Home→Forums→Relationships→Seeing a man still living with his ex after 20 yrs.
- This topic has 63 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 1 month ago by shookie.
January 7, 2023 at 9:39 am #413340shookieParticipant
Hi My Friend,
This was an awful experience for me a while back~I was in the grocery store and bumped into a man who was 80yrs. old. First too old for me except he seemed nice & lonely and asked if I wanted to have a seat in a small area the store has if you purchase food & want to enjoy your sandwich in the area.
We spoke & he gave me his number. The girl in the customer service area which I know because I usually pick up my groceries in the store said he comes in a lot and was a very nice man.
I called him and we spoke for a while and decided to meet at a restaurant. When I got there he said he wasn’t really hungry and he lived a few miles away & would I like to come by & talk. I also don’t like cheap people & I felt that from him. Also, his house was filthy and a mess~
He lived in an area I was aware of and had close neighbors to his home. I didn’t see any harm so I went.
He told me he rented one of his rooms out & his wife passed 16 yrs. ago. Then he asked if I wanted to watch a movie & I didn’t feel comfortable because he kept trying to hold my hand and touching my hair. I told him I didn’t like my hair to be touched and was uncomfortable. He asked if he could be honest and tell me something & I said sure. I almost fell to the ground when he said he had been dating and not found anyone he was interested in but had an attraction to me which gave him an erection and I was disgusted.
I told him I made a mistake by going to his home and felt what he said was very disrespectful to me & I was repulsed.
He actually asked if we could get together again and I told him absolutely not.
Why do men do such things? I know girls that sleep with men only because they felt an obligation because they paid for their meal or they thought the man had money and will sleep with them thinking they may get some type of security from the guy.
I have avoided all of these situations and feel I may be alone with my babies until the end of my life.
People have changed & most have no idea how to communicate or treat you like a lady.
Being old fashion, I want to be courted and respected. I would not feel any type of obligation to sleep with a man because we went out. I definitely don’t like being touched.
It takes a good 6 months or longer to really know someone you just met & I have no past boyfriends I would want to date again. Most may have passed because I have not seen them in so long. Guess I am a loner and sometimes I feel I am on my way downhill instead of spending my golden years with someone.
I have one girlfriend I trust and we are so much alike. She worked at the Sheriff’s Dept. and is disabled now. We talk on the phone. Besides writing to you and speaking with her on the phone I am basically a loner. Also, my trust in people has come to a halt due to all the deception I have experienced.
Back to the dating scenario if a man tries to get emotionally involved on the first date I can only imagine what their past was like and don’t care to waste my time sharing my life.
I didn’t sleep well last night, for some reason I feel so disappointed in people these days. Too much deciet and intitlement is what I feel from people.
Maybe it’s me?
Have a Beautiful day!
Your Friend Shookie~January 7, 2023 at 10:42 am #413347AnonymousGuest
Dear Shookie: I will be away from the computer for much of the day, but am looking forward to read from you and reply later.
anitaJanuary 8, 2023 at 8:33 am #413442AnonymousGuest
Dear Friend Shookie:
I hope that you slept better last night?! “I called him and we spoke for a while and decided to meet at a restaurant. When I got there he said he wasn’t really hungry and he lived a few miles away & would I like to come by & talk“- lured by false pretense are the words that come to my mind. He offered to buy you a meal at a restaurant (a public place) with the intent to not deliver, and instead, to lure you to his private home so to take something away from you.
“I didn’t see any harm so I went… he kept trying to hold my hand and touching my hair.. he said he.. had an attraction to me which gave him an erection“- I mentioned above that he intended to take something away from you; that something he intended to take away from you was the use of your body for his sexual pleasure.
“Why do men do such things?“- of the many men who do such things (not all do), they do it so to use women’s bodies for the men’s sexual pleasure. Some men are willing to pay for it (directly as in prostitution, or indirectly as in paying for dates with the intent to have sex afterwards); others skip the paying part altogether.
“I know girls that sleep with men only because they felt an obligation because they paid for their meal, or they thought the man had money and will sleep with them thinking they may get some type of security from the guy“- the same old exchange, as old as the bible: money/material goods for sex.
“Being old fashion, I want to be courted and respected… It takes a good 6 months or longer to really know someone“- I would bypass the whole courting stage (a euphemism for the exchange of money for sex perhaps), and go straight to getting to know each other as two equal humans who need and deserve to not be misused or abused.
“If a man tries to get emotionally involved on the first date“- I recently paid attention to the term Love Bombing. very well health. com/ love bombing (Feb 2022): “‘Love bombing’ refers to behavior patterns where, at the beginning of the relationship, a partner showers the other with over-the-top attention and affection… They’re already talking about introducing you to their family. They’re showering you with gifts. They might even be starting to say ‘I love you.’… If we think about the development of relationships, they’re built on a series of interactions and connections, ruptures and repairs... The problem with love bombing, Steele added, is that it doesn’t leave time for that development. Rather, it’s a projection of a bond that doesn’t yet exist...
“There are at least two major reasons why people love bomb: Because of a conscious desire to manipulate, or due to unconscious… someone with an insecure attachment style may love bomb in an effort to ‘secure’ the relationship quickly, out of fear the partner will abandon them.. On the other hand, someone with a more avoidant attachment style may love bomb to feel in control over the level of intimacy. But once the partner reciprocates, they may feel overwhelmed by the closeness. Then, they may begin to resent them and push them away, leading to what Steele calls the ‘flipside’ of love bombing: ghosting”- interesting!
“I have no past boyfriends I would want to date again… I feel so disappointed in people these days. Too much deceit and entitlement is what I feel from people. Maybe it’s me?“- there’s a lot of deceit and entitlement, male entitlement is what we discussed here. Was your father the only man you’ve ever known who was not deceitful and entitled?
anitaFebruary 23, 2023 at 6:18 pm #415706shookieParticipant
It’s been a while. I hope you are doing well.
I have been a bit stressed & seem to be turning into a recluse. I like being alone with all the bad things going on.
When it rains, it pours.
I want to move so bad, I have no friends here except 1 & we mostly talk on the phone. She treats me better than my sister ever did.
My neighbor which I thought were friends invited me to come over to a Football Party she was having a few weeks before the party date and I told her I would come. I got sick with a 102 temperature & had gone 7 days and couldn’t eat. My Dr. called in something for me and it took a few days. I am feeling better now.
She hasn’t called since the party. I am not playing games with her. She is 70 and is acting like a spoiled teenager. I am glad I found this out sooner than later.
And I don’t and haven’t called the 20 yr. separation friend. He still texts me every day telling me he misses me & he always has a smile on his face when I text him back. I want him as a friend. I guess that’s what we are. Friends that never see one another.
He did stop by a few weeks ago and we had small talk. As he was leaving he paused and turned around and said you have no idea how hard it is to leave you. I want to rent a place and get out of the mess he is in except he can’t due to his choice to stay.
After that I did hurt for a few hrs. and put my big girl pants on and told myself enough is enough.
I feel safe knowing he is there even if I don’t see him.
My washing machine quit working & needed to have someone come look at it. I called 5 different places and was told it would be at least 6-8 weeks. I did text him and asked if he knew anyone and he said he would stop by on his way to work and look at it.
He said it was not an easy fix but maybe someone could fix it rather than purchase a new one. New ones are so cheaply made and don’t last. With his call, someone was here in an hour.
I have discovered it’s his power I like. He knows everyone in town and he makes a call like waving a magic wand & someone is available for him. Even if they know I am friends with him I get better treatment. Sad, but true.
Does that make me keeping him at arm’s length by texting him back when he sends a text using him? I know the answer “YES”.
I take Stash my sweet baby that has a heart condition to have him bathed and shaved. His hair is so long that he throws up hairballs. I know he will feel better once he gets it taken care of. He will be scared but happy when he gets back home.
Take Care My Friend,