Dear Aphroitte:

“At the end of the day I feel happier than I was before… When my head is cold I resolve some things and I know that I can’t be the only one to blame” –  he is to blame for guilt-tripping you (exaggerating,  misrepresenting and/ or making up things that you are allegedly guilty of). When a person repeatedly guilt-trips you, you can’t become perfect enough to make him/ her stop guilt-tripping you. Your only way to no longer be guilt-tripped is to not be in contact with the source of the guilt-tripping.

“In all of my relationships, all the types I take the blame for everything and I need to STOP… I know that in my childhood I was always the one to be blamed for bad moods in our home” – you were blamed/ guilt-tripped as a child, and you naturally proceeded to blame/ guilt-trip yourself. Parents are so powerful in a child’s life, that their mental representatives are formed into our brains as children, and those reps continue to tell us what the parents told us.

“I need to STOP” – you can use the NSR strategy: when you Notice self-blame/ guilt-tripping thoughts and the distress that accompany such thoughts, Stop the thoughts and Redirect your thoughts and attention to something else. What that something else might be, we can talk about it if you want.

“I wanted to be accepted as the way I was… and my parents weren’t embracing that, they were pushing me to be something I wasn’t. And that ALSO was not my fault” – it was not your fault  that they did not accept you or embrace you the way you were.

“I learned from this is that people always want to be dominant and right so if someone confront them they will distance themself… And I always blamed myself when a relationship didn’t work (with my ex)” –

– if any (or both) of your parents were (unreasonably) dominant and right, and distanced themselves from you when you asserted yourself, then you are likely to be drawn to men who are also dominant and right and who follow your assertion with distance because they remind you of your parent and motivate you to try to.. change your parents by proxy (the man being a substitute to your parent).

Be aware of this human inclination to be drawn to/ to be attracted to romantic interests who resemble our parents, driven by the motivation to resolve our issues with our parents retroactively and through a substitute (all such efforts are futile).

“In conclusion, it’s going to be a long trip to release that blame on myself but I will work through it and to acknowledge it like a grown up person so I won’t have problems in the future” – excellent intent and attitude, I am impressed!

anita