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jennifer

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    jennifer
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    Hello everyone,

    Recently I have been going through the same thing as well. Recently it all started when I was watching lesbian porn, I suddenly started questioning my sexuality. When I started questioning myself my heart dropped and I started to feel really really anxious. The anxious feeling hasn’t left my brain ever since, every second of my day I question myself and get very anxious and stressed over this. It’s gotten to the point where I cry and cry  because of this and begged to god to get rid of this anxious and stressful thought. It has caused me so much anxiety and I’m crying as I’m writing this because I just want this feeling gone. It’s such a horrible feeling and I want everything to go back to normal when everything was good and I was so happy. I googled my symptoms and saw the word intrusive thoughts and that’s what this honestly feels like to me. This feels like an intrusive thought and I just want it to go away. I’m currently in a relationship with a guy and everything is going so great between us, sex is good, we love each other very much and I genuinely think this guy is my soulmate. He just makes me so happy and I never want to loose him. I talked to him about me questioning myself and he tried helping me and calming me down and it does work a little but I always go back to questioning myself and feeling anxious, and every time I imagine a cute couple situation I imagine a woman instead of my boyfriend and it makes me so anxious. I also looked back on my past crushes and I’ve literally only had crushes on men, not a single woman. Even my cartoon/celebrity crushes were men. I even mentally dated Joshua Dun from twenty one pilots for a couple of months because I was just really obsessed with him (i know it’s weird but i just wanted to share that lolol) From what I could remember, I had a small crush on this on trans person before (ftm) but I always saw them as a guy since they were trans, I did sometimes fantasize us having sex (without the pp) so does that mean anything?? That was also an online thing so I never counted that as anything but, I never felt anything towards another girl before, I had girls who were trying to hit on me asking me if I was gay, and I always said that I am straight. A lot of people assumed that I was gay as well and it always seemed to tick me off and make me kinda upset. In middle school I always hanged with the weird emo kids (I was emo) and they all talked about them being gay, trans and bisexuality and I would always sit there and just listen to them since I was the only straight emo, and still not once did I question my sexuality I even went to pride and didn’t even question myself. Since I’m having these thoughts every time I go out and ask myself if I am attracted to that girl? Would I do things to her? And it brings me back to me being anxious. I have been trying not to read forums about this to not make the anxiety feeling worse but I eventually gave in and read some. I looked at many reddit posts about girls being lesbians in denial, asking why do I feel anxious when I question my sexuality, what were little signs that made people realize that they were bisexual, how old were they when people realized they were bisexual. I read many forums about bisexuality and reading them made my anxiety go through the roof. I got so scared and started shaking. Many people said that they knew they were bisexual, how some people didn’t know they were bisexual until they were 20, how they were in denial about their sexuality, how they thought they were passing/intrusive thoughts but realized that they were bisexual and it just made everything way worse for me. I started thinking to myself “oh god what if I am like that” or “what if I turn like that” and started feeling so scared and anxious that I started to cry. This feeling feels so awful to me and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want this feeling to go away and never come back again. I want to be happy again and stop feeling so fucking anxious all the time. I hate feeling this way and I just really desperately want this to go away. I got so desperate for advice or help that I even talked to my own mom and sister about this. I want help but since I’m a person of color, my family doesn’t believe in therapy so I don’t think I can go to therapy even if I ask. Please help me, i don’t know what to do anymore and just want to stop feeling this way. My brain keeps making me think that I’m gay. Someone please just help me I’m so desperate for help or some advice.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.
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