Anita,

I was listening to her songs today and almost every day for the past two.. or maybe three weeks. It means a lot that you wrote this to me. “Arms Around a Memory” is also such a beautiful song. Not that many people know or listen to this artist. Makes me happy you are enjoying her songs, especially that we have never met, yet you gave me so much of your time and effort. (I am not good with words or expressing my feelings but I wanted to say just makes me happy you wrote again.)

Thinking about all that has been written in this post.

“I used to always be cautious around people, always ready to let them know… that I know that I am inferior, so that.. they’ll go easy on me, so that they won’t hurt me too much.”

– I never realized what was the reason that I always want to make people feel better about themselves. It is a constant in my life.

I gave myself time because I did not know how to respond. I was looking for solutions. But I still do not know what to say. I think I am trying to process that or shut those thoughts, because it’s too difficult for me.

“My coworkers, a guy (M) and a girl.. they know (G) used to say we were friends… I texted (M) later that day that there is no friendship anymore between me and G…. But I still worry (M) may think (G) and I will make up”- it is as if what The Superior one (G) says is.. superior to what the alleged Inferior one says, and therefore what he says is believable and powerful, and what you say.. is not believable and weak…?” – I think I made peace with that. I no longer feel guilty or dishonest. I know I told them the truth and I have no power over what he is saying in the office, IF he does say anything. (maybe he does not – I don’t know). I stay true to myself.

Thank you for explaining the dominance hierarchy in animal world. “If the threatened one does not submit, the aggressor will most often withdraw and rarely fight.” – Seems to me like a very coward thing to do (the aggressor’s behavior). I believe this is exactly what is going on between me and my ex-friend coworker. I never thought about it this way. I was afraid of him, I am realizing that every day now. Since I got out of this friendship I feel less and less influenced by him, which also means feeling less afraid.

On Saturday we had this meeting will all coworkers in pizzeria. We met at 1 PM. He texted our manager he would be 40 minutes late because… he will cycling around in the park at that time, the one he used to live nearby couple of years ago. We were all waiting for him almost an hour. He came 1:50 PM, two of coworkers got up to say hello, and then he said “no no, first I prefer to wash my hands” and left. He did not come back until 8-10 minutes later.  His behavior was so.. rude does not even describe it. I am still trying to process this. In case he wanted to talk to me or nag me I prepared a response that if he still does not understand or want me to explain further.. I will say I do not have anything more to say or offer to him. I got out of this and now I do not have to put up with this anymore. That is the point. But he did not want to talk, he did act “nice” to me sometimes though.

I am trying to be more mindful of what I do, what I see, what is going on around me. I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat. I am not sure if this is even possible but I think it might. I noticed things happen and I do not .. recognize them happening. So I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware. Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that.

I want to work on not having the freeze response and not practicing the submissive- people-pleasing behaviors. To act like I am no less than others. I read some articles but mainly I am trying to be cautious of how I act in front of people, read more, listen to music more, go for long walks and be around nature. I believe I can change it. On Sunday I talked less, but I think I was more confident. I was thinking before responding, not talking fast like a child. It was weird because they do not know me that well and I could “pretend” I am some other person, not inferior to them. It is difficult. I do not want to pretend I am someone else but I cannot act like I always do. It so difficult and confusing, but I am trying everyday now.