Dear Shookie:

I understand feeling blah and overwhelmed with tasks that seem too big, so I understand you picking up that phone.

I’ll break down what he told you into parts, and add my comments: “he said he Loved me because I am the only female he has never been able to control and he liked that feeling“-  I was under the impression that his ex (a female) was controlling him, not the other way around. And why does he refer to women (you included) as females…?

“but was still not sure how he would explain it to the family if he moved out“- he is controlled by his ex and grown children, this is why he thinks that he has to explain himself.

“and if our relationship didn’t work“- after 40 years of knowing you, he is not confident that a relationship with you will work out… perhaps he knows himself too well, and therefore he is not optimistic in this regard.

“he didn’t know how to move back in the house and keep things under control“- he is already considering moving back with his ex and grown children before he ever left!

“Please throw it back at me & tell me if I shouldn’t talk to him and why you feel he wants to talk.  I apologize, you may need to pull out a crystal ball for some of the questions I have asked“- I think that he told you the L word, and he wants to talk because, like he suggested himself (that you are “the only female), there is something he is getting from you that he isn’t getting from his ex. Like the saying goes, he wants to have his cake (his current living situations and taking his ex out of town occasionally) and eat it too (having a relationship with you).

“I told him I was a fool for putting up with this situation and he got angry and told me he had never lied to me“- he got angry as if you have to put up with a situation just because he didn’t lie to you about it! But no, it is your right to reject a situation just because it is a bad/  unfair situation to you!

“Sugarcoating & taking the path of least resistance is what he is doing. Getting angry with me and changing the subject is an old worn-out tactic“- this brings me back to what I started this post with, him telling you that you are “the only female he has never been able to control”- seems to me that he is trying to control you by sugarcoating and by using the tactic you mentioned: getting angry at you (for no good reason)!

Here is a quote I like from the book you mentioned: “Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way”. Here’s another: “You should never care what a man thinks of you — until he demonstrates to you that he cares about making you happy”. And here is another: “Anytime a woman competes with another woman she demeans herself”. These quotes apply to your situation, don’t they?

anita