: I no longer feel trapped in my thoughts. Imagine that one day, maybe soon, you too will no longer feel trapped.

    I remember when it occurred to me that what was scaring me was not an external situation, but the thought about an external situation. When I was not thinking/ imagining bad things happening- I didn’t feel scared. It was only when I was thinking that I was scared. So, it occurred to me that what I was scared of was  my thoughts and imaginings.

    I don’t know if I am explaining myself well enough.. it is difficult to explain. But I can keep trying to explain it better. Let’s keep talking, maybe with a little bit of time, we can better understand each other.

    Tell me about the time you had trouble making and keeping friends, how lonely you felt, and what were your thoughts about your dream guy (if you feel comfortable sharing, to the extent you are comfortable sharing)?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #384224
    Bianca
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I could not make friends as a kid very well, and I would usually sit alone at lunch. It came to the point where the pe teacher would come sit with me. A lot of my friend groups and friendships fell apart because I’d always start drama, even though it was not purposeful. A lot of my friends say they are depressed, and I don’t know how to help them. One time, I said you should think of happier things so you won’t be sad. Of course that was the wrong thing to say, and my best friend of four years said I was being toxic. That really hurt. People say I talk to much too. Even though everyone else could be talking, I was always the one shushed or told I’m being too loud. I had gone to therapy to help my talking and friendship making before, but apparently it did not work. My dream guy or dream life was my way of thinking of a future where I was better, and people would be nicer to me. I’d have a good group of friends and the perfect soulmate. Now, I feel like I can’t think of that perfect life anymore because these thoughts keep getting g in the way.

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