Hi Anita,

Thank you for this very long answer!

I don’t know if I wrote it in this thread but.. the first ex-boyfriend is trying to come back now haha. I am going to talk about it now because you mentioned him in your last message. We have been talking for a few days now and he told me really great news for him: he managed to pass all his exams and in September he will be in second year of his data science engineering program, on top of that he will move out from his parent’s place. We also talked a little bit about his depression, he is feeling much better now. Aaaaaaand.. he actually asked me out. Which I obviously refused. I think it’s very interesting and kind of funny to see him coming back after pushing me away for so long and making me go through emotional roller coasters for two years. I was so sure that he broke up because he didn’t have feelings for me and that he didn’t feel good enough to be in relationship Anita, to be fair I was almost sure he was actually gay.

Honestly, it feels kind of good to realize that me overthinking wasn’t that “much” overthinking and me imagining things which would please me more. I mean, I knew his depression was hitting really hard on him and it was affecting a lot his life, I didn’t know the extent of everything and I guess I will never. Anyway, the past is in the past. I am really glad that he feels better now and that he has finally a life he feels comfortable with.

When it comes to the second guy, I don’t think I am that far from the “truth” with him either. I mean, obviously there is a lot of overthinking because of me not being able to control my emotions and feelings. Although now I am finally back at having a better control over my emotions. I also know that his neuro-divergency plays a huge part in his relations in general, I can’t dismiss it but I can’t use it as an excuse or a shield to explain everything obviously. He never named it and his best-friend was actually the first one officially telling me that he was autistic. However, he told me many times that his ND made his brain working much slower than average and that people needed to be extremely patient with him, time being his best ally. In addition, I know his life is extremely messy, he confessed to me a lot of things about it. I know it played a huge part. We both deflected our own fears onto each others, not the healthiest way to deal with relationships indeed.

But I also think the line is extremely hard to find when it comes to dissociating ND behavior and regular behavior within romantic relationships, I got the proof with my first ex-boyfriend and I also got the proof with myself. Hence why when I am aware that the person in front of me is a ND and differently from me, I try to understand as much as possible.

When the second boyfriend told you that he was not attracted to you romantically, you refused to believe him and researched romantic attraction online, posting your findings here on your thread, arguing that he was (!!!) romantically attracted to you. In your message to him, you wrote: “I refuse to believe that you didn’t feel this flow and connection between us. Because it was as obvious as the nose in the middle of the face“- you refused to accept rejection and argued that you were not rejected! You asked a few times regarding the men who rejected you: “what is wrong with him?“, “what is wrong with them?“, all to deflect from your feeling-inside that there is something wrong with you.

Well, to be fair, I wouldn’t be questioning him not having romantic feelings if he hadn’t told me that he was scared for having lost me just because of his fears. Plus, a few weeks later he told me that he took decisions out of fears and was regretting them (we were talking about the two of us at that moment). And the main point of me questioning it, was obviously the reason he broke up: “I am happy with you, you are happy with me, we make each other happy, hence why I realized that I don’t think I could develop romantic feelings for you” ………. I would have accepted him not feeling attracted to me he had just said something like “yeah nah I just don’t feel like it” instead of this kind of argument. I mean, I can blame my first ex-boyfriend for everything I want but at least he was honest with me when he broke up: him not feeling ok, not feeling like it and not feeling “in love” with me or whatever he said, I don’t really remember.

Point is, if you are genuinely happy with someone, if you genuinely appreciate being with this person and their personality, doing regular couple-thingy with this person, I am sorry Anita, but I really don’t see thousand of other explanations for a breakup in this context mostly after such a short amount of time spent together as a couple.

The second ex-boyfriend at one point, told you that he did not want to talk with you about the past, and later, he did not speak to you at all, not even a “hi”. This is a clear post-break up rejection, yet you were not able to accept that he rejected you. You rationalize his rejections as non-rejections, as reaction not to you, but to his poor nutrition and poor mental health.

Ok so for the context, when he broke up, he insisted a LOT to keep in touch with me, he even told me “I totally picture the two of us in a near future, catching up once our lives will be on track”. Which I said, no, there is no way, if I wanted to move on and heal, I couldn’t afford to stay around him, because I did this mistake in the past and it never ended well and that we needed to cut the ties completely. The two first weeks after the breakup he was always around me and if during our first 5h of conversation I didn’t insist of the two of us taking our distance for my own sake, he would have kept being around me. I am not twisting the situation at all, this is what happened for real. I was the one who insisted to keep our distances in a first place, he didn’t take it well at all. I was ready to make peace with him and to talk to him again on a regular and normal basis because I also though that throwing away the bond we used to have, would have been a waste. On the other hand, I think I was having a hard time to let him go, deep down I know we both just wanted to be around each other. The simple truth Anita, is that we weren’t and aren’t on the same page. I think at the end, it is just what it is.

Now again, I am fully aware of his situation which I have to take into consideration in the equation; it would have been very easy for me to snap out the context around him and me and just take it as it would seem to be: me refusing his rejection because he didn’t feel whatever for me. That could have been the hard truth but with my first ex-boyfriend, now I am also learning that situations are more complicated than they are, time being indeed our best ally in every situations. I know that sometimes I took decisions which I wouldn’t if I had the opportunity to go back in time, just because I didn’t feel ok with myself, I know I hurt a lot of people because of my poor mental health in the past as well. And this is why I also try to understand people’s actions and behaviors, I don’t want to hold grudges or feel bad about myself or about someone else just because of unconscious fears from both sides.

Obviously I don’t take well rejection, to a greater extent than average for sure. But the two of them aren’t my first relationships and it wasn’t the first times I got dumped. Twice before, exes broke up with me. It wasn’t hard at all because I knew we didn’t have chemistry and on a regular basis, we didn’t necessarily match each other’s energy. I can feel when something is off between me and someone, like when you just don’t match someone’s energy and personality. I wasn’t looking for excuses to justify them wanting to breakup with me because I accepted that our personalities didn’t work together, they found some parts of me annoying and I found some part of them annoying too.

-this leads me think that the praising and the feeling of superiority for being a member of a social elite, these placed you on a higher elevation platform from which you fell each time you were criticized as a child (and each time you were later rejected in the romantic context). The falls therefore were longer and the crash at ground level was more painful than if you were not praised or thought of yourself as a social elite 

You know what? I’ve started to realize that I was being part of a different side of the society when I actually started to date my first ex-boyfriend. My reality has always been this glamorous and elitist one, everything I’ve lived so far, was completely normal. I mean, I felt something was off with me of course, but I didn’t understand it until my universe clashed with his. I think I wanted to date someone from a different world because of this feeling to be off with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I would never reject my life, I really love it and I would be a fool to say no to the chances I have. I don’t think I have a feeling of superiority,  otherwise my second ex wouldn’t have taken so long to realize that we were from different worlds. I mean, I guess that for many people I would look like someone who would look down at people, isn’t it the result of an education more than a trait of personality tho?

But I also have to be conscious that people react differently according to social differences, I don’t care about them because I’ve never been in a defensive position when it comes to this. So I am aware that I don’t understand how it feels and this is also what I am trying to understand, I can’t say to someone to snap it out and that money doesn’t count if you really appreciate someone. I have to be aware of the differences which exist between me and other people: not everyone looks like the people I use to deal with ever since I was a child. I have to adapt myself to the other because I would be a real piece of trash to ask everyone around me to adapt to my lifestyle while being now perfectly aware that I am extremely privileged. If I don’t understand and be realistic about myself, I won’t be able to understand why sometimes people don’t feel comfortable around me.

My closing words for this post: you are worthy of love, Anna! And you are good enough! Your mother criticized the child that you were because she (your mother) wasn’t good enough: a good enough mother would not have criticized a vulnerable child who needed acceptance and love, not criticism and who looked up to her mother for what she needed most.

Thank you for your words Anita. My mother is being an interesting case lately to be fair, she told me “I want people to take care of me” = undirectly asking ME to pamper her (!!!!!!). I don’t have time for this, I don’t want to give any single piece of energy to her, she has a man in her life, he is the one who should give her all the attention she wants, not me her daughter. When I told her about my job, she didn’t even congrats me, she only asked about the money..