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A painful breakup. Confused and upset.

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • July 15, 2022 at 10:57 am #404028
    Cal
    Participant

    It’s been 3 weeks since my ex-gf suddenly decided to break up and end our relationship after 1.5 years.

    For the first year, we had an amazing relationship, emotionally and physically. We explored the world together, spent all the time together, shared our friends and family, had nights in together. We were smitten. We understood and cared for and smiled with each other.

    However, in the last few months, a lot has been going on in her life. She began to question everything, such as her career and every friendship (even her closest friends who I can see care deeply for her) and felt unhappy that she was not at a stage she had pictured in her life by now. She had an idealized view of the world and was comparing herself against these unattainable goals.

    She began getting snappy with me, would have big mood swings, and stopped loving herself. She would say she felt unattractive. There’s been nights she’s cried in my arms and said it’s all too much. Our physical relationship took a big decline.

    In the months before breaking up, I realise she pushed me away. She didn’t communicate as much and didn’t want to spend time together.  I realised how much stress her life was under and didn’t want to add to this so never raised this but stood by her side, comforted her and explained I could see how great she was.

    My actions were always so supportive but she said she didn’t deserve me. She said she wasn’t sure she could love anyone or anything. I didn’t know if this was her way of softening the blow because she didn’t want to hurt me.  It made no sense to me. I tried to reason with her but her decision was made.

    This is someone I thought I could see the rest of my life with. Someone who gave me everything I was looking for in a relationship but told me she was not good enough for me. The ups outweighed the downs but I’m not sure she could see the ups any longer.

    I want to make sure she’s okay as she told me I understand her the most but equally, I am conflicted as I can’t reach out and help as I must look after myself too. Do I reach out? Do I wait?

    Thanks for reading, Cal.

     

     

     

    July 15, 2022 at 11:35 am #404044
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cal:

    “She began getting snappy with me, would have big mood swings… said it’s all too much… she pushed me away. She didn’t communicate as much and didn’t want to spend time together”-

    – she was snappy-angry at you for a while, sometimes very angry (“big mood swings”). She felt that you were too much (you were part of the all, in “all too much”). For a while, she didn’t want to communicate with you or spend much  time with you,  and 3 weeks ago, she broke up with you because she didn’t want to spend any time with you, and she didn’t want to communicate with you at all.

    “I want to make sure she’s okay as she told me I understand her the most but equally, I am conflicted as I can’t reach out and help as I must look after myself too. Do I reach out? Do I wait?”- I think that what will be helpful to her is that you do not reach out to her because she doesn’t want you to reach out to her (she broke up with you and did not contact you since asking for help, did she?)

    Sometimes helping someone takes not doing.  I am sorry about your emotional pain following this breakup and I hope that you do look after yourself.

    “Confused and upset” is part of the title you chose for your thread. Maybe I can help you gain some clarity and maybe clarity will make you feel better. You wrote: “She began to question.. every friendship (even her closest friends who I can see care deeply for her)“- understanding what she was questioning about her closest friends can shine some light on what she was questioning about you. Would you like to explore this?

    anita

    July 15, 2022 at 12:27 pm #404047
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Cal

    I’m sorry to hear about the break up. How are you feeling about it all? Your writing was very much focused on her with not much said about you. Would you like to share a little more about how the break up is affecting you?

    It sounds like your ex was very depressed. I can only guess, but maybe she was trying to protect you from that?

    Personally, I don’t see the harm in reaching out, only if that is something that doesn’t harm you. But I wouldn’t expect things to change. If you want to be there as a friend, for someone who is very depressed and she is also open to that, it might be worth reaching out. It is understandable if either of you are not able to do that though.

    July 15, 2022 at 1:48 pm #404049
    Cal
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for replying. She has messaged once apologising if she was awkward around me after we saw each other at a mutual friend’s party but I was conflicted what to say.

    She said to me she was worried she didn’t get on with her friends and they thought she was always a negative influence on their lives.

    I’m still conflicted what this all means but appreciate I may never know.

     

     

    July 15, 2022 at 1:53 pm #404050
    Cal
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    Thank you for replying. I recognize I am selfless and still think about her feelings than my own. I’m going through ups and downs as expected I feel. Sometimes I feel focused on myself and can take positives from our relationship and look ahead and other times I start to wonder what if and whether she will reach out. I think I should stop holding onto hope but I still do at the moment, which sounds silly given she ended it and I need to accept that.

    I agree, I think she was very anxious but unwilling to share these with other people apart from me. She would often put on a facade in public and come home and I’d support her and check she was ok.

    It was hard her saying I was too good for her and she didn’t deserve me as I thought she deserved everything and more.

     

    July 15, 2022 at 4:15 pm #404075
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cal:

    You are welcome. It looks like she felt less-than you (and others)/ not good enough for you, and breaking up eased that feeling a bit. Separated she doesn’t feel as inadequate as she felt together with you in the last few months of the relationship.

    anita

    July 15, 2022 at 11:19 pm #404103
    Cal
    Participant

    I would agree. I think she feels inadequate in every situation and was always comparing her portrayal of herself with what she thought the ideal was. I’m not sure what this means. Is there a chance she may find confidence in herself and realise I was good for her or is this just wishful thinking?

    Cal

    July 16, 2022 at 5:54 am #404106
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Cal!

    I think it would take time and treatment for her depression to help her find her confidence.

    It sounds like you care for your ex a great deal. It is understandable that those feelings do not fade quickly. Give yourself time to heal and process the ending of this relationship.

    If there is anything else you would like to share, please do!

    July 16, 2022 at 7:34 am #404108
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cal:

    You asked: “Is there a chance she may find confidence in herself and realise I was good for her, or is this just wishful thinking?“- every day in the world, relationships resume after breakups, so I am sure that there is a statistical chance that your relationship with resume.  I want to re-read the little that you shared in your thread so to guess (after you reply to this) at what this chance might be:

    “In the last few months… She began to question everything, such as her career and every friendship“- I am guessing that during the few months before she broke up with you, she questioned her relationship with you as well as her friendships and career. Even though it felt to you that she suddenly broke up with you 3 weeks ago (“It’s been 3 weeks since my ex-gf suddenly decided to break up”), she was thinking about breaking up with you for a few months before she finally did.

    “She..  felt unhappy that she was not at a stage she had pictured in her life by now. She had an idealized view of the world and was comparing herself against these unattainable goals“- seems to me that in the last few months she didn’t see you as fitting her idealized view of a partner or a husband, and that she didn’t think of you as someone who can help her achieve her major life goals.

    “She began getting snappy with me… Our physical relationship took a big decline… She didn’t communicate as much and didn’t want to spend time together“- for as long as this was happening, she was moving toward a breakup, but not yet prepared to actually break up with you, struggling: to break up or  not?.

    “She said she didn’t deserve me…I didn’t know if this was her way of softening the blow… saying I was too good for her and she didn’t deserve me” – if the only time she told you that she didn’t deserve you was when she broke up with you, it could have been something she said to soften the blow. (When I posted to you last, I didn’t consider the possibility that the only time she told you that she didn’t deserve you was when she broke up with you)

    “She said she wasn’t sure she could love anyone or anything. . I tried to reason with her but her decision was made“- her saying that she wasn’t sure she could love… you is not promising regarding resuming the relationship. It looks like she was considering breaking up with you for a few months before she finally did, and it looks like she felt strongly about breaking up when she did.

    “I think she feels inadequate in every situation and was always comparing her portrayal of herself with what she thought the ideal was. I’m not sure what this means“- she was presenting herself not as she is but as she thinks she should be, as an ideal. This fits with what you shared earlier: “She would often put on a facade in public”, a facade: an outward appearance meant to conceal an inward reality.

    I am assuming that she feels inadequate, unacceptable, in need to be hidden behind a facade. It is possible that she felt undeserving of you, not good-enough for you, but it is also possible that she felt that you are not good enough for her facade, that you don’t fit with her ideal, with what and how her life should be.

    I’ll repeat this point which I think is interesting: if she doesn’t value herself (the person she is), but she values her ideal (the person she thinks she should be), then she may not value you as good enough for her ideal.

    You wrote earlier: “she told me I understand her the most“- what was she referring to, what is it that she believed that you understand about her?

    anita

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