Home→Forums→Tough Times→Any tips in how to solve communication problems?
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September 3, 2022 at 3:26 am #406575
AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
I’m still digesting the long explanation u sent me in the previous thread, i wanna understand it slowly…
Do u have a more frontal tips anita?” – what do you mean by frontal tips?
= I mean like a more direct tips from ur personal opinion rather than general opinion as a neutral.
Aside from the previous threads,
So recently I’m trying to get close to a girl from social media… so she’s selling a homemade mooncake by promoting it on social media….
We’ve been following each other for a year but never texts each other, and that was the first time i text her….
So i’m trying to get close to her buy buying her mooncake, but then as always i did a mistake….
When it’s obviously a “homemade” mooncake… i initiated the conversation with her by asking “is the cake homemade?”
Sounds really stupid right. I just gave her a stupid first impression… and she might know that i’m just pretending to buy that mooncake to get close to her…And then i ask her what flavor of mooncake is in that pic? Then she told me the flavor and eventually i paid for that mooncake, i’m going to pick up that mooncake in her house on thursday…. And meeting her for the first time…..
I just cant believe i did that mistake, i really want to hit the wall again. Like why do i keep making the same mistakes again and again when i’ve planned it for a long time….. i hate it.
I worry that with that stupid first impression, i’ve already reduced my chances because i’m sure when she saw me for the first time later on, it’ll be another weak impression due to my appearance and height…..Idk how to fix this…. It feels really messed up….
I feel like screaming….. how can this slow brain of mine keep doing this to myself…. Like why??
September 3, 2022 at 3:34 am #406576AnonymousInactiveHow can i not deserve to hit the wall when i did that mistake…. Like i’m trying to give the best for myself but i always ended up ruining myself…..
That girl almost respond unwillingly when i ask that stupid question…..
September 3, 2022 at 6:02 am #406578AnonymousInactiveSomebody pls help me, i can’t seem to forgive myself due to this mistake, and my mind is eating me up.
September 3, 2022 at 6:45 am #406579
HelcatParticipantHi Eric
I don’t see a problem with asking if a mooncake is homemade or what flavour it is. I expect that those questions would be asked all the time.
This seems much worse to you because of your anxiety and fear of judgement. So the problem isn’t really what happened. It is important to understand that your anxiety is the cause of your fears and take steps to reduce your anxiety. I would suggest going to the gym. Try not to worry and when you are feeling better make some plans for what to say when you pick up the moon cake.
September 3, 2022 at 6:53 am #406580HelcatParticipantI think it’s important to remember that when someone communicates and things seem a little off, the reason could be completely unrelated to you.
Sometimes people are busy with work. Sometimes they’re dealing with other stressful circumstances.
Your interaction sounds fairly normal. Try to put you as a potential factor for any hesitancy in communication out of your mind.
September 3, 2022 at 8:06 am #406581AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
The problem is because she already states that the mooncake is homemade, but i still decided to initiate the convo by asking if its homemade…. Instead of just directly told her that i want to buy…. Makes myself look lame….
At first i really look forward in initiating a convo with her, but then she replies in a completely different way than i expected…. Means that there is something weird or wrong with how i initiate it….
I really hope that this thursday, when i meet her later on, will be an “ok” meetup, i dont want that meeting to be another embarrassing moment for me…..
This is one of the reasons why i always decided to just stay on my comfort zone and not try approaching people…. Because i’ll always ended up making mistakes and it feels like a disaster….
I think it’s important to remember that when someone communicates and things seem a little off, the reason could be completely unrelated to you.
= Tbh i dont really know, but there is still a chance that the convo is a bit off due to the words from my texting….
If it’s actually not related to me, how do u think should i respond? Just try not to think too much about it?
My plan is that when i meet her later on, i’m going to try the mooncake at my home… and text her again on how it tastes like… So i can have another convo again…. But if she already have a bad impression about me due to how i initiate her…. Then it’s useless for me to text her again and try to get to know her….
September 3, 2022 at 9:06 am #406584AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
You asked me earlier: “Do u have a more frontal tips anita?”, and I asked you what you meant by it. You explained today: “I mean like a more direct tips from ur personal opinion rather than general opinion as a neutral“. Okay, in this post, I will share my personal experience with you.
You shared today about your latest mistake (“I did a mistake“) which appears, in your mind, like a catastrophe, a disaster (“I just can’t believe I did that mistake, I really want to hit the wall again… I hate it…I feel like screaming…ended up ruining myself… it feels like a disaster“).
The circumstances of the mistake: a young woman on social media was selling homemade mooncake advertised as “homemade mooncake“. The mistake: you asked her: “is the cake homemade?”
What happened in real-life, objectively speaking: nothing much, a small, short exchange on social media, no aggression, no threats of violence. And yet, subjectively, all hell breaks loose inside your brain, as if the world was destroyed and you are the cause of massive destruction.
“How can I not deserve to hit the wall when I did that mistake..?“- by realizing that you did not destroy the world. Nothing really happened, in real-life.
Like you, I used to feel very, very… very bad about making mistakes, including the tiniest mistakes. I still have a residue of that bad feeling. Only yesterday I found out that I made a mistake: instead of placing a certain (expensive) tool inside the car, I placed it on top of the car, and while forgetting about it and driving away… the tool fell off the car and is lost. When I found out that it happened, my face felt very hot and my heart was beating fast. I then reminded to myself: I am human. It is human to make mistakes. In the future, I need to not place anything on top of the car, and instead, put the tool away where it belongs. Once I made this mental note (regarding what I should and shouldn’t do in the future so to not repeat this mistake) made me feel better: my face no longer felt hot, and I did not think about this mistake anymore (until I read about your recent mistake).
It was not only bigger mistakes (an expensive tool) that made me feel very bad, but also very, very small mistakes like dropping a bit of food on the floor and wasting that bit, as if it was a disaster, as if dropping that bit of food meant world hunger. So, like you I magnified my mistakes into a catastrophe, a disaster.
anita
September 3, 2022 at 11:15 am #406588AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
What happened in real-life, objectively speaking: nothing much, a small, short exchange on social media, no aggression, no threats of violence. And yet, subjectively, all hell breaks loose inside your brain, as if the world was destroyed and you are the cause of massive destruction.
I feel so miserable because this might reduce my chance to get her attracted to me, because i’m going to meet her on thursday….
As always i’ll get a weak first impression, and this problem adds it even worseI also feel embarrassed for trying to act curious….. when it’s so obvious….
Also i’m asking her as if i dont know about mooncakes, when next week is mooncake festival… She might’ve thought that i’m a less educated guy with no tradition…
I’ve been thinking about this all day….
by realizing that you did not destroy the world. Nothing really happened, in real-life.
Nothing really happened in real life, but it happened in her head….
Idk what’s her impression on me now, all i know is that the way she communicated with me when i was buying her mooncake… isnt what i expected…. The conversation’s a bit off…
Should i just completely stop thinking about this? And just let it go even if this is a problem? Even if she laughs at me and has a weak impression of me?
September 3, 2022 at 11:37 am #406589AnonymousInactiveMaybe i was wrong after all. I try to chase girls like most boys at my age, but i didnt realize i have no good qualities…. And i even try to aim “my type of attractive” ones…
I should’ve been realistic….
Sometimes i even feel confused, why do people wanna be friends with me? I offer them nothing and they have absolutely no gain to be my friend.
I guess it’s due to i struggle to get rid of how i’m embarrassed with my appearance. Tbh i also feel embarrassed of my sister’s personality and appearance, i feel like her appearance is just like me which is not attractive… and her attitude is so cold and barely smiles…. How can a girl have that kind of personality…. Didnt she realize that she’s not attractive and should’ve opted to be more friendly to be likable, her face is also fierce just like me. She’s also has a short height like me.
But my mother keeps praising of how good looking she is at home. Why cant she just stop saying that? Even i dont dare to say that because it isnt the truth, i’ll only praise for something that is true… in which she’s smart that she always have good grades. I praise her for that, but not her appearance.
I also used to tell about my struggles regarding my height to her. But she keeps saying that i’m not that short and it’s not like i’m bad looking…. Why cant she just be realistic….
I easily feel embarrassed of anything that is connected to me, like my families, etc. Because it could affect people’s impression towards me, especially the judging ones…
September 3, 2022 at 12:41 pm #406590AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
I am sorry that you are feeling so badly once again. It is too bad that you suffer so much. I wish you didn’t. I wish your life was pleasant and peaceful.
“Should I just completely stop thinking about this?“- yes, you should stop thinking about this, but can you stop thinking about it or is your thinking out of your control?
“Why do people wanna be friends with me? I offer them nothing and they have absolutely no gain to be my friend“- this is just one of your many expressions of a very low self-esteem over the years. I too had a very low self-esteem for many years. But it is not a life sentence, Eric: if you get some professional help, and some other help (a safe, positive, guided social opportunity), you can be on your way to a higher self-esteem.
“I’m embarrassed with my appearance“- I think that just as you greatly magnify your mistakes, you also greatly magnify your perceived physical “mistakes”, or faults, and see them as much worse than they really are. (This magnification is what characterizes Body Dysmorphic Disorder which I wrote to you about in an earlier thread). In other words, you are not as unattractive as you think you are = you are more attractive than you think you are.
A few days ago you shared about an incident at the gym: “there is this lady in the gym… my trainer joke to them by saying that there is still a “kid” (me) here… then that lady joke by saying ‘he should hear about this topic so he can understand more about girls and not get fooled by them‘, she then joke to me by saying ‘I’m correct right?‘”- if you really were as physically unattractive as you think you are, the woman at the gym (who saw you in real life) would have thought that you will never have the opportunity to be fooled by any girl, given how you look. But she thought that you are attractive enough to be in a situation where a girl could fool you… see?
anita
September 4, 2022 at 12:35 am #406603AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
What’s ur suggestion as i’m gonna meet her this thursday to pickup the mooncake?
Let’s say i did wrongly in initiating the convo, i should just stop thinking about it… and just act normally when meeting her later on?
What should i talk about if she decides to talk a bit later on? I easily lost for words if i’m nervous or under pressure…..
September 4, 2022 at 7:52 am #406608AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
I think that the event of you picking up the mooncake is likely to be uneventful: you will pay her, she will hand you the mooncake, you will say thank you and leave… that’s all that’s going to happen.
Would you like the event to be different from the uneventful version I mentioned above? And if so, what would you like the event to be like (what would you say and do, what would she say and do)?
anita
September 4, 2022 at 8:14 am #406612AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
I think that the event of you picking up the mooncake is likely to be uneventful: you will pay her, she will hand you the mooncake, you will say thank you and leave… that’s all that’s going to happen.
Yes i expect it to happen that way too….
What i’m wondering is….. what would be her impression of me, as i’ve ruined my first impression by initiating her a text that makes me look like that i’m a newbie in buying stuffs through social media…. as it’s obvious in the poster that it states it’s a homemade mooncake, but i still ask her if it’s a homamade?
and she’s going to meet me for the first time….. seeing my appearance…..
Also i plan to text her again to get to know her when i get back….. First i’m going to discuss on how i felt about her mooncake…. And then i plan to talk ask more casually about her…..
September 4, 2022 at 8:22 am #406614AnonymousInactiveThe one that i still regret is that why do i text her like a newbie….. i should’ve just order the mooncake……..
Then proceed to the plan of texting her again after picking up the mooncake…… I’m so disappointed in myself…..
To release my anger, yesterday i hit the wall with my right hand….. It satisfy my anger for a while, but it my right palm kinda hurt right now….. I still feel i deserve it, unless that girl suddenly text me in a positive way when i text her again later on….. means that i didnt do anything wrong in the first initiation on texting her….
September 4, 2022 at 8:30 am #406615AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
“I expect it to happen that way too”– then visualize the expected uneventful event, see it in your mind’s eye so that you mentally get used to it before it takes place physically. Visualize the expressions on your face, the words you will say… mentally prepare and practice for two scenarios: (1) she appears indifferent and uninterested in you, (2) she shows some interest in you.
“What would be her impression of me, as I’ve ruined my first impression“- generally, a second impression can be stronger than first, it happens.
“Also I plan to text her again to get to know her when i get back…“- it will be easier to text than to talk, so this is the easier part.
anita
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