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Any tips in how to solve communication problems?

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  • #405595
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    It takes a long time to change habitual thought patterns. If you think about it, you may have been thinking in this way for many years. On the plus side, you are young. Neuro plasticity will allow changes to occur in time with consistent practice.

    My concern is that you need a quality therapist to support you. You may not recover without one. Even when you are feeling calmer you still advocate for hitting yourself. Life is going to be very hard for you without professional help:

    I’m a short lady at 5ft 4. I seem to remember that you are taller than me. Is this correct? I’ve dated 3 people shorter than me. The reason for relationships ending has never been height.  are more likely to be open to dating. Whilst it is true that people notice height upon meeting for the first time. People stop thinking about it. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to care about how short you are. Shorter ladies tend to be more open to dating shorter men since chances are you will still be taller than them.

    Whilst height can limit the number of people willing to date you before 25. After 25 attraction changes for women. The focus becomes qualities suitable for a long term partner.

    Anyone who cares about your height is superficial and judgemental, you can be thankful to avoid a partner with character flaws.

    Likewise anyone who judges you based on your family situation or finances has character flaws. It says more about their weaknesses than you.

    Many people are not judgemental. I have a friend that is a barista. He leads a non traditional lifestyle. He doesn’t value money. He suffers at times for it. But he is adventurous and brave. Many people are willing to make themselves unhappy for a sizeable paycheck. As long as you believe in your own decisions and lifestyle, people will also view you with respect.

    My point is that the circumstances are not the problem. Your anxiety about judgement from others is what causes you pain. You care about the judgement of others because you don’t like yourself.

    Everyone has set backs in life. Overcoming these challenges helps us grow as people.

    Going to the gym is progress for you. It is something that you do like about yourself. I hope that you continue to discover new things that you like about yourself. Like the cleaning you mentioned. This is a great trait for a partner. Women value a man that doesn’t mind helping out.

     

    #405599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    Yes, I’ve been suffering from all these matters“- you’ve been suffering a lot and for a long, long time. I wish that your life so far was not filled with so much emotional suffering. But reality is that you’ve been experiencing deep emotional pain for a long, long time. You keep mentioning your short height… imagine all that pain in a short height, that’s a lot of pain in every centimeter.

    Next time you look at yourself in the mirror or in a picture, look at your height differently than before, with new respect: respect for every centimeter of your height that is strong enough to carry the weight of so much emotional pain, and still keep your body upright.

    I wish that someone would give you a hug right now, a sincere, affectionate hug, and say to you: I can feel your pain, I can feel how deep it is, and for so long. I wish I could take it away from you. I want to help you.

    Generally, people would label a short person, messy family situations, lesser financial status, etc. as more inferior to them“- most people think of some other people as inferior to themselves for the reasons you mentioned and for other reasons such as race, nationality, mannerisms (like the way a person eats.. or what they eat), not to mention handicaps of all kinds. Few people in comparison feel that everyone is equal to themselves.

    I keep getting mad and try to hit myself if I expose these weaknesses to people. Because I don’t want them to look at me as an inferior person“- it hurts so much to be thought of as inferior.

    Most of my parents’ friends gave me that kind of look (that judging look) when my parents told them I’m their child. And it hurts. I know they must’ve judged my height.  I always get this kind of first impressions, and I hate it. It’s not my fault“- whenever people give you a judging look for what is not your fault, they are treating you badly. And their bad treatment hurts a lot.

    I don’t want them to look at me as an inferior person. I keep getting mad at myself if I failed to conceal my height or failed to hide my family situations. I want to them to label me as an average person that’s not inferior to them“- if you successfully concealed your height and hid your family situations, there will still be people who will think of you as inferior for other reasons that you didn’t conceal, reasons that didn’t even occur to you. It is the nature of most people to think of some other people as inferior to them. Tall people are thought of as inferior for being too tall, too skinny, too heavy, too clumsy, too … one thing or the other.

    Social media always causes me to feel insecure, like people could post about how big and happy their families are… a pic (of) average/tall bodies, hanging out with their cousins“- think of this: just like you posted pics where you successfully concealed your short height, other people post pics where they successfully conceal what they feel inferior about. The person in the pic smiling with many cousins who are also smiling may be concealing the fact that his cousins are treating him badly much of the time.
    I wrote to you that I think of you as an interesting person, and you wrote,  “You really think so?“-
    – yes, I really think so.
    Personally, I still feel like I’m a boring person, added up with my weak communication skills, insecurities and social anxiety makes it even worse“- when you do communicate well (as you do here, on your thread), you are very interesting. This means that what’s inside of you is very interesting when communicated. Your insecurities and social anxiety make you very interesting.. but I would like you to be less interesting in these ways (less insecurities, less anxiety).
    Although I only do gym now, deep down I feel so happy that I found a character in myself. Something that I do like most average people do, And I’m hoping to find more“- this is your positive attitude, it makes me feel proud of you, reading this! And… you found the character in yourself that I already found within you!!!
    Tbh few days ago… I had to help with washing the plates and etc. I never done that before, I even felt useful when I did that, like I gain an ability which might be useful when I have my own family. I could help my wife“- it is very, very important to feel useful and you felt useful. You need more of these moments and instances of feeling useful.
    I can imagine you, in my mind’s eye (you described how you look many times, so I have an image) and I can see you and your wife working together in the kitchen: you are washing the dishes, she is drying them with a towel, or the other way around, while the two of you are talking about… I don’t know…
    * Eric, if you read this post quickly, please read it again slowly at another time. Read one part only, then at another time, read another part.  Give my words a chance to sink in and take hold.
    anita
    #405600
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * I’ll try to clean the above from all the excess print:

    Dear Eric:

    Yes, I’ve been suffering from all these matters“- you’ve been suffering a lot and for a long, long time. I wish that your life so far was not filled with so much emotional suffering. But reality is that you’ve been experiencing deep emotional pain for a long, long time. You keep mentioning your short height… imagine all that pain in a short height, that’s a lot of pain in every centimeter.

    Next time you look at yourself in the mirror or in a picture, look at your height differently than before, with new respect: respect for every centimeter of your height that is strong enough to carry the weight of so much emotional pain, and still keep your body upright.

    I wish that someone would give you a hug right now, a sincere, affectionate hug, and say to you: I can feel your pain, I can feel how deep it is, and for so long. I wish I could take it away from you. I want to help you.

    Generally, people would label a short person, messy family situations, lesser financial status, etc. as more inferior to them“- most people think of some other people as inferior to themselves for the reasons you mentioned and for other reasons such as race, nationality, mannerisms (like the way a person eats.. or what they eat), not to mention handicaps of all kinds. Few people in comparison feel that everyone is equal to themselves.

    I keep getting mad and try to hit myself if I expose these weaknesses to people. Because I don’t want them to look at me as an inferior person“- it hurts so much to be thought of as inferior.

    Most of my parents’ friends gave me that kind of look (that judging look) when my parents told them I’m their child. And it hurts. I know they must’ve judged my height.  I always get this kind of first impressions, and I hate it. It’s not my fault“- whenever people give you a judging look for what is not your fault, they are treating you badly. And their bad treatment hurts a lot.

    I don’t want them to look at me as an inferior person. I keep getting mad at myself if I failed to conceal my height or failed to hide my family situations. I want to them to label me as an average person that’s not inferior to them“- if you successfully concealed your height and hid your family situations, there will still be people who will think of you as inferior for other reasons that you didn’t conceal, reasons that didn’t even occur to you. It is the nature of most people to think of some other people as inferior to them. Tall people are thought of as inferior for being too tall, too skinny, too heavy, too clumsy, too … one thing or the other.

    “Social media always causes me to feel insecure, like people could post about how big and happy their families are… a pic (of) average/tall bodies, hanging out with their cousins“- think of this: just like you posted pics where you successfully concealed your short height, other people post pics where they successfully conceal what they feel inferior about. The person in the pic smiling with many cousins who are also smiling may be concealing the fact that his cousins are treating him badly much of the time.

    I wrote to you that I think of you as an interesting person, and you wrote,  “You really think so?“– yes, I really think so!

    Personally, I still feel like I’m a boring person, added up with my weak communication skills, insecurities and social anxiety makes it even worse“- when you do communicate well (as you do here, on your thread), you are very interesting. This means that what’s inside of you is very interesting when communicated. Your insecurities and social anxiety make you very interesting.. but I would like you to be less interesting in these two ways (less insecurities, less anxiety).

    Although I only do gym now, deep down I feel so happy that I found a character in myself. Something that I do like most average people do, And I’m hoping to find more”- this is your positive attitude, it makes me feel proud of you, reading this! And that you found the character in yourself that I already found within you!!!

    Tbh few days ago… I had to help with washing the plates and etc. I never done that before, I even felt useful when I did that, like I gain an ability which might be useful when I have my own family. I could help my wife“- it is very, very important to feel useful. You need more of these moments and instances of feeling useful.

    I can imagine you, in my mind’s eye (you described how you look many times, so I have an image) and I can see you and your wife working together in the kitchen: you are washing the dishes, she is drying them with a towel, or the other way around, while the two of you are talking about… I don’t know…

    * Eric, if you read this post quickly, please read it again slowly at another time. Read one part only, then at another time, read another part.  Give my words a chance to sink in and take hold.

    anita

    #406151
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear helcat,

     

    I’m a short lady at 5ft 4. I seem to remember that you are taller than me. Is this correct? I’ve dated 3 people shorter than me. The reason for relationships ending has never been height.  are more likely to be open to dating. Whilst it is true that people notice height upon meeting for the first time. People stop thinking about it. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to care about how short you are. Shorter ladies tend to be more open to dating shorter men since chances are you will still be taller than them.

    I’m 5 ft 5, i’m not taller than you, we are at the same height…… and you even labelled yourself as short (and you are a lady)….. imagine i’m a guy with that height…. feels terrible…

    Yes, shorter ladies might be more open as they are shorter, and i also feel more secure as im taller…. but shorter ladies also mostly aim for tall guys even when they are short…. at least 5 ft 7 as it’s average….

    Tbh, i used to wonder if i have this height…. it might be better if i was born as a girl…. as i can accept my height…. I wont be insecure with my height, my issues will be on other stuff…..

    And unluckily most girls here are about my height, this is why i always use tall shoes so that i can be taller than them, and also look taller in pictures…. but i can never do that if i went to someone’s house, because i need to be barefoot….. and that’s why i never want to meet my friends in their house….. because they might took a picture of us together and upload it on social media….. i dont want people to know my real height….

    I also sometimes feel that i have a weird face… like i have a puffy cheeks, combine with bushy eyebrows and non symmetrical teeth…. how can it’s considered as attractive? it’s more towards fierce and scary than good looking……..

    This is also why i fear if i visit my future girlfriend’s house later on…. i cant boost my height….. and the parents will notice my short height and have a bad impression….. I always feel afraid of this scenario for a long time, even when i havent experienced it…..

    I like girls with quality but at the same time i dont have qualities, and i’m confused on how to improve it……

     

    Whilst height can limit the number of people willing to date you before 25. After 25 attraction changes for women. The focus becomes qualities suitable for a long term partner.

    What kind of qualities do u mean?

    If it’s some kind of accomplishment or achievement?…. i never had those….

    It’s hard for me to show off my qualities……

    I also notice that i have a slow brain…… i always have difficulties in brainstorming…… i can only think something straight and memorize it……

    As you can see as a child i have difficulties in swallowing food, which leads me to use water every time i need to swallow…. i also cant play football which requires both legs to work together….. i have a hard time playing musical instruments…… even my english is not that good…. you can see i dont have professional grammar here…. Is there any ways to improve how my brain works?

     

    But i can notice what u meant by after 25 the attraction changes…. because i can feel that most girls as they grow older, they become more mature….. like pretty girls who only date attractive guys, now accept a quite not good looking guy (but he’s still taller than her)…..

    However i still cant find myself attracted to girls that i dont find attractive (my type (i cant really explain it)…. like i can see some girls who’s personality will give me less pressure as they dont demand much…. i tried forcing myself to like that type of girls, but i cant……

     

     

    Anyone who cares about your height is superficial and judgemental, you can be thankful to avoid a partner with character flaws.

    Likewise anyone who judges you based on your family situation or finances has character flaws. It says more about their weaknesses than you.

    The problem is…. i tend to be picky when crushing on girls….. i didnt aim for the most beautiful…. but i have my own criteria of appearance and that’s why it’s hard for me…… Because i cant force my feeling to come out if i dont get attracted by her…. Do u think i shouldnt be picky when me myself are not good looking?

    And i’m a person who really hates regret, idk to choose the wrong partner….. because i also tend to get jealous easily by other people who i feel that are on the same level as me….. If she gets a better partner overall, i’m afraid i might feel regret….. But at the same time i also want to have a girlfriend, when most people at my age now are experiencing relationships….

     

    Tbh social media also sparks a lot of jealousy in me….. like i can see from social media that there are boys who’s really blessed with luck, that he’s born with a loving and large family… lots of cousin… and a good looking face. He’s not tall but he’s on the average height….. This is always what i’m dreamt of having on my life, but life is really unfair…..

    Like when i saw people having their uni graduation… i can feel jealous… because i dont have it, as last year it’s held online due to covid…. but now it’s held in the campus…..

     

     

    My point is that the circumstances are not the problem. Your anxiety about judgement from others is what causes you pain. You care about the judgement of others because you don’t like yourself.

    Everyone has set backs in life. Overcoming these challenges helps us grow as people.

    Going to the gym is progress for you. It is something that you do like about yourself. I hope that you continue to discover new things that you like about yourself. Like the cleaning you mentioned. This is a great trait for a partner. Women value a man that doesn’t mind helping out.

    Tbh i also feel happy that i go to the gym now, i feel like i can tell my future girlfriend that i have an activity besides watching tv….. i’m really trying to find more, but idk what…. i have a slow brain and it makes it hard……

    I’m planning to try badminton and golf… but idk if i’ll be able to play it or not…. as i’ve failed in football and basketball…..

    I feel like…. regardless of my non attractive appearance, i’m also very boring…… idk how i can improve this……

    Sometimes there is a day when i dont talk to anyone at all….. like just me in my room enjoying the activities in my room….. idk if girls will like this attitude….

    I really want to many things so that i dont feel insecure…. but idk if my brain can cooperate with it….

     

    But as i grow older there’s something that i notice, the sooner i tried the better…..

    Like how i used to be afraid of riding a bicycle, but last year i tried it after dozens of attempts and finally i can ride a bike….. I just hope that everything im afraid of…. isnt as scary as i thought it was……

    #406161
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear anita

     

    Next time you look at yourself in the mirror or in a picture, look at your height differently than before, with new respect: respect for every centimeter of your height that is strong enough to carry the weight of so much emotional pain, and still keep your body upright.

    I wish that someone would give you a hug right now, a sincere, affectionate hug, and say to you: I can feel your pain, I can feel how deep it is, and for so long. I wish I could take it away from you. I want to help you.

    I wish someone would do that to me, i feel like i lack on social support…. But at the same time i have a weak communication skills… which makes it hard for me to get to know people….

    I used to be very afraid to talk with new people, especially if they look judgemental…. I really suffer from this in my uni days, whereas in uni most people make friends… while i try to avoid it… i only dare to talk to the nerds, and i feel intimidated by the cool kids…. But after several conversations with several “cool kids” throughout the years, it isnt as scary as i thought it was…. I used to get frozen when talking to them, idk what to talk about…. Now i realize that i lack practice and also i didnt see many conversation examples…. Cause i really have a slow brain… i can only learn throughout examples….

    The problem is that because i always feel safe not talking to people to avoid judgements, now i’m too lazy to talk to people… like i’m lazy to have a small talk unless it’s important….
    Do u think it’s due to the silent situation of my family?
    Like there is a new maid at my house recently, and she’s kind of different with the previous maids…. She’s quite active and tries to talk to me a lot…. But i’m too lazy to do that, because all this time i never have a small talk with my maids…. Not because im arrogant, because i’ve always been this way….

     

    But at the same time i blame myself for not having many friends/acquaintances…. Because i ever experienced wanting to be friends with someone, but her/his body language isnt interested in me…. Maybe its due to my appearance or there’s nothing special in me, and it hurts a lot…. That’s why im super cautious in my uni days to make friends…

     

    I really like collecting achievements for myself…..but all this time i have to conceal my height, and the lack of communication skills makes it hard…

    I also prefer to watch tv on my free time because i used to try doing sports like football, basketball, badmin… it’s really hard…. My brain is so slow that i cant play those…
    Whereas people who’s not good at sports usually are good at academics… but not for me…. I have difficulties brainstorming, all i mostly do is memorize…. It’s really hard when u have this kind of brain…..

    My brain is even lazy to chew food since i was a kid…. So everytime i eat i just chew like 3-4 times then just swallow it by drinking water…. I bet u havent seen someone as lazy as me… I always eat that way for many years…. Idk if it’s the reason that im short right now…. Might be lack of nutrition…

     

    I really want to improve how this brain works…

     

     

     

    if you successfully concealed your height and hid your family situations, there will still be people who will think of you as inferior for other reasons that you didn’t conceal, reasons that didn’t even occur to you. It is the nature of most people to think of some other people as inferior to them. Tall people are thought of as inferior for being too tall, too skinny, too heavy, too clumsy, too … one thing or the other.

    But it wouldnt hurt as much as the height and family situations is it…. As this one is irreversible….

     

     

    think of this: just like you posted pics where you successfully concealed your short height, other people post pics where they successfully conceal what they feel inferior about. The person in the pic smiling with many cousins who are also smiling may be concealing the fact that his cousins are treating him badly much of the time.

    The one that gets treated badly by their cousins mostly dont post in on social media, so i bet the one’s posting do really get along….

     

     

     

    when you do communicate well (as you do here, on your thread), you are very interesting. This means that what’s inside of you is very interesting when communicated. Your insecurities and social anxiety make you very interesting.. but I would like you to be less interesting in these two ways (less insecurities, less anxiety).

    How am i interesting? Im curious…

    As i still feel that im a really boring person, who’s lazy to talk….

    Here in this thread i mostly talk about my struggles, that’s why i can talk a lot…

     

     

    it is very, very important to feel useful. You need more of these moments and instances of feeling useful.

    I never feel this way before, maybe because my parents never trusted me with anything…. And resulting in me thinking that everything is difficult….

    I really want to have another usefulness, but idk what….

    Right now i want to collect more friends and something that i can do to boost myself, because all this time i never done this…. I just hope it isnt too late….

     

     

     

     

     

    #406162
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Do u have a more frontal tips anita? I’d really appreciate it.

    It’s because of my slow brain and i’m a hard headed person (stubborn)… so it’s easier for me if i know something straight to the point….

     

    Thank you.

    #406163
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I feel like i’m progressing throughout all the tips i get in this thread, and im thankful for that… Although the progress is really slow… at least there are some improvements….

    How i wish i was guided like this when i was younger….

    #406168
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    I am looking forward to read and reply Fri morning, my time, which is in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #406170
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also i wanna add some more (i apologize if i keep adding threads)…

    Can anyone help me deal with jealousy? It’s like every time i saw other people’s happiness and successes, i’ll instantly look at myself… and if i dont have those i’ll label myself as good for nothing…. And i’ll beat myself up in my mind for it….. I’ll keep bullying myself for it….

     

    This issue can be anything (prestigious degrees, achievements, happy family, good looking appearance, lots of friends, successes, attractive partner)…. And the person i compare to isnt specific… it could be anyone…. The more i know better that person, the greater the jealousy….

     

    I’m confused why i’m like this…. Why do i have so much jealousy in me when me myself have so much weaknesses…..

    #406178
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric!

    This is your thread, you can feel free to post however many times you wish.

    Regarding jealousy, you have a habit of frequently judging and criticising yourself. It will take some time and hard work to practice restraining yourself from criticising yourself.

    This will happen more naturally as you reduce your anxiety levels and develop your confidence. But you also need to acknowledge that this is a bad habit that causes you a lot of stress and commit to it being something that you no longer want to do.

    If it happens, it is an accident. Try your best not to worry. Just notice it happening. Notice how it makes you feel. Understand that it is the act of judging yourself that is making you feel thatway and let it pass.

    There is also something else… From my experience there are reasons that prolonge bouts of depression and anxiety. Reasons why we behave the way that we behave. For me, it was a form of avoidance. It kept me safe from the scary outside world. At the same time it prevented me from living my life and made me unhappy.

    I also got sympathy from people. Being comforted and reassured made me feel better. But what I learned is that rather than wait for an emotional episode, I could simply ask and seek comfort before I am emotionally desperate for it.

    Limiting social media use might be a good idea for you? People tend to show what they want others to see, not how things really are. Everyone has difficulties in life as an adult. No one has a perfect life.

    I think a good quality you have is that you are open to listening and eager to learn.

    I understand what it is like to have a slow brain. I have a learning disability that leads to slow processing and various other issues. Reducing anxiety is going to be your best friend. The more anxious you are the easier it is to make mistakes and the more difficult it is to process.

    I disagree, I think you have lots of good ideas. Going to the gym was a great idea. You will minimise any superficial judgement about your height by going to the gym, being fit, strong and healthy. People will focus instead on how fit and strong you are.

    It’s great to hear that you have been developing other skills and trying new things. Learning to ride a bike as an adult is very brave. My husband doesn’t know how to ride a bike and is afraid to try. I enjoy riding my bike, it would be nice to cycle together one day.

    I think you have a lot of good ideas about developing skills in activities that interest you. You are very brave taking these steps to develop yourself as a person. I bet you never thought you would be described as brave. But bravery is courage in the face of fear, not an absence of fear.

    I also think that you write well and I am a literacy tutor.

    Realistically, things will be scary when you aren’t comfortable with them. But as you practice and gain confidence in your new skills you will become more comfortable.

    I think the following are some things that many people look for in a long term partner:

    Physically healthy

    Mentally stable (it is important that mental health conditions are well managed)

    Kind

    Responsible with finances

    Willing to share cooking / cleaning / childcare responsibilities

    Likes and wants children (if a family is desired)

    #406180
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    After several conversations with several ‘cool kids’ throughout the years, it isn’t as scary as I thought it was… I feel like I’m progressing throughout all the tips I get in this thread, and I’m thankful for that. Although the progress is really slow, at least there are some improvements“- congratulations for the progress that you are making. I appreciate every bit of it and I hope that you do too.

    The problem is that because I always feel safe not talking to people to avoid judgements, now I’m too lazy to talk to people… Do u think it’s due to the silent situation of my family?“- I think that outside your home, it has more to do with your fear of judgement than with anything else. Inside your home, it has to do with lack of practice: not being in the habit of talking within your silent family situation.

    Like there is a new maid at my house recently, and she… tries to talk to me a lot. But I’m too lazy to do that, because all this time I never have a small talk with my maids. Not because I’m arrogant, because I’ve always been this way“- lack of practice inside the home, I am guessing, like I mentioned right above.

    I really want to improve how this brain works“- it is possible for an adult to improve how his or her brain works. The scientific term for it is neuroplasticity.  It takes first believing that it is possible.

    How am I interesting? I’m curious. As I still feel that I’m a really boring person“- see, you feel that you are a boring person and I feel that you are an interesting person.

    Do u have a more frontal tips anita?” – what do you mean by frontal tips?

    Can anyone help me deal with jealousy?“- I am afraid not, I can’t help you to not feel jealous just as I can’t help you to not feel badly about your height. I wish I could but I don’t have that kind of power.

    I’m confused why I’m like this. Why do I have so much jealousy in me, when me myself have so much weaknesses“- because you want the strengths that you think others experience, don’t you?

    -I will post another reply soon.

    anita

    #406184
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eric:

    You’ve been expressing a whole lot of distress over the appearance of your body (mostly your height) over the years, in your many threads (under different accounts and screen names). The following quotes are from your recent posts on this one current thread only: “Yes you can say I feel lonely is due to my social anxiety, but it’s mostly caused by my height. I keep being cautious on how people might perceived me as ‘below average’ when they look at my height, so I mostly spend my time at my room. Even in my uni days, I didn’t go to a club, although I wanna try enjoying it like how young people do. But I know it’ll be pointless for a short guy… I keep getting mad at myself if I failed to conceal my heightI’m 5 ft 5… feels terrible…  unluckily most girls here are about my height, this is why I always use tall shoes so that I can be taller than them, and also look taller in pictures, but I can never do that if I went to someone’s house, because I need to be barefoot and that’s why I never want to meet my friends in their house because they might took a picture of us together and upload it on social media. I don’t want people to know my real height. I also sometimes feel that I have a weird face, like I have puffy cheeks, combine with bushy eyebrows and non-symmetrical teeth, how can it’s considered as attractive? it’s more towards fierce and scary than good looking. This is also why I fear if I visit my future girlfriend’s house later on, I can’t boost my height and the parents will notice my short height and have a bad impression. I always feel afraid of this scenario for a long time”.

    From the Mayo Clinic. org website: “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations. When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely focus on your appearance and body image, repeatedly checking the mirror, grooming or seeking reassurance, sometimes for many hours each day. Your perceived flaw and the repetitive behaviors cause you significant distress and impact your ability to function in your daily life. You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures to try to ‘fix’ your perceived flaw. Afterward, you may feel temporary satisfaction or a reduction in your distress, but often the anxiety returns and you may resume searching for other ways to fix your perceived flaw. Treatment of body dysmorphic disorder may include cognitive behavioral therapy and medication.

    “Signs and symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder include: * Being extremely preoccupied with a perceived flaw in appearance that to others can’t be seen or appears minor * Strong belief that you have a defect in your appearance that makes you ugly or deformed * Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way or mock you * Engaging in behaviors aimed at fixing or hiding the perceived flaw that are difficult to resist or control, such as frequently checking the mirror, grooming or skin picking * Attempting to hide perceived flaws with styling, makeup or clothes * Constantly comparing your appearance with others * Frequently seeking reassurance about your appearance from others *Having perfectionist tendencies* Seeking cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction * Avoiding social situations.

    “Preoccupation with your appearance and excessive thoughts and repetitive behaviors can be unwanted, difficult to control and so time-consuming that they can cause major distress or problems in your social life, work, school or other areas of functioning…

    “Complications that may be caused by or associated with body dysmorphic disorder include, for example: * Low self-esteem * Social isolation * Major depression or other mood disorders * Suicidal thoughts or behavior * Anxiety disorders, including social anxiety disorder (social phobia) * Obsessive-compulsive disorder..”.

    Wikipedia/ Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD): “Most people without BDD may not like some parts of their body, but people with BDD believe that they are so ugly, even though they are not, that they find it difficult to talk or exist with other people, or live normally, scared that other people will be mean to them because of the way they look… They usually think about their body for more than one hour per day, and in bad cases, can stop talking to other people, and may stay at home. People with BDD often have very low self-confidence, because they believe that a person’s value is linked to what they look like, and because they do not think that they are beautiful themselves, they do not think they have much value…

    “People with BDD may often have little motivation for anything. This means that BDD people can appear to take a long time to get everything done. However, this is not exactly true, because BDD sufferers will often just stop what they were doing for a long time, so it is not just that they are slow, but find it difficult to concentrate on what they are doing… This low amount of motivation can be in all parts of a person’s life, for example, school, friends, love, family, or work. However, when the person is trying to do things to the way they look, such as combing their hair, or choosing clothes, it is common for the person to have an extreme motivation. Therefore, people with BDD can sometimes not feel motivated for anything in their life, but when they are working on their looks, they will have an extreme motivation that is not normal either…

    “BDD is often wrongly thought of as a ‘vanity’ ‘obsession, but it is actually the opposite, because people with BDD believe they are very ugly, even though people without BDD do not think they are. There is not usually actually anything wrong with the way the person with BDD looks, but to that person, there is. A person with BDD can spend hours looking in the mirror, but they are not being vain, as they do not think they are attractive. People with BDD usually realize that worrying about their looks so much is bad, but they cannot help it. ALSO a person with BDD may alternatively avoid mirrors at all costs. Or any reflective surfaces for that matter. Including spoons, windows, mirrors, etc.

    Treatments: Research found that talking as therapy, has not worked to stop BDD. However, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) has been found to be more effective. In a study of 54 patients with BDD, some of them had Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and some had no treatment. BDD symptoms decreased a lot in those patients undergoing CBT. BDD was eliminated in 82% of cases at post treatment and 77% at follow-up. Due to low levels of serotonin in the brain, another commonly used treatment is SSRI drugs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor).”

    What do you think, Eric?

    anita

     

    • Face, such as nose, complexion, wrinkles, acne and other blemishes
    • Hair, such as appearance, thinning and baldness
    • Skin and vein appearance
    • Breast size
    • Muscle size and tone
    • Genitalia

    A preoccupation with your body build being too small or not muscular enough (muscle dysmorphia) occurs almost exclusively in males.

    Insight about body dysmorphic disorder varies. You may recognize that your beliefs about your perceived flaws may be excessive or not be true, or think that they probably are true, or be absolutely convinced that they’re true. The more convinced you are of your beliefs, the more distress and disruption you may experience in your life.

    When to see a doctor

    Shame and embarrassment about your appearance may keep you from seeking treatment for body dysmorphic disorder. But if you have any signs or symptoms, see your health care provider or a mental health professional.

    Body dysmorphic disorder usually doesn’t get better on its own. If left untreated, it may get worse over time, leading to anxiety, extensive medical bills, severe depression, and even suicidal thoughts and behavior.

    #406185
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Please ignore the part after my name (these are left-over quotes from the websites that I forgot to edit out before submitting my post for you

    anita

    #406250
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric!

    How are you doing? I made quite a long comment already last time but I didn’t quite get around to all of the topics you raised.

    I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing being picky, but it will make dating more difficult as it will take longer to find a partner.

    As long as you are okay with it taking longer, that is fine. However, if the goal is to date sooner rather than later it could be beneficial to try dating people that you wouldn’t normally consider. I think it is worth taking the time to get to know people as they can surprise you. If after getting to know smeone you still find you have a lack of romantic interest it is quite acceptable to move on. It is all really up to you and your preferences.

    Regarding the maid. If I were you, I’d ask the friendly maid to teach you how to do some household chores. Maybe you will talk a little as you become more familiar with each other?

    #406384
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear helcat,

     

    Regarding jealousy, you have a habit of frequently judging and criticising yourself. It will take some time and hard work to practice restraining yourself from criticising yourself.

    This will happen more naturally as you reduce your anxiety levels and develop your confidence. But you also need to acknowledge that this is a bad habit that causes you a lot of stress and commit to it being something that you no longer want to do.

    If it happens, it is an accident. Try your best not to worry. Just notice it happening. Notice how it makes you feel. Understand that it is the act of judging yourself that is making you feel thatway and let it pass.

    There is also something else… From my experience there are reasons that prolonge bouts of depression and anxiety. Reasons why we behave the way that we behave. For me, it was a form of avoidance. It kept me safe from the scary outside world. At the same time it prevented me from living my life and made me unhappy

     

    I keep criticising myself because i keep making the same mistakes….

    Even today i did the same mistake, so there is this lady in the gym (she’s probably around 40, single) so she’s joking with her friend (a girl) that they go to the gym to attract guys, that they wanna make their body more curvy and something like that….. then my trainer joke to them by saying that there is still a “kid” (me) here and they shouldnt discuss those stuffs… My trainer said that because i’m very quiet while he trains me…. then that lady joke by saying “he should hear about this topic so he can understand more about girls and not get fooled by them”, she then joke to me by saying “im correct right?”…. then i just smiled without looking at her face….. Idk why i keep having this issue…. i want to talk but idk what to talk about…. and i always have difficulties in staring a quite attractive girl… i cant look at her in the eye (it’s always been this way since i was a kid)……

    I noticed that my dad is also like this…… he also never initiates any talk with a new person, unless that person is the one initiating…… and he never jokes with anyone……

    I feel this is due to my genetics, do u think so?

    But tbh, even my trainer said that i lack self confidence…..

     

    See….. i keep making the same mistakes, it’s really tiring…..

     

     

    Limiting social media use might be a good idea for you? People tend to show what they want others to see, not how things really are. Everyone has difficulties in life as an adult. No one has a perfect life.

    Social media always make me feel less, like when i dont think much about how many friends i have…. then i saw a friend of mine who use to have lesser friends than me, now has more friends than me, and he got it mostly from uni…… This gives me anxiety, making me think that all this time i did it wrong in how to make friends at uni….

     

     

    I think a good quality you have is that you are open to listening and eager to learn.

    I’m eager to learn because i want to stand out, i always feel this way since i was a kid….. but then i have so many weaknesses and it gives me a hard time to stand out……

    I’m also eager to learn is due to i hate making the same mistakes, it could cause me missing out from people…..

    I really fear missing out from people, when i’m already missing out from them due to my weaknesses…. i dont want to get more far away than them…….

    When i’m alone in my room, i always wonder…. why cant i have something that i can be proud of myself…. some kind of achievements that i get and no other people can get…. why cant i achieve it…..

     

     

    I understand what it is like to have a slow brain. I have a learning disability that leads to slow processing and various other issues. Reducing anxiety is going to be your best friend. The more anxious you are the easier it is to make mistakes and the more difficult it is to process.

    I disagree, I think you have lots of good ideas. Going to the gym was a great idea. You will minimise any superficial judgement about your height by going to the gym, being fit, strong and healthy. People will focus instead on how fit and strong you are.

    One of the reasons i went to the gym is also due to it’s an individual activity, and i don’t need to interact with people to do the activity, and also because i wanna keep my mind distracted, to prevent overthinking at my room….

     

     

     

    It’s great to hear that you have been developing other skills and trying new things. Learning to ride a bike as an adult is very brave. My husband doesn’t know how to ride a bike and is afraid to try. I enjoy riding my bike, it would be nice to cycle together one day.

    I think you have a lot of good ideas about developing skills in activities that interest you. You are very brave taking these steps to develop yourself as a person. I bet you never thought you would be described as brave. But bravery is courage in the face of fear, not an absence of fear.

    I never labelled myself as brave, because i’m not…. i cant even look at attractive girls…. how can i be considered as brave if i still act that way……

    I want to try more activities because i dont want to miss out, i want to be like most people….. i actually dislike approaching people, but in uni days i force myself so i dont lose out and eventually i gain few friends…..

     

     

    I think the following are some things that many people look for in a long term partner:

    Physically healthy

    Mentally stable (it is important that mental health conditions are well managed)

    Kind

    Responsible with finances

    Willing to share cooking / cleaning / childcare responsibilities

    Likes and wants children (if a family is desired)

     

    But don’t most girls hate it, if the boy is very boring?

    How about achievements? I bet most people care about this……

    Like i’m currently working in my family’s office, and i dont earn my own income….. even my parents are not proud of me…. I cant see myself as a guy that a partner can look up to….

    I also lack communication skills and confidence, i dont want my future kids to look at me as some kind of “useless dad”, it’ll really hurt me….

    Although right now i’m sure that if i love that person very much, i’ll really cherish her…….

     

     

     

     

    I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing being picky, but it will make dating more difficult as it will take longer to find a partner.

    As long as you are okay with it taking longer, that is fine. However, if the goal is to date sooner rather than later it could be beneficial to try dating people that you wouldn’t normally consider. I think it is worth taking the time to get to know people as they can surprise you. If after getting to know smeone you still find you have a lack of romantic interest it is quite acceptable to move on. It is all really up to you and your preferences.

    I always fear something that hasnt happen yet, like i keep imagining the girls’ parents might judge me or something like that…. regarding my appearance or my family….. Because i want a good quality girl (quite attractive and well-educated)…. if this is the case, i bet the parents will want to have a good quality son in law…..

    I also need to learn how to talk to my future girlfriend’s parents….. I still have difficulties in casually talking with “parents”…. i keep acting like a good boy who’s obedient every time i talk to parents……

    Even with people older than me, i used to talk to them like an obedient younger guy….. i can’t casually talk, i think it’s due to me avoiding judgements….. and i have difficulties in making sentences while talking to them….. But then there’s a day when she (the senior) told me to just talk to her casually, what’s wrong with talking casually…. and eventually i talk to her casually…. at first i have difficulties in choosing the words to talk to…. Then i studied on how she talks with her friend, then i copy her friends way and i can talk to her easily…..

    It’s always this way…. i always need a material to understand something…. i cant think it by myself….

     

    This is why i have difficulties in talking to new people…. i need to study that person first, so i can feel safe and have a material to talk to…

    But then this method is always too late, eventually that new person will label me as a not approachable person….

     

     

    I also think that you write well and I am a literacy tutor.

    I still feel that i have a weak grammar, i may be able to write english sentences that people can understand, but i still cant form english sentences professionally.

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