Dear anita,

I am struggling to find a fitting “point of entry” into the topic and i dont know how much detail you need, so i will try to give some context while describing the “talks” with my father.

I am also sorry if this post is somewhat messy or incoherent, this topic is difficult to write about. I think my choice of words might reflect that too.

The first thing that comes to my mind is how he used to call me stupid, lazy and a loser. This happened most often when i failed to meet his expectations with my grades in school, doing chores or whenever he felt like it. (“You are wasting your potential”, “you will never accomplish anything in life”, “you have to put in more work”, “how can you be sometimes so smart yet sometimes so dumb and careless”, etc.)

He criticised and mocked me for my appearance, my manners and social life. (“You will never find a girlfriend looking like this”, “you have to be more confident”, “you need more friends/ to go out more”, etc)

Conversely, when i changed things about me concerning these topics i would be mocked and criticised for these changes as well.

(“You have no right to be so proud of yourself”, “you are spending too much time away from home”, “you are not as good-looking as you think”, etc)

Sometimes he would accuse me of lying, “conspiring” against him with my younger siblings or hiding some sort of act of wrong-doing from him. (“You think you are so clever, do you”, “when would you have told me about this”, “not so smart now”)

The mentioned topics would then push him to talk himself into a rage, most often if i opposed his statements or opinions. Calling me things like “ungrateful/ insolent/ disrespectful” towards him, while explaining the many things he was doing for me, while also listing all of my shortcomings and wrongdoings towards him and all the things he wanted me to do better. This could take between 1 and 2 hours, except when he decided to fetch my younger siblings to give them hell too, while he was already at it.

I would be glad to share more about the contents of his monologues, but at around 15 minutes of his hatred i would start dissociating, “waking up” when he was finished and starting to tell me that he was “only concerned for me” and “wanted the best for me”, often expecting some thankful and/or remorseful words. Doing as he wanted would most often end the “session”. Otherwise he would conclude with thinly veiled threats of violence.

My mother stayed mostly “hidden” during my fathers outbursts, in the kitchen for example. She seldom entered the situation, mostly when the “session” entered its 3rd hour. She then tried to somewhat appease my father (“i think they understand your point now”) or asked/begged him to end his speech for the day (“dont you think its enough for today?”). I can only remember around 3 or 4 times in about 3 years when she stepped in to get me and my siblings out of the line of fire, making her the target of his rage. Other than that, she mostly looked away and had a guilty/ashamed expression on her face when i saw her during or after the “talks”.

Ed