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Caroline

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 135 total)
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  • #427653
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita,

    We already bought the tickets.

     

    #427600
    Caroline
    Participant

    Yes it was. I was just thinking that I’ve been having this issue since last year. I talked about it, I thought I understood, I explained it to some people. I thought I was cautious and mindful when people bossed me around, or gave me advises, influenced me. This is the thing I keep thinking about almost every day since last year! And now it turns out nothing has improved because I just agreed to go to a place that does not interest me. And it was supposed to be dreamy vacation, once in a few years! The one I was waiting for.

    I felt really hopeless. And still do.

    I will take some time to answer and read your other post in my other thread, Anita.

    #427592
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita, do I read correctly that you got a bit irritated with me?

    #427586
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita, I understand. It’s just I am familiar with this already.

    I also understand I need to cooperate in order to get better, it’s not like I post here and someone would magically heal me. I know that.

    But I will take more time to read more about this, thank you.

    #427575
    Caroline
    Participant

    That seems reasonable. I should have said that. Instead I just agreed on vacation I am not excited about. Again.

    #427564
    Caroline
    Participant

    I found interesting article on assertiveness. There are some exercises and examples how to talk to people. I don’t know if I can do this.. I would like to. But I also feel exhausted. And I am trying since last year. I thought I changed so much already. Why is it so hard.

     

    #427563
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita, it sounds really good. But I wonder if it’s easy to find a quality therapist. I may need to ask on fb pages or do some research.

    #427562
    Caroline
    Participant

    okay, reading about this right now, Anita.

    #427561
    Caroline
    Participant

    next time you notice that you went quiet because you don’t want to do something she wants to do, say in a normal tone: I don’t want to do this.

    Ok. But what if I can’t say what I want? I couldn’t say because I did not know anymore. I thought we would go to one place we agreed and it turned out she was all over picking places and I just couldn’t follow. I think I needed time to decide.

    I will try to just say that I don’t want to do something next time.

    Now I know I agreed to this city she picked but I can’t help thinking: Am I again doing something she picked? I think I kind of am. But I won’t say anything anymore because she tried and she asked and I couldn’t say. And I said okay it’s the best choice. Now I keep thinking I did this again to myself and I won’t enjoy this trip because again it was something she wants to do.

    (1) try guided meditations during today and before going to sleep, will you?

    Ok, I will do this today. In what way is it going to help?

    (2) Therapy with a good therapist will be best.

    It’s going to be difficult but I was thinking about this before so probably should looking for someone.

    (3) research emotion regulation skills, (part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT) and CBT, consider buying a book and a workbook on each of these topics, and see how it works for you.

    Okay. Thank you Anita.

    #427554
    Caroline
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. Funny thing at my working hours there is a person that does guided meditations.. at work! But I think I will choose listening to it on youtube and taking a walk.

    I overcame my feeling that I was mentally ill and that my emotions were too much for me to manage (same as what you are struggling with)  through emotion regulation skills, another term is distress tolerance skills.

    Sounds really comforting that you had the same emotions and it got better. Gives me hope.

    I wish I could it overcome this.

    #427553
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes, that makes sense. The vacuum thing.

    I do not want to say she’s evil for acting like that but I said many times already that I want to feel like I get to decide things too. And she knows that. But she knows that overall, not specific. I mean specific cases in the past, yes, some of them. But in present time when I don’t want to do something I go quiet. And then I get angry later. I know I shouldn’t behave like that, I should just say right away in a normal tone, not angry tone later. But I don’t know how to do that. I feel like she is more confident and assertive with her opinions and I just take a step back and not say anything. Today it happened again I got angry about the Athens vacations and she got angry too that she thought I agreed and now I’m saying I don’t want to go. But later she said Okay let’s go to some other place where we both want to go, she knows I wanted to see Norway and there’s my favorite book author there, places like museums related to those books. And it was nice she proposed it but it’s cold there now so I said ok let’s go to Athens and we will visit Norway some other time during the summer. And it seems okay now. But I had to agree to something she wanted in the end. She asked me many times: Ok what do you want? what is the place you want to see? And I couldn’t say. Because I did not know anymore. I did not know how to resolve this situation, this conflict. And then she said Ok let’s go to Norway, I don’t care about Athens anymore.

    She said it, not me. I couldn’t.

    Sorry I let it all out here but it is  kind of regulating for me to just write it all. I see it and I understand it better now thanks to you Anita. And I want to change it because I am in a relationship with someone who cares. I know she is not perfect but I can see she wants to try to fix things. It just got so complicated. Today I told her “It’s all getting complicated once I say what I want” because it is. When she says she wants something and I agree, it’s all good. I think she just got used to it. And about a year ago I started to see it and did not want to agree to things anymore. And I think she is just not used to it because she did not know it. And now it sounds like I am angry and resentful for past things. Which is not even her fault, not entirely at least. It is a bit her fault in my opinion because she wants so badly for us to do things she likes. She sometimes imposes things like boardgames etc. She wants to buy those I would like instead of just leave me alone.

    How can I learn this “emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT)”, Anita? Can I learn it by myself? is reading a book enough? or should I see a therapist. I am really desperate, I am having panic attacks because of this. I think it is all too much in my life right now.

    #427544
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita..can you tell what is wrong with me? I feel like I am really trying to be honest, to have a good relationship and I can see she is also trying. She really does. Or those things I said to her what makes me upset etc she does try to change it. Not perfectly and not every time but I see she does want to. And yet still there’s a problem every time we try to talk about something.

    #427543
    Caroline
    Participant

    Last week we had a strange conversation again. I am feeling as if I am mentally ill. Or manipulated.

    We planned vacation. We never went anywhere during our relationship, except for some short trips and concerts. She never liked going on vacation, she prefers concerts. I always dreamed of travelling but she did not want to go.

    We finally agreed we were going to see Italy or some other place but we agreed on Italy.

    And I wanted to include her in searching for plane tickets etc because I felt like she was leaving this for me and it felt too much.

    So we started searching. I wanted to see Palermo but turned out it was too expensive and tickets were not convenient. So it was Venice or Spain. She did not like Spain although I said it looks exotic and very nice, I told her I liked it. But she said Venice it is – we are going to Venice. I also liked Venice but I felt like she decided it – I did not say anything, just quietly responded. We were searching for hotels in Venice and then I said – let’s see the other options, and she said okay. And then I said there’s Greece and Athens. And she got excited and said we are choosing Athens. Turned out it’s cheaper and she dreamed about this. And I said okay..but we did not consider Spain..she just said it’s only a beach and a city. And she said it’s her birthday so she is choosing a trip and also some time ago she asked me if I wanted to go to Athens and I said yes. I don’t remember it but it was probably true. I just say yes to things she is excited about, I just don’t think. I don’t have my own opinion. And she was I was a bit upset and she said OK let’s go to Spain it’s a beach and sunny, so on and so on… I think she did not want me to be upset. But at this point I did not know what I wanted anymore. Spain seemed like a bad idea already because she rejected it earlier and seemed like she did not want to upset me. But I said: no, let’s go to Athens, it’s your birthday. It was weird but I don’t think she was angry or anything.

    And as I was saying at this point I did not even know what I wanted to choose. I could not sleep at night. I felt like I am mentally ill. I wanted to be honest and talk about it but I did not know how and what to say. She said: I feel like you are not interested in any place except for Spain.

    Am I mentally ill?

    #427542
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello ANita,

    As I re-read our communication I am getting the feel of the Freeze Response that we talked about, which we both had in common as children growing up, and as adults (an experience that has improved a lot for me in recent years).

    Yes,  it is the freeze response I think.

    The emotional skills I am referring to are such as recognizing what you are feeling, being able to label your emotions (instead of drowning in endless overthinking and confusion), and once you label an emotion, understanding the message behind the emotion.

    Understood.

    When you are not sure if your interpretation is accurate because you don’t have enough information, you need to talk to the relevant person about what happened, to get needed information, and to clarify feelings and motivations, so to confidently know what happened and proceed from there.

    That happens often. Maybe I should be seeing a therapist.

    if she really dislikes watching certain movies, no reason for her to watch them. Maybe she has ADHD and it is difficult for her to sit down and watch a movie that is boring for her to watch. Again, without an incriminating context, I don’t see the wrongdoing on her part.

    Yes, but the thing is…It may be my fault. Because in the past I used to watch a lot of movies she wanted to, and I was bored because I didn’t like them. But SHE liked them and she wanted us to watch it.. She just encouraged me, did not force me of course.. But I don’t have my own opinion most of times.. and I did watch the movies, went to concerts I was not interested in because they were all events she wanted to see or be at. Oftentimes I was just there, bored. But I could never say no. That’s why I am angry now when she says she is not interested in something I want to see. This one time I told her I used to see all those concerts I was not interested in, I did not even know the bands. And then she kind of stopped inviting me to them. And I’m going to concert later this year, in the summer and she is not coming with me because..she is not interested. So all those times I used to go with her..I was just stupid. Not having my own opinion. I feel resentful now and stupid.

    So sometimes you choose a movie and she watches it with you.. but so far every time you suggested to watch a movie she said No? And the only times her No changed to  a Yes, was after you complained about her initial No?

    Yes. She agreed to watch a movie last time because she already knows I would be angry about it. That’s the only way I can get her to do anything with me.

    did you tell her in the past that her paying for groceries and such offends you? If you did, what conversation proceeded on the matter?

    No. She probably does it out of habit or something. Because in the past I used to not have money sometimes or she would get something expensive for her so she probably decided she would pay for everything. I would pay her back for my things. But the thing is. I could never do something like that. I could never decide “I will pay and you just..go away with your credit card”. She would not let. If she wanted to pay and I would try to stop her – that would not happen.

    Of course, you don’t have to answer these, or any of my questions. But if you choose to answer, please be as clear and as factual as you can be, not including your interpretations of what she said, but only what she said (her words) and her actions, as well as your words and your actions in any particular situation.

    I feel like I am not factual and just more confusing.

    Maybe I need context. If in the past, you told her that it offends you that she is paying for groceries when the two of you are shopping, or at a restaurant, then I could see that she’s been disrespecting you by paying. But without any context, it seems generous of her, not offensive.

    I never told her that.

     

    #427541
    Caroline
    Participant

    Anita,

    I used to catastrophize too, like you do, seeing things way worse than they are.. I still have this tendency.

    How did you overcome this? I feel like I am mentally ill. I cannot handle my emotions. They are too much.

    this has to change, sitting in your room all day. Either you find a way to get out somehow, every day, or quit the job ASAP.

    I’m thinking I will be getting up at 8 am, reading or watching something and then eating breakfast and going out for some time. A walk or shopping. But yesterday I couldn’t sleep, I think I was having a panic attack, my heart was racing. And today I am exhausted.

    How about a few days break from the job for the rest of this week + weekend?

    Maybe I will get some sick days or days off.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 135 total)