Dear Dandan,

I am sorry to hear things haven’t been better for you. I agree with anita that you feeling horrible about her leaving doesn’t mean that you would be able to be happy with her – because you yourself said that you are in the same mindset. And this mindset is that you, due to your internal struggles, aren’t able to be happy in a relationship. If I remember well, about a year ago you visited her in the town she lived, and you spent a few perfect days together, but after that, you ran away again.

When she was close, you couldn’t bear it, it was choking you. Since you are still in the same mindset, dealing with the same internal struggles, even if she appeared again in your life, it wouldn’t make you happy. It may for a few short days, but after that, it would be same old, same old. She recognized that, and after your last interaction, she decided to withdraw completely. To not initiate contact again, because it always ends the same – you rejecting her.

So please stop believing that her returning would make any significant difference.

I am still the same, in the same mindset, not being able to forget her. I was only running away from as it was heavy to handle, the emotion.

The problem is that until you handle your internal struggle, which causes you to experience another person’s love and care as heaviness – you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship.

I should have taken a stand at some time.

You couldn’t, because the internal pain isn’t letting you. You couldn’t go against your current reality, which is that you aren’t ready. And that’s only fair: to admit to yourself that at the moment, you aren’t ready. If you said yes and got married while this internal issue isn’t resolved, you would end up in a very unhappy marriage, possibly with children, and you feeling even worse for not being able to be a good father and husband. Think about that. By saying no you prevented an even bigger suffering.

I feel horrible. Couldn’t sleep at all last two days and been walking with anxiety for more than 20km a day. I am scared that i will go completely mad, or that my life is gone as i am not able to forget her still and couldn’t tolerate this pain.

You have suffered from anxiety for a long time, even before you met her. If she were to return, you would be anxious again, the heavy feeling would be there again. Please understand that. But this doesn’t mean that your life is ruined. Your life, with the capital L, hasn’t even begun! You can get better, you can heal those internal issues (including the heavy feeling you get in intimate relationships), you can also reduce your anxiety. Your life can be much better. But you need to decide you want to try.