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Anna

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  • #387641
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi guys! I am sorry for replying with that much delay while you always take time to reply quickly.. I am taken in the middle of some exams lately and I had to start preparing a draft for a potential future master thesis, which is very challenging but also at the same time extremely interesting! On a very good note, I am selected as finalist for a scientific writing contest, which means that I will probably get another article officially published soon amongst the prices offered. I have the public presentation next week and if I am correct, some scientists former Oxford students will be there, I am really looking forwards to meeting and talking to them.

     

    I also got time to think about what you both wrote, me seeking for love and approval from one of my parents. I am only child, raised by a single mom. She is extremely perfectionist, never happy with what I did because it was never enough. I am from a wealthy environment. All my current successes, she sees that as a very easy thing, that everybody could do, which she doesn’t understand, yet she allows herself the right to dismiss it. Buuut, like I said, I went for two years in therapy. The relationship with my mother was the key-point. I was extremely lucky to get the therapist I got. If I took the path I am on nowadays, it is mostly thanks to her. I made peace, not with my mother, but with myself. I accepted the fact that, regardless what I do, with whom I choose to be with, where I am, she will always try to find something to criticize, because you know, she is kind of control-freak. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I am successful, feeling good in my skin, she can talk, I am not listening anymore. I don’t have time for it.

    I told her a few months ago that her insecurities weren’t mine, that I wasn’t responsible for the way she physically and mentally feel. If she thought she wasn’t good enough, well, it wasn’t my job to make her feel better. So in any way, she didn’t have the right to make me feel like a trash just because she felt like a trash.

     

    There is something else I was thinking. My mother never dated someone until I was 16, or at least, she never introduced nor talked about a potential partner she could have had. Because she didn’t want for me to see her with different partners in order for me, when I was a kid, not to have a biased vision of what relationships and love should be in when I grew up, a “healthy” vision of relationship let’s say. This is something I am really thankful honestly. She started dating my current step-father 10 years ago. She wanted to build the image of the possibility of a constant and strong relationship with someone. Obviously, there are many things which aren’t good in this relation but that’s another long debate, I am too old to be affected by it anymore anyway.

    When it comes to me, I really enjoy tending of the people I love, friends, family, lover. I do it naturally, there is no second-thoughts for every small attentions I can have towards someone. It is just what it is. So considering that I actually have a vision of long-term relationship brought by my mother, combined with this aspect of my personality, it may explain why I was like that with him. Because you know, when you truly love someone, you’re supposed to do whatever it takes to fix everything which could be fixed before throwing away, right? We can’t be at our ups all the time and if your feelings for the person are real and as strong as you say they are, then you will stay by your partner’s sides for the better and the worst. Well, at least this is how I consider things.

    Now when it comes to my feelings for him, all I stated before was true but it was 6/7 months ago. Everything is changing for those past months, I am more and more exhausted by his behavior. Maybe it’s just the end, I don’t know but for now I think I simply don’t have the time nor the energy to focus on it.

    #387482
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi guys!

    So, lately we had a serious talk together and we had a lot to figure out. I decided it was time for us to take a break, which actually may lead to a real breakup. I simply cannot stand anymore the fact that in august he told me that he was deeply in love with me, that he wanted for us to live together and then, literally two weeks later he told me that he felt unsure about his sexuality which lead us to where we are today. I didn’t force him to anything towards me, I have always been clear and honest about how I felt and what I wanted, always told him that if he didn’t feel the same, he had to tell it so I would not have to agonize and waiting for him to make his moves. Yet, when we talked last week, he told me once again he was truly in love with me but that he still didn’t know what he was. I became extremely fed up and I told him that I wanted to take a break if not breaking up definitely.

    I still have feelings for him of course, but just like I told him, he needed to figure this kind of thing by himself. I didn’t want to be dragged into his mess anymore. It’s just unfair for me, what if we stay together and 1 or 10 years later he tells me that he’s actually gay but didn’t want to let me go back in the days because he was still confused and had internalized homophobia towards himself? Him being gay or bi or straight isn’t the issue here, obviously. Him not knowing what he wants, what he is, here is the problem. He knows that I’m bisexual, experienced etc. It’s not a taboo and I always told him that if he wanted to talk about that, then it wasn’t a problem for me at all since I knew how it felt to keep inside how we deeply feel.

     

    At some point I kinda feel he always “needs” a reason to feel unhappy in his life. Back a few years ago, it was about him thinking I didn’t love him back. Now that he knows I do love and accept him for what and who he is, it just looks like he is moving his unhappiness somewhere else by questioning his sexuality and gender. I mean, you say to the person you love how you feel and good new it’s completely reciprocate. Which kind of person would literally start to overthink about sexuality and gender one/two weeks after confessing? He was the one who told me all of that in first. Also last year, he got into one of the most prestigious engineering program in the most prestigious engineering school in our country, which was his dream for many years and yet he dropped out because he had a few bad grades which would have led him to kinda re-do half of his first year. But I mean, it’s something very common in his program because of the school and teachers standards.

    My point here is, when he sees that he can reach and get what he wants, he always finds himself questioning what he has and the slightest issues will make him run away. Hence why I am really questioning about him being able to be happy. He just makes me feel that he “””””enjoys””””” indulging himself into this kind of constant mess, that he simply refuses what he already has while having wanted those things for so long.

     

    I feel like I am judging him extremely harsh when I write this kind of things, but.. It is how he makes me feel now after two years. I kinda feel bad to think of him this way, I don’t know if it’s my bitterness which talks. Frankly, I think he does many things to fix himself. I am aware of his depression, the side-effects and such. I know most part of this kind of behavior is due to his mental illness. But, it simply doesn’t make things easier when I find myself taken in the middle of all of what I stated above..

     

    When it comes to me, I went to therapy for two years prior dating him. ADHD and gifted child talking here. To be exact, my therapy actually ended up a few months after we started dating. Frankly I am feeling extremely good in my life for the past two years. I study abroad something I really enjoy, valedictorian, next summer I will go to Oxford for a research internship program, I have amazing friends, I am one of the board member of the main association in my university,  I live in a big flat for very cheap near to the city-center, the weather is awesome, I am learning my 6th language, I will soon publish my first official scientific article while I am still a bachelor student, I often go out, my teachers are adorables and I also got recently one of the cutest recommandation letter for my master applications, let’s not forget that I totally enjoy myself physically and mentally. So honestly, I came from a long way, but lately everything has been great for me, except him. So no, I really don’t think I am focusing on him instead of me for the wrong reasons. I think I just need to understand everything which surrounds me, this how my brain kind of works, life and people are constant enigmas which I low-key enjoy trying to solve just for my own sake since I am constantly easily bored? I know it may sounds like a brag at some point, but really, this is how I kinda work, honestly this is not peaceful at all for those around me, it’s amazing at work since I want to become a researcher, but on a personal level, it get a bit more problematic. I am aware that I hyper-focused on him for a longtime, but it got better for 7/8 months now though. I know my feelings for him weren’t created because of that, it wasn’t an obsession.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 10 hours ago by Anna.
    #387008
    Anna
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your answer. It makes a lot of sens actually. For a very longtime his mother thought he was gay and trans because he had a lot of feminine habits while he was argued with her about the fact that, no, even though he was very “feminine” in his behavior, it didn’t make him gay nor trans. When we started to date, I was the one talking with him for the very first time about the deconstruction of gender role in our modern society. Before, and I guess because of his very traditional family, he kind of hide himself, feeling ashamed because he liked feminine clothings and because he was/is extremely sensitive. If his depression is hitting hard right now, I guess all of what I just stated is a pretty big trigger for him? Is there a way for him to find himself except the use of anti-depressant or therapy? He is extremely down to earth, he isn’t a spiritual mind at all, very scientific. Also, it is becoming very hard for me to see him being under anti-depressant for so long and not seeing that many results on a mid/longterm basis.. I mean, 7 months seems to be a pretty long period, isn’t he supposed to see clear results by now?

    #387003
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita and TeaK,

    I would like to apologize for replying this late. I got caught in a lot of work and in addition we are going through a very hard and complicated situation with my boyfriend. However I would like to thank the both of you for replying and helping me.

    TeaK: he did  justify why he wanted to take a break, but he didn’t say clearly why, rather he said stuffs such as “no sorry I don’t think I feel comfortable enough with you anymore”, “no sorry I don’t think I am ready for anything serious right now” and it was only when I dug a bit that he said he was going through a tough period with his depression. In addition, he feels unworthy of being loved, unworthy of my love because I am successful and he is being afraid that I would realize that he wasn’t “worth it”.

    Anita: Thank you for your concerns. Regarding his treatments, it is kind of weird at some point for me. It’s been almost 7 months that he has been taking pills and yet he keeps having roller coasters many times. It’s like he couldn’t stabilize himself. One month he is feeling ok and two weeks later, he withdraws again..

    Anyways, after all this time, I finally found out that it’s also very anchored in him to withdraw when things start to get tough. He needs his alone time and tend to want to fix all by himself his issues. It’s not really healthy since he leaves me in the blue but well, I know he works on it.

     

    Also, we are going through another hard period like I said at the beginning. He has started to literally overthink about his sexuality. It came all of sudden. We were extremely fine together, talking about moving in together and one month ago approximately, I saw him starting feeling down and getting in another depressive phase. This is at that time that he has started to question himself and I really don’t understand. He has never manifested any signs of attraction to men. We talked many times about this since before him I dated a lot of women. We have always been extremely open about this and he knew he didn’t have to feel scared when it came to this matter. I read that depression affects everything and it may also re-question our deep-self including our gender identity and our sexuality. Could it be true? He is very feminine, but how he chooses to express his gender has nothing to see with his sexuality and he considers himself as a man.. I am very confused and I try to figure out if it’s his depression which talks of him trying to express his true-self?

    #378280
    Anna
    Participant

    Sorry for not being clear, it is currently pretty late where I live, I am getting a bit tired. What I wanted to ask were: 1) Why would he project his anger towards his mother on me? Would that mean that he sees me as a kind of partner/maternal figure rather than a partner/friend?

    I considered for a longtime giving up the relationship for my own sake. I am aware that it is not completely healthy for me to stay with someone who is unable to provide love and affection in a way I want to on a regular basis. But I also know how he is during his ups. He is amazing in so many ways, we have the same values, he is very kind and generous. Honestly, I couldn’t wish for a better partner when he is at his ups. The way I want to be loved and seen, he is like this. This is why I struggle so much. I know he loves me, I love him, he is worth the efforts. We once decided to take a break around December and it lasted one month, I felt like a complete wreck. I can’t imagine my life without him. And at the same time it is very hard, I don’t know how to cope with the situation anymore. Which is why I try to get a better understanding. I don’t understand what he wants now. He also told me that if the situation became too hard for me, he would understand that I would decide to leave. I am just so torn.

    #378266
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I see and indeed that actually makes sens. What I don’t understand then is that in this configuration he would actually see me as an equivalent of partner/maternal figure instead of a partner/friend? I know his mother, we don’t have much in common I think, would it be possible that in me he kind of seeks what lack in her?

    I went through depressive phases which led me to go to hospital due to suicide attempts, however I was not diagnosed MDD since it never lasted longer than 1 or 2 month and hasn’t occurred for the last 5 years. I know the big lines of depression, I know how it feels when it comes up. But I have no idea how on a longterm basis, people react, how they love.  I don’t want to justify all his behaviors such as ghosting me for days and weeks with the depression. I am at this point where it becomes hard for me to see the line, I try to understand better how a depressed person works.

    I know he’s battling hard to get better, he does his best and yet, I feel like I carry all the relationship by myself while I would need his love and support as well. I don’t know if somedays he gets better how long it will last. I want to build a future with him and I know he also does. I am extremely confused and sad, kinda angry as well and guilty for feeling angry.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by Anna.
    #378208
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your response. He has a kind of complicated relation with his parents. He is the older among the three children at home. His mother is quite strict, in the sens that she kind of pushes him to keep studying while he would have wanted to take a break from school because he knows he does not feel ok and he needs time to rest both mentally and physically. He has a good relation with his father, although it is not him who leads the family. Overall, I would say that his parents are pretty much understanding of his mental health and yet, his mother keeps pressuring him about school.

    The first time he withdrew from me was because three members of his family died in a row last year. We talked about what he wanted to do and how I could help him to deal with the situation. And the second time he withdrew from me was 7/8 months ago because he started to feel very down regarding his studies which were not going very well, we also talked about what we should do. Sometimes I feel like it’s more his personality rather than his mental health which makes him withdraw from everything. In the sens that every time things get a bit too intense, that he has to make efforts, it simply becomes too hard for him to deal with and therefore it is easier to stop and start something completely new, you know.

    I asked him two or three month ago if he wanted to continue the relationship or if he wanted to either break it up and take a break. He said he wanted to continue so did I. But now I simply don’t understand anymore I think. It makes me feel so unfair that he stops talking for days and sometimes for weeks without any reasons. He just comes back like if nothing happened. At first I tried to be understanding, yeah he is going through a lot, we already talked about the fact that sometimes we need time separately and such.  But the difference is that, we talked about it BEFORE it actually happens. I wanted to talk about that with him but again, I feel like he does not hear or listen to me. I am exhausted of the situation, I do have feelings for him and I don’t know how to reach him, I don’t know if talking about how I feel would change something right now and I simply don’t know if I can take it anymore.

    I don’t want to take decision about continuing the relationship with him or not now, we are both going through a lot of things, I just want to figure out, to understand and how to reach him out..

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