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Niki

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  • #137377
    Niki
    Participant

    Again, he came and after a lot of my resistance, he gave me hopes of a bright future with him. Just when I had begin to believe him, he again took a step back and ran away. This time, I feel it is for ever. I really do not know if it was my fault or mistake that I misunderstood him or took much time. But in all genuineness, I was utterly confused, and my state of mind was so much messed up that I could not think straight. I know, maybe he would also have been under stress, but if he came again, this time could have been different.

    It was just more than a week, I really really wanted to mend things and get back with him this time. My feelings of love and longing have magnified after he left second time. I don’t know the actual reason to it. It is like, when he came back, there was all this hurt and pain and feelings of betrayal. But as time went by and things started to settle down inside me and I started seeing that love again, he left by that time. I feel so much angry towards myself to let him go second time. Either I am a fool or a I am stupid.

    I have not option, but now to live my life as it is. Everything is again back to zero. And he is again, no where.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Niki.
    #137375
    Niki
    Participant

    Hi Anita, Nina..

    Thanks for your support and response.

    I am beyond broken now. Things drastically changes in last week. I asked for time from him, to process things and think. He got back to me after 3 days last Thursday, pressuring me to think fast or atleast meet up once, saying he fears his parents will again think negatively if I take longer time, as he had convinced them with great effort.

    I am currently on medications for depression, due to which I could not think straight, also things that happened these 3 months, the hurt and everything was beyond explainable in me.

     

    I spoke with him through texts, he explained me everything, saying except job, he will support me in everything I wish to do always. I poured my heart out to him in texts, stating everything I had been through, all the pain and hurt and everything. I also told him I am not able to trust him or believe him after what all he did. That day, a lot of heated discussions took place. I told him I need more time to think (It had only been 8-9 days that he came back).

     

    That night, I discussed with my parents, and decided to meet him once and go ahead; as I still love him and the feelings are mutual. I was so happy that night, again believing and planning things. Next morning as I woke, that distrust and fear grew on me, and I thought it would only be best to discuss it out with him. I thought and hoped he would understand and be patient with me and my state of mind. I do accept that I told him and pushed him a lot for what all he did, but I could not hold back my anger and hurt that time before.

    Anyways, he read my text and replied an hour or two later that morning with something shocking. He said “there is not much I can do in that case, I feel it is not working out for both of us, and it is only fitting to let it be and move on for both of our better futures. I spoke with my family yesterday night, & I have certain priorities towards them.” I asked what were his priorities he was talking about, to which he said – “My priority is my family & their priority as you and also your uncle have been informed before, that you should not work after marriage. But I think that is not convincing to your family, thus let us finish this.” I replied that I was ready to leave my job, to which he said “No please, it is too late now. And also, you do not trust me and your parents are also skeptical.” To which, I replied that as a girl’s parents, once things have happened, it takes time to place trust again and also asked him that did he expect he’ll come back suddenly and we all will be waiting here happily? To which he replied “Yes.” He also wrote “Let us finish this here once and for all. Better we don’t contact each other from now on. ”

    After this, I tried calling him multiple times, but he did not respond. Then, he blocked me everywhere, also blocked my mom and dad and also my sister-in-law, who texted him to speak to him.

    Later, my uncle called his father, and told him about his son’s behavior and this was not the way to go in and out of someone’s life. Later that night, his father texted my uncle saying – “As per discussion of kids, it is going nowhere. so it is a NO from out side and my son is also not interested in Niki nor marrying her anymore. Request her and your family to not contact him from now on.”

    I am beyond broken again, not knowing what to do. I somewhere feel it was my fault that I took much time to think or that I spilled my hurt to him, telling him things that pushed him away. I do not know why did he have to come back again if this was to happen again. I am full of regret of not saying Yes before he left, guilty that I spilled my hurt and pain to him that I took much time. I am literally blank.

    #129163
    Niki
    Participant

    And also, my father says he sees potential in him because he loves me as much, that he might change after marriage and start taking my stand. But how do I believe this? I am scared, really, really scared.

    #129161
    Niki
    Participant

    He is extremely emotionally talking to me now. That he cannot imagine life without me and wants to marry me and now he has with a lot of efforts convinced his parents. But I have lost my trust in his parents and him that he will ever support me in any case.
    I love him and want to marry him, but on which basis do I go ahead trusting him? I want whatever is good for me, whether it is marrying him or leaving him. I do not want to suffer for life in any case.

    #129153
    Niki
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I am currently in a lot of stress. He is texting me now daily asking me to meet him so that he can talk about future and all. But internally, I am not ready to even meet him.
    He is saying he is not well, even now he is having low bp. I told him not to emotionally blackmail me. He is saying he has to give answer to his parents, if I do not meet and tell him, they will think something negative. I mean, even right noe he is so much scared.
    I asked him why does he fear so much, the way his parents behaved with him, he said let old things be let us not discuss that. Said he has also gone through a lot in past and let it be there.

    My parents are explaining me that people change after marriage, that he might change for good and start speaking up for me. That his parents also could change for good. That he is their only son and financially stable. But how can I believe that it might happen? What about my wishes to work? His father said let her marry and come and set for some months then we’ll see what she can do. I am not able to believe them. I am scared.

    I love him, but I have lost my trust that as a husband, he will stand for me ever if things go wrong.

    When asked about this, he said after marriage, he will take side of his wife, but why would one take stand in family itself.

    Please help me…

    #128955
    Niki
    Participant

    Also when I asked him where he was when he left me, when I was struggling with betrayal and my emotions, he said that his father got ill and he could not leave him so he took that decision, that he got scared and did not know what else to do. He said he never really moved on. But if that was the case, he could have sent some word to me, could have asked me to take care, when our friends were visiting him, he did not even care to ask at that time if I was fine. How come suddenly all this love has come back I am unable to understand. And even now, he is behaving vaguely.

    #128953
    Niki
    Participant

    Hi, I am writing after a long time. There has been a lot of things that have happened, I am in a better state now.

    In these 3 months post, I have been through hell, going into depression with extreme anxiety and still fighting it. Been to therapist, took sessions and therapy still could not come out of it. Later on, I was sent to psychiatrist for clinical depression, and right now I am on medications for depression.

    And, the man is back in my life to wreak more havoc. His father called my uncle and asked to reconsider as their son is in bad health and not able to move on. He called me and asked for reconciliation, but terms are still the same – that I would quit my job after marriage and not work.

    I have to take a decision now, but now that I have been through so much, knowing he did not care for me these 3 months I was struggling with life, and still wants me back on their own terms, I am not able to take up any decision. He also told me that he loves me, wants to marry me and also said that all the sacrifices that I had made in past for our relationship, he did not stop me but he also did not motivate me to make those sacrifices. This hurts a lot, that after doing so much, I do not get any acknowledgement whatsoever.

    Yes, I am still in love with him, but also I am sacred for my future now. I have taken baby steps and started loving and respecting myself a little now. I still do not know what will my future hold, but I also have lost faith in him that he will stand by me or support me in future if things go wrong. I am so much drained I do not even feel like thinking anything right now. I don’t what what will happen in future, or what is in hold, but now I know I want what is good for me.

    I have asked for time from his side. I am so much drained that I do not know what to do. I want your suggestions and guidance on the same. Please Help…

    #125501
    Niki
    Participant

    Anita & VJ, thanks for your inputs.. I know he was not a right man for me. But now, the only thing I want to think is about my career and development. Relationship and marriage is off limits now.. I want to make up for all the years I have wasted pleasing him and sacrificing my career and goals.
    I want to move abroad for work, but I don’t know how would I do that, given that I already have completed my masters(mba) and am working since 2 years..I really don’t know it would be very difficult to move abroad (USA) now. Also, I am very frustrated with the fact that I could have made a wonderful life had I not sacrificed so much in the past. Because I now see so many of my cousins and friends settling down with wonderful guys and also move abroad, some have already established careers there.. For me, all this seems so much difficult and near to impossible now.

    I really don’t know what life has in store for me except regrets. I regret my past so much. I could have had an established career in US had I not given up on my dream to move there before 4 years. Life basically sucks right now..

    #125370
    Niki
    Participant

    Also, Thanks VJ – for sharing a perspective from a different angle that of Indian male. I always thought I was at blame for not accepting their demands head on and to have spoken up.
    But somewhere inside me, I feel everything kept aside, he was also with me since 7 years, and he should have at least spoken with me regarding this. Or to the least, stood up for his love (if it really was I doubt now), to his parents. I never wanted to him to run away with me from home because I know not to hurt anyone’s parents, but there were definitely ways it could have been possible, would have taken more time convincing them, but if he was as in love and adamant as me, then it would have.
    But the only fact that he did not gives away all the 7 years. I wonder if it was truly love or an infatuation dragged for 7 years (given his unstable and indecisive mind). Or that he is really that emotionally immature to not see what he really wants in love.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Niki.
    #125369
    Niki
    Participant

    Also, since childhood, I was extremely ambitious, I wanted to excel in my life like anything. But when I met my ex, I became much more patient, and started to think that not everybody gets everything in life and that was okay with me at-least I have him by my side. At-least one thing in my life was good – love.
    But now, even that seems to have been taken away, leaving me with exactly nothing except emptiness.
    I am really good with many things – I am good at writing (1 day, I would like to write a book), I am good at music, management, creativity and much more. But it is more like jack of all and master of none.
    This is all so much frustrating and my life is going nowhere. I am such a failure, I don’t know what to do with it really. I want success, I want love and a family. But I lost on everything.
    I just feel that I will live like this, failing everything and settling for less, marry someone whom I really don’t like that much but anyways marry, have kids and die a mediocre life. All these things are eating up my mind, I am left frustrated, all the negativity and darkness, no amount of talk or meditation or therapy can take away. I just feel like giving up on everything. I hate my life..

    #125368
    Niki
    Participant

    Currently, I am in a state of mind, where nothing looks good, whenever I think of my future, I become more depressed. My parents sat with me a day before and were helping me out as to what I would like to do in my life now.
    Frankly speaking, I want to do something in my life, become something and make my life worth it. But I am so much depressed, I don’t know if I’d be able to do that. I just feel I’ll make yet another failure.
    There are some plans my parents discussed with me for my future:
    1. Moving abroad – I always wanted to study and work and settle abroad (USA/Canada). But I have already completed my MBA here in India and working since 2 years. I don’t know on what basis do I go there, if I go for yet another Masters and then search for job, that’ll take a long time, and a lot of money. I don’t even know if I’ll get a job after Masters there. What if I don’t get admission abroad? What if I don’t get proper job there after studies? What if I am not able to adapt to another country? What if all my money goes in vain?

    2. Moving to another city for Job here in India – that’ll give me a change of environment, make me independent. But then again, it will be same living in this country. After some years, I have to meet someone in arranged marriage and marry him. I freak out by this thought itself. What if I just meet someone mediocre and have to marry him? What if I don’t get a proper guy and have to settle for less?

    3. Opting for another course in Media – If I pursue for exams and opt for another course, that will yet be more time consuming as I have to prepare for exams, and then go for the course and then start from scratch for job. This is also scary, as I will have to be back to zero, where I started after my bachelors.

    I am so much scared and depressed, that I have wasted some most precious years of my life, which was the right time to move abroad or do something to make my life. Now, I am left with nothing. Nothing seems good, and my future seems bleak.
    I have this constant fear that my life will be another failure throughout, that I will have to settle for mediocre things in life. I am so scared to go after my dreams of moving abroad or something that I don’t even want to try.

    I just fear I am not good enough for anything. I will fail in whatever I take up. I was never that good in academics. Yesterday, I was feeling suicidal as all I could see was this darkness in my life and future. I don’t feel like doing anything. The thing is, I actually am not willing to do anything, as I know I will fail in everything I do. My life is full of darkness I feel. I will live like this, marry some man and settle, and die. I just don’t know how to come out of this. Meaningless life it has become.
    I don’t even know what I really want to do and achieve in my life.

    #125223
    Niki
    Participant

    Thanks for all the support.. It is helping me to look this in a different light…
    Yes, I have lost all my confidence and self-esteem.. I always had self-esteem issues, I was always in fear his mom would not like me, because I have a dark skin (in India, for traditional people, it is even today considered to be not good). I always shared with him this, he used to always tell me I have beautiful features no matter what my skin color is. But the way his mother was looking at me when we went at his place to meet them was very awkward.
    And now, whatever self-esteem I was left with, has gone. I just feel that he had accepted me the way I looked, but now, no one would do that. Because every man here wants a woman who is fairer and prettier. It is like some kind of competetion. I just feel I am ugly enough to not be liked my any man. He liked and loved me and that was very important for me. He is gone now and with him, my only chance at love or being accepted.

    Anita,
    He initially told his parents that we were together from 3 years because telling them 7 years, we did not know how would they react. So he told them we were together since 3 years. Still, they were shocked. I don’t know what would they have done if they came to know about 7 years..

    Also, all my social media accounts are pouring with my friends getting engaged or married or completing 4-5 mark of relationship.. All this is so much depressing. I just want to go somewhere and never return back..I just feel so much hopeless..

    I gave up a lot in 7 years, I could have done a lot in my career, could have gone abroad for studies, I wanted to study media and communications, but I rather did HR so that I can settle down with him and not travel..Now, I have nothing left with me. I lost him, I lost my dreams, I am not happy with my career, I lost my hopes and every damn thing..
    I am just so much depressed!

    #125144
    Niki
    Participant

    Also to add, as he said his parents were conservative, I had asked him many times if things go to an extreme level and his mother/father in case emotionally blackmails him, what would he do? He always told me he is their son and they would always support his happiness as parents.
    But I guess he never knew what his parents were capable of and he was probably running the relationship on a risk somewhere keeping me in dark.. that “he’ll try once, if not, then he’ll see” kind of attitude..

    All this is breaking me up right now !

    #125141
    Niki
    Participant

    I asked him this question many times, he always was so genuine in replying that his family was very strict and his parents would not approve this if we ever tell them before the time of getting married. Thus, he said we’ll wait for the time we are ready to get married and then he’ll tell them and explain them.

    And the way he was in the relationship for 7 years, he never gave me even one reason to doubt his intentions, he was always most understanding, caring and loving man that I could ask for. He was always more than that. At times, I thanked God for bringing such a person into my life.

    That is also why I am shattered, the person he was and the person he is right now, so much opposite. He has grown all cold for this, he has also asked his and our mutual friends to not talk about this matter so on & so forth, and to not tell him what I share with them. He does not want to hear about me anymore in this life, that he is done with me and this relation. I fail to believe how can someone who loved you to the moon & back, could suddenly turn so much cold and not care at all. He told them he can’t go against his parents and do not want to struggle for our relationship.

    I would have never given up on him ever, but I am broken how can he just give up just like that, like some random thing, that if once No then No..

    I know Nina & Inky are saying right things, to not depend on any man. But I have already done that and now it is really difficult for me to come out of this after so long, depending on him for my happiness and every thing. I doubt if Love is ever meant for me.. Maybe I’ll just be alone forever, no one will love me. If they do, they don’t marry me.. It is easy to say I love you, but when times come, they run in the opposite direction.. I am just directionless in my life.. I gave up everything for him and I’m left with nothing now.. It is too late..

    I feel so much worthless..I was not enough for him to marry, not good enough for him or his family.. I feel so small, so much worthless!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Niki.
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