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Anna

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  • Anna
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    Hi Tee,

    I will read more in details but I would like to highlight just a point: we had a first 5h convo on the 8th of April, one week after the breakup because I thought he was cheating on me. Then we talked more about the reasons why he broke up. We both ended up crying him telling me he was scared to lose me becausz he was overthinking and me crying out of despairs lol

    The second 5h convo was on the 20thish of Parils and it was about the issues. So basically on the 8th I wasn’t questionning him about the reasons why he broke up nor pressured him but simply explanations if he indeed cheated or not

    I didn’t talk about how I interpreted his emotions and feelings with him. Actually every time we engaged into one of those convos about us, it was for me to set up boundaries. Cause as I told him multiple times, I trully wanted to respect his decisions and not overthinking about whatever. So if something felt off for me, I just needed to set up boundaries again. I don’t know if I’m more clear now..

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Tee, so:

    So he didn’t really withdraw/shut down from you, but only from social life? Am I understanding this right?

    His issues in April were about some stuffs with one of his associations, it dealt directly with some people I knew as well. Hence why he reached me out, we even once spent 5 (!!) hours talking about it. A few days after this convo, I was made aware he didn’t feel good, so I sent him a message to cheer him up, to which he told me a few weeks later that he didn’t answer because he felt that nothing good would come from answering it (???).

    But yes, basically he didn’t withdraw from me during that time but mostly from the rest except the people he was also trying to help obviously. Otherwise, he didn’t get out of his room and didn’t even shower (for the timeline, he was supposely be dating the other girl for somehow one or two weeks).

    Are you saying that those talks – in which you were trying to help him with your advice – made him shut down, even towards you? Or those talks made him shut down only towards the world?

    Those talks happened in May and it was actually when I tried to talk to him about the whole situation. The first time I asked him if we could discuss, it was very cordial, all I really wanted was to clear out the situation. He avoided me. And during the next days until I met him the week after, he wasn’t feeling good at all, my friend who lives in the same corridor as him saw him multiple times and he told her he wasn’t ok. I mean, I know he had other reasons to feel bad. But from that moment, he went from someone who seemed to be happy around me, to someone who kind of feared me, I don’t know. In addition, I will talk about it more in details in another post, I’m pretty sure I have a huge part of responsibility in him shutting down during May. Because he is the kind of person who projects a lot onto people and situations. The second time in May I tried to discuss with him As during the famous day I stormed in. After this, I know he completely shut down as well, my friend and him spent a lot of hours talking together during the week-end following this clash. My point here is that also during May I know at 100% he was shut down for at least 2 weeks and half. And when he shut down, he goes completely off from everyone and everything.

    Anna
    Participant

    And I don’t think he thought I would be made aware of all of this because he didn’t know his bestfriend and I were close friends lol

    Anna
    Participant

    I forgot to add, in May we were a LOT around each other, because of events and parties and every time we ended up together in a corner. When he reappeared in April that was basically when he was saying to his bestfriend that he still had strong doubts about me despite dating the other girl and blablabla. He reaffirmed his doubts in May when we were starting to talk again and finally in June after he realized I blocked him

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Thank you for your very long post. Once again I apologize for being so short in my answer right now, I am typying on my phone.

    Just to answer quickly; yes there was those physical touches again and when he disappeared that wasn’t to be with her but because he completely shut down because of some issues  which happened and because of some talks we had me and him.

    Then, about 2 weeks later, about the time he started seeing the other girl, you stopped seeing him around because he was spending most of the time in his room. I don’t know if you communicated via messages during that time?

    Yes we did, because that was at that time I was made aware of what happened in his life and that he reached me out to ask for my advices and such.

    But Tee, what do you think about him telling to his best friend during end of April/beginning of May/mid-end June (so multiple times) that he was unsure about the girl (+ my latest post), still held regrets about me? This is what kind of confused me tbh. Because I felt it would be either way biased for him since I said that I didn’t want t to go back with an ex and that we would have to say farewell in order to feel better

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Tee and Anita,

    I hope you’re doing good, I am kind of stuck in the middle of the English countryside and my Internet isn’t the best. I will respond later when I’ll get a better connexion but I’d like to respond to the last Tee’s post quickly: you are pointing out one of the main reasons why I was questioning so much this entire story. He dropped out in February from uni, so basically they barely had one month and half of courses together. I am not exaggerating if I say that in April and May, I am pretty sure I spent more time with him than her. Not only during public gatherings but also during private parties. He never came to any events with her, public or private. His friends never met her (while I know his best friends and even his childhood friends). So far his schedule can easily be tracked over the past few months: he was either with the associations he is a board member, with his friends (we have a lot in common, even when I wasn’t part of some parties or events, I saw him popping in my friends stories on social medias..) or simply at his place with some of my friends (who obviously told me they were with him without me asking, I don’t think they really understood that I didn’t want to deal with him anymore lol). So far it’s easy to understand that he didn’t spend that much time with her. And I can make a fairly guess that they just spent/spend the night together (and not that many at least in April and May). I know he shut down many times in April and May (didn’t get out of his room for two weeks until end of April, two weeks and half in May he did the same pretty much) and I am pretty sure he is also kind of shut down this week.

    When it comes to communications, I can also make a fairly guess that he doesn’t communicate much with her: again, they don’t seem to spend that much time physically together (after some reflexions based onto all the events we spent together and the events I know he was there but her, I am sure at 95% he sees/saw her once every week or two weeks most likely) and I saw that he is barely online on messenger for the past two weeks (messenger being his first and foremost way of communications with everyone, family included) meaning that he doesn’t bother opening and responding to his messages). Since I am sure they aren’t together physically, it reminds me something he told me: for him being emotiobally engaged with someone goes through COMMUNICATION and PHYSICAL MOMENTS. I quote unquote « spending time and regularily talking is for me how you know you are committed to someone (…) ».

    Which led me to think: if he can’t bother communicating regularily, if he spends more time with his friends (and me lol) than with her.. who was he really trying to fool? I had some theoried here. And if I am correct, then I really complain that poor girl. Because (and I emphasis that I am NOT comparing her to me) she is 20, she comes from a different town, she doesn’t have friends here, she doesn’t have romantic experiences, she is not popular among the masculine population. I remember once when they were supposed to be at the beginning of their relations, my friends told me that during an event she was looking all over the place to find him, yet she didn’t find him because he left the event without noticing her. He would have never done that with me, actually he would have waited for me to show up and to meet me before leaving.

    Also I think it speaks a lot when he said that he was willing to follow me in Asia while with her he couldn’t think of going through summer with her.

    I’ll keep writing later but I think you’ll see my points here already and why I was so mad and questioning so much everything

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    I am now on my way to Oxford, I am super excited to arrive on the campus!

    However, this doesn’t mean that he wanted to pursue you romantically.

    E-x-a-c-t-l-y. That was my point, me being supportive, me actively listening to him, as I told him, I didn’t get why he felt « threatened ». And this is what I told him, me being supportive and nice to him didn’t mean that I wanted more, cmon

    Even if this were true, it would only be a proof of his troubled mind, because he is certainly not showing any interest in you when you meet him in person.

    I agree here, I feel that it just shows how confused he is right now about his life in general and again, I can’t stress enough how glad I am to not be that girl with him in this situation. I mean, he is going to leave for Spain in litteraly 2 weeks and has no idea if he will come back before a long while here. If he can’t even say hi to me for whatever reasons, well it is what it is

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Thank you for your message. I will reply later more in details, I am now in London because I have to fix some stuffs for September. With the Brexit it’s getting quite complicated even for students on every levels.

    I don’t know when exactly he changed and became more distant, but it appears he stopped answering your messages at some point

    That’s the thing, I cut the tie but then he came back. He was seeking for my advices about some stuffs and we spent many hours talking. I mean, we may be apart but it didn’t mean that if he is in distress, I wouldn’t help him if I could, just like I would with everyone. And after, I sent him a message to cheer him because I was made aware he wasn’t feeling well. So obviously, looking at our last conversations, I wanted to check on him.

    He became more distant because he completely shut down for roughly two/three weeks (until begining of May somehow). He didn’t even get out of his room, didn’t showever and barely ate. Then when he felt better, he also started to come back around me, telling me that he wanted to spend time with me and such.

    You only misinterpreted the end and his behavior after the breakup. You wanted him so badly that you refused to see that he has actually moved on.

    Some parts I am sure I over-interpreted but it also what his best-friend told me very recently: (on Monday actually) him still holding strong regrets for me, not being sure about the situation with me and that girl. I don’t think I wrote about it in my recent posts, because I don’t want to care anymore.

    But on the other hand, I think you were hoping that he still wants to be with you, and so you wanted to stay close to him

    That’s the thing, I didn’t want to doubt about him and his decision, I wanted to accept it and therefore the only way to do so would have been to completely cut the ties with him. I knew if we stayed around each other, looking at my feelings, I was going to hold onto some hopes and I told him that. I told him that we should force ourselves to stay away from each other because it would have done any good to the two of us..

    Anna
    Participant

    but you’d like to be unforgettable, wouldn’t you? I wonder if there’s anyone in the world who prefers to be forgettable.

    Honestly? No, really. Ever since I was a kid, I have had to face racism and sexism. Despite being socially part of the elitist world, being raised by a single mom made people asking questions out of curiosity. But those questions were very intimates and I never liked when I got questionned. Hence why I spend a lot of time avoiding people who try to ask me too personal stuffs. On top of that, my neurodivergencies hit pretty hard during middle and high school, being ADHD/gifted child made me do really good stuffs and I won some awares. But on the other hand, it made me feel extremely unadequates socially speaking among my young peers and they felt it.

    So, to answer your question, no, I don’t want to be unforgettable, because I spent so many years dragging unwanted attention on me, people categorized me as special (in a good and bad way). When I was a kid and a teenager, I only dreamed of being normal, I only dreamed of a place where people wouldn’t look at me, where the spotlights were directed on everyone except me. Even now I wish my work would be indeed unforgettable, but I don’t want my face and my indentity to be associated.

    I don’t see as something necessarily flattering when an ex-boyfriend come back, because to start off, I feel like it kind of proves my points from back in the days (which I obviously like a lot lol). And I don’t know, again, the past belong to the past. I was always clear with each of them during the breakeup: I don’t believe in rebound, been there, done that. It has never worked. For le going back with an ex once you have understood his mindset and his pattern, is like refusing your personal growth to happen, getting stuck in the past or whatever.

    Mayyyybe it was indeed just a period of their life and now they are fixed, it could work better, I don’t know. As I said to the second ex’best friend, I know he is a genuine good person, although his life is such a mess that it makes him act in a way which makes him look like a trash (not only talking about me and him). Should we forgive someone we know is sincerely good on behalf of their life’s event? If you know that something very big is happening to them, is it really fair to ignore it and just categorize them as trash? It’s not about fixing them but rather understanding and accepting that life can be unfair and can turn a good person into an evil one for a while.

    I don’t know Anita, all I can be sure is that I don’t have this luxury to wait for anyone, my life is moving fast, at this point it’s either follow me or don’t. But I won’t wait for sure

    Anna
    Participant

    Haha!

    Well,  I think I am seeing now a pattern with my exes who are trying to come back: out of 4, 3 of them weren’t doing ok mentally and physically when we broke up. It was pretty tough for all of them. And every times they come back, turns out that their lives are better. I mean, I got that when we feel extremely down, we don’t want to be with someone because of a feeling shame, guilt or simply because we don’t have enough energy to share in a first place. But like.. my high school boyfriend is also trying to come back almost.. one decade later.. I am not saying that I am unforgettable, I genuinely think that we can replace everyone, starting by toxic individuals, and only the memories and the times spent together make people unique and unforgettable.

    I don’t know, I might talk a bit more about this later. It’s 1:10am now here. But I really don’t think that what I did and said to them wasn’t enough to make them wanting to come back so long after.. And cmon, all of them know they made me suffer. Out of decency, I would personally never try to come back with someone I know had suffered because of me.

    Honestly I don’t get why they all come back when they feel that their lives are better. Like rhe first ex I was talking in my other thread, he actually just sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go on a daytrip with him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that much engaged towards me than now.

    I now understand which kind of patterns all of those guys are taking, the last one included. And it says also a lot about me lol. But the most important is that I finally got it and – fingers crossed – maybe it also means that I will finally stop picking up guys who will follow this specific pattern.

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for this very long answer!

    I don’t know if I wrote it in this thread but.. the first ex-boyfriend is trying to come back now haha. I am going to talk about it now because you mentioned him in your last message. We have been talking for a few days now and he told me really great news for him: he managed to pass all his exams and in September he will be in second year of his data science engineering program, on top of that he will move out from his parent’s place. We also talked a little bit about his depression, he is feeling much better now. Aaaaaaand.. he actually asked me out. Which I obviously refused. I think it’s very interesting and kind of funny to see him coming back after pushing me away for so long and making me go through emotional roller coasters for two years. I was so sure that he broke up because he didn’t have feelings for me and that he didn’t feel good enough to be in relationship Anita, to be fair I was almost sure he was actually gay.

    Honestly, it feels kind of good to realize that me overthinking wasn’t that “much” overthinking and me imagining things which would please me more. I mean, I knew his depression was hitting really hard on him and it was affecting a lot his life, I didn’t know the extent of everything and I guess I will never. Anyway, the past is in the past. I am really glad that he feels better now and that he has finally a life he feels comfortable with.

     

    When it comes to the second guy, I don’t think I am that far from the “truth” with him either. I mean, obviously there is a lot of overthinking because of me not being able to control my emotions and feelings. Although now I am finally back at having a better control over my emotions. I also know that his neuro-divergency plays a huge part in his relations in general, I can’t dismiss it but I can’t use it as an excuse or a shield to explain everything obviously. He never named it and his best-friend was actually the first one officially telling me that he was autistic. However, he told me many times that his ND made his brain working much slower than average and that people needed to be extremely patient with him, time being his best ally. In addition, I know his life is extremely messy, he confessed to me a lot of things about it. I know it played a huge part. We both deflected our own fears onto each others, not the healthiest way to deal with relationships indeed.

    But I also think the line is extremely hard to find when it comes to dissociating ND behavior and regular behavior within romantic relationships, I got the proof with my first ex-boyfriend and I also got the proof with myself. Hence why when I am aware that the person in front of me is a ND and differently from me, I try to understand as much as possible.

    When the second boyfriend told you that he was not attracted to you romantically, you refused to believe him and researched romantic attraction online, posting your findings here on your thread, arguing that he was (!!!) romantically attracted to you. In your message to him, you wrote: “I refuse to believe that you didn’t feel this flow and connection between us. Because it was as obvious as the nose in the middle of the face“- you refused to accept rejection and argued that you were not rejected! You asked a few times regarding the men who rejected you: “what is wrong with him?“, “what is wrong with them?“, all to deflect from your feeling-inside that there is something wrong with you.

    Well, to be fair, I wouldn’t be questioning him not having romantic feelings if he hadn’t told me that he was scared for having lost me just because of his fears. Plus, a few weeks later he told me that he took decisions out of fears and was regretting them (we were talking about the two of us at that moment). And the main point of me questioning it, was obviously the reason he broke up: “I am happy with you, you are happy with me, we make each other happy, hence why I realized that I don’t think I could develop romantic feelings for you” ………. I would have accepted him not feeling attracted to me he had just said something like “yeah nah I just don’t feel like it” instead of this kind of argument. I mean, I can blame my first ex-boyfriend for everything I want but at least he was honest with me when he broke up: him not feeling ok, not feeling like it and not feeling “in love” with me or whatever he said, I don’t really remember.

    Point is, if you are genuinely happy with someone, if you genuinely appreciate being with this person and their personality, doing regular couple-thingy with this person, I am sorry Anita, but I really don’t see thousand of other explanations for a breakup in this context mostly after such a short amount of time spent together as a couple.

    The second ex-boyfriend at one point, told you that he did not want to talk with you about the past, and later, he did not speak to you at all, not even a “hi”. This is a clear post-break up rejection, yet you were not able to accept that he rejected you. You rationalize his rejections as non-rejections, as reaction not to you, but to his poor nutrition and poor mental health.

    Ok so for the context, when he broke up, he insisted a LOT to keep in touch with me, he even told me “I totally picture the two of us in a near future, catching up once our lives will be on track”. Which I said, no, there is no way, if I wanted to move on and heal, I couldn’t afford to stay around him, because I did this mistake in the past and it never ended well and that we needed to cut the ties completely. The two first weeks after the breakup he was always around me and if during our first 5h of conversation I didn’t insist of the two of us taking our distance for my own sake, he would have kept being around me. I am not twisting the situation at all, this is what happened for real. I was the one who insisted to keep our distances in a first place, he didn’t take it well at all. I was ready to make peace with him and to talk to him again on a regular and normal basis because I also though that throwing away the bond we used to have, would have been a waste. On the other hand, I think I was having a hard time to let him go, deep down I know we both just wanted to be around each other. The simple truth Anita, is that we weren’t and aren’t on the same page. I think at the end, it is just what it is.

    Now again, I am fully aware of his situation which I have to take into consideration in the equation; it would have been very easy for me to snap out the context around him and me and just take it as it would seem to be: me refusing his rejection because he didn’t feel whatever for me. That could have been the hard truth but with my first ex-boyfriend, now I am also learning that situations are more complicated than they are, time being indeed our best ally in every situations. I know that sometimes I took decisions which I wouldn’t if I had the opportunity to go back in time, just because I didn’t feel ok with myself, I know I hurt a lot of people because of my poor mental health in the past as well. And this is why I also try to understand people’s actions and behaviors, I don’t want to hold grudges or feel bad about myself or about someone else just because of unconscious fears from both sides.

    Obviously I don’t take well rejection, to a greater extent than average for sure. But the two of them aren’t my first relationships and it wasn’t the first times I got dumped. Twice before, exes broke up with me. It wasn’t hard at all because I knew we didn’t have chemistry and on a regular basis, we didn’t necessarily match each other’s energy. I can feel when something is off between me and someone, like when you just don’t match someone’s energy and personality. I wasn’t looking for excuses to justify them wanting to breakup with me because I accepted that our personalities didn’t work together, they found some parts of me annoying and I found some part of them annoying too.

    -this leads me think that the praising and the feeling of superiority for being a member of a social elite, these placed you on a higher elevation platform from which you fell each time you were criticized as a child (and each time you were later rejected in the romantic context). The falls therefore were longer and the crash at ground level was more painful than if you were not praised or thought of yourself as a social elite 

    You know what? I’ve started to realize that I was being part of a different side of the society when I actually started to date my first ex-boyfriend. My reality has always been this glamorous and elitist one, everything I’ve lived so far, was completely normal. I mean, I felt something was off with me of course, but I didn’t understand it until my universe clashed with his. I think I wanted to date someone from a different world because of this feeling to be off with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I would never reject my life, I really love it and I would be a fool to say no to the chances I have. I don’t think I have a feeling of superiority,  otherwise my second ex wouldn’t have taken so long to realize that we were from different worlds. I mean, I guess that for many people I would look like someone who would look down at people, isn’t it the result of an education more than a trait of personality tho?

    But I also have to be conscious that people react differently according to social differences, I don’t care about them because I’ve never been in a defensive position when it comes to this. So I am aware that I don’t understand how it feels and this is also what I am trying to understand, I can’t say to someone to snap it out and that money doesn’t count if you really appreciate someone. I have to be aware of the differences which exist between me and other people: not everyone looks like the people I use to deal with ever since I was a child. I have to adapt myself to the other because I would be a real piece of trash to ask everyone around me to adapt to my lifestyle while being now perfectly aware that I am extremely privileged. If I don’t understand and be realistic about myself, I won’t be able to understand why sometimes people don’t feel comfortable around me.

    My closing words for this post: you are worthy of love, Anna! And you are good enough! Your mother criticized the child that you were because she (your mother) wasn’t good enough: a good enough mother would not have criticized a vulnerable child who needed acceptance and love, not criticism and who looked up to her mother for what she needed most.

    Thank you for your words Anita. My mother is being an interesting case lately to be fair, she told me “I want people to take care of me” = undirectly asking ME to pamper her (!!!!!!). I don’t have time for this, I don’t want to give any single piece of energy to her, she has a man in her life, he is the one who should give her all the attention she wants, not me her daughter. When I told her about my job, she didn’t even congrats me, she only asked about the money..

    Anna
    Participant

    Now on a personal level, I agree with most part of what both of you wrote to me. I am genuinely afraid to not be worth of love. What attracts me in those broken boys, I do think it is a mirror effect: they are afraid of being loved and loving someone because they don’t feel good enough about themselves. Birds of a feather flock together, right? I did share strong and deep emotional connexion with the last one, because the two of us felt genuinely seen and understood. We accepted each other’s flaws because this is what we wanted from people; we knew we were broken, we knew people didn’t see our true colors and categorized us somewhere we didn’t want to be. How sweet it was to finally find someone who would maybe understand how you work and would live at the same pace as you?

    Then, it just hit me a few days ago: while I was embracing him for his whole, he was being ok with me until he fully took conscious of which kind of person I am. I am not talking about my flaws but rather the positive notes within me and the life I choose to have as well as my background. He pushed me away because my bright sides made him feel inadequate, uncomfortable about himself and his own life. For as long as I could share with him my anxiety, my sadness and my traumas, he was here, making me feel safe and reassuring me. But.. from the moment I was sharing my successes, he was obviously genuinely happy, because he is not an evil person at all, yet at the same time, he knew he couldn’t do the same; sharing his professional and personal success.

    It’s hard to fully accept when he said that I did nothing wrong and he actually loves to be around me because he was “constantly amazed by my personality and my successes” that.. indeed, nothing wrong happened between me and him and as Tee wrote “his rejection of you is in fact his deeper rejection of himself”. Because deep down, I was questioning myself, then if nothing was wrong and if he was genuinely happy with me, how comes he broke up? If everything was that fine between us, if he decided to leave me, then it just meant that I wasn’t good enough, despite me trying so hard, it wasn’t enough and him not telling me what he didn’t like which led him to break up, how was I supposed to improve in order to reach “his standards”? “Unfortunately there is nothing you can say or do to convince him that he is good enough for you, or good enough in general. He would need to heal that wound first.”

    At the end, he admired my qualities and my life,  loved my flaws but couldn’t piece all of these together. The real me is the combination of everything. One of my best friends told me recently that being with someone is not only about matching a personality but also about being on the same page when it comes to personal and professional goals. Even if in 1 year he finally started to move forwards in his life, we wouldn’t be on the same page I think. Because if we both ended up at the same level here, then it would have meant that I wouldn’t have made much progresses from my side and I am at this point where everything is moving super fast for me.

    My current relation is not perfect and does not necessarily full-fill my expectations when it comes to romantic partners. But for now I know he is good for me, we are both on the same professional page, we get along very well and it helps me a lot to move on. I don’t think it will last forever but I really appreciate him, we both share the same level of ambition and just like me he as a lot of projects going on: right now he is in France, in Strasbourg, taking part as speaker in conferences at the Council of Europe on behalf of our UN national office as their youth representative.

    I mean, I need to be able to focus on myself and I don’t know, maybe it’s not the right way to do so but I feel like having a partner who is more professional/romantic than purely romantic is kind of helpful and boost me to keep succeeding in whatever I feel like it personally.

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Tee,

    I came back two days ago from my trip, it was really lovely and it felt so nice to be outside of my big town with my friends! We had an amazing time and ever since I am floating on a big chill summer cloud haha. I hope you had a nice week-end too wherever you are!

    Before responding more in details to the both of you, I’d like to share some parts of the last messages I sent to him before blocking him from everywhere. I don’t think I was venting out, as I told him, the purpose of these messages was to simply clear out the situation and to be completely honest towards myself and him in a first place, never ever I wanted to make him change his minds and to create a rebound situation. Although, now when I read back, I realize that some parts of them were led by me being annoyed and extremely sad, hence I wasn’t as chill I hoped I would be. But eh, who could blame me to be emotive when the guy I used to have strong feelings finally admitted that he was dating someone else two weeks after breaking up with me out of fear?

    Tee, you wrote to me:

    As for him not being polite, not even greeting you but just staring at you, maybe he cannot or doesn’t want to pretend that he is fine, when he is not. If I understood well, your communication stopped completely when you wrote him a long message spilling out everything you had (I assume your outrage and disbelief about his actions), and then blocking him on social media. He probably didn’t take that well, even if what you said was mostly true. I imagine there is a mix of feelings in him: anger at you, a sense of embarrassment at himself, perhaps even hatred and disappointment in himself, combined with resentment towards you, perhaps also a sense that life in unfair etc etc…

    There could be a storm of conflicting emotions inside of him, perhaps he isn’t even aware of all of them, and this makes him kind of stuck, like a deer in the headlights – frozen and unable to respond. If this is true – if he is an emotional mess right now and doesn’t know what to think or feel, it would explain why he can’t even utter a word to you. Or he might be resenting you for the things you’ve said – things that in fact might be true, but he doesn’t want to admit them. And so he “punishes” you with his silence.

    “You always felt that you had to over-compensate with me, that you weren’t good enough, I know everything you did in order to please me, I also noticed every times you felt that you weren’t enough. On one hand, I am really flattered that you had such a high opinion of me. But also, I am really sad that you couldn’t see how much you brought to me, how much I just needed you in my life because for what you genuinely are. I don’t know what happened exactly in your mind back in the days (and again, it is what it is now). But I refuse to believe that you didn’t feel this flow and connexion between us. Because it was as obvious as the nose in the middle of the face. As hard as it is to believe, I promise you, I am not mad at you anymore. Really. My feelings for you came from those times together, talking to you, spending all this time together, gradually and then it became very intense. I am sad that it has to go that way between you and me. But you also really have to understand that when I think that actions don’t match words, I need to clear out the situation. What I saw, was us always in a way, ending up around each other. We both know that I was always the one coming to you ever since november/december. We both agreed that it would be better for each other to keep our distances. Yet, before one of your event, when we accidentally bumped into each other on a Wednesday, I quote unquote yourself « I was kinda hoping that you would talk to me ». I thought I was really ready to see and talk to you as if nothing happened, so here I was.

    But then, I realized that I was still looking for you, I still wanted to be around you. It was not the smartest choice but it was the one which felt right. « I was avoiding you » you said earlier. No, let’s be real, none of us were avoiding the other. We both know how we are when we REALLY want to avoid someone. And, how can you feel that it would not bring any good to answer a simple supportive message yet thinking that staying around each other in real life was less dangerous? Why did you not push me away out of respect for her, as you told me, you did with her when we were together (IRL and not by messages obviously, at this point we didn’t talk anymore by messages)? Nothing happened back in the days with her, but me and you, that’s a different issue. And my issue with you is that none of us succeed to stay away from the other every time we had the opportunity for. It was NOT ok for us to do so (…)

    So to be clear, I was mad at you because I never understood how one could jeopardize something which makes them feel genuinely happy. I was mad at you because I could sens your fears deep in my bones and that because it was YOUR fight, I didn’t have any right to say anything if you didn’t want to talk about it first. But never ever, I was mad at you for the way you are, I accepted you as the whole package. My sadness was about what I lost, you and these times together. I could sens you but well, i’m very communicative so I guess I just wanted for you to confirm what I already knew. I wanted to be with you, my feelings for you, it all comes from because you opened up about yourself, not only the brightest side of your personality but also your past, your scars, not because of the nice social picture you give to the crowd.

    I told you, clearing out my minds from parasite thoughts is my way to get out from toxic behaviors and useless overthinking. You don’t owe me anything, this is your life and I am accepting that you didn’t want me to be part of it. I hope that someday, you will understand that being happy with someone and making this person happy, isn’t a proof of you being intoxicated by someone else’s feelings and emotions, but simply the mark of a deep emotional care. I will miss you, we were both chaotic, very dysfunctional but at the end, we managed to find our own form of happiness and it was really great. I sincerely wish you the best in your life.”

    So I don’t know, to be fair, I feel like I was trying to make peace with myself and him through those messages. I mean, I wasn’t expecting anything in return: I blocked him right after sending it because I knew if I didn’t do it I would have been constantly sneaking in the conversation to see when he would has seen it and I knew if I had those kind of expectations, that would have been a very toxic behavior leading me to some very toxic patterns.

    Now if I am being completely honest with myself, I have mixed feelings: I am disgusted to think of him dating the girl he told me to not worry about despite knowing that nothing happened when we were dating and understanding why he has been rebounding so fast. I am still a bit angry at him for breaking up while we were both so fine together. I also feel sorry for him because I am aware of his personal situation and I know it’s really bad which also kind of makes me angry at him, because he told me that he would rather stay alone as he wanted to before dating me because of this. Yet, he decided to date someone else two weeks after breaking up. And on the other hand, I can’t stress enough how I actually feel extremely lucky for not being part of this anymore. Apparently he hasn’t gotten out of his room for two/three days in a row now. Like, I will never wish him any bad, but I can’t stop myself to think that this girl he is dating and who has to support him and his mess, it could have been me and at some point I feel that it would have been so much worst than the situation I am now: grief is temporary and it will pass while getting dragged into his messy life, I really think would have hurt me so much more. Mostly when I think about my other ex who was depressive and to whom I stuck with out of duty and most likely out of emotional dependency. I got so damaged by this two years relations, I can’t afford to let someone else hurting me.

    in reply to: How autism works when it comes to feelings and relations #402973
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you! I actually had my ceremony yesterday. Technically I am graduated since the 10th of June but we got the ceremony only now.

    To answer your questions: put it simply it’s a mixt between my personal network composed by a lot of ambassador’s children/nephews and the fact that I’ve been working for a NGO for the past two years now as board member. It’s a quite big one in our country and many politicians (from national to UN level) and other big names used to be part of it in their younger days which makes the alumni network quite impressive to say the least. So basically, my personal network and my position in this NGO, allows me to work very closely with those kind of people. It’s really fun and rewarding. In addition, I worked for a while in Brussels where I also developped a strong network within the European Commission, some of my closest friends still work there.

    When it comes to him I don’t think I could ever do something to help. Because the thing is, it’s been 3 weeks now that we got our last conversation which ended with me sending him a message where I told him everything I thought about the situation and about him prior to block him from every social medias. Ever since I keep seeing him around a lot for sure, but I was ignoring him until two days ago when I bumped into him at our association’s building. Anita, I promise, it was one of the most awkwards interaction I could ever had with someone: i went to the building, he was there, i nodded to say hi, he couldn’t even do the same, like he got stuck staring at me. Then i got locked outside because i forgot my key inside so I had to ask him to open the door for me, I swear to you, I was being nice and polite. YET, he couldn’t say a single word to me, I am not joking, he didn’t even say something like « yes sure », he didn’t even nod. The tension was present and that was at some point kind of embarrassing to see thzt he couldn’t even keep a formal relation with me. Ok I mean, I know he felt very bad about me for the past two weeks but still, it shouldn’t stop someone from being polite or at least answer with a few words when I talk to him. Cmon, he made his choices, he told me straight to the point how he felt for her and for me. So did I. I thought the situation was cleared out, because cmon, if you are so sure about yourself and about all your decisions, stick to your words, be proud and confident about them. And, please, be at least polite. Like in a personal context, we can keep ignoring each other but at least when we are in this building, we both know that our relation become more professional.

    Ok I got that I may not have seen him in the best context; it’s hard to be seen when we are vulnerable and such. Because so far I think I wasn’t supposed to see him doing that. BUT STILL. He was in the middle of the main room, obviously if someone else were to come in, they would also have seen him eating.

    And it kind of annoys me to see that one month ago, he was still able to at least say hi to me, I saw him ploting some stuffs about me with his friends during parties (yes I over-heard and yes that was very dumb mostly after knowing all the context with him « dating/seeing » that other girl, like please, as I told him, during all these months where he was already seeing her, he should have ignored me out of respect for her on a personal context). Now ever since I pushed my way to tell him what I wanted to clear out with him, every time I see him, he is always looking and doing very poorly. He can’t even be formal with me. So at some point I kind of decided to ignore him. Because I know his situation is bad (and until Wednesday I didn’t really understznd the extent of it) and I don’t want to fuel more his misery. Plus, it shouldn’t be my issue anymore right? I mean, he decided to stay with that girl in a way, if he’s someone’s responsibility, he is hers.

    On top of that, as his best friend told me, he is pushing away people. I am not sure if it’s because he is going to leave to walk towards Spain soon, if it’s because of that girl specifically, if it’s because he is feeling really ashamed of his situation. Maybe a mixt a everything I guess. Point is, he is in an emotional distress.

    I genuinely wish I could help him but what am I supposed to do with someone who can’t even say hi back to me? I am making peace with myself when it comes to our past, he clearly isn’t on the same page as me when it comes to us. I can’t emotionally afford to get drained into his mess. He is not doing ok, but this girl should be the one helping him, not me. Now if he can’t even dare asking her to help him, then we circle bzck to what I was saying about the two of them. I al sorry, maybe I sound a bit harsh but as much zd I would love helping, I can’t put myself in an emotional roller coaster all over again for him. His attitude towards me isn’t correct, I understand his pain and his distress but it doesn’t mean that I have to sacrifice again my own well-being for him. As he said, we don’t owe anything to each other anymore.

    I will come back next week to reply to your answers, from today until Monday, we have a national celebration so I will be off because I al going in the archipelago with some friends. Have a nice week-end!

    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Tee,

    Thank you for responding to my thread and I apologize for being so late. I was having my graduation ceremony and as major of my year, I had to prepare a speech and I was helping with the preparations. In addition I was having an interview for a job: I am now the deputy-editor-in-chief of a European think tank. I am really looking forwards to this new experience.

    I will respond later to your answers, because it actually helps me a lot to understand myself lately and I also needed time to process.

    However I would like to come back to some events which have happened so far this week. Obviously I bumped into him many times and I even saw him with that girl I was talking about. Tonight I was at a party with one of his best friends. She told me that he was taking distance with everyone ever since he was “dating/seeing” her. Apparently he was kind of living with her and they kind of rebounded, I am not sure if I understood properly this part, because his contract with his room was over or soon-to-be, or something like this, they live together until he goes on vacations with his family. I also saw him a few times at the building of our associations, he was there from 12:00 to at least 7/8:00, obviously I wasn’t here all the time, but every time I went there, he was also present and always eating the stuffs from the association. So it hits me: he had absolutely no reasons to be present in this building, he was there because he could eat something. I am not sure to which extent his situation is bad, but when I saw him, he wasn’t doing good at all. It was really obvious. I am not saying he wasn’t feeling ok because of me, but it seems to me that his situation is kinda alarming if he is at the point of having to go to our association’s building to eat for free just because he can’t afford something decent. And having to live with someone you barely know just because you don’t have a roof above you is also a bit concerning no? As someone who still cares for him, I can’t help myself but feel a bit worried for him.. I mean, when I saw him today, he was really pale and skinny.

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