Hi Tee,

1) yes that feeling of going crazy because I thought he liked me and then being rejected was extremely painful. I am very protective of myself and doesn’t usually ask a man out on a date. But the more i think it over and the way he acts around my female colleagues i am now certain that his rejection wasn’t because because of a lack of feelings but something else. This us a emormous relief! I am better at reading people than i give myself credit for.

I’m also learning about psychology, trauma responses, attachment styles etc. To learn about how it all affects our behaviour. This is really helpful. Trauma makes you react in I rational ways. Like when the guy i liked started to make a pass at me, i bolted and ended up with a guy that i knew wasn’t good for me. Or all the times i cancel led plans with my friends because i was convinced that they didn’t really like me, even though they kept showing me that they did (self dabotaging behaviour, pushing away the people closets to me)

2) i am getting better at seeing the patterns in my behaviour. Like my anxiety with a guy only kicks in when I’m starting to attach or really like the person. It’s when it gets vulnerable and there’s a change that i could get rejected. Both me and him weren’t in any way awkward with each other the first one or two months. That happened after pretty much at the same time. Here is where i need to learn not to shut down and ignored the person. But to take a step forward and be vulnerable to show him, you are making advances at me and I accept those advances. Not expect him to be a mindreader.

3)learning to communicate. Since both me and him are very indirect to protect ourselves there’s too much room for misunderstandings. Speaking up for myself and being authentic. Try to repair any damage instead of cutting people of without trying to fix it. It’s a proces but I’m getting better.

3) try not to take things too personally. In Regards to his birthday party, is not exactly new that they go partying together without me. They have been doing that for months and they know his friends well now. I also really don’t like these parties which they know. a

Looking at him with compassion. After all we have a lot in common in our behaviour. We both have trauma, anxiety and diagnosis. And we are both working on it, it is not a smooth sailing by any means.

I am also exhausted. I am a month in on 3-4 hour sleep every night, overtime 9-10 shifts in a row, heart ache, two weeks in extreme pain and health expensive that’s gonna cost me four times my rent. Am my short holiday of going home to family couldn’t go because flight tickets were way too expensive.