Dear Sushmita:

Before I attend to your recent post, I want to go over a few things we discussed previously:

1) You wrote earlier: “He wanted to part ways without me telling at home… He has asked to not fight for it.. It’s been 6 months that we have talked only 2-3 times.. He says… I have stopped myself from loving you“. I asked you if there is a “we” when it comes to this guy, or “is there just you, a singular person, imagining that she is… a we?”  Your answer was: ” I think it’s just ‘me’“.

2) There is an element of dishonesty going on, as I understand it: your mother wanted you to be calm enough to finish your studies, so she lied to you, suggesting that she will consider agreeing to a marriage. At one point, she wanted to scare you into giving up on the guy, so she lied (?), saying that she was going to gather relatives around to beat you up. You tried to dishonestly manipulate your parents and the guy by suggesting that if a marriage doesn’t take place, you will commit suicide. Yesterday, you considered lying to the guy: “I am sorry but I am going to lie to him… saying my parents want to meet you“. Since you want clarity, how can clarity be achieved when lies and dishonest manipulations are taking place?

3) You wrote: “keeping this hope when the other person is not giving me commitment- it will not let me be at peace“.

Now let’s see what you posted most recently: “But someday I am going to be independent financially“-  you are currently financially dependent on your parents, but you are also emotionally dependent on them. Do you think that once you are financially independent, you will no longer care if they approve or disapprove of a man you want to marry? Will you then be able to marry a man they disapprove of and not have contact with your parents for as long as they disapprove?

“I have invested myself in building something for 3 years and now suddenly he realised his ethics… he should not have made it clear otherwise from the very beginning” – the two of you were aware from the very beginning that you are of very different castes and that Indian society at large (and therefore your parents) disapprove of inter-caste marriages. You didn’t have a practical plan to tackle this problem, you ignored it instead,  and now you are paying the price .

“I am a normal individual who hasn’t mastered his level of letting go and being at peace with regret of not trying enough for the person I wanted to be with“- you can’t try enough to be with him when you and him are emotionally dependent on parents’/ society’s approval. The two of you never had a practical plan to make a marriage happen, so…

“I need clarity I can’t keep hanging in the hope and keep trying so hard for something that might not happen. I don’t know to give up maybe. My attachment will not let me give up“- there is a saying, the heart wants what the heart wants, regardless of whether it’s rational or not. Your heart wants him. And it is not a rational want: your parents disagree, he gave up.. there is no “we”, it’s only you, fighting on your own, alone,  for a “we” that does not exist.

Again, the key point: you and him did not have a practical plan to overcome the expected societal disapproval of your inter-caste relationship. A practical plan upon having met three years ago would have been to agree that the two of you, if you decide to get married in the future, will be getting married without parents’ approval,  willing to have no contact with any and all disapproving family members, parents included. The plan would have included your willingness to be shunned by disapproving families, and to not be a part of their lives anymore,  living together as a married couple in another city or country where you will not be judged.

I wish you rational and emotional honesty and clarity in your own mind and in all your relationships: these will bring you peace.

anita