Dear Emma,

Before, he was very resistant to admitting that he had unresolved trauma, but he does now. However he firmly believes that he is so damaged that nobody can help him. He believes that any sort of therapy will likely make things worse, and I can see from reading other men’s experiences of therapy that it can happen. Therapists are predominantly female and for men that have suffered at the hands of women, therapy can be an unforgiving and unhelpful place.

This is just an excuse he is giving you. As Helcat said, there are many male therapists out there, also among those specialized in trauma work. In fact, among the famous trauma therapists, two of them – Bessel van der Kolk and Peter Levine – are men! Claiming that nobody can help him and that therapy will make things worse is nothing but avoidance (and avoidance, as Helcat said, is the modus operandi of people suffering from PTSD).

He wants me to face the consequences of my actions, to be accountable and understand what damage my actions can cause to other people, whether I intend them to or not. This is a difficult lesson to learn but I accept it is an important one.

He wants to you face the consequences of your actions – i.e. to admit that it is you who are causing him pain. At the same time, he is refusing to take responsibility for the pain that his trauma is causing him. It is NOT primarily you who is hurting him, but it is his trauma, which he refuses to address. You are accepting this distorted view of the situation – that it is only you who should change and completely adapt to him, whereas he doesn’t have to do anything on his end.

You are taking 100% responsibility for something that is maybe 20% your responsibility, if that. You are accepting his view and his perception of the problem – where he is free from responsibility and it is only you who is to blame, and only you who should change.

Can you see that?

You might have made mistakes in the relationship, and I believe you when you say that you have issues with showing emotions, and even with showing empathy. But even if you had been the most understanding spouse, always tip-toeing around him and trying not to upset him – he still wouldn’t be happy, because unresolved trauma renders the person unable to be happy. He would still be troubled, angry and upset, even if you had been an angel around him.

I understand your desire to change and become more empathetic, but please don’t accept his view of the situation and his request: that it is JUST you who needs to change, but not him.

The fact that you are so easily blaming yourself and exculpating him tells me that you may have issues with self-love, and that maybe you were blamed as a child too for something that wasn’t your fault? You said:

My childhood was not particularly happy and I had a poor relationship with my stepdad and my mum (I think mostly on my part).

“I think mostly on my part” – are you saying that the relationship with your mother and step-father was bad, mostly because of you? Because you reacted badly towards them, but they didn’t react badly towards you?

If so, it would be similar to how you currently see problems with your husband: that it is only your fault and your responsibility, and none of his.