Hello Tee,

I considered her out of my league back then. She was very pretty, had tattoos, piercings, looked..like a band singer or an actress. She seemed so cool to me. I was just a regular girl, maybe pretty but regular, basic. She was special. People looked at her when we were at the pub or in the cinema. She looked like someone famous. I think this is partly why I blamed myself for losing her. She seemed special. That’s why I couldn’t stop obsessing about her, I thought I lost someone very special contrary to other..”ordinary” people I knew/ dated. It’s obviously not true, not any of this.

Today I feel such a relief. Your posts gave me a lot of confidence. I think differently about myself, about her. I no longer feel like a victim. I know she wanted to use me and chose a comfortable life. And I am OK with this. It had to be that way. There is no way it could have worked out between us. I know she thought very low of me..maybe liked me and was attracted to me but she had her own plan and needed someone very different from who I was.

it was actually her who was blaming you and making you believe that you are a f**d up personality and selfish. And since you had your own issues, you probably believed her and blamed yourself ever since?

Yes, She also told me how I was unfit..to life, to relationships. And that she knew I had some issues right from the start. She gave me very mixed signals, first and mostly that she was in love and I was beautiful, and I felt it.. but there was this other, dark side when she looked at me with regret. And sadness. That there is something wrong with me and it will not work. She saw me as someone she would have to take care of and that she could not “afford”…even though I did not take nor want her money, but I was still not capable enough for her..to take her in, to take care of her.

Your ex was young and vulnerable (and alone, not having anywhere to go) at the time. And this woman, I assume older than her, took her in and was not only her lover, but also her provider.

Her father left their family and her mother was busy with another child. There was no place for her in family home. She could only visit. And it was like that since she was 16. I don’t know where she lived when she was 16 but I assume she had to find someone who helped her and soon she met this ex girlfriend (and yes, she was older and she looked very independent and rich)

Maybe because she appeared to be self-confident?

Yes, very much! She looked so capable and independent. But she wasn’t in fact! She still lived with ex girlfriend and accepted her help. So she just looked independent to me because she had money and expensive stuff. I remember two times we slept in the hotel. We could meet at their place during the day when her ex wasn’t there but I couldn’t spend the night obviously (except for few times when this girl was out of town) and I payed for this hotel. I did not have that much money and was surprised she couldn’t pay even half. I think it was around this time that she knew why this is not going to work..

She had this male friend. He was older, had a car and money too. He drove her sometimes to meet me. He was into drugs too, maybe selling her this. Very mysterious guy. My friend once told me that maybe she was sleeping with him. He was for sure in love with her. I could not see it back then.

I guess drugs was her greatest “love”, unfortunately. When someone is addicted, they turn very selfish. And that’s what you too experienced from her: selfishness.

Tee, It’s amazing how you see things I could not see even when I was there! And you see them just by reading my brief memories. Some of the things you see, my friend already used to tell me but I did not believe and I couldn’t see it.

Yes I agree drugs were more important that I wanted to see. We never talked about this except when she wanted to talk me into it, very much. She even mocked how I resisted. She said I was silly, it’s not a big deal and I was acting like it’s going to hurt me or something, laughed at me. One time she told me she was selling it to someone. She wanted to make some money. She used to send me pictures when she dressed very provocative and went to a pub. It broke my heart. I think she had a life of which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a loser right now..

her primary concern was where to stay (understandably, considering her situation). And she immediately cut contact with you when you weren’t available that evening. But you didn’t even know she would be looking for you, right? She didn’t tell you something like “I don’t have anywhere to go, can I stay at your place for a couple of nights?”

That’s correct. We never talked about moving in together, it was always about her struggle with place but she never asked me directly. I never felt like she wanted to move in with me, lived with me because she loved me. I assume had I lived alone she would have wanted to move in with me. And I then could become…a convenient girlfriend. Someone easy to love, not “unfit”, not f**ed up personality. I feel so bad thinking like this! Could she really be that..calculated?

 She cut contact after that one night that you went to a concert and didn’t return her calls. That was enough for her to cut contact and move in with her ex. And call you selfish. Which means that at that point she was interested in you primarily as her care-taker, as the next person to rescue her. That was her primary need, not the need for your love.

That’s exactly what happened. And I always thought how I messed up.. that this one night turned everything around. I could have been there for her, I could have picked up the phone because it was my moment, my chance to win her. And I blew it. It’s obviously so stupid, relationships don’t work that way.

I think the greatest problem in the whole story is her drug use. It made her selfish and self-centered. As an addict, she couldn’t put you as a priority. I don’t know how severe her addiction was, but nevertheless, I think that was the biggest obstacle.

If she were sober, she would have probably treated you differently. And your relationship would have had a healthier start, as well as a chance to survive. But like this, not really…

So don’t blame yourself for “ruining the love of your life”, because you weren’t her No 1. It was drugs.

I see now it had to be a big problem because she had to do it in front of me, even twice during one night.

And I thought me cheating was the reason we broke up. She texted me, one of the last times we spoke, that her friend told her I slept with some girl, the one I went to the movies once. But it’s all I did, I went to the movies. His friend didn’t even know me, I really didn’t understand. She texted me that she believes this friend, that I did in fact sleep with this girl. It was so..I just gave up at that point, I understood I cannot communicate with her, I cannot defend myself when some person who never saw me in person tell her lies. I did not stand a chance there. But I was heartbroken. I cannot count how much time has passed until I stopped thinking. Or maybe I never did, I sometimes forgot and it came back again and again, and here I am now, after 8 years, obsessing about her.

I am sorry if this is too much but I really needed this. It broke me. I needed to be free from this finally.

Hello Tee,

I feel better today, less thinking. I am hoping it won’t come back as bad as it was last week. After talking to you and processing it a bit I can see feel it changing for the better.

“in your mind, she is the “solution”, the means to fulfill that need, and this I think is what causes you to obsess about her.”

This is exactly how it felt. How it still feels but changing.

“She would get angry with you, she would put you down, she would blame you… and that’s the opposite of how you felt she was with her ex: compassionate and forgiving.”

She probably did not love her ex but she got a place and a job. I saw comment on her fb picture once, her ex commented: “you had longer hair and was fat when I took you in”. WHEN I TOOK YOU IN. It struck me at the time. I never saw her as someone who needs to be taken care of, sponsored. Someone who is independent wouldn’t feel comfortable reading something like this. Unless it’s true. I don’t know, I just remembered it now, when I read your response today.  (She was 16 when she moved out from family home, had no place to live and how I imagine this, she met this girl and she took her in. Gave her job. She had no education except for high school. ) When I met her she was 23-24 I think. Maybe it was a dream come true for her to have someone who took her on vacations etc.

“You needed her to show that she cares and that she is sorry if she hurt you… But you received none of that, only anger and accusations, right?”

Yes, she was very emotional (in a bad way like ending the conversation, not letting me talk). Even when she first told me she is falling in love with me she said that she…didn’t like this feeling. That we live in different cities etc. Overall it seemed like she..loved me but was also suffering because of this feeling. Out first fight was the day she was looking for a new place and was angry about the prices, and that she cannot afford it. I remember she was in a bad mood and I wanted to understand and be supportive but it was weird.. We were so in love and suddenly this bad mood. I told her “you haven’t been very nice to me today”  and she got mad. She told me it’s about me all of the time and that I was a fucked up person. I blamed myself because I know I have some issues. I thought she just saw me the way I was.

“The ex payed for expensive vacations, and perhaps even financed and approved her drug use?”

Yes, probably she gave her money for drugs. She didn’t earn that much to afford it that often, to afford clothes, new iphones etc. She had a lot of money.

When you earlier said that she lost her job – was it because of the breakup with her ex (if the ex was the one who gave her the job?

They both worked in the same place but the ex girlfriend was kind of her supervisor. And when she tried to hurt herself she did not go to work that day and something happened (they both lost jobs or had to leave. I don’t know the details. Probably her ex was not in a mental state to continue working there) I remember two days after this she wanted to come to my place but I was at the concert, I wasn’t in town. She sounded sad and hurt.. I couldn’t talk to her and later I was at the bus all night coming back. I just wasn’t available to talk to her and I was blaming myself that she needed me and I wasn’t there because of the stupid concert. Next day she stopped talking to me and chose to stay with her (called me selfish etc) probably because her ex had some other option of having the place to live. And there was no coming back since then, no coming back to fairy tale. It was then when I started dating other people and soon cheated.

“Her comfortable life was more important to her than you.” – my friend once told me the exact words back then. And now you are saying the same.

“She was looking for a sponsor, as it seems to me. Sorry for being so blunt, but she doesn’t seem like a loving and caring person at all. Instead, she seems rather selfish. But somehow you believe it was your fault that you couldn’t give her what she wanted? Am I understanding this right?”

Yes.

“I hope this is helping you at least a little to see that she wasn’t the dream come-true and the true love that you were/are longing for….”

It does. It does help.Thank you, Tee. I did not believe it could be fixed. I think my obsession was me feeling guilty and blaming myself for ruining the love of my life because of my fucked up personality and other issues. I can feel it is calming down a bit, I can focus more and not think about this as intense as I did last couple of days.

Tee,

It’s a very good, uncomfortable at times, but good feeling to be able to understand my emotions.

“it does seem like you were hurt, and the fact that you admitted you hooked up with someone else twice was your way of revenge, to express your anger and hurt.” This is exactly how I felt.. It gave me satisfaction to hurt her. I am very embarrassed to admit it but it’s true. And I regret it. I waited so long for her to want to meet me and when I finally did I was full of grudge towards her mixed with happy and relieved to see her. She shaved her head short before this meeting. I knew she was going through things but.. none of us helped each other. We just abandoned each other, and were as far as we could be.

“Okay, so you’d like to feel passion and excitement – something you don’t feel in your current relationship? … Is it because your girlfriend is not interested in romance and would maybe find it silly?” – Yes, I think so. She wanted to but couple of times I did not. And now we kind of stopped doing this. And now it became more like.. making a fool of myself when I say or try anything. Maybe she thinks the same.

“You daydreaming about you ex is just a symptom” I agree, it’s probably the reason.

So I assume, Tee, you think nothing good would come of from texting her? I should just focus on my relationship because probably my obsession has nothing to do with my ex girlfriend..

Tee,

She was living with her again but she told me they don’t have sex or anything. And they did not have in months. I believed her but.. I cannot imagine this to be true, honestly. I don’t want to accuse her though..but if that girl loved her and tried to hurt herself, wouldn’t she ever try to kiss her? It may be naive of me to believe that. I think I realized that but wanted to believe her.

Another part is that she lost her job and had to move out, when this happened, so they both moved out to some place, I don’t know what it was.. Some family of this girl provided them a place. Maybe I was not mature enough at that time to understand that she lost her job and had no place to live, and all I wanted was explanations and I was jealous, instead of asking her to move in with me, help her in some way (me being selfish).  But I was still living with my parents. And she acted like she did not want me anymore, and she chose to take care of her ex girlfriend. I didn’t know what to do. I could not communicate well and she couldn’t either. She just stopped responding and sometimes texted me at night, random messages, for two months. Many times she was drunk, said she would meet me but never did. It was a month of misunderstandings and miscommunication. And then I cheated. And I then went to see her, we watched a movie, drank wine, had sex. It was nice. But in the morning she asked me if I hooked up with anyone else during last month, she asked it as a joke. And then I said “yes, twice”. I think I wanted her to know, I knew she asked it as a joke but I wanted to say it..to make her jealous, to revenge, I don’t know.. I think I was angry. I was happy to see her and loved her but I was really hurt and this was the way I could express it. Instead of saying how I was feeling I wanted to hurt her. And that was the end of us. We texted couple of times after that, she had some weak moments, asked me if I still loved her etc, but it felt like she was playing with me..  I could not handle it anymore and just found someone else and cut her off.

“So maybe it was more like revenge, you feeling hurt that she cut you off so rudely from her life? Also, you probably believed she doesn’t care about you (again, rightly so, based on her behavior), and so you didn’t care much if you hurt her either. Would that explain what happened?”

Yes. I wouldn’t explain it better! I did not understand my feelings then. I am having a hard time understanding it now. But this conversation really helped me to clear some things up.

“What exactly are you hoping to achieve by reaching out? Would you like to get back together with her? Or you just want some closure?”

I want to talk to her, feel what I felt at that time when I was with her.. because that was the only and the last time I felt so strongly in love. (Even though I fell in love with a guy later but it wasn’t the same)

I don’t think I would like to get back with her, to be in relationship. I don’t want to ruin the life that I have and I don’t think she is stable.

I want to have sex though, I have been fantasizing about this a lot and I think it would be more than just one time.

Sorry if this is too honest or too much.

I am a bit afraid I will text her.. I tried to do it last night and I think I will try again, it’s so tempting. I know it’s not good and I know it will stress me out.. and I won’t be able to sleep and focus once I text her, and she probably responds..  I went for a long walk to try to distract myself. Not yet sure if it worked.

Looking forward to hear from you Tee, have a good day

Hello Tee,

Thanks for the welcoming! I have not posted in some time, that’s true.

Wow, what you described sound very accurate to what I am feeling. Thank you so much for this!

I knew there was something with this obsession, something not directly related to her, but still.. but not quite.

“you didn’t even know if you were dating or you were just hooking up. Am I assuming this right?” Yes that is correct. This was so stupid.. She even told me she was in love with me, and I think I told her this too. But it was so weird, she had some issues with ex girlfriend who found out about me and our “relationship” was not longer a fairy tale, we hurt someone else and then we hurt each other. She once called me her girlfriend but I did not even react, I think I did not see this text and when I did it was couple days later.. I think this all comes back to me because it was not processed at the time. I drank and did not want to face those feelings, and now they came back.

I know you did not say it wasn’t love, but.. do you think it wasn’t?

“Well, I believe that even if you loved her, this love wasn’t expressed as it should have been, because it was never communicated properly, and then you cheated on her.” It made me sad to read this but..it’s true.

It is true that something is lacking in my life right now, I am calm and things are in order but there is no romance, spontaneous meetings, happiness. It’s more like adult life. Routine. Is it bad?

I don’t think I should look for an excitement. Maybe I am just bored and this is all wrong, my thoughts and feelings now.

Or should I.

hello Anita

Firstly I would like to thank you for your precious advise and apologize for not responding earlier.I want you to know I have read this at the time and changed my behavior and expectations toward myself a bit.

“neither she, nor you, Caroline, should expect yourself to talk as much as she does. It is  not your job or your duty to match how much she- or anyone else- talks.”

“offer your acceptance of- and respect-  for yourself: it’s a precious thing to offer!”

I thought you were right, because if we ever have an argument or she will see I am not as cheerful as she thought I was (I can “pretend” but she will eventually see it and find me boring or something) it may be a problem. So better I act how I really am – not speaking much, being rather calm, not excited – if she accepts me and respects it, it will be better for our (work) relationship in the future. Right? And she will respect me for having my own personality and not pretending. AND I feel better about myself too -not pressured into pretending someone I am not.

“Let’s say, she calls you and you feel angry at her (for no valid reason, or you are not aware of the reason you feel angry)- in this case, if I was you, I would contain my anger and not express it.” -That’s a good advise, very thoughtful to behave like this. Thank You Anita.

Merry Christmas!

Hello Anita,

I have been writing this twice since last week, refreshed the page and lost the text.. and then it happened again.

“the weather here has been so pleasantly unusual for this time of the year: sunny, bright blue skies, it’s a mood elevator.”

When it is so gloomy outside and I almost forget how sunny it can be, there’s always this one beautiful, sunny day and it makes everything better.

“And all along, perfections has been impossible: impossible for me as well as for any other human being.” – I admire how kind you are, Anita, to others, to yourself. Yes, now I remember and more and more often I tell myself to be kind.. to myself.

“what kinds of thoughts in regard to being a fraud did you have lately, and in what circumstances, if I may ask?” – it regards mostly work and my colleagues. They are so creative, fun, tell a lot of interesting stories, have hobbies. I started listening more ambitious music. They inspire me but I also have this fear of seem boring to them.