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Ed

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)
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  • #403235
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I still dont know what to say.

    But i want to express my deepest gratitude for your undoubtedly hard work (i never thought you would invest hours of your time to make a post) and kind words.

    Thank you so much.

    I will take some time to try to really understand things, my head is spinning (in a weirdly good way).

    With gratitude,

    Ed

    #403232
    Ed
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
    I am speechless.

    You used words to give my struggle and pain a form that finally makes sense.

    ,,anita: Not Guilty” is so fucking powerful. I am truly happy for you to be able to live these words.

    Ed

    #403213
    Ed
    Participant

    * sorry for my bad grammar and spelling these posts. Writing about this is freeing but stressful.

    Thank you for asking about this.

    I hope youre doing better after i triggered you.

    Ed

    #403212
    Ed
    Participant

    * i can remember one more:

    My ex was dissatisfied with how often we would go out on dates etc. This started during the pandemic and got steadily worse. I dont know what to think about this complaint, because almost each week i would ask her if she wanted to go out and do something bigger than meeting friends or family. She always replied that ,,no, she would be glad to stay home because was tired and exhausted and would enjoy time with just me”. When i told her this while reafing her list she said that i shouldnt ask her if she wanted to go out, but i should prepare plans in secret to surprise her with it. I never did that to not put pressure on her and her depression.

    #403210
    Ed
    Participant

    *to make my wording clearer: after 6 months without knock-out days i was critised for having them.

    #403209
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I would like to give you the whole list, but after burning it (a recommendation of a crisis therapist) i can only remember some points, maybe the most important ones.

    – my ex was dissatisfied with my sleeping habits. While i was struggling with the correct doses of my medication and struggling with life choices, i had a hard time sleeping. She told me that on weekends, i shouldnt sleep longer than until 11 am, mostly i slept until 12, because she would wake up at around 9-10.

    – my ex was unhappy about how often i texted her. She wanted me to text her about almost everything i would do during my days, when i would do it and with whom i would be with.

    – my ex felt pressured about me asking her how she was doing, especially her mental health. She refused to tell me anything about her feelings and called me her ,,therapist”, even though i made it clear multiple times that i wasnt interested in the specifics of her problems, i was intetested in her wellbeing and didnt want to discuss anything, just wanting to know how she felt.

    – my ex pressured me extremely to get more therapy, most importantly to her i should go into a psychiatric clinic. I still dont know why the clinic was so important to her, because she didnt care which clinic. She told me that my problems with suicidal thoughts would make her anxious when i would need a few days (1-2) alone to cope with them. This argument hurts the most. Not only because my therapist at the time gave me praise when i explained how and why i did my coping the way i did; but also because around half a year before i got the list i followed my therapists advice about not suppressing my suicidal thoughts which would lead to my knock-out days. I had no more knock-out days for 6 months when i received this complaint.

    Ed

    #403207
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    It is good to hear that i didnt hurt you. I was afraid that i did. Im glad that you are learning more about yourself and that it helps you healing.

    This moment we had in our conversation showed me something too: i am desperate for a judgement about my past, in the sense that i am desperate to know if i did wrong and deserved what i experienced or if i am allowed to free myself and move on. I also learned that only i can decide that.

    The situation i had with my last ex just woke up this life-long conflict in me and made my desperation real again after i thought that i had grown out of it.

    Ed

    #403182
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am sincerly sorry that i pushed too hard.

    I dont really know how to respectfully proceed from this.

    Ed

    #403178
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I will talk about myself and pause my questions.

    Ed

    #403144
    Ed
    Participant

    *so to be clear, i am not diagnosed with DID, i am experiencing the same symptoms like i wrote above.

    #403143
    Ed
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
    I have been diagnosed with ptsd and i have been suffering from diagnosed dissociations and depersonalisation for years as part of the ptsd complex of symptoms.

    (Based on where i live my mental health problems are diagnosed with the icd, and most of my psychiatrists and therapists gave me different diagnoses for the same problems. I myself ,,accept” the diagnoses from the professionals i trust the most.)

    Im looking forward to read from you again, take your time of course.

    Ed

    #403140
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I had to manage 2 very stressful days and i didnt want to rush a new post out without taking the time thats needed to make it meaningful.

    Thank you for researching and sharing your findings. I am now very much smarter than before!

    For me personally, i felt like the word ,,objectifying” always had a strong emphasis on the idea of dehumanizing a person while not having to compare them to an actual object. This is not a critque in any way to how you understand it in any way, just an explanation about how i used it in the context.

    Your experience about being seen, used and treated in this isolated and ,,fragmented” kind of way by your mother made me feel sick. I can also see correlations a lot of experiences of mine in that. I guess this process is what makes abuse what it is. From the perspective of the abuser there have to be parts of a victim that make the abuse ,,worth it” aside from sadism and the feeling of control. I think that by isolating aspects of the personality of a victim they try to control which parts they are presented with, or in short, its a process of conditioning the victim.

    Going by what you wrote about your mother maliciously (re)inventing your existence, like your grades or your interest in boys, i feel like that was also an attempt of forcing a conditioning on you to change who you are to someone who would please her.

    At least thats the impression i got. Maybe i projected my experiences of conditioning in this, i just see similarities to my life: my father screaming at me for hours for not being ,,good enough”, my mother supporting this by not intervening and making me feel like he was right, my first ex-girlfriend physically and verbally abusing me when i didnt do things she wanted me to do and my second ex hating me for not being able to save her.

    I thank you also for your kind words regarding my values!

    As i am diagnosed with DID relating to ptsd i am interested if you are as well, if you are okay with sharing about that.

    I will ask my next potential therapist as you suggested.

    If i may ask, you shared a lot about the process of trauma-related fragmentation or ,,breaking” of ones personality following trauma and your own steady progress of understanding this process as a part of your life. How are you generally doing in that regard? Do you feel like piecing yourself together while still generally trying to grow as a person will have an end? (At least speaking about yourself?) Or do you see it more as a life-long obligation to yourself, no matter if you are ever ,,finished”?

    Ed

    #403108
    Ed
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
    Thank you again for more insights. I will wait for your second post before i answer as to not let things get confusing.

    Ed

    #403103
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    after reading about the role of my primary caretaker i will have to think hard about what that means for me, like how many and which parallels there are.

    Thank you for clarifying what i got wrong about your experiences. I just got the impression that your mother was kind of playing games with your feelings exceeding just hating or hurting you. Like you said in posts before, she would also use her mask/ persona to seem loving to you (good food, caring when you were sick) and then crush your hopes to enjoy your pain. By saying ,,becoming part of her anima” i was inaccurate, i thought more of her accepting you as a meaningful part of her life, not seeing you as a plaything. I guess one could see that as a push-pull dynamic? Which i guess made it even harder for you to think and feel straight. Ive experienced some similar situations so i was interested if these were comparable. If youre uncomfortable writing about this, please tell me of course.

    Regarding therapists i sadly cant share anything specific, my next appointment will be with a specialist without web-presence. If you have general advice id like to hear your most important pieces.

    I used to value my ability to be empathetic and to be brave enough to accept criticism and grow with it. I dont know if these were ,,good” values, but i was proud of them because i worked hard to achieve them. After being alone and secluding myself for most of my time in school i chose to explore my understanding of emotions to be a better friend for those who wanted to connect on a deeper level. Criticism used to make me feel like trash, but later i discovered that if i would better myself, i could feel proud of myself for growing. After my recent experiences in the relationship i kind of lost connection with those values, them feeling burnt out in all the confusion about myself.

    Ed

    #403035
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I guess what you wrote about the relationship with my mother reflects into my relationships with women in general? Because of what about the experience with my mother you gave, i guess i can see parallels regarding my romantic relationships.

    Thank you for explaining your own experiences again. I slowly understand how you developed your realisations about them. So if i understand correctly, you understood that you were objectified by your mother? Just the way you said that she didnt SEE you as a person, a daughter, a loved one and more like a nuisance which wasnt worth dropping the facade and wasnt worth becoming part of her anima?

    I understand what your offer of help means now. I will share information about candidates. Sadly the last ones i visited were problematic, one straight up started blaming me and the other one wanted me to drop my medication. I will keep your advice about competency in mind.

    Values is an interesting topic, considering my struggle my with self-worth, i can see the irony in this. But i understand why you feel the connection between meaning and values.

    I hope youre having a nice weekend with pleasant temperatures for your walks.

    Ed

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)