Dear anita

Your analogy is a good one, but it doesn’t feel exactly like that and I want to emphasize that my parents aren’t bad people, but they grew up that way and didn’t know better how to educate me. It felt more like a constant pushing to reach high goals and ignore other needs in life like taking care of myself, socializing with people and other values in life than performance. I regret that I couldn’t learn in my young age social skills, self worth and build much earlier on friendships. I get very paralyzed when expectations seem not reachable to me or when people reject me. Then I do feel stuck and my thoughts are racing.

To see how others could jump let me question myself. The comparison with others make me feel lonely and worthless. It feels like I can never reach those high jumps like others did. I feel like I lost connection to society.

My parents know when I don’t feel good, but they don’t know how to help or talk to me. They feel overwhelmed every time when I get emotional so they let me be. Many times they just stand up and go because they can’t bear my emotions and my intense moaning. Now as an adult those intense moaning are not tolerable and I have to regulate my emotions. It got better but it is still very difficult to cope alone. They suffocate me.

I don’t think that my little sister copies the behaviour of my parents. It’s more a protecting mechanism. She doesn’t want to have any negativity in her life. I am somebody very negative and unbearable.

Sesha