Dear miyoid:

Thank you, miyoid, I am having as much of a peaceful time as I can have. I will reply to the first part of your recent post and in a separate post, later on, I will reply to the rest.

“Yes, my father have never accused me of something“- when I first read this, I thought to myself: how lucky miyoid is for not being accused (because I  know how painful it was for me to be accused). But then, I thought: miyoid experienced lots of pain in childhood, she was not luckier than me.

“I only felt guilty because I wasn’t with him all the time, leaving him alone from time to time. I felt responsible… I was never responsible of his misery, but I felt like I did have the strength to help him by at least being with him more, for his own good“-

– as an adult, you know that you were not and are not responsible for his misery, but the child-miyoid felt responsible for his misery, thinking something like: if I spend more time with him, if I don’t leave him alone.. he wouldn’t be so miserable!

“However, whenever I feel sad for him and decide to go, he… would either make me cry, or behave badly..  leaving me alone and going outside to be with some other people…just after 5 hours argues, even fights me over something stupid. The aim is to make me feel bad and be there for him, but after the aim is accomplished, I am trash to him“- I am getting a better understanding today of how much your father hurt and harmed you.

“Other students thought that I was lucky. Some might even thought that I was privileged. But this was never the case“- when you spent time with him as a child, “just after 5 hours” he argued with you and made you feel bad. On the other hand, he spent way less than 5 hours at a time with his students, so he didn’t get to the arguing and making them feel bad stage because of time constraints.

“I know a girl who hates me over just this…. No compassion from (sister) whatsoever. She might have grudges towards me since I had a slightly easier childhood, less violence. That girl has a father she can hug with, be emotional around and she can even lay with him hugging, talking about physical contact here… When I was sleeping, I just moved my leg towards (father)  and touched him casually… he just took my leg with his hands and moved back towards myself, away from him.. the girl had wrong reasons to hate me, I see how that’s unfair. She was a mean kid“-

– as a child, you experienced so little compassion- almost none (?)- from anyone. Instead, you experienced anger, rejection and misunderstanding. You were misunderstood.

“And that girl… she was able to spend her father’s money comfortably. I never had this chance, always struggled even when we had the money. He just never liked giving it, so he never did. Not to me, my mom“- seems to me that he treated his students well because they were the reason he got paid as a teacher, they were his source of money while you and your mother took money away from him. This is another reason why he treated them well, but not you or your mother. What do you think?

*The second part of this reply- later.

anita