Dear anita

Next time you look at yourself in the mirror or in a picture, look at your height differently than before, with new respect: respect for every centimeter of your height that is strong enough to carry the weight of so much emotional pain, and still keep your body upright.

I wish that someone would give you a hug right now, a sincere, affectionate hug, and say to you: I can feel your pain, I can feel how deep it is, and for so long. I wish I could take it away from you. I want to help you.

I wish someone would do that to me, i feel like i lack on social support…. But at the same time i have a weak communication skills… which makes it hard for me to get to know people….

I used to be very afraid to talk with new people, especially if they look judgemental…. I really suffer from this in my uni days, whereas in uni most people make friends… while i try to avoid it… i only dare to talk to the nerds, and i feel intimidated by the cool kids…. But after several conversations with several “cool kids” throughout the years, it isnt as scary as i thought it was…. I used to get frozen when talking to them, idk what to talk about…. Now i realize that i lack practice and also i didnt see many conversation examples…. Cause i really have a slow brain… i can only learn throughout examples….

The problem is that because i always feel safe not talking to people to avoid judgements, now i’m too lazy to talk to people… like i’m lazy to have a small talk unless it’s important….
Do u think it’s due to the silent situation of my family?
Like there is a new maid at my house recently, and she’s kind of different with the previous maids…. She’s quite active and tries to talk to me a lot…. But i’m too lazy to do that, because all this time i never have a small talk with my maids…. Not because im arrogant, because i’ve always been this way….

But at the same time i blame myself for not having many friends/acquaintances…. Because i ever experienced wanting to be friends with someone, but her/his body language isnt interested in me…. Maybe its due to my appearance or there’s nothing special in me, and it hurts a lot…. That’s why im super cautious in my uni days to make friends…

I really like collecting achievements for myself…..but all this time i have to conceal my height, and the lack of communication skills makes it hard…

I also prefer to watch tv on my free time because i used to try doing sports like football, basketball, badmin… it’s really hard…. My brain is so slow that i cant play those…
Whereas people who’s not good at sports usually are good at academics… but not for me…. I have difficulties brainstorming, all i mostly do is memorize…. It’s really hard when u have this kind of brain…..

My brain is even lazy to chew food since i was a kid…. So everytime i eat i just chew like 3-4 times then just swallow it by drinking water…. I bet u havent seen someone as lazy as me… I always eat that way for many years…. Idk if it’s the reason that im short right now…. Might be lack of nutrition…

I really want to improve how this brain works…

if you successfully concealed your height and hid your family situations, there will still be people who will think of you as inferior for other reasons that you didn’t conceal, reasons that didn’t even occur to you. It is the nature of most people to think of some other people as inferior to them. Tall people are thought of as inferior for being too tall, too skinny, too heavy, too clumsy, too … one thing or the other.

But it wouldnt hurt as much as the height and family situations is it…. As this one is irreversible….

think of this: just like you posted pics where you successfully concealed your short height, other people post pics where they successfully conceal what they feel inferior about. The person in the pic smiling with many cousins who are also smiling may be concealing the fact that his cousins are treating him badly much of the time.

The one that gets treated badly by their cousins mostly dont post in on social media, so i bet the one’s posting do really get along….

when you do communicate well (as you do here, on your thread), you are very interesting. This means that what’s inside of you is very interesting when communicated. Your insecurities and social anxiety make you very interesting.. but I would like you to be less interesting in these two ways (less insecurities, less anxiety).

How am i interesting? Im curious…

As i still feel that im a really boring person, who’s lazy to talk….

Here in this thread i mostly talk about my struggles, that’s why i can talk a lot…

it is very, very important to feel useful. You need more of these moments and instances of feeling useful.

I never feel this way before, maybe because my parents never trusted me with anything…. And resulting in me thinking that everything is difficult….

I really want to have another usefulness, but idk what….

Right now i want to collect more friends and something that i can do to boost myself, because all this time i never done this…. I just hope it isnt too late….