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Life is just getting the best of me right now

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  • #394764
    Rosie
    Participant

    I feel like none of the areas of my life is going good right now. I have a good job, but I am really not happy. I know that I just need to be grateful for what I have, but I just feel so alone. After breaking off a 3 year relationship, I moved into an apartment by myself. For the past two years, I have been unsuccessful trying to date. Sometimes I feel like men are intimated because I have a career, though it’s not really something that I am deep down passionate about. I honestly would trade everything in to find a decent connection with someone. I am 26 years old and all I really want is to have a family, something that I never really felt like I had. I worked really hard to build this life, but I feel like I put my career in front of my own happiness and my relationships. Can anyone offer me some advice?

    #394767
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    I honestly would trade everything in to find a decent connection with someone. I am 26 years old and all I really want is to have a family, something that I never really felt like I had. I worked really hard to build this life, but I feel like I put my career in front of my own happiness and my relationships” –

    – it reads to me, that building a career was easy for you, in comparison to finding and developing a decent connection/ relationship, and that’s why you invested in your career so much. Your happiness is in having a decent connection with someone, but it’s been too difficult to find and build on such a connection (?)

    I have a career, though it’s not really something that I am deep down passionate about” – your lack of passion in regard to your career may be the reason why it’s been easier for you to develop your career than to developing a decent connection with someone: your feelings/ passion regarding the latter may be in your way.

    Can anyone offer me some advice?” – I will be glad to do my best to offer you advice, but I need to know if what I posted right above is true, or partly true.

    anita

    #394776
    Rosie
    Participant

    Anita, that pretty much sums it up.

    #394777
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    Elaborate, if you want.

    anita

    #394778
    Rosie
    Participant

    I am good with career matters and finances, because in those things you use your rational brain. If you work hard, you get results. The same isn’t always true in relationships. Sometimes you could give and do your best for someone, but you still may not get what you want out of the relationship.

    #394779
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    I will be away from the computer for a few hours and be back to your thread later. About your fourth sentence, very profound: giving your best for someone not bringing the results you want.

    Often thought what we give, is not what they want from us, and what they want from us is not fair to us because we can’t give them what they want. Do you relate?

    anita

    #394780
    Rosie
    Participant

    Yes, I relate. I guess when two people want different things, it’s unfair for both involved.

    #394782
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    I am 26 years old and all I really want is to have a family, something that I never really felt like I had… when two people want different things, it’s unfair for both involved“, “Can anyone offer me some advice?” –

    – Most people date in a random kind of way, leaving a lot to… magic, or the lack of magic. I believe in going about dating in a scientific, methodical way. Think of dating as a series of interviews where you interview men for the position of your partner and the co-founder of the family you want to create.

    First, define what kind of family you want to create, be as specific as you can be. If you use a dating app, the first series of interviews is online. The men who survive the online interviews proceed to the in-person series of interviews, first in a coffee shop setting, or the like.

    What do you think about what I am suggesting here?

    anita

    #394804
    Rosie
    Participant

    Let’s just say that I already approach dating like this. I am looking for someone to be a life partner and the co-founder of my family. Most of the people that I meet do not make it past the first round. It’s hard for me to find someone that can hold an actual conversation with me, and most people are just looking for a quick fling. It’s disappointing to have empty connection after empty connection. It’s also disappointing when I find someone with potential and they don’t want the same things.

    #394815
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    I noticed that you are a woman of few words. Your posts are short, two of your replies are one-liners. You don’t elaborate or provide details. For example, in your original post, you wrote: “all I really want is to have a family, something that I never really felt like I had” –

    – this is a profound sentence and I wonder what you mean by never having had a family. Elaborating on this sentence can explain a lot of things.

    In your original post, you also mentioned a 3-year relationship, a live-in situation, but no details.

    It may be that you are cautious about sharing much on a public forum and it may be that you are too cautious in regard to conversations in real-life as well, including when dating, and that excessive cautiousness/ emotional inhibition in conversations hinders your search for a life partner and co-founder of your family.

    In your most recent post, you wrote: “It’s hard for me to find someone that can hold an actual conversation with me” – if you so choose, you are welcome to elaborate on the nature of your conversations with potential life- partners/ candidates for the position.

    anita

    #394847
    Rosie
    Participant

    When I was 7 years old my father passed away and my mother ended up sending me to boarding school when I was around 10. I lived at the school until I graduated with a home filled with about 12 other girls and 2 employees who acted as our parents. I got was in a different home for elementary school, middle school, and high school. I never really felt like I had any real stability in my life. The good thing about going to boarding school was that I got a scholarship and I got to go to college. College was a pretty difficult time in my life because I did not have a good support system. I had to get a part time job in order to pay for books and so on. I always did whatever I had to do to succeed, whether that meant walking miles to work or hitching a ride to work with a stranger. It does take me a really long time to open up to people, I’m not exactly sure why that is, but it may have something to do with losing my father at a young age. After college, I moved in with a guy I was dating and his family. They were nice people, but sadly I never felt accepted by them. I think that they judged me by my upbringing and I often felt like I wasn’t good enough for their family even though I graduated from college, I got a full time job, and I genuinely cared about creating a future with their son.

    #394854
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    I am touched that you opened up in your recent post, elaborating, offering details about your life. It makes me feel honored that you did. I want to reread your post attentively and reply further when I am rested tomorrow morning, which is in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #394891
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    Think, if you will, of a tree with three areas: roots, a trunk and branches, and please have patience as I try to build an imagery:

    I have a good job… I have a career… I am good with career matters and finances, because in those things you use your rational brain” – think of your job & career as your roots, and of your finances as your trunk. Your job, career and finances make it possible for you to buy what you need so to be physically…  and rationally alive, similar to the roots of a tree making it possible for the tree to get nutrients and water from the ground and the trunk making it possible for the tree to stand upright.

    But I am really not happy…  I just feel so alone” – you have strong roots and a trunk, but only a few, weak branches, and so, you cannot reach the sun with leaves that will capture much sunlight. You have few flowers, and so, you cannot connect much with bees and get pollinated, and you have even fewer fruits, so your seeds cannot be spread far, and the tree does not multiply.

    I honestly would trade everything in to find a decent connection with someone… all I really want is to have a family” – you need branches, leaves, flowers and fruits so to connect with sunlight, bees and birds.

    When I was 7 years old my father passed away and my mother ended up sending me to boarding school when I was around 10” – away from your father, and away from a loving parent for so very long,  many of your young branches fell off, and so did your leaves… and Fall lasted too long.

    “I always did whatever I had to do to succeed, whether that meant walking miles to work or hitching a ride to work with a stranger” – you strengthened your roots and trunk, but branches were few and weak.

    It does take me a really long time to open up to people, I’m not exactly sure why that is” – to open up to people/ to connect with the sun, bees and birds with only a few branches/leaves/ flowers/ fruits takes a long, long time.

    It may have something to do with losing my father at a young age” – your father did not send you to boarding school, your mother did. She betrayed your trust, didn’t she? Your father is your last memory of a person you could trust (is he?)

    After college, I moved in with a guy I was dating and his family. They were nice people, but sadly I never felt accepted by them. I think that they judged me by my upbringing and I often felt like I wasn’t good enough for their family even though I graduated from college” – the emotional pain of having been sent away to boarding school, feeling so alone for too long, that pain does not go away in adulthood.

    Back to the tree imagery, it’s like you don’t trust the sun, the bees or the birds. You are suspicious of them and cautious…so, you live closed-in inside your strong but dark trunk… too afraid to open up and venture out to the sun and bees and birds (?)

    anita

    #394893
    Rosie
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Your analogy resonated with me. I want to be open to all the good things that life has to offer, but I am not sure how to let it in. I am willing to work on myself, if that’s what it takes. I’m just not sure where to start. I’ve heard that your childhood impacts the rest of your life and that in order to grow from it you need to reprogram your mind – by listening to affirmations and thinking positive thoughts. I have incorporated those things into my life, but nevertheless, I am still struggling to make and maintain relationships. I do have one close friend that I went to boarding school with. I also have 2 siblings that were in boarding school with me. They are also struggling. When we were younger, we thought that our family was poor – which was one the reasons why we were sent away. As a child I remember promising to myself that I would do everything in my power to be a good provider for my future children, so that they would not have a similar experience. That is one reason why I put so much effort into my career. I don’t feel like I can really trust anyone, because even if someone decides to stick around they can die.

    #394904
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rosie:

    I’ve heard that your childhood impacts the rest of your life and that in order to grow from it you need to reprogram your mind – by listening to affirmations and thinking positive thoughts” – said better, if I may, it’s about thinking thoughts that are true to reality (with an added tinge of a positive attitude).

    I am still struggling to make and maintain relationships… I don’t feel like I can really trust anyone, because even if someone decides to stick around they can die” – it is scary, I know, the last part. But there is such a thing as deserved trust, that is, there are people who proved over a long time that they deserve to be trusted.

    Trust and maintaining quality relationships go hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other.

    As a child I remember promising to myself that I would do everything in my power to be a good provider for my future children, so that they would not have a similar experience” – the child that made this promise is a good child, a child with a heart as beautiful as (going back to my imagery) the most beautiful flower imaginable on a tree!

    That is one reason why I put so much effort into my career” – you are a hard worker, willing and able to put a lot of effort into making life better for your future children… and for yourself (?)

    I am willing to work on myself, if that’s what it takes. I’m just not sure where to start“- I did years of working on myself. Maybe I can help you start. If you want, we can keep communicating for as long as you find it useful.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)

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