Dear Laelithia:

I couldn’t believe my eyes earlier today when I saw that you posted. I wanted to take the time before reading most of your new post, so to re-read and study your last post of March 10, 2021 (1 year and 12 days before your most recent) and my series of posts to you in March 2021. I did that and then read all of your recent post. It took me a few hours before starting to type this reply.

First, congratulations for a beautiful, sweet, intelligent baby girl, and for being the loving, caring and dedicated mother that you are!

I will not repeat most of what I wrote to you in the March 2021 series of posts, there is no need to do that because the posts are right above.

I’ll get right to the most important part of your recent post: “I will keep trying to make the best of my situation for her, I will do whatever it takes” – let’s talk about what is right for your baby and what it takes. Clearly to me, what’s right for her is to have a caretaker (or caretakers) who is as healthy and as happy as possible, lovingly attentive to her.

Let’s look at one of her caretakers: “He lost his job in May of last year…. B was offered a job via email, and he immediately declined it, claiming it wasn’t a fit as his resume demanded higher pay… without running it past me….in the summer while I was still pregnant, he was offered a decent job in the city I wanted to move to. He declined the position as he believed it was lower than what he should be paid” – reads like he is content to stay home while you financially supported by you, content living in a home purchased by your parents, free from financial obligations. I don’t see him being motivated to find a job and bring money in. Your role as the sole breadwinner is very stressful for you, but fine and dandy with him.

Your experience living with him after he lost his job and since he moved in with you:  “stressful… extremely unhappy… I think my resentment towards him… became too much… the stress wore on me, and I developed a serious medical condition in pregnancy called pre-eclampsia… I worked literally until I had to go into surgery to have an emergency c-section once my blood pressure was too high and I was at risk of stroke… I had no excitement at the idea of moving into a larger space with B…  I feel this idyllic dreamlife I have tried to create with this situation has become a nightmare” –

– having him live with you has been good for him and bad for your health, a dream come true for him, a nightmare for you. He is happy, you are extremely unhappy (“I unsurprisingly felt extremely unhappy… B was quite happy with this, but I was not…I feel like I am now moving into a home that I don’t particularly love, yet B does“).

Your relationship and living arrangement with B = a Win- Lose situation: Win for him, Lose for you. The more the situation continues, the sicker you are likely to get while… he is quite happy.

Back to my first quote in this post: “I will keep trying to make the best of my situation for her, I will do whatever it takes” – as I see it, if this relationship and living situation continue, your health is likely to continue to suffer, and sicker than now, the only caretaker available to your daughter would be B and/ or your parents.

If you become too sick, mentally and physically, to financially provide for B and for your daughter, I am guessing that your parents will pick up the slack? It seems to me that he will be content with that.

What is better for your daughter then: to have a healthier you as her primary caretaker or to have B/ your parents as her primary caretakers while you are sick?

“I have not told most friends and family how I really feel about B… The last year has been the most difficult I have ever been through, and I found myself retreating socially to hide my unhappiness in my relationship… to hide my embarrassment and sadness. I think I did this from this forum, as well… But today, I find myself wanting support again, wanting to continue to try to be hopeful in some way, I believe I owe that to my daughter” –

– Welcome back to your thread, good to have you back here! For your health, it’s good for you to connect to supportive people and I would like to think of me as one, so please, don’t hide your unhappiness in the relationship, your embarrassment and sadness, not anymore. Express it here and I will respond to you with kindness and patience. Even though I don’t know your daughter personally, I owe it to her- to emotionally support her mother with kindness and patience!

anita