Hi Anita and Tee,

I came back two days ago from my trip, it was really lovely and it felt so nice to be outside of my big town with my friends! We had an amazing time and ever since I am floating on a big chill summer cloud haha. I hope you had a nice week-end too wherever you are!

Before responding more in details to the both of you, I’d like to share some parts of the last messages I sent to him before blocking him from everywhere. I don’t think I was venting out, as I told him, the purpose of these messages was to simply clear out the situation and to be completely honest towards myself and him in a first place, never ever I wanted to make him change his minds and to create a rebound situation. Although, now when I read back, I realize that some parts of them were led by me being annoyed and extremely sad, hence I wasn’t as chill I hoped I would be. But eh, who could blame me to be emotive when the guy I used to have strong feelings finally admitted that he was dating someone else two weeks after breaking up with me out of fear?

Tee, you wrote to me:

As for him not being polite, not even greeting you but just staring at you, maybe he cannot or doesn’t want to pretend that he is fine, when he is not. If I understood well, your communication stopped completely when you wrote him a long message spilling out everything you had (I assume your outrage and disbelief about his actions), and then blocking him on social media. He probably didn’t take that well, even if what you said was mostly true. I imagine there is a mix of feelings in him: anger at you, a sense of embarrassment at himself, perhaps even hatred and disappointment in himself, combined with resentment towards you, perhaps also a sense that life in unfair etc etc…

There could be a storm of conflicting emotions inside of him, perhaps he isn’t even aware of all of them, and this makes him kind of stuck, like a deer in the headlights – frozen and unable to respond. If this is true – if he is an emotional mess right now and doesn’t know what to think or feel, it would explain why he can’t even utter a word to you. Or he might be resenting you for the things you’ve said – things that in fact might be true, but he doesn’t want to admit them. And so he “punishes” you with his silence.

“You always felt that you had to over-compensate with me, that you weren’t good enough, I know everything you did in order to please me, I also noticed every times you felt that you weren’t enough. On one hand, I am really flattered that you had such a high opinion of me. But also, I am really sad that you couldn’t see how much you brought to me, how much I just needed you in my life because for what you genuinely are. I don’t know what happened exactly in your mind back in the days (and again, it is what it is now). But I refuse to believe that you didn’t feel this flow and connexion between us. Because it was as obvious as the nose in the middle of the face. As hard as it is to believe, I promise you, I am not mad at you anymore. Really. My feelings for you came from those times together, talking to you, spending all this time together, gradually and then it became very intense. I am sad that it has to go that way between you and me. But you also really have to understand that when I think that actions don’t match words, I need to clear out the situation. What I saw, was us always in a way, ending up around each other. We both know that I was always the one coming to you ever since november/december. We both agreed that it would be better for each other to keep our distances. Yet, before one of your event, when we accidentally bumped into each other on a Wednesday, I quote unquote yourself « I was kinda hoping that you would talk to me ». I thought I was really ready to see and talk to you as if nothing happened, so here I was.

But then, I realized that I was still looking for you, I still wanted to be around you. It was not the smartest choice but it was the one which felt right. « I was avoiding you » you said earlier. No, let’s be real, none of us were avoiding the other. We both know how we are when we REALLY want to avoid someone. And, how can you feel that it would not bring any good to answer a simple supportive message yet thinking that staying around each other in real life was less dangerous? Why did you not push me away out of respect for her, as you told me, you did with her when we were together (IRL and not by messages obviously, at this point we didn’t talk anymore by messages)? Nothing happened back in the days with her, but me and you, that’s a different issue. And my issue with you is that none of us succeed to stay away from the other every time we had the opportunity for. It was NOT ok for us to do so (…)

So to be clear, I was mad at you because I never understood how one could jeopardize something which makes them feel genuinely happy. I was mad at you because I could sens your fears deep in my bones and that because it was YOUR fight, I didn’t have any right to say anything if you didn’t want to talk about it first. But never ever, I was mad at you for the way you are, I accepted you as the whole package. My sadness was about what I lost, you and these times together. I could sens you but well, i’m very communicative so I guess I just wanted for you to confirm what I already knew. I wanted to be with you, my feelings for you, it all comes from because you opened up about yourself, not only the brightest side of your personality but also your past, your scars, not because of the nice social picture you give to the crowd.

I told you, clearing out my minds from parasite thoughts is my way to get out from toxic behaviors and useless overthinking. You don’t owe me anything, this is your life and I am accepting that you didn’t want me to be part of it. I hope that someday, you will understand that being happy with someone and making this person happy, isn’t a proof of you being intoxicated by someone else’s feelings and emotions, but simply the mark of a deep emotional care. I will miss you, we were both chaotic, very dysfunctional but at the end, we managed to find our own form of happiness and it was really great. I sincerely wish you the best in your life.”

So I don’t know, to be fair, I feel like I was trying to make peace with myself and him through those messages. I mean, I wasn’t expecting anything in return: I blocked him right after sending it because I knew if I didn’t do it I would have been constantly sneaking in the conversation to see when he would has seen it and I knew if I had those kind of expectations, that would have been a very toxic behavior leading me to some very toxic patterns.

Now if I am being completely honest with myself, I have mixed feelings: I am disgusted to think of him dating the girl he told me to not worry about despite knowing that nothing happened when we were dating and understanding why he has been rebounding so fast. I am still a bit angry at him for breaking up while we were both so fine together. I also feel sorry for him because I am aware of his personal situation and I know it’s really bad which also kind of makes me angry at him, because he told me that he would rather stay alone as he wanted to before dating me because of this. Yet, he decided to date someone else two weeks after breaking up. And on the other hand, I can’t stress enough how I actually feel extremely lucky for not being part of this anymore. Apparently he hasn’t gotten out of his room for two/three days in a row now. Like, I will never wish him any bad, but I can’t stop myself to think that this girl he is dating and who has to support him and his mess, it could have been me and at some point I feel that it would have been so much worst than the situation I am now: grief is temporary and it will pass while getting dragged into his messy life, I really think would have hurt me so much more. Mostly when I think about my other ex who was depressive and to whom I stuck with out of duty and most likely out of emotional dependency. I got so damaged by this two years relations, I can’t afford to let someone else hurting me.