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Any tips in how to solve communication problems?

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  • #406621
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    Do u think if she appears uninterested when i meet her later on, or she appears uninterested when i text her again…. should i feel bad that it might due to how i text her that first time?

     

    Also I plan to text her again to get to know her when i get back…“- it will be easier to text than to talk, so this is the easier part.

    = Yes, that’s why i plan to get close to her by texts after i take the mooncake… But idk how she’ll respond to me later on

    #406622
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Should I feel bad that it might due to how I text her that first time?“- If it was up to me, I would choose that you will not feel bad, but your feelings don’t accommodate my preference or should-s.

    You tend to magnify your mistakes into disasters and feel very badly about it and regret a lot and overthink a lot.. these things make you feel very badly.  (I will soon be away from the computer for hours).

    anita

    #406623
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I feel that way because the mistake i made, might have critical effect on me….. like if i dont do that mistake that “person” might perceive or treats me in a different way……

    I only magnify my mistakes into disasters on the crucial mistakes…. especially if it involves on how people perceive me…. and for this matter i think it’s a crucial mistake…. So it’s hard to not feel bad about it…..

    If it doesnt involve other people…. i tend to not think too much about it…..

    #406633
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    “I feel that way because the mistake I made… I only magnify my mistakes into disasters on the crucial mistakes“- what you refer to as mistakes are symptoms of anxiety. Anxiety  is in the core of your obsessive thinking, social anxiety and body dysmorphia. I repeatedly suggested to you over the years to see a medical doctor or a psychotherapist. Did you ever considered seeking professional help (a medical doctor and/or a psychotherapist) so to deal with your core issue, which is anxiety?

    Your life can be so different, so much better if you seek and receive professional help!

    anita

    #406660
    Eric
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
     

    I havent consult a professional because my parents might thought that i have a major problem and they could be worried, also other problems i feel that i can solve without professional as long as i can convince my mind…

     

    Regarding the girl, the day is getting closer…. In 2 days im gonna meet her….

    The mistake that makes me mad is that i text her so obvious that she might know im trying to chase her and its a wrong strategy… as its better to just act normally and just be a normal customer who buy her mooncake… then slowly i’ll text her again and try to get close to her (but its only after i take the mooncake home)…. But the strategy went wrongly and i sound stupid and i just show her that i look like i wanna chase her……

    Everyday before i go to sleep i try to convince my mind that this mistake should be find, but the more i think about it….. It’s so obvious…. Why did i do that…. She might label me as a pathetic guy who tries to chase her when we havent met each other….
    I keep praying that this isnt a crucial mistake and i hope it’s not obvious as it might cause her to have some kind of “ill-feel” feeling towards me….

     

    #406661
    Eric
    Participant

    Although maybe it feels like im getting more anxiety, issues, etc…..

    Suddenly i get the thoughts of how much lessons i gain these past two years…. it’s not easy…. I can feel i gain more maturity, also i can say that i’ve mostly moved on from that girl who i have a crush on for a long time…. Also improving at least a little of my communication skills, knowing some responsibilities… but there’s still a lot for me to learn…
    I just hope i’ll not make those kind of mistakes again, i really beg myself…. to not do those silly mistakes….

    I really want the best for myself….

    #406663
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    Altogether you submitted 34 threads under different accounts since July 2019 and one central theme that persisted through all of them is your overthinking/ obsessive thinking. I want to help you today in regard to this central theme.

    In 4 days it will be three years from the time you wrote (Sept 9, 2019): “I can’t stop thinking of her, I’m so desperately need help in stop thinking of her…I try to stop thinking of her but… keep thinking of her… I’m still obsessed of her”. On Oct 14, 2019: “I’m trying to help myself to stop thinking of her… I can’t take it. Idk what I should do”. On April 20, 2020: “I’ve been living on thinking about this all day“.

    On the same day (April 20, 202o), I wrote to you in regard to your height (which is one of your top obsessions): “you go beyond preferring to be taller, you are obsessing about it”. You responded on the same day: “Dear anita, Do you have any solutions in healing this ‘obsession’?” I then asked you questions about your habit of overthinking and you answered: “I keep thinking about this  (height), and eventually the distraction fails… I keep telling myself not to think about it..(but I) think about height again… I don’t know if this is curable…’height issue’ stuck in my head“. Following your answer, still on the same day (April 20, 2020), I wrote: “Dear Felix: You asked me earlier: ‘Do you have any solutions in healing this ‘obsession”? I don’t. If you saw a competent mental health professional regarding this obsession/ pre-occupation, that would be best for you“.

    On April 28, 2020, you wrote: “there’s another problem that<b> I can’t take my mind off</b>, is that she’s the same height as me.. do u think I shouldn’t think this way?.. Should I think this way?”.

    On May 10, 2020, I wrote: “Dear Felix: I read much of your previous posts in your other threads starting July 3, 2019 all the way to your most recent thread. These are my comments today: 1. You clearly express a poor self-esteem.. Heavy self-criticism… Hypersensitivity to criticism by others and fear of rejectionAnger.. Shame:.. a touch of Body Dysmorphic Disorder”.

    A week later (May 17, 2020), you wrote: “Dear anita, I have read your post and understand your advice and I deeply apologize if I should have reply instead of starting a new thread as I thought it’s about a new different topic so I create it. Below I copy several sentences from the thread i just created”- you politely thanked me for my post but you did not want to think or talk about what I suggested to you. Instead, you wanted to talk about whatever the obsession-of-the-moment was at the time

    On May 31, 2020, you wrote: “I just seem to can’t stop thinking of this”, and on July 19, 2020, you wrote: “Please help me solve this matter? I can’t stop thinking about this.. Recently I’ve posted a post of a pic.. Am I thinking too much regarding this posts?”

    On July 22, 2020, I wrote: “I highly recommend that every morning (and at other times) you listen to Mark William’s “Mindfulness meditation Listening & Thoughts”. You can find it free online. Part of what he says in this meditation is to observe your thoughts… instead of getting lost in them”. Your reply on July 23, 2020: “Dear anita I’ll try to listen the meditation you recommend. So here I am with another problem…”- you wrote that you will listen to the meditation (but you didn’t) and quickly presenting yet another obsession.

    On July 30 2020, I wrote: “Dear Felix: Whenever you ask me questions regarding your obsessions with your height and getting a girlfriend- I will not answer because questions can be answered, but obsessions are never satisfied with answers.” Your response on the same day: “Dear anita I apologize if I still show obsessions regarding height and girlfriend. But, What I mean is that once I get a girl, do u think..?”- Again, you politely apologized and proceeded to present or re-present the obsession-of-the-moment.

    On the same day (July 30, 2020), I wrote: “Dear Felix: Here is what I suggest: take your time and read through all of our communication on your various threads… Study our communication, take notes, make comments for yourself about what we talked about. Learn all that you can learn. All that I wrote to you, I wrote repeatedly. There is nothing new that I can tell you and there is no good reason for me to repeat myself yet again when all you have to do is reread what I already wrote to you”- you did not respond to this post.

    On Oct 2, 2021, you wrote: “I really need help asap from this overthinking. I desperately need help right now. So yesterday some of my friends posted a pic of our friends reunion. in that pic I look so short.. I’ve ruined myself because of their posts. I can’t stop thinking about it”.

    I replied on the same day (Oct 2, 2021): ” Dear Felix: “I understand that it helps you to feel better for a short time when you  type away your frustrations into the computer screen, and it helps you to feel better for a short time when you receive replies that you like. But, although suggestions meant to  help you long-term have been offered to you- you accepted none. The core problems that often make you feel badly remain unchanged ever since your very first thread more than 2 years ago. Earlier, when I communicated with you, I compared your obsessions to itches that need to be scratched. At one point.. I realized that all I was doing when communicating with you was scratching your itches and nothing more… :*You feel itchy and distressed, so you present members with your itch: here is my Girl Itch.. here is my Regret Itch.. here is my Height Itch, etc…  *A member replies, and in doing so, scratching your itch,  * You feel better and you thank the member for.. scratching your itch, * You get itchy again, and present members with another itch…  and on and on… I suggested earlier that you see a medical doctor for medical treatment for your obsessive thinking. There are medications that help a lot of people with obsessive thinking, maybe those can help you too. I can see the use of psychotherapy for you as well.

    The day after  (Oct 3, 2021), you replied: “Dear anita, Is the only way are by seeing a medical doctor and psychotherapist? Can’t I solve this by myself? cause I don’t know how my parents will react when they find out I need medications… they might think this issue isn’t a really important issue (just me not having a mature mind)”.

    I answered on the same day: “Dear Felix: “Can’t I solve this by myself?“- no, your 25 threads over 2 years are proof. “Is the only way are by seeing a medical doctor and psychotherapist?“- yes, first see a reputable medical doctor for a consultation, I hope that the doctor will next send you to a specialist to be evaluated”.

    On Oct 25, 2021, I wrote: “..I suggested that you see a medical doctor or a psychotherapist regarding your OCD (the in OCD stands for Obsessions: such as about your height and regret over posting photos on social media, and the C stands for Compulsions, one of which is your compulsion to post on the forums here), but seems like you haven’t. This is the only suggestion I have for you”.

    You responded the day after (Oct 26, 2021): “Dear anita I’ll consider ur suggestion, and thank you for ur response and advices”.

    Five months later (March 30 2022), I wrote to you: “Also, there is an option of psychiatric medications that are prescribed for people who suffer from obsessive thinking, as well as psychotherapy.

    More than five months later (Sept 4, 2022), I wrote to you: “Anxiety  is in the core of your obsessive thinking, social anxiety and body dysmorphia. I repeatedly suggested to you over the years to see a medical doctor or a psychotherapist. Did you ever considered seeking professional help (a medical doctor and/or a psychotherapist)…?  Your life can be so different, so much better if you seek and receive professional help!”.

    Your reply today (Sept 5, 2022): “I haven’t consulted a professional because my parents might thought that I have a major problem and they could be worried, also other problems I feel that I can solve without professional as long as i can convince my mind… Regarding the girl, the day is getting closer…. In 2 days I’m gonna meet her”- you dismissed my suggestion once again and proceeded to re-present the latest obsession, the obsession of the moment.

    On Oct 3, 2021 you rejected my suggestion that you seek professional help because your parents “might think this issue isn’t a really important issue”, and today, you rejected the same suggestion because if you tell them that you need professional help, they will think that you “have a major problem”. On Oct 3, 2021, you asked: “Can’t I solve this by myself?”, and today, you wrote: “I feel that i can solve without professional”.

    In summary: as you can see, if you read through this post, the two of us repeated ourselves many, many times through the years of our communication. And the repetition had no positive value to any one of us.

    I know that (1) Quality professional intervention will help you short-term and long-term, (2) This issue is too big for you (or for any individual person in your place) to be able to solve by yourself, and (3) All responses to your obsessions-of-the-moment throughout the 3 years provided you with ZERO help: the themes of your obsessions persist unchanged.

    Not only responding to your obsessions-of-the-moment is not helping you- it is harming you because it fuels your obsessive thinking, it keeps it going.

    Your latest obsession, the mooncake-obsession, seems so BIG and URGENT in your mind… but every obsession seemed big and urgent throughout the history of your obsessions.

    I care about you, Eric, and I do wish to help you. My commitment to you today is that I will help you by not harming you: I will no longer put fuel into your obsessions by responding to them. As you post from now on, I will reply (if you would like me to continue and reply, that is), but I will ignore parts of your posts where you present your obsession-of-the-moment. I will need to be strong and resolute in my commitment to proceed this way.

    anita

     

    #406664
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    I do think that you have made some progress in 3 years. I was a lurker for a while before I started posting. You have established some good habits that relieve anxiety by going to the gym. You are having short conversations with people. You are open to learning new skills. But is it enough? Could you have made more progress with a professional over the past 3 years?

    Your current issue fantasising about a relationship with the mooncake girl. Realistically, this is unlikely to happen. To establish a relationship you will need to actively communicate with many women. Currently, you aren’t there yet. You are avoiding tackling your severe social anxiety. Like you hypothesised in a previous post. You will need to do what you did in university. Force yourself to interact with people and learn to manage the associated discomfort.

    I agree with Anita in that you need quality professional support. The level of self-abuse you display is extremely concerning. You ignore the issues with this, claiming that it helps you learn. Has it ever honestly helped? Beliefs such as this one are holding you back.

    I think that everyone needs help to deal with tough issues and you are dealing with some really tough issues. Neither of us are asking you to do something that we haven’t done ourselves. Everyone here is rooting for you Eric. If you begin to see a therapist, this would indicate some significant growth.

    For me, I had an adult therapist for 3 years. I went from a total recluse after being raped (I was literally terrified of all men and didn’t venture outdoors and cut all contact with friends) to meeting my husband, having a job, returning to studying, engaging with people. This is the level of change the support of a talented professional can create in 3 years. Realistically, some of these changes happened after therapy ended, but I continued to practice the skills she taught me and she set me on this path. It has been 7 years since I started working with her.

    #406668
    Helcat
    Participant

    I will add that I do think interacting with this seller of mooncakes is a good step for you. It is very good practice communicating with someone that you are attracted to. Doing so in person, in a structured way, at your leisure. It gives you plenty of time to plan ahead and work around some of the issues that you have been experiencing in unplanned meetings with women. As I said before, you are full of good ideas. Well done!

    I think taking this step is worthy of praise. I’m curious what you would like to say to her?

    Personally, I am imagining purchasing the mooncake. Thanking her, maybe some small talk about mooncakes or celebration plans. Asking how she is?

Viewing 9 posts - 151 through 159 (of 159 total)

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