Hopeful Realist

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    Hopeful Realist

    Dearest Niki,

    I am so sorry for what this horrible jerk and his horrible parents have done to you.  I myself have had to go through something similar.  My ex’s parents were asian, also conservative despite one being Japanese and the other from Hong Kong, and refused to have anything other than asian grandchildren, which I, not being asian, could not give them.  So it is not unique to Indian culture or any other culture I think…  It seems to be simply an excuse used to control and manipulate their children.  There are a lot of similarities that I have experienced that you have also experienced, so I hope I can help with my experiences.

    First, I firmly believe from what you’ve said that his parents never, not even for a moment, ever accepted the possibility that their son would marry you.  The only reason they agreed to meet you and your parents was so that they could find a reason, any reason, to “logically” explain to their son why you are a bad/unfit/improper/not good enough/whatever person to marry.  Nobody in the world is perfect, so they could have found a way to criticize anyone. It doesn’t matter what you are really like.  They didn’t choose you for him, so you are automatically not good enough for them.  It doesn’t matter if you are fabulously gorgeous, incredibly brilliant, have won Nobel prizes in Peace, Literature, AND Science, because they did not choose you, you are not “good enough” and never will be.  That does not mean you are not good enough!!!  That simply means you are not controllable enough for them.  His parents clearly want control of their son and thus control over his wife too.  Because they didn’t choose you, they already “lost” some sense of control over him, and that is not acceptable to them.  Accept that no matter what you or your family and friends said, they were ****never**** going to accept you, but also know that it had nothing to do with you, your qualities, or your potential.

    With that said, I agree very much that you dodged a bullet.  When I was younger, I was also told that my ex and his parents did me a favor by leaving, and although it took me some time to see that for myself, I did eventually also find that to be true.  They, your ex’s parents AND your ex, are ROTTEN PEOPLE.

    Life gave them this test, and THEY failed it miserably.  Not you.  Not your parents, extended family, or friends.  You did very much to try bend over backwards to do anything it took to make this work, and they refused to acknowledge or work with that.  It sounds to me like maybe the parents would have threatened to disown their son if he chose to marry you.  And they blamed you for their health problems.  The same happened to me.  My mom’s ex had a stroke, and made their son believe it was because of our relationship.  Terrible parents use problems they would have had anyway as a weapon to manipulate their children and their feelings.  Your ex chose them over you, proving that he didn’t love you more than he allowed himself to be manipulated, BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  That is HIS failing, HIS incapacity to love deep enough, no matter what he said or how he acted.  When faced with this challenge, HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  Not you.  Nothing you could have done would have changed this. If he was good enough, he would have pushed back on his parents, defended you, and protected you. The fact that he didn’t proves HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You deserve a husband that would defend his family from anyone, including his parents. That’s his job.

    If you somehow had managed to marry him, the misery wouldn’t have ended.  If you raised wonderful children, they would say it was because of their good genes, not because of anything you did.  If any of your children had any problem at all, which, since life is not perfect, would be inevitable, they would blame you for those problems.  And what if either of you weren’t able to have kids? Because your ex, if you were married, would bow to his parents and not defend you, you would be constantly be degraded, dehumanized, and possibly crushed under the weight of it.  And the weight would be heavy.  I have next door neighbors who are also terrible. They are Latin American (again, it is not because of culture – stupid horrible people are stupid horrible people no matter what). They forced their son to get divorced after they had two kids, and then, when she got cancer, they pushed for a custody battle in which she lost custody. And then she died… She lost the will to fight. See how rotten people can be? You dodged that bullet!! You would also likely be in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.  And you don’t deserve that.  You deserve better!!!!

    Although it may seem that they are in the position of power, and from what it sounded like, they actively sought to act like they had all the power and you had none (which is what manipulative people want), you are now free of them.  And you walk away with MORE power than they have because you are blessed with better qualities than they have.  You are flexible.  You have a better relationship with your parents.  And you are loving, loving enough to sacrifice for someone else, which is true love. If you want later, you will be able to love someone else.  They have proven they are not capable of that.  But you have proven that you are!!!!  And that is not bad!  And because you have better qualities than they have, you will naturally find a better life than they can hope for.  Their money will not bring them happiness.

    There are some lessons that can be learned from this.  I have made a lot of the same mistakes, but now at least I can point them out and teach others not to go down bad paths before it gets worse.  The first lesson I have learned is that as a giving person, recognize that you should limit how much you should give to anyone before they commit equally to you.  If your parents know him very well, you should not allow **for any reason** that he keep his parents from you. One sign of true love is that you want everyone to know about it, no matter what the obstacles are or what people think. I also chose to limit myself to relationships of no more than one year before he commits to marriage or else I leave.  One year is enough for him to commit completely or not, and if in one year he’s not sure, I walk away. I have to, or I will give too much.

    Also, don’t worry that you are getting too old for marriage such that you marry the wrong person right away.  Be happy with yourself first.  Giving without receiving in return can leave you an empty shell of a person, so give yourself some time to build yourself up again.  Start working on your own career again.  Do things you enjoy and take the time to recognize what you are really good at. Find new things if you’re not sure or have forgotten.  Find friends or family that you feel good around and surround yourself with them.  I had a lot of mutual friends with my ex too, and I had to discuss this with my friends.  He ended the communication, but I decided he was dead to me.  I told them that I needed to trust that I could talk to them honestly without worrying that they were passing information or trying to be “go betweens” between us.  And yes, it meant I had to stay away from previous friends who I couldn’t trust to be true to me as a friend.  Those who chose to be friends with him I didn’t feel comfortable with anymore, at least until I had some time to heal and feel good about myself again.  But he should not be privy to ANY information about who you choose to date next, or even if you choose to date no one for awhile while you work on yourself.  You deserve to have some space to take care of yourself without his judgment or input of any kind, and that means putting an end to any info he receives about you.  But also don’t concern yourself with what he does next.  If he does end up getting married, it might make you wonder what she had that you didn’t – what made you not good enough.  But that’s not a fair comparison. Nothing you could have done would have changed the fact that HE is deficient, not you! So it doesn’t matter! Frankly, I feel sorry for whoever he ends up with.

    Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER forget the fact that he is the loser in this.  He lost you because of his own stupidity and choice to not stand up to his parents.  Let them have their money and their son.  They won’t have you, so it’s their loss.  You are awesome!  And you don’t need him!  If you wanted to, you wouldn’t need any guy to have a great life!  There are always good kids to adopt who would love a good mom if you wanted kids!  Plenty of people are happy and never get married. And if you decide later, you can go out and find a worthy soul who WILL fight for your love and WOULD defend your family, including from his parents!  The best is still to come, so don’t worry.  Take some time to fill yourself up again, and then later you can again go out and make the world a better place.  You’ve already got everything you need to do that.

    Wishing you the very best!  I know you can do it! You’re going to have a wonderful life because you are truly wonderful and loving!!!

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