February 24, 2017 at 12:18 am #129163
And also, my father says he sees potential in him because he loves me as much, that he might change after marriage and start taking my stand. But how do I believe this? I am scared, really, really scared.February 24, 2017 at 3:17 am #129167Nina SakuraParticipant
I suggest you go talk to him first. Do not rush into marriage. That’s the last thing you should do now. Until he is able to win back your trust, don’t make any commitment like this. He will say lot of emotional stuff to you but his actions speak louder than words. Let his actions be good enough for you to trust him again.
This is a suggestion from my side – Ask him to first convince his family to let you work. Make sure this is said in front of your parents with other people in a public gathering. If they don’t agree, he should live away from them and continue doing his duties as a son – simply not living in the same house. If being with you and respecting you is so important to him, he can do this.
Rest is up to you. I don’t believe in the logic that a guy changes after marriage to stand up for you. If he can’t even do it now, when will he? This change your dad is talking of happens in Hindi movies. His family has done enough to control him. It’s time he actually shows if he is serious. Very easy to say sweet words after causing you so much pain. Don’t buy his words so literally.February 24, 2017 at 8:30 am #129181
You wrote: ” He is saying he has to give answer to his parents, if I do not meet and tell him, they will think something negative. I mean, even right noe he is so much scared.”- excellent observation on your part.
“I asked him why does he fear so much, the way his parents behaved with him, he said let old things be let us not discuss that. Said he has also gone through a lot in past and let it be there.”- his answer would be very unacceptable for me, if I was you. What he calls “old things” are present things, not past and gone. He is still afraid of his parents, still not in control of his own life. He doesn’t want to discuss that? if you accept that and marry him, there will be a lot going on in your head that you will not be able to discuss with him, turmoil, conflict. You turn to him, and his answer: “Let us not discuss that.”
Your parents’ prediction that he will change after marriage is very unreliable. He is very likely to continue to be under their control, financial and otherwise, for as long as they live, or for as long as he lives.
Save yourself. I see the situation as such that you are in danger, in danger of a life of misery. I understand that his family is wealthy and that is a great attraction, for your parents, at the least. Most people are attracted to financial wealth. But if you are able to support yourself financially, to work, make your own money, take care of your material needs- you will be much better off not marrying him.
And so, my strong recommendation to you is- do not go back into a relationship with him. Your trust in him is broken for a reason: he broke it and … he doesn’t want to discuss it.
Next, I will re-read your previous posts and write to you again. I am interested in seeing if I can come up with more insight.
anitaFebruary 24, 2017 at 9:49 am #129191
I studied your posts from the beginning of this thread.
In a most recent post, you wrote: “I want whatever is good for me, whether it is marrying him or leaving him. I do not want to suffer for life in any case.”- I believe this is an excellent objective. Focusing on this objective, you have to accept that your past sacrifices for the relationship cannot be undone, time cannot be reversed and you can’t make up for lost time. Those losses have to be accepted. The goal is not to lose more time, more opportunities.
And now, this is my current understanding of who he is and what happened:
Who he was before telling his parents about the relationship with you, that man, is gone. You will never get him back.
Who was he before he told his parents? The most loving boyfriend you can ask for, a dream come true. Or so it seemed. I will explain: all through the years before he told his parents, he knew there will be trouble once he told them, that he will most likely be forced to withdraw from the relationship once they are told.
He knew it all along. He gave you a clue about it by a thing or two that he said. But he was not honest with you. He was not straight forward with you about this most important element: he knew that most likely, he will end the relationship once his parents were told.
He knew but he didn’t tell you. He loved you and behaved lovingly toward you, that was not a lie. But at the same time he was already okay, all those years, with ending the relationship. He enjoyed it for as long as he could, postponing the ending. This is his deceit and betrayal of you. He watched you making your sacrifices, knowing they are most likely for nothing, and he let you make them, later to express lack of responsibility for it (he “said that all the sacrifices that I had made in past for our relationship, he did not stop me but he also did not motivate me to make those sacrifices).
It was something like this: a kid wants to play in the playground, but his parents do not allow him, so he sneaks outside his home to the playground and plays. He knows that once his parents find out, he will not be able to play anymore. So he plays and enjoys it the best he can. He meets a friend on the playground and loves her. But he knows once his parents find out, he will not be able to come back to the playground. But he doesn’t tell the friend. He tells her he will always play with her. The friend makes many sacrifices so she can be at the playground to play with him and he lets her, knowing all along, this will be temporary.
You wrote: “In between all these, my bf’s behavior had changed so much…he was something else… he never talked with me like this…He turned so much cold…the person he was and the person he is right now, so much opposite. He has grown all cold”-
and this is the fascinating part (for me)- he was always that cold. What he was and what he became were not two different people. The behavior was opposite but the person was the same. He was cold all along, because he knew what was to come (as most likely, almost certainly)-
You wrote: “he loved me when they were not in the picture”- correction: he BEHAVED most lovingly when they were not in the picture, knowing once they were in the picture, this will all be over.
What led to the latest development? According to him, his father’s blood pressure led to him siding with his father and ending the relationship and his own blood pressure led his father to reverse his decision and let a relationship start again. I see that dishonesty again, what you termed emotional-blackmail.
My summary/ conclusion: Love is as true and as real as the person who is doing the loving. When a person is dishonest, deceitful, for so long, the nature of the love, the truth of it, the reliability of it cannot be separated from the person doing the loving.
anitaMarch 8, 2017 at 1:11 am #137375
Hi Anita, Nina..
Thanks for your support and response.
I am beyond broken now. Things drastically changes in last week. I asked for time from him, to process things and think. He got back to me after 3 days last Thursday, pressuring me to think fast or atleast meet up once, saying he fears his parents will again think negatively if I take longer time, as he had convinced them with great effort.
I am currently on medications for depression, due to which I could not think straight, also things that happened these 3 months, the hurt and everything was beyond explainable in me.
I spoke with him through texts, he explained me everything, saying except job, he will support me in everything I wish to do always. I poured my heart out to him in texts, stating everything I had been through, all the pain and hurt and everything. I also told him I am not able to trust him or believe him after what all he did. That day, a lot of heated discussions took place. I told him I need more time to think (It had only been 8-9 days that he came back).
That night, I discussed with my parents, and decided to meet him once and go ahead; as I still love him and the feelings are mutual. I was so happy that night, again believing and planning things. Next morning as I woke, that distrust and fear grew on me, and I thought it would only be best to discuss it out with him. I thought and hoped he would understand and be patient with me and my state of mind. I do accept that I told him and pushed him a lot for what all he did, but I could not hold back my anger and hurt that time before.
Anyways, he read my text and replied an hour or two later that morning with something shocking. He said “there is not much I can do in that case, I feel it is not working out for both of us, and it is only fitting to let it be and move on for both of our better futures. I spoke with my family yesterday night, & I have certain priorities towards them.” I asked what were his priorities he was talking about, to which he said – “My priority is my family & their priority as you and also your uncle have been informed before, that you should not work after marriage. But I think that is not convincing to your family, thus let us finish this.” I replied that I was ready to leave my job, to which he said “No please, it is too late now. And also, you do not trust me and your parents are also skeptical.” To which, I replied that as a girl’s parents, once things have happened, it takes time to place trust again and also asked him that did he expect he’ll come back suddenly and we all will be waiting here happily? To which he replied “Yes.” He also wrote “Let us finish this here once and for all. Better we don’t contact each other from now on. ”
After this, I tried calling him multiple times, but he did not respond. Then, he blocked me everywhere, also blocked my mom and dad and also my sister-in-law, who texted him to speak to him.
Later, my uncle called his father, and told him about his son’s behavior and this was not the way to go in and out of someone’s life. Later that night, his father texted my uncle saying – “As per discussion of kids, it is going nowhere. so it is a NO from out side and my son is also not interested in Niki nor marrying her anymore. Request her and your family to not contact him from now on.”
I am beyond broken again, not knowing what to do. I somewhere feel it was my fault that I took much time to think or that I spilled my hurt to him, telling him things that pushed him away. I do not know why did he have to come back again if this was to happen again. I am full of regret of not saying Yes before he left, guilty that I spilled my hurt and pain to him that I took much time. I am literally blank.March 8, 2017 at 1:22 am #137377
Again, he came and after a lot of my resistance, he gave me hopes of a bright future with him. Just when I had begin to believe him, he again took a step back and ran away. This time, I feel it is for ever. I really do not know if it was my fault or mistake that I misunderstood him or took much time. But in all genuineness, I was utterly confused, and my state of mind was so much messed up that I could not think straight. I know, maybe he would also have been under stress, but if he came again, this time could have been different.
It was just more than a week, I really really wanted to mend things and get back with him this time. My feelings of love and longing have magnified after he left second time. I don’t know the actual reason to it. It is like, when he came back, there was all this hurt and pain and feelings of betrayal. But as time went by and things started to settle down inside me and I started seeing that love again, he left by that time. I feel so much angry towards myself to let him go second time. Either I am a fool or a I am stupid.
I have not option, but now to live my life as it is. Everything is again back to zero. And he is again, no where.
March 8, 2017 at 7:30 am #137551
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Niki.
If you keep your eyes closed to what has been and is really going on, then you will let this relationship define the rest of your life, and you will live as a victim of this seven year relationship ending. You will keep blaming yourself for what is not your doing, leading a life of misery.
But if you open your eyes, there is hope for a wonderful life for you.
The most recent behavior on his part is congruent with the last post I wrote you, which I don’t think you read or, if you did, you did not consider it. I will re-write it here, inserting the new development into it, and adding to it (and I sure hope you can be calm enough before you read the following, please do calm yourself, take deep breaths, take a walk beforehand, a hot bath, a hot tea, whatever it takes):
IF your (and your family’s) goal was to marry a man of financial means, wealth, regardless of his nature, regardless of the quality of the relationship and your-misery-to-follow, then you did miss your chance here. You may not have the opportunity to date a man/family of equal financial status. You may, but my not.
IF your goal was to marry a loving man, one with whom you will have a loving, healthy relationship, then you just avoided settling into a miserable life with an unloving man. Now you do have the chance to meet a man who will be loving and with whom you will be content.
He is not who you thought and believed he was. He is not who your family thought and believed he was. You have to make the changes in your thinking and believing so to fit reality.
The man was not and is not honest with you. He was not and is not loyal to you, nor is he trustworthy or warm. He appeared those things only in the context of BEFORE his parents were notified and he knew of that context. He knew all along that they will disapprove, or are very likely to disapprove.
He blocked you twice, coldly, heartlessly- and this is who he is, cold. If you married him, this would be what you would have experience- cold. You would continue to blame yourself, your behavior for his coldness, not realizing he was cold all along.
anitaMarch 8, 2017 at 11:53 pm #137869TaiParticipant
I can empathize with your pain, and I understand that right now, you feel lost and broken. I went through a similar scenario last year. While we only dated for a year, it did not hurt any less. He also promised me many things – arranged marriage would not be an issue, my non-South Indian background is fine, his parents would just want him to be happy, he acted single/hid me because he did not want his friends to gossip at work, etc. Sound a little bit familiar? Please know that I am not trying to generalize your pain, but these spineless men are more common than we imagine, and only during hardships, do they show you who they truly are – which is not who you thought you knew.
You still love him deeply, and hence may feel a lot of confusion toward his behavior and words, but what he has told you and shown you are very clear – 1) He will always prioritize his parents over you 2) He will not defend you in times of hardship 3) He will step into and out of your life as he pleases without a regard for your feelings. There is nothing confusing about this. It’s hard to let these facts sink in because this is the same person who told you he will love you unconditionally. Do not waste more sleepless nights thinking about his intentions…because regardless of what his intentions were for any of his actions, reality is that he hurt you and continues to hurt you.
He sounds confused too. On one hand, he would like to be the poster-child son to his parents. On the other hand, I’m sure 7 years is not easy to let go of; however, be selfish and do not consider his feelings nor the predicament he may be in. It sounds like he is in this limbo and depending on the day, he may feel one way or another. You cannot continue to wait on him, hoping that he will ultimately choose you. You do not want a man who did not choose you in the first place. You may think that marriage will provide the security and assurance you lack right now. Marriage is only a title, and marriage certainly does not fix character flaws. As others have commented, if an issue divides you and his family after marriage, he has already told you that he will choose his family.
What can you do to move on? First, you must respect yourself enough to close this chapter of your life. Your heart may not agree, but you know deep down that you can never trust him the same way. You have spent 7-9 years supporting him. It is time to spend the next 7-9 years bettering yourself. Pursue the education and career that you have suppressed because you were so focused on his happiness. If you invested this much time and love in yourself, your self-esteem would surely improve. It is not easy and it will not happen overnight, and make take months or years; however, do not let the length of this journey or fear stop you from moving forward. You are not alone. You have family and friends who love and care for you. You have the support of this community. He should not be the only thing that makes your life complete.
I learned through my experience that the greatest love I can receive is the love I create, grow, and nurture that comes from myself. This is the only love that I can guarantee to have forever. People come and go, and we must learn to not attach all of our happiness to others. If we do, what do we have when these people are no longer in our lives?
Please be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself. See where you can take yourself in the coming year.March 9, 2017 at 8:44 am #138251Nina SakuraParticipant
Hi Niki, kindly read the comments posted by the other members. And if possible, acknowledge their effort to help you.
March 28, 2017 at 9:26 pm #142651BubbaParticipant
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Nina Sakura.
I read your story and I am so sorry you are going tbeough this. I am going through something very similar. I hope you find the answers you are searching for and healing. I know you probably know what the best thing to do is because you feel it inside but you are still in love with him and it hurts like nothing else. You feel like someone stabbed you in the heart, the person who you believed in hurt you so bad. You feel betrayed, hurt, worthless and think that you are the one to blame. We have to get through this and have hope that one day we will not feel this agony and excruciating pain. I know how it feels, I really wanna post my story because I really need advice as well. They are currently not taking submissions so I will paste it here please someone tell me/share with me some advice.
PLEASE READ MY STORY <3
I was dating my ex fiance when he got stationed out of state for a job. We continued a long distance relationship because I was not ready to move right away.
We decided that we loved each other and wanted were serious about each other and I moved out there with him because it was easier for me to move. I left my job, school family and friends. We had arguments here and there like any couple but most of them were because his parents were intruding into our relationship and wanted to control his life and random petty arguments once in a blue moon.
We got engaged after 2 years (lived together for 3, so 5 total) and his parents (his mom) changed completely but never said she did not want us together. His parents never mentioned anything about the wedding (plans) and never even brought it up. I was afraid to talk to them about my ideas because of their actions. I talked to me ex F about it instead.
He is very close to his family and uses their judgment/advice when he makes decisions. i did not think that he was under so much control until this occured.
My ex fiance and I agred on a wedding, date and location. He checked with his parents and I checked with mine. They were all okay with the date and location. His parents visited us for Xmas and I gave them invitations to invite their friends (their reaponse was we don’t have anyone to invite). They left and never even took the invitations with them. 3 months before the wedding his parents called him and told him they felt insulted by my parents at a party and that they werent coming to the wedding.
Before he advised me of his parents statement he said “we got a big problem”.
His parents and my parents are friends (18 yrs) btw and were friends before him and I started dating. They shouldve went to my parents and talked about any issues they had (them made stuff up) but instead they came to him and told him they were not going to the wedding because of it.
My ex fiance came to me and asked me to ask my parents what happened and to ask them to call his parents to work it out. I did, my parents called his parents, but they did not answer their phone, my parents left a voicemail. They never called them back.
My ex fiance and I started arguing, it caused tension and arguments between us. (I truly believe they wanted this) They brainwashed him/manipulated and put into his head all of these negative thoughts about me and my family.
He started to believe them and that they wanted the best for him and told me that if his parents don’t come to the wedding that he cant come either. I paid the deposit and for my dress and etc btw. Also all invitations were sent.
We tried to find a solution but I did nit know what else to do, I felt like his parents were critizing me and my family and placing their views and ideas inside his brain. He started to see me as this evil person because I told him “can’t you see they are trying to tear us apart”. I asked him what I can do but we had nothing because his parents were the only ones who could change anything but refused to call my parents back.
I was fed up of crying and thinking that our wedding will be canceled because of his parents and that he actually would allow that. He couldn’t put his foot down, the more frustrating thing was that he was blind and unaware of what his parents were doing.
I felt like he should have stood up to them and told them that we wanted them at the wedding but the choice is theirs and their reasoning was not enough for a dramatic scene like this. He started taking their side, I started losing patience and was arguing with him. I gave him an ultimatum, if he cancels the wedding because of this we are done.
Postponing it did not mean anything, his parents wanted to break us up and if they did not come to that wedding was I sopposed to sit and wait for them to decide when they will stop being mad?
He came back the next day from work and said we werent meant to be together and did not want to try to work on things at all.
He did not blame his reasoning on his parents but he blamed it on me. He told me my attitude and actions/over reactions in all our arguments were the reason and that we cant communicate. He also said his gut feeling was telling him something but he still loved me. I had an anxiety attack, I did not expect this from a guy that was kind to me that loved me and all of a sudden was having a gut feeling. I poured my heart out to him telling him that I loved him unconditionally and he said he would think about it. He came back the following day with the same solution, that we weren’t meant to be. I believe he spoke to his prents again and they decided for him.
He also asked for his ring and a expensive watch he gave me and asked me what I was taking from our home.
He had a hard time saying all this, his words were trembling and his eyes were bloodsbot. He said he loved me with his heart but his gut feeling was telling him we werent compatible. & he basically said he wrote down all of my good qualities vs bad ones on a piece of paper and thought about it.
I was in the process of moving out and had broken down a few more times and asked him was he sure, because I couldnt believe it. He said he was sure and that his parents had nothing to do with the decision he made. 2 weeks passed and he said I confirmed any doubts he had by my actions (I had to leave for 2 weeks because of the pain I was going through) he also said his feelings changed for me and that he wasn’t in love with me.
I can’t believe that because this guy was picking a wedding cake with me 3 days before his parents said they weren’t coming to the wedding. He was happy and excited and even ordered some wedding bands that we could wear when doing sports activities. He was drawing sketches of what he thought we ahould do for our favors.
I will never understand his actions and how can you hurt a person you loved for five years and tell them you dont love them 3 months before your wedding. It will never make sense, because everything was ok before his parents stirred the pot.
What i just wrote does not sound like the man I knew for 6 years. Never before has he said anything so hurtful to me.
Its been two months I moved most of my stuff out but I cant seem to understand what happened to my relationship, I am hurting.
Please give me your opinions/advice.
Thank you so much, <3.
Sent from my iPhoneJanuary 23, 2019 at 8:17 pm #276525
Hi Nikki, can you update us with how things are going now? I just read all the ladies posts and
I myself am going through this hell you ladies went through. If anyone wants to talk pls let me know. I am just trying to heal reading stories and realizing I’m not the only one this happened to. I’m in the phase of keeping hope.January 23, 2019 at 10:27 pm #276535
‘bubba’, what culture are u from?
from ur story it seems to be that his parents already didn’t want the wedding because they did not even take the invitations that’s a red flag.
What did ur parents say about this matter?January 24, 2019 at 1:36 am #276541anjum nikloParticipant
Dear , Nikki
I went through exact same situations like you . Where my bf of many years never officially introduced me to his family .But at the same time he was very caring and loving so I never doubted his intention . So after many years when we told our respective families , his family didnt approve of our relationship and he broke up with me stating same reason that his Mother got Low BP and he can’t choose me over her . I
was almost reaching 29 and had spent and invested all my youth on him and relationship . I was getting depressed seeing everyone getting married and finding right partners .
And same like you even I use to think I’ve lost love of my life , he is perfect partner and I will never get some one as nice as him .
I also missed many opportunities like studying abroad because of him
He was also rich and only Son so his would say his parents will not go against his happiness
our stories are almost same till here but after 2-3 months of feeling bad about our fate plus fearing that I will never get someone like him I started living my life and invested in making myself a better . I went for holidays with girls and focused on my career .
He started contacting me and started planning for I future . I said I’m not ready to go back in relationship and he is still begging me but honestly I am kinda over with him . I can never feel the same after all what he did to me .
In one year I got a very fancy job , Name and fame .
So my point is please focus on yourself and invest in yourself . We can never put control of our happiness in someone else’s hand .
Right now I feel so relieved that I’m not with him and his obnoxious family .
Because the pride and happiness that you earn it for yourself is a different feeling . It can’t be compared to the one borrowed from marrying someone nice and rich .
You are very young and very talented ! You can do wonders . Just go out and Live your life .
He will come running to you but he won’t if he feels like you are still weak and crying after him . It shouldn’t be like this , ideally but it’s always like this .
if he gets a feeling that you are having fun, growing and making a good life for yourself . He will regret his decisions even if he doesn’t come begging you out of shame .
nikkiJanuary 24, 2019 at 6:10 pm #276713
Hi anjum. How many years were u with him?
I am glad someone wrote on this forum bcuz I m going through severe depression and need to chat with someone going through same thing.January 25, 2019 at 10:52 am #276897
* Dear Nita: if you want to start your own thread so to get more replies, click Forums at the top, then choose a Category from the list of categories, click on it, scroll down the page and type into the empty boxes. I will be glad to read from you and reply to you there.