Dear Emma,

I agree with Helcat that your husband needs professional help. When at the beginning of your relationship he had a bout of depression, left his job and “spent days at home sitting in the dark, spent hours at night talking and crying”, your reaction was very appropriate – you suggested he should seek professional help. But he refused. Instead, he started burdening you with his deep emotional problems, problems too big for you to resolve. He even called you at work once, threatening to hurt himself, so you needed to rush back home.

He put the blame on you for not respecting his triggers, i.e. not adapting your behavior so not to provoke his trauma – when in reality, a person with PTSD has so many triggers that it’s impossible to avoid them. As you yourself experienced, his triggers became more frequent over time (The episodes of depression started to happen more frequently. It started off about once a year, then it was twice a year. He would get angry about seemingly minor things, like something on the news or something trivial on the TV.), and eventually, he was unhappy and upset about everything.

Your only mistake is that you didn’t demand that he sees a therapist. Instead, you ignored it (I just started tuning it out and not listening), which probably triggered him even more.

It’s good that you are aware of your own limitations:

I was not willing to start what would be a difficult conversation. I don’t feel comfortable talking about emotions and I have come to realise that I have a lot to do in this area to develop emotionally.

Nevertheless, it is NOT your duty to tip-toe around his triggers. He needs to seek help, if he wants to have a semblance of a healthy relationship.

He still doesn’t feel in a place to make a decision about whether he can be with me, which I have found difficult. He has very black and white views on things, and I have put myself into the black category.

No, dear Emma, HE has put you into the black category. You don’t belong there. You did make mistakes in the relationship, but the biggest problem is his refusal to seek therapy and then blaming you for triggering him. He is his biggest enemy, not you.

He cannot believe anything I say and even though I have made great efforts to educate myself and try to change, I have so much against me.

You do indeed. What you have against you is his stubbornness and his refusal to seek help (and take responsibility for his healing, instead of blaming you).

I am really trying to see things from his perspective, but I can’t silence the voice in my head that says he’s being unfair and I’m just not this horrible, bad person he thinks I am.

You are right. Don’t silence this voice, because you’re not this horrible person that his traumatized self is accusing you of!

However, when I look objectively at the things I have done, it could be seen as abusive, and that really upsets me.

Well, you did make some mistakes, e.g. ignoring his problems instead of urging him to seek help. Tuning out instead of telling him, with empathy, that you cannot live with him if he continues to blame you instead of seek help. But you haven’t been abusive to him, that’s for sure. The real abuse happened earlier in his life and he has been suffering the consequences since.