I also try to get up before the heat builds up, it has never been so bad. Never been so hot, the weather never been so unstable. I blame it on the global warming. It has never been so unstable regarding so many subjects. I feel like we’re experiencing the utter entropy these days, everything is going bad. But it’s weird that besides the economy, the weather, the politics that are going bad, everything in my life is slowly going more stable. I feel like I’m growing up faster than ever, or I did grew up in the past but only now I have the chance to have the embodiments in my everyday life.

Facing it, this actually feels interesting. You advised me to face that feeling, and I try to do that each time. I am not sure if I ever kid myself by saying this but I feel like I almost never run from a bad feeling. It can also be the thing that I only remember the times I don’t run from them. But I started to understand and face them at some point in my life and now it feels like I cannot run from them again. This feels like a no way back thing, just like the boundary skill I’m trying to work on, it is also a no way back experiment. I would never be a people pleaser like I was in the past, I can be less, but not that much, ever. Seems impossible to me.

That dreadful emptiness hurts me if something bad is happening, or I have the idea of that possibility. The last time it was that much and I had my knees shaking, breath going mad was 1.5 years ago. It was the time I was being abandoned again, although it wasn’t a one time thing, I remember more than one occasions he made me feel that. It’s like an endless disappointment is suffocating me, I was the one with the thought and I was suffocating me all along but it happens again if I think of something that would make me lose this connection with him. It even feels like a last resort, after all those failures, finally starting to feel safe and I might lose this if I go abroad to work there. But I have to go, I would never be happy enough if I don’t take this opportunity. I would regret it at some point, so we know what I’ll do.

About the coffee reading suggestion, yes I can totally do that. Since I knew that she was gonna comfort me, I did record the event. I have like a 5 min recording of her telling me nice things about the future and also what happened in my past so that I would believe her. It’s interesting actually, I never get how they do that. I don’t see the logic at all, but they just know things sometimes.