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He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please!

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This topic contains 38 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Nina Sakura 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #125091

    Niki
    Participant

    Please put up with the long story, sorry in advance for writing so much..
    We were together since last 7 years in relationship and 9 years of friendship. We met in college. I am 25 and he is 27. Both from India.
    He was the best boyfriend and bestfriend one could get, my everything, he always said he loved me more than anything, did all the sweet things, understood me inside out, we were inseparable. The thought of us getting apart would usually depress him and scare him to death.

    But the thing here is, he belongs to a very conservative family. He never introduced me to his family in these 7 years, they didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. On the other hand, everyone from my family knew about him including my parents. He was loved by my family very much, given his genuine nature and kindness, and the way he took care of me. Me and him had planned about our future together, even named kids, planned marriage and almost every little to big details together. Our future was to be one amazing journey together!

    Everything was going good, until we decided to tell at our respective places regarding marriage. My people were happy for me. His parents were taken aback, but accepted to meet my parents and me.

    They belong to a business class family, extremely rich, and they treat my bf as a prince, who does not have to work too much, he can have fun with his wife. This is what his parents told mine. That I had to leave my job because once I am their DIL, I have to follow their traditions. They also denied me doing any kind of other work (they do not want an Independent woman, a woman earning even a single penny is a strict no no). They wanted me to just sit at home and have fun. My parents tried to persuade them to let me work atleast something or help them in heir business because they have educated me and I am extremely talented. (Meanwhile, his parents sent me and him in his room so that they can talk with my parents alone. This also was strange and fishy). Me and my parents agreed to all their demands later on and even my uncle called his father and apologized if they felt bad, that please to not break this relation. His dad said it is decision of elders and my bf is okay with it.
    In between all these, my bf’s behavior had changed so much, he used to ask me if I’ll work, then for how many hours, that there should not be any fights in house because of me or us. Frankly, he was something else on call, I understand he was stressed out, but he never talked with me like this.

    And after 3 days, his father called up my Dad and told him they don’t want to go ahead with this. No reason was given, he said even my boyfriend was OKAY with that. I tried calling him hearing this, but his phone number was deactivated.
    That was the day my dreams, future, simply everything shattered. All along, I had made a lot of sacrifices to stay with him – did not go abroad for studies, did not even take up a job out of my city, gave up my dreams of pursuing music as I didn’t want to go far from him, planned my life revolving him and only him. We were not married but lived like husband and wife mentally and emotionally.

    They took away his cellphone, deactivated all his social accounts, and he was absolutely fine with that. They even lied to him that my parents fought with them for my working. Later, when his friends made him call me,he told me to become practical and move on as he cannot get married to me, he will not go against his parents. After all the 7 years! When I asked about all the promises he made, he said he was immature all this time, now he has become practical. He said his dad’s BP dropped and he can’t chose me over them. He turned so much cold as if all this never mattered. His parents were somewhere against love marriages from the beginning and I could sense this. But he is so much blinded by them he did not even talk with me once to know the story from my side. I just feel there were many ways if he really wanted to be together, even while keeping everyone together. But they are not ready to listen to anybody.

    2 months have passed and he has blocked me from everywhere. He did not even care to wish me on my b’day, I had hopes. I am not able to forget all the times we had, I feel we are meant to be! I will never get someone like him who understands me, loves me so passionately, intensely that I forget I’m in this world. I was myself the most around him.

    I just feel it was my mistake that I spoke up about my job and work, I should have just accepted their demands and married him. Atleast I’d ‘ve been together with him. I am very adjusting, I would have adjusted, given I had his support. But his parents only give 1 chance to people and if you don’t accept or say anything against them, then once a No is always a No for them.

    Now I have nothing, all my dreams and future is empty, I have such low confidence I feel I cannot do anything nor even live alone by myself. My future is doomed and I feel like just running back to him, but he has nothing to do with me now, the girl he loved more than anything all these years. I was so much dependent on him, I don’t know how can I go to another city to work, I fear living alone. My parents are telling me to take up a job outside so that I can become self-reliant and love myself. But I am so scared to keep a foot out of my house.
    Also, I had proposed him 3-4 times in college, when he said No saying his family is very conservative. But then he felt the love and came to me and proposed me as he felt the same love then. We both belong to the same Caste, and same Sub-caste. Still his parents denied the marriage..
    Please guide me.. Help me.. I cry all day I just want him nothing else, I am ready to do anything they ask for, I want to save my relationship, he is my one true love..I cannot imagine loving or marrying someone else, he was so much perfect,so loving. yes he was under his parent’s control, but still he loved me when they were not in the picture. I just feel like giving up on everything, as I have nothing left..I will have to go for an arranged marriage after 2-3 years, although in my family, the process is very liberal, something like a blind date. But I just want to be with him, I have never loved someone so much intensely, more than myself or anyone. I still love him. I just want him to realize his love for me and come back and make it work..I just cannot breathe without thinking about him. I’m seeing therapist, but nothing is helping me. I am doomed for life.. We had nurtured this relation and made it so strong only to be broken! Please help…

    • This topic was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Niki.
    • This topic was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Niki.
    #125096

    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Niki,

    I am sorry it didn’t work out. Please read my message with an open mind.

    Yeah you were together for 7 years and knew eachother for 9 years. Your castes were the same but there were major cultural, economic differences. You were willing to adjust but he wasn’t. After 7 years, he chose them over you.

    Yet here you are saying that –

    You sacrificed your oppurtunities, potential to be with him. You would prefer to waste your education and oppurtunities to adjust in his house.

    And why so?

    Because you love him
    Because you were in relation for 7 years

    What about your parents?

    They are encouraging you to be self-reliant, they have looked after you since you were small and even swallowed their self-respect to listen to this guy’s family’s nonsensical demands about your economic independence. They tried hard to convince his family to put your abilities to use.

    And what are you doing here?

    Crying about some man who forgot his promise to be with you no matter what? What was he doing for 7 years? Playing angry birds on his phone? Immaturity is no excuse for serious decisions like this.

    Do you honestly think that an independent woman like you would have adjusted in that culture? Do you think that relationship is only about one person making every sacrifice? What about your own self respect?

    Now you are sitting at home, crying and upset, not willing to go out – cursing yourself for not marrying him

    Is your whole life and identity about love and a guy? Is that really the value system you have?

    If your boyfriend was really a strong, independent man, he wouldn’t have allowed his family to do this bullshit. Normally in India, people don’t get married because of caste problem, community different, religion different – then there is economic status difference – it’s a damn miracle things work out in love marriages unless both the partners are really strong and trust eachother.

    He did not trust your family’s intentions, he didn’t trust you either and allows them to control his gadget use – what is he? 16 years old?

    You deserve better. You are only 25 years old. Please stop thinking your life is over because a relationship didn’t work out. You would have been stuck with a weak man and had your education wasted had this worked out.

    Think about your family too for a change. Think about your career too. You can go to as many psychologists as you want but unless you get out of this “either it’s love or nothing” mindset, life will never move forward.

    I am very sorry I sounded so harsh, so blunt but I am tired of seeing women break down like this, give themselves away so much in a relationship. Never ever compromise on your self respect for a guy. He has to be willing to fight for you too. Your family tried. Think about how they must be suffering to see you like this, completely shattered.

    Regards
    Nina

    #125097

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Niki,

    I liken his parents and their traditions as like a dying virus. The virus always is stronger right before it dies. This kind of traditional mindset will be obsolete in a couple generations. But it’s stronger now in a few families like this as a counter-balance, I suppose, to more liberal arranged marriages.

    Anyway, Nina is right. This guy is in his twenties, but he is acting like a teenager. Don’t you see that if it weren’t for his parents he couldn’t survive? His wings will be clipped until they die, and then I bet he’ll grow up to be just like them to his children.

    You need an independent, worldly man.

    I know this man child was your everything, but if the bond was as great as you say he would have acted differently by now.

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but as the years go by you’ll realize what a bullet you dodged! His parents did you a favor, I think.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #125101

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Niki:

    I am sorry you are experiencing such pain and devastation.

    I have a question. You wrote: “He never introduced me to his family in these 7 years, they didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. On the other hand, everyone from my family knew about him including my parents.”

    How could it be that, in the course of seven years, it was not a great concern on your part, and on your family’s part, that he kept you a secret from his family?

    anita

    #125141

    Niki
    Participant

    I asked him this question many times, he always was so genuine in replying that his family was very strict and his parents would not approve this if we ever tell them before the time of getting married. Thus, he said we’ll wait for the time we are ready to get married and then he’ll tell them and explain them.

    And the way he was in the relationship for 7 years, he never gave me even one reason to doubt his intentions, he was always most understanding, caring and loving man that I could ask for. He was always more than that. At times, I thanked God for bringing such a person into my life.

    That is also why I am shattered, the person he was and the person he is right now, so much opposite. He has grown all cold for this, he has also asked his and our mutual friends to not talk about this matter so on & so forth, and to not tell him what I share with them. He does not want to hear about me anymore in this life, that he is done with me and this relation. I fail to believe how can someone who loved you to the moon & back, could suddenly turn so much cold and not care at all. He told them he can’t go against his parents and do not want to struggle for our relationship.

    I would have never given up on him ever, but I am broken how can he just give up just like that, like some random thing, that if once No then No..

    I know Nina & Inky are saying right things, to not depend on any man. But I have already done that and now it is really difficult for me to come out of this after so long, depending on him for my happiness and every thing. I doubt if Love is ever meant for me.. Maybe I’ll just be alone forever, no one will love me. If they do, they don’t marry me.. It is easy to say I love you, but when times come, they run in the opposite direction.. I am just directionless in my life.. I gave up everything for him and I’m left with nothing now.. It is too late..

    I feel so much worthless..I was not enough for him to marry, not good enough for him or his family.. I feel so small, so much worthless!

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Niki.
    #125144

    Niki
    Participant

    Also to add, as he said his parents were conservative, I had asked him many times if things go to an extreme level and his mother/father in case emotionally blackmails him, what would he do? He always told me he is their son and they would always support his happiness as parents.
    But I guess he never knew what his parents were capable of and he was probably running the relationship on a risk somewhere keeping me in dark.. that “he’ll try once, if not, then he’ll see” kind of attitude..

    All this is breaking me up right now !

    #125169

    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Niki,

    He is gone now. He didn’t fight for you. Doesn’t mean you are worthless though.

    Just means he is spineless and lacked maturity. We will see isn’t the right word to use after 7 years of relation and when marriage comes up.

    I have no sympathy for such bullshit by a 27 year old growwn man.

    He caved under pressure and blocked you out.

    Didn’t he know this pressure was going to come? He knew and yet he chose to become weak and dump you.

    I am honestly feeling angry right now. This man wasn’t worthy of you at all. You can’t see it right now but someday you will.

    The next couple of months will be tougher on you and you will feel more depressed. Try to leave the house sometimes and talk to your loved ones. Right now you need them the most.

    Regards
    Nina

    #125171

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Niki:

    I want to understand best I can what happened, having only your sharing on this thread to use for my understanding. I will summarize first: you and him where friends for 9 years, ever since you were 16 and he was 18. You were girlfriend/ boyfriend for 7 years, you 18-25; he was 20-27.

    You wrote that he was genuine and kind, caring, “understood me inside out,” that you “were inseparable” and “The thought of us getting apart would usually depress him and scare him to death.” You wrote the two of you planned a married life together in great details.

    He never introduced you to his family in these 7 years, they didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. On the other hand, everyone from your family knew about him including your parents.

    He told you that the reason he kept you as his girlfriend a secret from his parents is because his parents do not approve of him having a girlfriend except soon before marrying. His plan was to wait until the two of you “are ready to get married and then he’ll tell them and explain them.”

    * I am wondering what “explain them” means- the plan was that he will tell them that he dated you for seven years while keeping it a secret from them OR was the plan that he lies to them and say he just started dating you…

    And after 7 years the time has come to tell them. “His parents were taken aback, but accepted to meet my parents and me.”

    * If he told them that he dated you for seven years without their knowledge because he knew they would disapprove, that would explain why they would be “taken aback.”

    You wrote that his parents are “extremely rich” They told your parents that he doesn’t have to work much, having their money, I suppose, and that they don’t want his future wife to work, so that the future wife will be available to him at home.

    Your parents tried to persuade them to let you work, that you can help them in heir business, because they have educated you and you are extremely talented. Later your parents and you agreed that you will not be working once married, just as they wanted. Your uncle apologized to his father for not giving in to what they wanted (that you don’t work) right away, and asked him to “please to not break this relation”.

    “His dad said it is decision of elders and my bf is okay with it.” Then the boyfriend’s behavior changed. “And after 3 days, his father called up my Dad and told him they don’t want to go ahead with this. No reason was given, he said even my boyfriend was OKAY with that.” Next the boyfriend’s phone number and his social media accounts were deactivated.

    “When I asked about all the promises he made, he said he was immature all this time, now he has become practical. He said his dad’s BP dropped and he can’t chose me over them. He turned so much cold…”

    You also wrote: “His parents were somewhere against love marriages from the beginning”

    You also wrote: “I just feel it was my mistake that I spoke up about my job and work, I should have just accepted their demands and married him.”

    You wrote: “he loved me when they were not in the picture.”

    And last, you wrote: “He always told me he is their son and they would always support his happiness as parents.
    But I guess he never knew what his parents were capable of and he was probably running the relationship on a risk somewhere keeping me in dark..”

    This is getting long, so my thoughts based on this review, will follow in the very next post.

    anita

    #125173

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Niki:

    It is too crucial for my understanding to know your answer to my question: was his plan throughout your seven year relationship to wait until you and him were ready to get married and then –

    a. tell his parents that he just met you, or just became friends with you

    OR

    b. tell them that he has been having a bf/gf relationship with you for 7 years, keeping it a secret from them?

    OR

    c. something else?

    Will wait for your answer.

    anita

    #125193

    Hopeful Realist
    Participant

    Dearest Niki,

    I am so sorry for what this horrible jerk and his horrible parents have done to you.  I myself have had to go through something similar.  My ex’s parents were asian, also conservative despite one being Japanese and the other from Hong Kong, and refused to have anything other than asian grandchildren, which I, not being asian, could not give them.  So it is not unique to Indian culture or any other culture I think…  It seems to be simply an excuse used to control and manipulate their children.  There are a lot of similarities that I have experienced that you have also experienced, so I hope I can help with my experiences.

    First, I firmly believe from what you’ve said that his parents never, not even for a moment, ever accepted the possibility that their son would marry you.  The only reason they agreed to meet you and your parents was so that they could find a reason, any reason, to “logically” explain to their son why you are a bad/unfit/improper/not good enough/whatever person to marry.  Nobody in the world is perfect, so they could have found a way to criticize anyone. It doesn’t matter what you are really like.  They didn’t choose you for him, so you are automatically not good enough for them.  It doesn’t matter if you are fabulously gorgeous, incredibly brilliant, have won Nobel prizes in Peace, Literature, AND Science, because they did not choose you, you are not “good enough” and never will be.  That does not mean you are not good enough!!!  That simply means you are not controllable enough for them.  His parents clearly want control of their son and thus control over his wife too.  Because they didn’t choose you, they already “lost” some sense of control over him, and that is not acceptable to them.  Accept that no matter what you or your family and friends said, they were ****never**** going to accept you, but also know that it had nothing to do with you, your qualities, or your potential.

    With that said, I agree very much that you dodged a bullet.  When I was younger, I was also told that my ex and his parents did me a favor by leaving, and although it took me some time to see that for myself, I did eventually also find that to be true.  They, your ex’s parents AND your ex, are ROTTEN PEOPLE.

    Life gave them this test, and THEY failed it miserably.  Not you.  Not your parents, extended family, or friends.  You did very much to try bend over backwards to do anything it took to make this work, and they refused to acknowledge or work with that.  It sounds to me like maybe the parents would have threatened to disown their son if he chose to marry you.  And they blamed you for their health problems.  The same happened to me.  My mom’s ex had a stroke, and made their son believe it was because of our relationship.  Terrible parents use problems they would have had anyway as a weapon to manipulate their children and their feelings.  Your ex chose them over you, proving that he didn’t love you more than he allowed himself to be manipulated, BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  That is HIS failing, HIS incapacity to love deep enough, no matter what he said or how he acted.  When faced with this challenge, HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  Not you.  Nothing you could have done would have changed this. If he was good enough, he would have pushed back on his parents, defended you, and protected you. The fact that he didn’t proves HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You deserve a husband that would defend his family from anyone, including his parents. That’s his job.

    If you somehow had managed to marry him, the misery wouldn’t have ended.  If you raised wonderful children, they would say it was because of their good genes, not because of anything you did.  If any of your children had any problem at all, which, since life is not perfect, would be inevitable, they would blame you for those problems.  And what if either of you weren’t able to have kids? Because your ex, if you were married, would bow to his parents and not defend you, you would be constantly be degraded, dehumanized, and possibly crushed under the weight of it.  And the weight would be heavy.  I have next door neighbors who are also terrible. They are Latin American (again, it is not because of culture – stupid horrible people are stupid horrible people no matter what). They forced their son to get divorced after they had two kids, and then, when she got cancer, they pushed for a custody battle in which she lost custody. And then she died… She lost the will to fight. See how rotten people can be? You dodged that bullet!! You would also likely be in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.  And you don’t deserve that.  You deserve better!!!!

    Although it may seem that they are in the position of power, and from what it sounded like, they actively sought to act like they had all the power and you had none (which is what manipulative people want), you are now free of them.  And you walk away with MORE power than they have because you are blessed with better qualities than they have.  You are flexible.  You have a better relationship with your parents.  And you are loving, loving enough to sacrifice for someone else, which is true love. If you want later, you will be able to love someone else.  They have proven they are not capable of that.  But you have proven that you are!!!!  And that is not bad!  And because you have better qualities than they have, you will naturally find a better life than they can hope for.  Their money will not bring them happiness.

    There are some lessons that can be learned from this.  I have made a lot of the same mistakes, but now at least I can point them out and teach others not to go down bad paths before it gets worse.  The first lesson I have learned is that as a giving person, recognize that you should limit how much you should give to anyone before they commit equally to you.  If your parents know him very well, you should not allow **for any reason** that he keep his parents from you. One sign of true love is that you want everyone to know about it, no matter what the obstacles are or what people think. I also chose to limit myself to relationships of no more than one year before he commits to marriage or else I leave.  One year is enough for him to commit completely or not, and if in one year he’s not sure, I walk away. I have to, or I will give too much.

    Also, don’t worry that you are getting too old for marriage such that you marry the wrong person right away.  Be happy with yourself first.  Giving without receiving in return can leave you an empty shell of a person, so give yourself some time to build yourself up again.  Start working on your own career again.  Do things you enjoy and take the time to recognize what you are really good at. Find new things if you’re not sure or have forgotten.  Find friends or family that you feel good around and surround yourself with them.  I had a lot of mutual friends with my ex too, and I had to discuss this with my friends.  He ended the communication, but I decided he was dead to me.  I told them that I needed to trust that I could talk to them honestly without worrying that they were passing information or trying to be “go betweens” between us.  And yes, it meant I had to stay away from previous friends who I couldn’t trust to be true to me as a friend.  Those who chose to be friends with him I didn’t feel comfortable with anymore, at least until I had some time to heal and feel good about myself again.  But he should not be privy to ANY information about who you choose to date next, or even if you choose to date no one for awhile while you work on yourself.  You deserve to have some space to take care of yourself without his judgment or input of any kind, and that means putting an end to any info he receives about you.  But also don’t concern yourself with what he does next.  If he does end up getting married, it might make you wonder what she had that you didn’t – what made you not good enough.  But that’s not a fair comparison. Nothing you could have done would have changed the fact that HE is deficient, not you! So it doesn’t matter! Frankly, I feel sorry for whoever he ends up with.

    Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER forget the fact that he is the loser in this.  He lost you because of his own stupidity and choice to not stand up to his parents.  Let them have their money and their son.  They won’t have you, so it’s their loss.  You are awesome!  And you don’t need him!  If you wanted to, you wouldn’t need any guy to have a great life!  There are always good kids to adopt who would love a good mom if you wanted kids!  Plenty of people are happy and never get married. And if you decide later, you can go out and find a worthy soul who WILL fight for your love and WOULD defend your family, including from his parents!  The best is still to come, so don’t worry.  Take some time to fill yourself up again, and then later you can again go out and make the world a better place.  You’ve already got everything you need to do that.

    Wishing you the very best!  I know you can do it! You’re going to have a wonderful life because you are truly wonderful and loving!!!

    #125219

    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Niki,

    To let you know, I am from India too and I can understand your situation.
    What has happened with you is really unfortunate and I am totally with you.

    “I just feel it was my mistake that I spoke up about my job and work”
    This was bound to happen some time or the other, so it is not at all your mistake about speaking up.
    You are a complete human being and you too have your work preferences, desires, wishes, career aspirations.
    I am a male and I will tell you that you did the right thing. I will tell the same to my wife, daughter or sister.

    “I should have just accepted their demands and married him.”
    Absolutely not. Why should you be doing that? You should not be losing your individuality for something like this.
    It is said that – “Never marry the person you love, marry the person who loves you”.
    So if a person didn’t love and accept you at the right time, then is there a point in getting married to such a person?

    “Atleast I’d ‘ve been together with him”
    This is not called togetherness. In order for a bullock cart to be pulled properly, both the bullocks need to be in the same direction. If he doesn’t love you and it is simply you who do so then how is that going to pull the cart of your married life together?

    “I will never get someone like him who understands me, loves me so passionately, intensely that I forget I’m in this world.”
    Is this really true? Is he the only person in the entire universe who is (supposedly) so understanding and loving.

    “I doubt if Love is ever meant for me.. Maybe I’ll just be alone forever, no one will love me.”
    Can one relationship that did not work out as expected be the reason for you to not find love again. Not at all true.

    “he is my one true love..I cannot imagine loving or marrying someone else”
    Do you really think he is still your true love after what has happened?
    Yes the time in the past between both of you may bring up certain attached emotions, but consider yourself lucky that this incident has now opened your eyes and you came to know about this before the marriage.
    Just imagine how disturbed your life would have been if this behaviour from him would have come out after marriage, or even worse after bearing a child.

    Allow it to take some time to get over this.
    Cry out on what has happened. Simply cry out. Cry very hard till you accept. Then move on.
    Believe me you DO have a life waiting for you. Start getting back on track of your life. Start focusing on your job, get out, start doing things that you enjoy, love yourself and your immediate family more and more.
    Gradually things will start getting to be in place and soon you will realize that this was just a learning and a passing phase of your life.

    Take care,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  VJ.
    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  VJ.
    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  VJ.
    #125223

    Niki
    Participant

    Thanks for all the support.. It is helping me to look this in a different light…
    Yes, I have lost all my confidence and self-esteem.. I always had self-esteem issues, I was always in fear his mom would not like me, because I have a dark skin (in India, for traditional people, it is even today considered to be not good). I always shared with him this, he used to always tell me I have beautiful features no matter what my skin color is. But the way his mother was looking at me when we went at his place to meet them was very awkward.
    And now, whatever self-esteem I was left with, has gone. I just feel that he had accepted me the way I looked, but now, no one would do that. Because every man here wants a woman who is fairer and prettier. It is like some kind of competetion. I just feel I am ugly enough to not be liked my any man. He liked and loved me and that was very important for me. He is gone now and with him, my only chance at love or being accepted.

    Anita,
    He initially told his parents that we were together from 3 years because telling them 7 years, we did not know how would they react. So he told them we were together since 3 years. Still, they were shocked. I don’t know what would they have done if they came to know about 7 years..

    Also, all my social media accounts are pouring with my friends getting engaged or married or completing 4-5 mark of relationship.. All this is so much depressing. I just want to go somewhere and never return back..I just feel so much hopeless..

    I gave up a lot in 7 years, I could have done a lot in my career, could have gone abroad for studies, I wanted to study media and communications, but I rather did HR so that I can settle down with him and not travel..Now, I have nothing left with me. I lost him, I lost my dreams, I am not happy with my career, I lost my hopes and every damn thing..
    I am just so much depressed!

    #125227

    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear Niki,

    Fair skin obsession does exist in India, well to be precise in South Asia too. But here is the thing. Not everyone subscribes to this preference of beauty. I am from India too. Most of our population is on the relatively darker side except in parts of North.

    Here is the thing though – does that mean dark skinned girls aren’t beautiful? Does that mean they have less value in some way? Your mother in law would have been in a person with the most bat shit values possible. As one writer rightly pointed out, this was just a ploy for them to reject you.

    All ex-mother-in-law-to-be really wanted was a docile, perfect height, perfect complexion bahu for her Raja beta whom she can mould and control as per her wish.

    How would you feel if a friend came up to you and said “yaar Niki, I am dark, I will never find a guy. I have no value. My boyfriend’s mom dislikes me because of my complexion and that I am interested in having a career with a family too” – just think what you would say to her.

    Would you tell her “it’s okay yaar, you have to adjust. It doesn’t matter if you have dreams of your own. You are dark. You arent that special. No one will like you if you don’t adjust so much. Forget all these studies, this feminist shit – you should please your boyfriend’s family. Beyond him, there is nothing more to you anyway. So might as well go for him. You won’t get anyone else anyway”

    Imagine a close friend of yours in exactly this situation. How would the above words sound when you say to her?

    And regarding your desire to be in media and communications, come on girl, it’s you who has to apply for these courses. There are programs in MICA, Xaviers, IIMC- many more 1 year program. The admission time will come up soon for a number of then.

    Why don’t you stop crying that your life is over and start planning to take control?

    Okay you have HR background, what’s wrong in pursuing your own interest? So many go for MBA here in this country and switch fields. There are people doing MBA at 27, those two year program. What in Gods name is stopping you from switching your field?

    People apply for civils even at the age of 28+ and some even clear after taking big risks.

    Why are you being so negative so early in your life? Yeah you made mistakes, you dodged a bullet also by not marrying this hopeless man with his rather stone age mentality family.

    Start planning Niki, have you seen Guru or even Queen? Guru mai Sujata ran away from home to be with her guy. She was heartbroken when he ditched her despite all his fiery ideals. But she met Guru after that and he turned out to be a better partner for her. Life, where it goes who knows? But you can’t lose hope and break.

    Think of what happened in Queen. Rani was such a simple girl and Vijay broke her heart when he called off the wedding after so many years of relationship. But she took the hard way and went away, found herself again. She found her inner strength.

    Life will never stop Niki. This is a lesson for you to be brave. Problem was not in you. Problem was in them only. But it’s not at all too late you at all. You have to come out of this. There is a whole life waiting for you.

    Regards
    Nina

    #125238

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Niki:

    I feel sad reading your story- I view you (from reading your thread) as an honest, decent, trustworthy young woman who does not deserve such personal devastation. It makes me think how foolish of that man to not marry you, what a big loss it is for him. If you learn all you can learn from this 7-8 year experience, learn on a deep level, then you can proceed to live a better life. This personal devastation does not need to be the end. I would like it to be a beginning.

    Having reviewed your account best I can, it reads to me that the results of his parents meeting you and your parents/ family (uncle was involved somehow) was predetermined before any meeting took place. I think his parents had no intention to accept the relationship and move it toward marriage before they met you and your family, and it had nothing to do with your family members’ performance during those meetings.

    It is possible that your ex boyfriend was in on it himself. It is possible that he too knew the results ahead of time. I tend to think so because he didn’t fight them, so it seems, not at all. I think he knew that 3 years of dating to you without their knowledge wouldn’t have satisfied them, being the strict people they are.

    To me, as I understand it, your story is one of betrayal with a significant element of deceit.

    In your last post you mentioned your skin color. How sad it is that dishonesty and deceit is acceptable to these people- something they choose (being dishonest) and yet, skin color, not something of a person’s choosing, is considered unacceptable or inferior. Dishonesty, pretense, deceit- these behaviors are unacceptable and inferior.

    Back to this can be a beginning for you, a new beginning, a time for you to learn and make choices, with time and learning, when you are ready, maybe moving away and living elsewhere-

    What do you think/ feel?

    anita

    #125278

    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Niki,

    Here is a very useful link for you to go through for audios by Brahmakumari sister Shivani (an excellent person)-

    The audios are FREE.
    (http://omshantimusic.net/lectures-by-b-k-shivani)

    You can check out for yourself for various topics on the homepage, but some of the topics that I think can be useful for you are-
    SELF MANAGEMENT
    LIFE SKILLS
    DEPRESSION
    EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
    HAPPINESS INDEX

    Take care,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  VJ.
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