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Seeing a man still living with his ex after 20 yrs.

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  • #408024
    shookie
    Participant

    Everyone has reasons or have convinced themselves what they are doing is the right thing to do at the moment.  I have known this man for approx. 40 yrs. We are great friends & the issue is why is he still living with his ex. even though he claims they live in separate parts of the house she won’t manage & take care of everything without his help.  He gave her the home & alimony and he still pays her bills and buys her what she asks for.

    I have told him I am not getting emotionally involved until he leaves the house.

    What is the best way to handle this situation?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated & no I don’t believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny.

    #408035
    anita
    Participant

    Dear shookie:

    the issue is why is he still living with his ex”-  I am guessing that her power over him is the power of guilt. Somehow, for some reason, he feels responsible for her, too guilty to stop taking care of her.

    What is the best way to handle this situation?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated“- psychotherapy regarding what I assume to be his misdirected sense of guilt and responsibility, would be best. Did he tell you about the origin of his guilt, where and when it originated (before he met his ex, I imagine).

    anita

    #408068
    anita
    Participant

    I hope to read from you again, shookie!

    anita

    #408231
    shookie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I decided I deserve more than what I am getting from this situation.  He told me yesterday he is taking her & the grown children to Florida for a week and I told him not to contact me any longer, yes it is painful except if he wanted he would leave and not keep me on the back burner.  It’s my fault for staying as long as I have.  I need to be strong enough not to respond if he does call or text which I feel he will. All of his children range from 27 to 43. He said they wouldn’t understand if he moved out. All they are about is being taken care of & $$$.

    Thank you for any advice.

    #408232
    anita
    Participant

    Dear shookie:

    You are welcome. You’ve known him for about 40 years, ever since his youngest was a toddler, now 43… that’s a long, long time. You wrote in your original post: “I have told him I am not getting emotionally involved until he leaves the house“. When I read this sentence, I thought to myself that you are already emotionally involved, based on your short original post.

    He said they wouldn’t understand if he moved out“- a 2 year-old and a 4 year-old (combined: 6 years) wouldn’t understand that their parents are living apart.. but a 27 and a 47 year-old (combined: 74 years) should be able to understand: 74 years of life experience should account for some understanding!

    (Unless the two adults are mentally challenged, living at home with their parents…?)

    I am not involved in the situation but reading about it is enough to get me angry, so I understand how difficult this has been for you, and I understand you not wanting to be a part of this friendship+ situation anymore. I hope that you will be strong enough to do what’s right for you and not give in to him when he calls or texts you next.  Please feel free to post anytime you need to express yourself and get my input.

    anita

    #408302
    shookie
    Participant

    Good Morning Anita,

     

    Thank you for your response & yes, now the anger feelings are sprouting as the emotional feeling dissipates.  I do care for him & his children are self-centered & are enabled by him so I don’t feel good to have them take the blame for their actions and irresponsibility.  They live with him & his ex and he keeps them up and no they are not disabled.  One is except he gets every penny of disability he can.  He even gets money for living expenses & cares about nothing except having fun and partying.

    Why am I so angry today?  The more this crosses my mind the feelings are quickly turning in the opposite direction.

     

    #408304
    anita
    Participant

    Dear shookie:

    Good Tuesday morning to you! Reads like their family is frozen in time: the older parents are pretending that they are very young, married and raising little kids, from a toddler of 2 to a 4-year old. It’s like no one grows up, no one moves forward and out of the house… stuck in time. Does it feel like it to you, when you think of it?

    anita

    #408346
    shookie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, you have hit the nail on the head.  I shouldn’t have answered a call from him last night.  I was feeling Blah due to the situation with him & trying to do projects around the house.  I am very overwhelmed with repairs & upkeep on my home which is too big for me.

    I have too big of a Heart and didn’t want to keep ignoring his calls and text.  The call went nowhere & I told him it was redundant to continue the conversation & out of nowhere, he said he Loved me because I am the only female he has never been able to control and he liked that feeling but was still not sure how he would explain it to the family if he moved out and if our relationship didn’t work he didn’t know how to move back in the house and keep things under control.  He wanted to come over this a.m. and talk and I told him I had plans.  He asked when I would be able to see him and finally, I agreed to Friday.  I told him the only thing I could say was if he was coming over to discuss the situation at hand there was no point because I was not a submissive person & have always been responsible and taken care of myself and would not change.

    Trying to be too understanding and giving many people the benefit of a doubt has really hurt me in the past & I won’t stop when I need to learn to take more control of my life.

    I bought a book that jumped out at me which is called “Why Men Love Bitches” very good read and makes some sense.

    Now I have learned he is more of a control freak than I thought but he has a knack for it.  I have no idea why I keep having the same conversation with him with the exception of the new stunts of him taking his ex out of town.  It still feels like someone hitting me in the stomach as hard as they can.  I have been through a lot in the past and things have turned out ok.  Maybe I am afraid I will run out of time to have a few blissful years with someone or maybe I am still living in a Love Bubble.

    Please throw it back at me & tell me if I shouldn’t talk to him and why you feel he wants to talk.  I apologize, you may need to pull out a crystal ball for some of the questions I have asked. I wish I could think of the perfect thing to say to him because I need to but for some reason will not cut him off 100%~I told him I was a fool for putting up with this situation and he got angry and told me he had never lied to me. Sugarcoating & taking the path of least resistance is what he is doing. Getting angry with me and changing the subject is an old worn-out tactic that wasn’t working.

    Have a Lovely day,

    Shookie~

    #408353
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shookie:

    I understand feeling blah and overwhelmed with tasks that seem too big, so I understand you picking up that phone.

    I’ll break down what he told you into parts, and add my comments: “he said he Loved me because I am the only female he has never been able to control and he liked that feeling“-  I was under the impression that his ex (a female) was controlling him, not the other way around. And why does he refer to women (you included) as females…?

    but was still not sure how he would explain it to the family if he moved out“- he is controlled by his ex and grown children, this is why he thinks that he has to explain himself.

    and if our relationship didn’t work“- after 40 years of knowing you, he is not confident that a relationship with you will work out… perhaps he knows himself too well, and therefore he is not optimistic in this regard.

    he didn’t know how to move back in the house and keep things under control“- he is already considering moving back with his ex and grown children before he ever left!

    Please throw it back at me & tell me if I shouldn’t talk to him and why you feel he wants to talk.  I apologize, you may need to pull out a crystal ball for some of the questions I have asked“- I think that he told you the L word, and he wants to talk because, like he suggested himself (that you are “the only female), there is something he is getting from you that he isn’t getting from his ex. Like the saying goes, he wants to have his cake (his current living situations and taking his ex out of town occasionally) and eat it too (having a relationship with you).

    I told him I was a fool for putting up with this situation and he got angry and told me he had never lied to me“- he got angry as if you have to put up with a situation just because he didn’t lie to you about it! But no, it is your right to reject a situation just because it is a bad/  unfair situation to you!

    Sugarcoating & taking the path of least resistance is what he is doing. Getting angry with me and changing the subject is an old worn-out tactic“- this brings me back to what I started this post with, him telling you that you are “the only female he has never been able to control”- seems to me that he is trying to control you by sugarcoating and by using the tactic you mentioned: getting angry at you (for no good reason)!

    Here is a quote I like from the book you mentioned: “Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way”. Here’s another: “You should never care what a man thinks of you — until he demonstrates to you that he cares about making you happy”. And here is another: “Anytime a woman competes with another woman she demeans herself”. These quotes apply to your situation, don’t they?

    anita

    #408359
    shookie
    Participant

    Yes, Yes Anita,

    You have him down to a “T”~ and are so correct.

    I am going to get back into my Independent thinking mode, ignore anyone that will try to limit me and I would not ever compete with another woman at my age.

    Have a great day my Friend…

     

    Shookie

    #408362
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shookie:

    It feels good to be referred to as your friend (it brought the first smile of the day to my face!)! Have a great day yourself and post again, here on your thread and on any other thread, whenever you feel like it. It is a pleasure to read from you and to reply to you, my friend.

    anita

    #408380
    shookie
    Participant

    Good Evening Ms. Anita,

    You are so nice & caring.  I have read several posts & you always answer so kindly.  A “GOD” Given Quality & Beautiful Soul to help myself and others as you do.

    I am very appreciative of your time and so happy and heartwarming that you smiled this morning & I hope you kept the smile all day “My New Friend.

    Read tomorrow I hope.  I look forward to your post & bypass others because I always feel so much better after your reply.

    Shookie~

    #408385
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shookie:

    This is amazing: I owe you my first smile of the day and my last, being that it is 8:41 pm now, and  I am about to submit the last post of the day, smiling again. Thank you for your kind words and appreciation, heartwarming for me. I am looking forward to read more and more from you! Good night, fellow beautiful soul!

    anita

    #408393
    shookie
    Participant

    Good Morning My “Friend”,

    Hopefully, you will wake up with a big smile on your face.  I was up most of the night reading, watching documentaries and of course, Loving on my 4 fur babies.  They are so precious I could eat them up.

    My friend {LOL} called last night & I could hear a difference in his voice.  I wanted to say a few things to him & I was very calm, didn’t say anything ugly and I was surprised at the text he sent after we spoke.

    Here goes & No I won’t fall for these words but it feels nice because he at least sent the read. Ended the conversation with him asking if he could drop off my belated Birthday gift due to his week away with his ex because that was the week of my Birthday.  I know, he should have spent some time with me that day because he didn’t leave to go out of town until the day after.  When I told him it would be fine he was shocked & said really?  I said “Of course, I have earned it and to top it off it is a candle that he said he spent 3 hrs. driving around town trying to find me a candle because I keep candles burning 24/7 and always have and he said he found one that smelled like him and he thought I may like it and hoped I would along with a few little things which he said were not a big deal but it was a few things he wanted me to have.  Of course, I said yes. I am excited to find out what the gifts are so I can tell you and we can dissect the gifts. The gifts will tell me where his head is a bit.

    Here is the text he sent.

    There is something about you that just fascinates me. I do not like being in control of everything.  You are exclusive, unpredictable, and outspoken but soft, emotional, smart, and sophisticated.

    Maybe it’s the balance with you, I don’t know. Done thinking about it for the day, I see you everywhere. Going to bed and will talk tomorrow.

    What do you read from the text?  Yes, my Friend, you have permission to use the Crystal Ball. He also told me while we were talking he had an appointment next week with a psychotherapist to help him figure out why he feels so responsible to take care of his ex and kids while all he does is work.  We shall see.  I think I already have it figured out because I knew his first wife and the children. Long story, but good for another post.

    Have a Beautiful day.  It is raining here & I fed all my babies and believe I will lay back down for a while and listen to the raindrops hit the roof and the euphoric feeling I have been able to lay here looking out the glass doors in my bedroom & see the bird, squirrels and all the fur babies sleeping because the opossum and raccoons were on my porch last night playing.  Even though I am alone and get lonely I do believe I am learning to make myself happy and it feels great.

    Thank you for the new friendship.  I look so forward to opening my laptop and looking for your reads.

    Your Friend Shookie~

     

     

    #408397
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shookie:

    You have a great record as far as the smiles on my face: again, first smile of the day is owed to you, the smile grew bigger when  I had the image in my mind’s eye of your fur babies being so cute that you could eat them up. You are welcome, thank you for being you and for being my friend. Best to read: “I am learning to make myself happy and it feels great“!

    Happy belated birthday to you. I cringed a bit when I read that he was around on the day of your birthday but did not visit you,  and that he spent the week of your birthday with his ex out of town. I am curious about the gifts he picked for you, including the candle, which he says smells like him (that’s quite an intimate suggestion).

    The text: “There is something about you that just fascinates me. I do not like being in control of everything.  You are exclusive, unpredictable, and outspoken but soft, emotional, smart, and sophisticated. Maybe it’s the balance with you, I don’t know. Done thinking about it for the day, I see you everywhere. Going to bed and will talk tomorrow.”…he is right, this is a unique, fascinating combination: outspoken and soft, unpredictable and sophisticated… wild and tamed, all in one woman.

    THEN WHY IS HE NOT WITH THE WOMAN HE IS  FASCINATES WITH?

    I see you everywhere“- meaning .. he doesn’t have to see you in-person because he sees you otherwise, in his mind’s eye, thinking about you… Imagine he moved out of his home and said to his ex and grown kids: you don’t need me living with you in the house because you live with me in that distance between my ears… I see you everywhere.

    He also told me while we were talking he had an appointment next week with a psychotherapist to help him figure out why he feels so responsible to take care of his ex and kids while all he does is work“- he has no idea why? Reads like he has no clue. I suffered from guilt from an early age and I knew why all along. I didn’t know how to get rid of it.. but I knew why I felt so responsible (for my mother).

    I knew his first wife and the children. Long story, but good for another post“- another post will be fine and dandy. It is not raining here but it is getting chilly. Good to read from you first thing in the morning!

    anita

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