Hi Bee

Personally, I don’t think your ex handled the relationship well at all. From what you said they sounded intensely critical of your mental health issues as a result of your abuse. Did you confide that you had experiences of abuse?

I had a variety of similar issues when I was younger and not once did my partners criticise me so. People were understanding and compassionate and instead of treating me with distain when I was upset. They comforted me and heard me out. They understood that what I was feeling was not because of them, it was because of abuse. They were able to communicate in healthy ways their needs without attempting to blame things on me.

If anyone used my mental health issues that developed because of abuse against me I would have been very hurt.

I disagree that what they said wasn’t intentional. It seems like they are very good at explaining away any wrongdoing on their part while at the same time turning around and blaming you.

When someone doesn’t admit any faults or wrongdoing in a relationship and consistently blames someone else. They are avoiding responsibility for their own actions.

There are lots of troubling things that your ex said but specifically focusing on the conversation that is the focus of this thread.

“They told me they thought about breaking up with me” Threatening to leave someone is abusive.

“They told me they were surprised I was receptive” That is negging you and implies that you’re not reasonable or abusive.

“I think them telling me it had felt bad for them for so long without telling me was the most hurtful part.”

“I asked them why they didn’t tell me right away and they said they ‘told me as soon as they knew how they felt’.”

People don’t feel bad for so long then suddenly realise how they felt. It’s one or the other. Either he felt that way for a long time and chose to say nothing. Or he started to feel bad about the behaviour more recently. It comes across to me as him denying his responsibility to tell you as soon as he is aware of those feelings.

The exchange perfectly summarises the theme in the relationship where he acts poorly blaming you, then denies his own responsibility for his actions. I’m guessing that a lot of his inappropriate remarks and behaviour were unchallenged because you were consistently made to feel at fault. This was not, responsibly telling a partner when challenging feelings arise “I feel pressured or upset when I refuse intimacy you shut down.” Instead he threatened you, implied that you were abusive, guilted you and denied his responsibility to discuss issues when they arise.

I’m not suggesting that you bear no responsibility in the relationship. I’m pointing out that your anxiety wasn’t the only problem with the relationship. As Anita said learning to manage your emotions in relationships and in general is really important.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.